Saying What Needs To Be Said

[blackrosemoth]

That title probably makes it sound like I'm gonna do a good vague post saying something I "need to say". Sorry to be disappointing. This is just a musing about something I've discovered about myself of late

Comments

[doe_witch]

Putting the truth out there is such an amazing feeling. It's funny to admit that, because as I've already mentioned or hinted at, there are many situations in my life where I don't say anything, or I strategically lie. There are also many situations where I tell the truth but I don't say it the way that I'd really like to. Probably since my teen years I've wound up being very good at lying; I think what separates me from pathological liars is that it's always a conscious decision, it's always based on some external calculation, it's nearly always "little white lies," and it's virtually never been for the sake of my ego or attention. But... yeah. Despite this dubiously beneficial strategy, my constant wish is to be able to tell the truth- to be in a position where I can always tell it. It doesn't feel satisfying to lie, whereas it's actually some kind of high to take a deep breath and utter (or type) a completely honest statement after holding back in the past.

Sometimes I have an intense desire for fame, and when I really think about it, the desire doesn't stem from how it would make me popular or loved. In gloomier moments, I dream of being widely admired, but at my core I want a global reputation because then it would mean I had no reason to lie about anything. For many people, fame means a loss of freedom of expression in the name of preserving reputation; but as far as I'm concerned, if I were really famous for the things I'd enjoy being famous for, my reputation would then be predicated on qualities, opinions, and interests that it wouldn't hurt me to reveal. I would absolutely love that liberty.

[blackrosemoth]

That right there sounds freaking amazing. We continue to essentially be the same person. I am unbelievably proud of my ability to lie, but I'm not generally proud of having lied and try to do it minimally. I feel like it's a good skill to have in my back pocket if I need to protect myself or someone else, but yes. To be in a situation where it would not ever be required or even helpful would be incredible. :)