Go In: Love, Repentance, Intention and Action
When I was a kid, my dad endeavored to teach me Karate. It is one of his passions and he really wanted to pass it on to me. I never really picked it up to the degree he wanted, and so eventually he gave up due to frustration. This was, however after years of physical and mental guidance on self defense, how to fight, how to avoid fighting, and how to win if the fight was unavoidable. One lesson was constantly reoccurring: Go In. His general premise was that I would be smaller than most opponents I might come up against (definitely true at age 7 or so), and that punches are harder to land if you step deeply into their striking distance. Moreover, stepping far into a striking distance can also make it much harder for an opponent to land an attack with a melee weapon and may even provide an opportunity to disarm someone of a projectile before they get a chance to use it. Up-close fighting and grappling of course comes with its own concerns and techniques, but I digress...
Go in. Everwhere we are faced with adversaries. Whether they take the shape of people whose goals conflict with yours, difficult conversations with loved ones, or your own personal demons, those adversaries are ready and willing to lash out. They have a longer reach than you, and they even know all your favorite hiding places.
Staying at what feels like a safe distance from Conflict is so tempting. Running is so tempting, and made doubly so by the fact that it feels like it works. At first. Why resolve an issue with a friend when you can just cut off all contact without a word? You've taken the power in the scenario and now they're confused while you know exactly where you stand. Easy! Why text the person you like, asking to go on a date? They might reject you. Wait to see if they text you first. Problem solved! You're 99% sure that things you want will hurt your partner or make them uncomfortable, so maybe just change your goals instead of discussing them. Put your happiness aside! Or maybe gently push them to change their wants. What could go wrong? The answer is everything. Everything can go wrong and it probably will. All that distance merely allows time for resentment, or false trusts to develop. In short, that is not what love looks like. Not self love. Not outward love.
Love and repentance. I think these two things may be the most important and inter-related actions in life. And they are just that. Actions, rather than the feelings we are used to associating with the words. When we speak of love and repentence we (or at least I) have generally always been really describing limerence and guilt. When we are really really sorry, we can feel guilt. But where is the repentence? The repentence is in the action. "I'm sorry I did this thing. I'm sorry this thing was harmful to others, or to myself. I will work and grow to adapt my future actions so that this pain is not repeated."
When we catch a severe case of the squishies (see: limerence), we feel a massive mix of emotions. All the hormone tanks in our brains are on overload. We want to run away. We want to cling. We want to hang on every word and analyze the most meaningless of actions. It's a lot of wants and anxieties and hopes and dreams all wrapped up into a confusing little ball of yarn. Love and limerance part ways eventually however. Sometimes love is terrifying, and confused. It does not always feel like squishy twitterpation. Sometimes it's looking pain square in the face and realizing that the best thing is to bear it and endure. Sometimes it's facing that same pain and making the deliberate choice to walk away. It's wanting desperately to keep your child locked safely indoors with you but letting her grow and mature and flourish in the outside world because it's the the best thing for her. Love wears a lot of mantles, but above all it is always deliberate. It's the conscious choice to speak the truth with compassion, face the truth with courage, and seek the best possible outcome with yourself, and all other involved parties in mind.
Fear speaks to us and it says "Run." Guilt speaks to us and it says "You're a failure. You were born bad. Don't try to do better because you'll only make things worse." Limerence says "This is everything you've ever wanted. Don't do anything whatsoever that might make this feeling go away, and if it does immediately find something or someone else to bring it back."
Love and repentence say "Go in."
Go in. Everwhere we are faced with adversaries. Whether they take the shape of people whose goals conflict with yours, difficult conversations with loved ones, or your own personal demons, those adversaries are ready and willing to lash out. They have a longer reach than you, and they even know all your favorite hiding places.
Staying at what feels like a safe distance from Conflict is so tempting. Running is so tempting, and made doubly so by the fact that it feels like it works. At first. Why resolve an issue with a friend when you can just cut off all contact without a word? You've taken the power in the scenario and now they're confused while you know exactly where you stand. Easy! Why text the person you like, asking to go on a date? They might reject you. Wait to see if they text you first. Problem solved! You're 99% sure that things you want will hurt your partner or make them uncomfortable, so maybe just change your goals instead of discussing them. Put your happiness aside! Or maybe gently push them to change their wants. What could go wrong? The answer is everything. Everything can go wrong and it probably will. All that distance merely allows time for resentment, or false trusts to develop. In short, that is not what love looks like. Not self love. Not outward love.
Love and repentance. I think these two things may be the most important and inter-related actions in life. And they are just that. Actions, rather than the feelings we are used to associating with the words. When we speak of love and repentence we (or at least I) have generally always been really describing limerence and guilt. When we are really really sorry, we can feel guilt. But where is the repentence? The repentence is in the action. "I'm sorry I did this thing. I'm sorry this thing was harmful to others, or to myself. I will work and grow to adapt my future actions so that this pain is not repeated."
When we catch a severe case of the squishies (see: limerence), we feel a massive mix of emotions. All the hormone tanks in our brains are on overload. We want to run away. We want to cling. We want to hang on every word and analyze the most meaningless of actions. It's a lot of wants and anxieties and hopes and dreams all wrapped up into a confusing little ball of yarn. Love and limerance part ways eventually however. Sometimes love is terrifying, and confused. It does not always feel like squishy twitterpation. Sometimes it's looking pain square in the face and realizing that the best thing is to bear it and endure. Sometimes it's facing that same pain and making the deliberate choice to walk away. It's wanting desperately to keep your child locked safely indoors with you but letting her grow and mature and flourish in the outside world because it's the the best thing for her. Love wears a lot of mantles, but above all it is always deliberate. It's the conscious choice to speak the truth with compassion, face the truth with courage, and seek the best possible outcome with yourself, and all other involved parties in mind.
Fear speaks to us and it says "Run." Guilt speaks to us and it says "You're a failure. You were born bad. Don't try to do better because you'll only make things worse." Limerence says "This is everything you've ever wanted. Don't do anything whatsoever that might make this feeling go away, and if it does immediately find something or someone else to bring it back."
Love and repentence say "Go in."