Re: Get hold of yourself, Woman!blackrosetearsMarch 18 2008, 22:22:02 UTC
its hard to reply without knowing exactly to whom im adressing. but i have a good guess. i guess i really thought no one read this... ever. so it was all honest. honest with eveyone around me can be tricky. if you know me well enough.. which you seemingly do.. i dont like certain reactions.. and i dont like feeling like im responsible for the pain in someone else. id rather be the victim.. because feeling like the aggressor or decision maker in some cases makes me feel like im being hurtful and i associate that with only bad things. brenda things. i cant hurt someone who i know loves me. because i dont want that to happen to me. some of my choices are stupid.. but they feel right because they make someone else feel really good.. and in those moments.. that seems pretty good. you think i know what i want. but thats where your mistaken i think. i have no fucking clue. i bounce from day to day on where i think i belong. sometimes right here. sometimes the other place i would have been(the greener side). or someplace i couldnt imagine. i just dont know. and i dont want to be rash.. and hurt anyone in the process.. just for my fickle confusion. i think if i REALLY want a change.. ill want it so bad.. no one elses feelings will be more imporatant than me chasing that goal. i think thats what im waiting for. im stuck because i have no bad enough reasons to leave.. but that in itself isnt reason enough to stay. and thats where im at. i really didnt think anyone would read this. im a little embarrased. thank you for loving me enough.. anonymous one.. for even caring to set me straight. i really take your words into consideration.. im trying. i really am. this day i was on a bad one. really needed to get the ugly out. and then i felt better. please understand im not miserable here all the time. im trying to be honest with everyone. i really am. some people dont really want to know though.. they just want to know for knowing and talking sake. and thats what i fear. you are obviously not one of those... and it feels good to know someone loves me enough to set me straight.. not just talk to everyone else about what I could be doing better, because thats of no use to me.. just embarrasing. thank you for caring, for believing in me. i dont like the wondering of who this is.. even though i think i know... but thanks anyway fo believing in some resource of strengh in me that im likely to find soon enough. much love.
i really didnt think anyone would read this. im a little embarrased. thank you for loving me enough.. anonymous one.. for even caring to set me straight. i really take your words into consideration.. im trying. i really am. this day i was on a bad one. really needed to get the ugly out. and then i felt better. please understand im not miserable here all the time. im trying to be honest with everyone. i really am. some people dont really want to know though.. they just want to know for knowing and talking sake. and thats what i fear. you are obviously not one of those... and it feels good to know someone loves me enough to set me straight.. not just talk to everyone else about what I could be doing better, because thats of no use to me.. just embarrasing. thank you for caring, for believing in me. i dont like the wondering of who this is.. even though i think i know... but thanks anyway fo believing in some resource of strengh in me that im likely to find soon enough. much love.
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