When My Light Went Out
Lately I have been trying to get to the bottom of my lack of emotions. Now this lack of emotions is new, and different from how I have always been. And to further complicate things, i am not thoroughly devoid of all feeling. I just dont feel very much very strongly. I barely hurt, barely miss, but most troublingly of all I don't seem to feel guilt.
What I am trying to discern is whether or not this has happened because of medication, trauma, or something else. I have been off prozac for a week, and I am not anxious or depressed. I still feel no guilt or fear. I can still feel compassion strongly but almost all of my emotions are somewhat distanced. I know what things can feel like and I do not want to cause suffering, so I am definitely not a sociopath.
I wonder how much fear and hurt play into my path to here. When having a talk with M about vulnerability I felt fear and resistance very strongly to the idea of making myself emotionally vulnerable. I used to value friendships and connections highly, but when my most highly valued ones turned out not to be what I thought, well. I am afraid that something broke in me which may never recover. Did I build my life on a bad foundation, and now this is all I am left with? I see how things can and should be, but I also see how they are. Or, maybe I don't.
For now, my plan is to try looking hard at things that make me feel, and especially negative things. I suspect this is going to be very tough, and I will probably need help. Also, my plan is to work with professional help in getting to the bottom of my damaged emotional processes.