Thoughts on anger
So, a good friend of mine from college sent me a message today. Apparently he's on something of a voyage of personal discovery, and has been looking into the Zen Buddhist approach to mindfulness. In his new-found awareness of many of the core principles of Zen Buddhism, he noticed the apparent disparity of my beliefs and my behavior... namely, the fact that I appear to be a "quick-tempered, impatient, over-caffeinated Zen Buddhist." We've largely been in touch over Facebook, and that is certainly not inaccurate to the picture that my status updates present, nor wholly inaccurate to the reality of my personality, taken as a whole. He's been struggling with some of the aspects of mindfulness, especially as it relates to his own passions, and asked for my input on it.
He's not the first person to point out the incongruity of my anger and my beliefs - nor, I'm sure, will he be the last. But, partially in response to several other inquiries, and partially just to get it off my chest, I've decided to share my response to him, with only one modification for anonymity's sake (obviously not my own anonymity). It's quite long, so I've put it under the cut. It does get rather personal, although not in an explicit or squicky kind of way. Just a heads up.
No need to worry about pissing me off, man - I actually really appreciate that you noticed the disparity. It's something that I have spent a lot of time thinking about, although, frankly, not enough time thinking about recently.
The quick and smartassed answer is that I'm a Buddhist, and not a Buddha - not by a long shot. I respect and try to observe the tenets of Zen Buddhism, but often fail in practicing them. The more involved answer is that anger and passion are two of my strongest attachments... not only because they are familiar to me as a facet of the human condition, but because they have, on more than one occasion, seemed to be the only things that kept my head above water - being angry enough to keep fighting when I didn't see any other reason to, or shielding myself from difficult issues and situations that I simply did not feel that I had the emotional defenses to protect myself from, otherwise.
For a long time, the nature of anger itself has been rather problematical for me - I cannot really bring myself "into the fold," as it were, with a lot of Buddhist teaching on the subject. Anger is like a fire, a source of warmth and energy, but also of destruction and pain - I can see the validity of such a statement, but I am not convinced that the negatives necessarily outweigh the positives. What positive social changes were not the result of anger at the status quo? The only other emotion I know that provides such a catalyst, personally and universally, is love. It's very likely that the last few years have served my conception of love rather poorly, as well... I have become far too familiar with its absence, and the absence of its decedents, both in my own person and in those around me. Not to say that it is not evident, but that... I have trouble seizing upon it now in the ways that I once did.
On a less Dashboard Confessional note, I fear that I may be coming across as a lot more anger-ridden than I actually am - it is also a problem of communication. My communicative output, especially here, is biased towards the extremes... I use this as a place to vent, and in many cases, to entertain. My life is not the rage-fest it often appears to be - the venting actually seems to help my anger, letting the steam off in short bursts rather than in explosive conflagrations. I haven't been in a combative argument since college, and the only serious verbal confrontation I've had was with someone who was seriously emotionally disturbed about the impending death of a loved one, and who went down a dark path with it. I am, generally, very happy with my life - and when it comes down to it, the things that I vent about are topics where I won't really have the capacity to cause harm another person. I bitch about bad drivers, shitty computer hardware, how unpleasant illness is, or the sad state of American politics... but, I intentionally vent my anger and frustration onto things that will pass quickly and be over with. Traffic will get me yelling, but as soon as I'm out of my car, my headspace is clear; a day full of shitty hardware will agitate the hell out of me, but my lunch midday is pleasant and lighthearted; American politics... I can't do much about. That one I pretty much get angry, and then find something to distract myself with. Still working on a way around that one... in the meantime, I leave the lid slightly off the pot so that I don't blow a gasket.
Oh, and sometimes I really am just blowing smoke - Bill Hicks, Denis Leary, and Lewis Black are still my favorite comedians... and sometimes a pissed off New Yorker with a bone to pick can be pretty fucking funny, or at least I'd like to think so.
Overall, though, the disparity of my beliefs and my emotional reality is something that I have spent a lot of time considering... and need to spend a lot more time considering. Pretending that I am not angry, that the human condition is not one of frustration... I do not think that was what the Buddha had in mind - rather, that we must be mindful of our anger. Mindful of why we are angry, both in immediate catalysts and in deeper causes, mindful of how our anger affects our judgment and behavior, mindful of how we use, release, or abate that anger in direct and tangential ways, and mindful of how we deal with ourselves in the process of dealing with the anger itself. But, then again, addicts make excuses as to why they need their fix, and it is entirely possible that I am simply unable to kick this habit and am trying justify my use.
