hahahaha
that was a very good laugh
actually rudy, i thought of you with this one.
anyway, for some reason i'm having the best week ever. i tripped over this new source of optimism and also an appreciation for my friends that i haven't had in awhile; maybe it's coming back from vacation or something. i don't know. i am just really happy and i am loving the idea of freshness and change, which is what will happen when school begins and i get my license and i start my job and all of that.
it all just feels alright, it feels okay.
somewhere along the way there was a load on my shoulders and i'm not even sure what's changed but it feels quite distant at this point. i am thinking it has something to do with just being busy. having stuff to do, being immersed with people. of course, that's a very basic solution, but it's something.
this could be quite temporary but i'm basking in it for now, anyways.
another thing is that i have decided that i should stop avoiding people that i don't know as well and don't want to make small talk with because it's really not such a big deal and i don't want to seem so standoffish because i think i do that sometimes. i really want to say "hi" first. so i've been trying. sometimes i think i need to get over myself. i have reservations when it's so unnecessary.
the other day i was up until around 11:30, playing this one movement from the suite bergamasque by debussy, and the movement is a really kind of nymph-ish hoppy skippy clever mischievous little thing, but there are these specific parts in it where it just breaks free into these soaring melodies and arpeggios and things and there was just this one part [a measure or two] that i couldn't get all the way and i kept playing it and playing it so i could get it under my fingers and [i am tearing up a little just remembering it] it became so beautiful because each time i played it i would increase the intensity in a different way and i kind of discovered the line of music and i realized how it leads into the next measure so gorgeously and just how much it builds and i kept playing it over and over and it was the most real thing ever and i almost started to cry with whatever emotion. and i just kept thinking that, however much i don't feel like practicing everyday or blahblahblah, this is why music is in my life. i was so happy.
i think i'm done now and i know that i'm really weird and emotional and all of that but. you understand.
goodnight.