i do not know what is important anymore.
i think that my trouble is the bridge between adolescence and adulthood. sometimes i just feel so insanely ignorant, so closed off from the world. i cannot present a rational argument for anything because i have no idea of what is going on anywhere, what is important, what is worth having an opinion about.
and sometimes when i am talking to an adult i feel so young, like they think that i am a self-absorbed creature who plays instruments and dances.
i want to be included enough with the real world to be able to hold a dignified conversation with anyone.
maybe this is what i am lacking.
my dad has his japanese friends over. two nights ago they came over for one man's birthday. his name is Mr. Nagasawa and he is the oldest of the bunch and my dad has known him for 10 years. he has consistently sent our family gifts for things like christmas and he is such a nice, goodhearted man. when he came over two nights ago, he saw me on the computer and was a bit hurt that i didn't say hello or anything (i hadn't noticed him come in). so tonight my mom asked me to play the Ave Maria accompaniment while she sang, and i really didn't want to because i had practiced it for a total of about 5 minutes. but i was finally convinced, and after that they persuaded me to play chopin's nocturne in E flat major. when i finished, all four men were applauding uproariously, and then i got to see them interact for a little while, and they have such good senses of humor and appreciation of life and everything. it was so refreshing to be around people who are not from america. but the part that really gets me is that apparently when i was done, mr. nagasawa was crying because he was so happy that i had played for him, and was crying later downstairs as well. that floored me. i don't know what to do with it. i am so amazed that the direct connection between cultures that music and small acts of kindess can create. i feel terrible that i considered not playing for these men...just like i have to get my priorities in line, stop doubting things, start being confident, start really knowing who the hell i am. (cue tears blurring vision).
i have been battling with myself for a really long time about who i even am. i just honestly don't know anymore. i change a little bit everyday and i know that i would feel better if i STOPPED changing, but i am constantly altering little bits of myself for people. all of those little bits add up to a huge whole. i have got to stop crying.
okay.
i don't know what i even mean by this....i mean, i have defining qualities. but i feel like i decide too often that they aren't appropriate or that i can't please everyone with them, and yeah, I "shouldn't care about what people think of me" but do you know how impossible that is sometimes? we are human, and we naturally try to cover our faults. i guess that i am constantly on the line about what is a fault and what is an acceptable quirk, and when it is okay to disregard important things and be superficial and when it is okay to retreat into myself and sit back and just listen to people.
one thing that i know for sure, though, is that i want to stop putting myself above others. do you ever consciously do that? like the girls in our gym class. i will feel sorry for them but i will not dwell on how i dislike them because i do not think that it's right, and it is definitely hypocritical on my part. we live different lives. end of story. same with everyone i see and judge in the story. i can avoid, but i must not judge. i would like to change that. some of the things i say in my head are ridiculous and very unlike me. how ironic that after this whole speech, i can still classify something as "unlike me". hrm.
i don't think this will ever end, honestly. there is no answer. and i don't think it should make me this sad. but so many times i am depressed by my interactions with people and my feeling that they are no better off by knowing me, because do they really know me? can anyone really like me if i don't show them myself because i don't know what to show them?
there are some people who i am usually always myself around and i guess that you might know who you are, but this gets hard sometimes.
and sometimes when i am talking to an adult i feel so young, like they think that i am a self-absorbed creature who plays instruments and dances.
i want to be included enough with the real world to be able to hold a dignified conversation with anyone.
maybe this is what i am lacking.
my dad has his japanese friends over. two nights ago they came over for one man's birthday. his name is Mr. Nagasawa and he is the oldest of the bunch and my dad has known him for 10 years. he has consistently sent our family gifts for things like christmas and he is such a nice, goodhearted man. when he came over two nights ago, he saw me on the computer and was a bit hurt that i didn't say hello or anything (i hadn't noticed him come in). so tonight my mom asked me to play the Ave Maria accompaniment while she sang, and i really didn't want to because i had practiced it for a total of about 5 minutes. but i was finally convinced, and after that they persuaded me to play chopin's nocturne in E flat major. when i finished, all four men were applauding uproariously, and then i got to see them interact for a little while, and they have such good senses of humor and appreciation of life and everything. it was so refreshing to be around people who are not from america. but the part that really gets me is that apparently when i was done, mr. nagasawa was crying because he was so happy that i had played for him, and was crying later downstairs as well. that floored me. i don't know what to do with it. i am so amazed that the direct connection between cultures that music and small acts of kindess can create. i feel terrible that i considered not playing for these men...just like i have to get my priorities in line, stop doubting things, start being confident, start really knowing who the hell i am. (cue tears blurring vision).
i have been battling with myself for a really long time about who i even am. i just honestly don't know anymore. i change a little bit everyday and i know that i would feel better if i STOPPED changing, but i am constantly altering little bits of myself for people. all of those little bits add up to a huge whole. i have got to stop crying.
okay.
i don't know what i even mean by this....i mean, i have defining qualities. but i feel like i decide too often that they aren't appropriate or that i can't please everyone with them, and yeah, I "shouldn't care about what people think of me" but do you know how impossible that is sometimes? we are human, and we naturally try to cover our faults. i guess that i am constantly on the line about what is a fault and what is an acceptable quirk, and when it is okay to disregard important things and be superficial and when it is okay to retreat into myself and sit back and just listen to people.
one thing that i know for sure, though, is that i want to stop putting myself above others. do you ever consciously do that? like the girls in our gym class. i will feel sorry for them but i will not dwell on how i dislike them because i do not think that it's right, and it is definitely hypocritical on my part. we live different lives. end of story. same with everyone i see and judge in the story. i can avoid, but i must not judge. i would like to change that. some of the things i say in my head are ridiculous and very unlike me. how ironic that after this whole speech, i can still classify something as "unlike me". hrm.
i don't think this will ever end, honestly. there is no answer. and i don't think it should make me this sad. but so many times i am depressed by my interactions with people and my feeling that they are no better off by knowing me, because do they really know me? can anyone really like me if i don't show them myself because i don't know what to show them?
there are some people who i am usually always myself around and i guess that you might know who you are, but this gets hard sometimes.