I don't know if this was the sort of answer you were looking for, or if I've gone off on a long, uninteresting and thoroughly ego-centric tangent... but trying to explain it helps me understand my own underlying reasoning, nevertheless. I really appreciate you taking the time to ask.
Be well, man.
He's not the first person to point out the incongruity of my anger and my beliefs - nor, I'm sure, will he be the last. But, partially in response to several other inquiries, and partially just to get it off my chest, I've decided to share my response to him, with only one modification for anonymity's sake (obviously not my own anonymity). It's quite long, so I've put it under the cut. It does get rather personal, although not in an explicit or squicky kind of way. Just a heads up.
No need to worry about pissing me off, man - I actually really appreciate that you noticed the disparity. It's something that I have spent a lot of time thinking about, although, frankly, not enough time thinking about recently.
The quick and smartassed answer is that I'm a Buddhist, and not a Buddha - not by a long shot. I respect and try to observe the tenets of Zen Buddhism, but often fail in practicing them. The more involved answer is that anger and passion are two of my strongest attachments... not only because they are familiar to me as a facet of the human condition, but because they have, on more than one occasion, seemed to be the only things that kept my head above water - being angry enough to keep fighting when I didn't see any other reason to, or shielding myself from difficult issues and situations that I simply did not feel that I had the emotional defenses to protect myself from, otherwise.
For a long time, the nature of anger itself has been rather problematical for me - I cannot really bring myself "into the fold," as it were, with a lot of Buddhist teaching on the subject. Anger is like a fire, a source of warmth and energy, but also of destruction and pain - I can see the validity of such a statement, but I am not convinced that the negatives necessarily outweigh the positives. What positive social changes were not the result of anger at the status quo? The only other emotion I know that provides such a catalyst, personally and universally, is love. It's very likely that the last few years have served my conception of love rather poorly, as well... I have become far too familiar with its absence, and the absence of its decedents, both in my own person and in those around me. Not to say that it is not evident, but that... I have trouble seizing upon it now in the ways that I once did.
On a less Dashboard Confessional note, I fear that I may be coming across as a lot more anger-ridden than I actually am - it is also a problem of communication. My communicative output, especially here, is biased towards the extremes... I use this as a place to vent, and in many cases, to entertain. My life is not the rage-fest it often appears to be - the venting actually seems to help my anger, letting the steam off in short bursts rather than in explosive conflagrations. I haven't been in a combative argument since college, and the only serious verbal confrontation I've had was with someone who was seriously emotionally disturbed about the impending death of a loved one, and who went down a dark path with it. I am, generally, very happy with my life - and when it comes down to it, the things that I vent about are topics where I won't really have the capacity to cause harm another person. I bitch about bad drivers, shitty computer hardware, how unpleasant illness is, or the sad state of American politics... but, I intentionally vent my anger and frustration onto things that will pass quickly and be over with. Traffic will get me yelling, but as soon as I'm out of my car, my headspace is clear; a day full of shitty hardware will agitate the hell out of me, but my lunch midday is pleasant and lighthearted; American politics... I can't do much about. That one I pretty much get angry, and then find something to distract myself with. Still working on a way around that one... in the meantime, I leave the lid slightly off the pot so that I don't blow a gasket.
Oh, and sometimes I really am just blowing smoke - Bill Hicks, Denis Leary, and Lewis Black are still my favorite comedians... and sometimes a pissed off New Yorker with a bone to pick can be pretty fucking funny, or at least I'd like to think so.
Overall, though, the disparity of my beliefs and my emotional reality is something that I have spent a lot of time considering... and need to spend a lot more time considering. Pretending that I am not angry, that the human condition is not one of frustration... I do not think that was what the Buddha had in mind - rather, that we must be mindful of our anger. Mindful of why we are angry, both in immediate catalysts and in deeper causes, mindful of how our anger affects our judgment and behavior, mindful of how we use, release, or abate that anger in direct and tangential ways, and mindful of how we deal with ourselves in the process of dealing with the anger itself. But, then again, addicts make excuses as to why they need their fix, and it is entirely possible that I am simply unable to kick this habit and am trying justify my use.
I don't know if this was the sort of answer you were looking for, or if I've gone off on a long, uninteresting and thoroughly ego-centric tangent... but trying to explain it helps me understand my own underlying reasoning, nevertheless. I really appreciate you taking the time to ask.
Be well, man.