Do you ever wonder...?thehomicidehoeMarch 19 2008, 23:26:51 UTC
Do you ever wonder... Why we're here? Why we live?
Why we try SO HARD to prevent death? Why? Do you ever wonder if death is just another progression of life? Maybe what we're experiancing now isn't life, Maybe we have to 'die' before we live. Think about it, Millions of people, doctors, nurses, scientists, their life's work, prevent death. Why? Why do we have to stop death, why do we think that death is a plauge that we must irradicate. Why?
Jesus... Those meds are really kicking in. My mind is going crazy, I actually think about things now! I'm still not working like I should be, but the mind doesn't drift anymore, well not as much. I'll start thinking about sex, and keep thinking about sex, that is until something completely unrealated pops in and then I'm off on a tanget.
I remember when I was really bad, over a year ago now, all I would think about was life and death, wondering what was next, where I was going, why couldn't I just die, but I never wanted to die, I just wanted to leave, I wanted to change, I wanted to change everything, my life, me, the world. I like change, change makes me happy, makes me function. But alas, everything bores me eventually, and once I'm bored, just for that split second, once my attention is gone, I'm gone, I'll never get that feeling back again. Until something changes.
I pride myself on the fact that no one can ever tell what emotion I'm feeling, really feeling, am I ever really feeling emotion though, that I don't know... What is emotion anyway. Today I was feeling pretty good and someone looked at me and asked me if I was ok, I said yeah why?, they said I looked like I was about to cry. Even Jamie can't tell what I really feel. No one can, and no one will.
I really should shut up now...
Are you still writing? I can't write for fuck at the moment, nothing works. (And the lappie's broken and I write better when I'm typing, no messy handwriting, I don't feel so bad.)
Re: Do you ever wonder...?blackness_sleepMarch 19 2008, 23:42:48 UTC
Why, my dear, we are here to fuck things up. That's what I truly believe and, somehow, it makes me feel better.
There's not such thing like a mistake, we only do things and they take their course. Is like... fucking up is in everything we do cause we don't know what direction an action will take. Or so I like to see it that way.
I tried to kill myself because I was bored. That simple. Bored of life and everything it has to offer. So I decided to accelerate the biggest fucked up there is, the one you are absolutely true you won't see its effect. Dead is just that: nothingness. Why is people so afraid of it? Cause they are afraid of those things that aren't tangible, that they can't touch, that they can't manipulate.
Is so great the meds are kicking in. Congratulations. A sharp mind is such an amazing thing, isn't it? ;)
Nope, no writing. Can't find a reason why to be honest. It wasn't that good anyway...
Why we try SO HARD to prevent death? Why? Do you ever wonder if death is just another progression of life? Maybe what we're experiancing now isn't life, Maybe we have to 'die' before we live. Think about it, Millions of people, doctors, nurses, scientists, their life's work, prevent death. Why? Why do we have to stop death, why do we think that death is a plauge that we must irradicate. Why?
Jesus... Those meds are really kicking in. My mind is going crazy, I actually think about things now! I'm still not working like I should be, but the mind doesn't drift anymore, well not as much. I'll start thinking about sex, and keep thinking about sex, that is until something completely unrealated pops in and then I'm off on a tanget.
I remember when I was really bad, over a year ago now, all I would think about was life and death, wondering what was next, where I was going, why couldn't I just die, but I never wanted to die, I just wanted to leave, I wanted to change, I wanted to change everything, my life, me, the world. I like change, change makes me happy, makes me function. But alas, everything bores me eventually, and once I'm bored, just for that split second, once my attention is gone, I'm gone, I'll never get that feeling back again. Until something changes.
I pride myself on the fact that no one can ever tell what emotion I'm feeling, really feeling, am I ever really feeling emotion though, that I don't know... What is emotion anyway. Today I was feeling pretty good and someone looked at me and asked me if I was ok, I said yeah why?, they said I looked like I was about to cry. Even Jamie can't tell what I really feel. No one can, and no one will.
I really should shut up now...
Are you still writing? I can't write for fuck at the moment, nothing works. (And the lappie's broken and I write better when I'm typing, no messy handwriting, I don't feel so bad.)
I'll shut up now...
x
Reply
There's not such thing like a mistake, we only do things and they take their course. Is like... fucking up is in everything we do cause we don't know what direction an action will take. Or so I like to see it that way.
I tried to kill myself because I was bored. That simple. Bored of life and everything it has to offer. So I decided to accelerate the biggest fucked up there is, the one you are absolutely true you won't see its effect. Dead is just that: nothingness. Why is people so afraid of it? Cause they are afraid of those things that aren't tangible, that they can't touch, that they can't manipulate.
Is so great the meds are kicking in. Congratulations. A sharp mind is such an amazing thing, isn't it? ;)
Nope, no writing. Can't find a reason why to be honest. It wasn't that good anyway...
Take care hon, lots of love.
Reply
Wasn't that good? M'dear what world are you living in? You are one of the best writers I've ever read!
Reply
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