if you love something, let it go. if it comes back to you its yours for sure.
uh really? was that necessary. not that i didnt expect it. i did. i think i was even waiting for it. my last little piece of you. i guess it sounds dumb but that made it feel like i was still in your life somehow. what did you do of the big picture of me? if you threw it out, thats pretty lame. i dont know why i caarreee. i guess i really believed you when you said i was different. when you said forever, i thought you really meant it. not that i expect to still be the most important to you. i wasnt even number one when i was yours. that was always my problem.
it pisses me off that you never thought i was good enough to competely open up to and give everything. until the end. until i was already looking in another direction for the love i needed. until you thought i was over it. i never was. i never am. i just think its bullshit that i really was everything you wanted.. you finally admitted to loving me. but at that point it felt more like a cop out. like yea.. i have to leave you, but youll always be important to me... i love you. in otherwords.. i dont want to belong to you right now.. but i dont want you to belong to anyone else in case i need you. because your mine. and i was.. wasnt i? for 6-7 months after you wouldnt give me the pleasure of being your girlfriend.. i still saw myself as yours, attached.. in love. i was just waiting for you to come back. and you didnt.. and didnt. and flirted with the notion of other girls. but swore you didnt. dont deny. you lied. to protect me.. or yourself. more so yourself, to say that it wasnt about me.. it was about you setting up your life to later maybe create a life for us. i guess i dealt with all the shit, and boned out right before i would have been rewarded by you coming back. but thats the question... if you didnt see me that one day with another guy.. if you didnt think i could live without you.. would you have come back? would you ever be so desperate to need me back, as you were? i dont know. do you? i would like to believe you meant to anyway.. but its hard after giving your total devotion to someone for almost 2 years.. and getting little in return.. until it is seemingly too late.
i still wanted it though. i guess i wanted to let you see how i lived all that time. always longing for more.
i guess i still wish i was the most important to you. because guess what secret secret.. you still are to me. i think im stuck with idea that you are my soul mate. and that i was so hurt and upset that i ruined everything on purpose because of prinicples. that i wont give everything again to someone whho didnt give it when i needed it most.
because you werent even all that nice to me all the time. like the time i gained some weight and you had to point it out and the fact it made me less attractive to you. nice, real nice. and the whole not being sure if you could ever love me thing was more hurtful than i could ever explain. but i wanted to believe we were perfect. so i told everyone you were. we were. i told myself that too. maybe its the idea of you that i love. the outline. but then again.. i would have been over it by now. but im not. OBVIOUSLY. i still look at our pictures. i still think of you 20xs daily. so inappropriate. but so true.
i guess i want us to be that perfect love story.. that lasted through time and heartache. that somehow id send you a message or a sign and youd know you still want me more than anything. and its reciprocal. and i get a sign back. and everything keeping us apart magically moves aside and we end up together in the end. i guess that was my big mistake. getting involved in something that pulled me farther than i meant to go. to a place im not sure you can hear me. or remember me. i always wanted to marry you. end up together. happily ever after and all that. i really thought it would happen. no matter what or who got in our way. i think i always might hope this in the back of my mind.
i dont want to believe that you love this girl. i know she cant give you what i could, what i did. her adoration for you is needy and childlike, but i feel now that ive grown up a bit, which i probably needed to do on my own, that now i could give the love and support of a woman. no games.. no silly jealousies. beautiful and raw like the first time we were together, but with more self confidence and strength.
youll probably never read this. just like the last bday card i wrote you.. 23rd. telling you i couldnt bear to live with you. no matter what. i regret everyday you never got that message.
so fate.. anything let this have an ending. one way or another. becareful what you wish for i guess. but i either want to be in the process of falling back in love with you. or over you. i cant be inbetween anymore. please.. give me a sign if ive still got any room in your heart, if even a tiny bit of you still thinks the last time we said 'i love you' wont be the last. tell me you still would give me everything. including youself... if you did and we came back after all that.. id never let you go another day without my love and full devotion.
i thought i let you go before. but i know i never really did. this is the furthest weve been apart. come back to me. i promise youd never regret it. i love you still.