Abyss (R) (Smash) Part 20
Title: Abyss
Author: blackpoetcat
Rating: R
Character: Derek Wills
Disclaimer: NBC owns all, just playing drama with
Summary: Everyone knows he doesn't give a shit about anything but the show. So when Derek's life capsizes, will anyone give a shit about him?
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10,
Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19
Abyss - 20
For the first time since the beginning of the trial, Derek got the opportunity to look at his friend directly. Tom smiled, visibly relieved, but nevertheless seemed to be quite a bit uneasy, as was Sam. Probably both were unsure what to think of what just happened between Derek and Ivy. But perhaps they were just as shocked as everyone to learn of Ellis’ horrible secret.
“Sam, Tom... I want to thank you both, for holding me back when I flipped,” he began hesitantly. “I’m afraid I would have killed him if I had gotten the chance.”
“Na, you wouldn’t.” Sam shook his head and offered his hand which Derek was only too pleased to accept. Both smiled for a short moment and then Derek faced Tom again, looking him in the eyes, swallowing a last time before he said:
“Tom... I wish to apologize.”
Apparently surprised, Levitt raised his eyebrows. “Not that there aren’t enough incidents you should apologize for; but for what exactly is this meant?”
Inhaling deeply to work up the courage Derek finally put his cards on the table.
“For trying to destroy your career and drive you as far away as possible in the process eleven years ago,” he confessed, struggling with his instincts to run and hide rather than continue looking into Tom’s now wide-open eyes.
“You... you actually admit that I’ve been right? That you really tried to smash my artistic existence?”
Though Levitt’s expression showed clear disbelief, Derek knew it wasn't his despicable demeanour in doubt, but his readiness to acknowledge it and therefore risk their refreshed relationship. But despite the prospect of losing him again, Derek felt as sick now about his past horrible attitude towards Tom as about his behavior towards Ivy, and honestly wanted to eliminate everything evil between them.
“Yes, I admit it,” he confirmed without flinching, but with a sigh. “And though I don’t expect you to accept my apologies, I nevertheless hope that we at least can work out a kind of positive relationship. I’d rather not go back to our former status of ignoring and loathing.”
“Me neither,” Tom replied, tilted his head and put one finger to his lips before he inquired:
“Why? Why did you do it? Flop or not, I hadn’t done anything...”
“You’re right, you didn’t,” Derek cut in at once, swallowing hard. “But...“
Inside him, his rational mind and his still-vibrating gut were fighting each other. His head was telling him to wait, because he was confused and emotionally over-stressed now and probably would later regret interpreting the chaos this way. But his heart, the one organ he had strictly ignored for more than a decade, had shown him exactly that truth he had tried to bury deep down for an eternity -- and he slowly submitted to the realization that he didn’t want to fight it anymore.
Nevertheless, despite his honest wish to sort things out with Tom once and for all, Derek knew that he still was not able to share his intimate feelings. Too many years he had built up who he was known for, and on top of that, never shared emotions with another person. No matter how many firsts he had experienced during these past ten weeks, he knew that this special gap was too wide to bridge yet. Therefore, he lowered his head for a short moment and sighed before he looked at Levitt again.
“The truth is, I... I’m sorry, Tom. I really want you to know why, but I can’t tell you! Not yet, I mean. I... I don’t feel ready,” he tried to explain and cursed himself inwardly for this insecure stuttering -- and for the anxiety he felt about his friend’s reaction.
Tom’s eyes went a bit narrow, then after a while he slowly started to nod. But though he seemed to relax a little, his expression remained serious, causing Derek to swallow and bite his lower lip again before he dared to go on.
“As I said -- I don’t expect you to accept my apologies; but --”
“But I do accept,” Levitt interrupted. “As surprised as I am -- I’m truly glad you finally had the balls to apologize and confess at all. Of course I expect you to explain your reasons some day. No backing out; no excuses! I want us to have a faithful friendship and it won’t be possible in the long run if you keep hiding the truth.”
“You’re right,” Derek nodded. “And you have my word that I will tell you, as soon as I can.”
“Fine; then it’s settled.” Sam cut in and gestured to the entrance where Bellamy beckoned them to meet the media. “Seems we can’t avoid them any longer.”
Derek sighed and felt his stomach tying itself into knots again. He would rather prefer not talking with the press at all -- especially not about what happened between him and Alexander Flynn. After some quick thinking how to avoid that dangerous path, he decided to blame his sexual ‘lapse’ on his drunken state and decline any further comments. It would be hard enough to get back on his feet and find someone to hire and trust him with a project; he couldn’t waste energy on exploring his sexuality right now. Nevertheless, he felt uneasy for his friends, too, and quickly suggested:
“You wait until they are busy shredding me, and take the opportunity to sneak through.”
“Forget it!”
Tom shook his head and his expression betrayed determination which was mirrored by Sam at once when he declared:
“We’re friends; we won’t let you down. Let’s face them together.”
Despite the number of letters he had exchanged with Tom and the friendly relationships he had built with his former inmate Kevin and Miles O’Shaugn, Derek was still not used to receiving this kind of personal support. But at least he had learned to accept help at all and so he smiled gratefully.
“Agreed. Thank you.”
Without a word of consultation, just looking at each other, Tom and Sam took Derek between them, he put his arms on their shoulders while theirs wrapped around his waist and this way, presenting a united front, the three made their way out of the courtroom and into the media vulture’s greedy beaks.
The end…
Author: blackpoetcat
Rating: R
Character: Derek Wills
Disclaimer: NBC owns all, just playing drama with
Summary: Everyone knows he doesn't give a shit about anything but the show. So when Derek's life capsizes, will anyone give a shit about him?
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10,
Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19
Abyss - 20
For the first time since the beginning of the trial, Derek got the opportunity to look at his friend directly. Tom smiled, visibly relieved, but nevertheless seemed to be quite a bit uneasy, as was Sam. Probably both were unsure what to think of what just happened between Derek and Ivy. But perhaps they were just as shocked as everyone to learn of Ellis’ horrible secret.
“Sam, Tom... I want to thank you both, for holding me back when I flipped,” he began hesitantly. “I’m afraid I would have killed him if I had gotten the chance.”
“Na, you wouldn’t.” Sam shook his head and offered his hand which Derek was only too pleased to accept. Both smiled for a short moment and then Derek faced Tom again, looking him in the eyes, swallowing a last time before he said:
“Tom... I wish to apologize.”
Apparently surprised, Levitt raised his eyebrows. “Not that there aren’t enough incidents you should apologize for; but for what exactly is this meant?”
Inhaling deeply to work up the courage Derek finally put his cards on the table.
“For trying to destroy your career and drive you as far away as possible in the process eleven years ago,” he confessed, struggling with his instincts to run and hide rather than continue looking into Tom’s now wide-open eyes.
“You... you actually admit that I’ve been right? That you really tried to smash my artistic existence?”
Though Levitt’s expression showed clear disbelief, Derek knew it wasn't his despicable demeanour in doubt, but his readiness to acknowledge it and therefore risk their refreshed relationship. But despite the prospect of losing him again, Derek felt as sick now about his past horrible attitude towards Tom as about his behavior towards Ivy, and honestly wanted to eliminate everything evil between them.
“Yes, I admit it,” he confirmed without flinching, but with a sigh. “And though I don’t expect you to accept my apologies, I nevertheless hope that we at least can work out a kind of positive relationship. I’d rather not go back to our former status of ignoring and loathing.”
“Me neither,” Tom replied, tilted his head and put one finger to his lips before he inquired:
“Why? Why did you do it? Flop or not, I hadn’t done anything...”
“You’re right, you didn’t,” Derek cut in at once, swallowing hard. “But...“
Inside him, his rational mind and his still-vibrating gut were fighting each other. His head was telling him to wait, because he was confused and emotionally over-stressed now and probably would later regret interpreting the chaos this way. But his heart, the one organ he had strictly ignored for more than a decade, had shown him exactly that truth he had tried to bury deep down for an eternity -- and he slowly submitted to the realization that he didn’t want to fight it anymore.
Nevertheless, despite his honest wish to sort things out with Tom once and for all, Derek knew that he still was not able to share his intimate feelings. Too many years he had built up who he was known for, and on top of that, never shared emotions with another person. No matter how many firsts he had experienced during these past ten weeks, he knew that this special gap was too wide to bridge yet. Therefore, he lowered his head for a short moment and sighed before he looked at Levitt again.
“The truth is, I... I’m sorry, Tom. I really want you to know why, but I can’t tell you! Not yet, I mean. I... I don’t feel ready,” he tried to explain and cursed himself inwardly for this insecure stuttering -- and for the anxiety he felt about his friend’s reaction.
Tom’s eyes went a bit narrow, then after a while he slowly started to nod. But though he seemed to relax a little, his expression remained serious, causing Derek to swallow and bite his lower lip again before he dared to go on.
“As I said -- I don’t expect you to accept my apologies; but --”
“But I do accept,” Levitt interrupted. “As surprised as I am -- I’m truly glad you finally had the balls to apologize and confess at all. Of course I expect you to explain your reasons some day. No backing out; no excuses! I want us to have a faithful friendship and it won’t be possible in the long run if you keep hiding the truth.”
“You’re right,” Derek nodded. “And you have my word that I will tell you, as soon as I can.”
“Fine; then it’s settled.” Sam cut in and gestured to the entrance where Bellamy beckoned them to meet the media. “Seems we can’t avoid them any longer.”
Derek sighed and felt his stomach tying itself into knots again. He would rather prefer not talking with the press at all -- especially not about what happened between him and Alexander Flynn. After some quick thinking how to avoid that dangerous path, he decided to blame his sexual ‘lapse’ on his drunken state and decline any further comments. It would be hard enough to get back on his feet and find someone to hire and trust him with a project; he couldn’t waste energy on exploring his sexuality right now. Nevertheless, he felt uneasy for his friends, too, and quickly suggested:
“You wait until they are busy shredding me, and take the opportunity to sneak through.”
“Forget it!”
Tom shook his head and his expression betrayed determination which was mirrored by Sam at once when he declared:
“We’re friends; we won’t let you down. Let’s face them together.”
Despite the number of letters he had exchanged with Tom and the friendly relationships he had built with his former inmate Kevin and Miles O’Shaugn, Derek was still not used to receiving this kind of personal support. But at least he had learned to accept help at all and so he smiled gratefully.
“Agreed. Thank you.”
Without a word of consultation, just looking at each other, Tom and Sam took Derek between them, he put his arms on their shoulders while theirs wrapped around his waist and this way, presenting a united front, the three made their way out of the courtroom and into the media vulture’s greedy beaks.
The end…