II
The second milestone in my sexual history is a topic of debate. I count it as being the first time I ever had an orgasm, but make no mistake, there are 7 years between this occurance and the closet kiss I had as a young child and between those 7 years was much history. As I previously mentioned, there were many stirrings and pulsings at the sounds of lovemaking, whether they were on the television or even a few doors away coming from my mother or my aunt's bedrooms. Sex fascinated me from a very early age. I'd watch the discovery channel with glee as a widow bit off the head of her lover or a lion mounted a lioness, pushing her head down to the ground and taking of his herd as he desired. I also found interesting ways to masturbate as a young child. I'd grind myself against hard objects- banisters, counter ledges, and other such things. I would sometimes insist on running my own bath and I'd scoot myself underneath the faucet in order to let hot water rush against my clitoris. But way before I ever had a boyfriend or any sort of phsycial sexual experience, I had K. Here's the story of my first orgasm:
I had just turned 13 and these were the first days of chatrooms and instant messengers. Because it was so new, my mother had no idea what was really going on and assumed I was just talking to classmates and fellow youth group members. But, the reality was that I had made myself my own alias and I was enjoying all the perks of being completely annonymous. I decided I'd create a profile that claimed I was 17 years old and super attractive. I even picked out a picture of a really busty teenager in low cut jeans showing off her thong. Of course, this was nothing like what I really looked like. I can comfortably say I was a really cute kid...but I hadn't hit puberty in many ways and it would be a long time before thongs would actually look sexy laced about my hips. It was a fantasy. And as with every fantasy of mine, sex entered into the equation rather quickly. I found a chatroom. I figured out what ASL meant. I was ready to rock. I remember seeing a screen name that sort of caught my eye and went to click on his name to say so, when I accidently clicked on the name above it and gave a, "hey there" with a wink. K said hello back and we began a conversation that would last until the following morning. He tried to say he was 17 as well but we both buckled pretty quickly and ended up relating the truth: I was 13 and he was 15. I huge gap in normal life standards, but completely do-able over the internet. K was great...funny and cute and I pictured him as this sexy older guy that would always love me. Towards the end of the night, I knew my mother would want me off the computer because I was already pushing her buttons with the constant computer usage, so I offered to give him a telephone call. K lived in Pennsylvania and I lived in Ohio, but it never occured to me that it would be expensive to call long distance. And I most certainly got in HUGE trouble (so did K). But while it lasted, I had his phone number. I dialed the numbers and this meek little jersey-esque accent answered the phone. I was instantly in love. We chatted about stupid things, school and spanish class, our mutual love for sailormoon when suddenly the conversation turned to things a little more heated. He said he wanted to kiss me. I told him I wanted to kiss him back. Our breathing changed and we got whispery. He told me he had a boner and I was completely freaked out with no experience on whether or not that was a good thing. Something inside told me I should just go ahead with it and see what happens. I moaned in my little voice and he moaned back. He was being so romantic and saying how much he wanted to be with me and hold me, kiss me. I was getting hotter than hot and noticed that my fingers were working pretty hard on my clit. We moaned back and forth to each other and suddenly things got very dark, all I could hear was K. I started feeling vibrations underneath my skin, all my nerves tensing and firing off. I felt a flash penetrate out from my middle to my fingertips and just as quickly as it had started, it was over. K said he'd never done anything like that before, and I promised him neither had I. My vagina was slick and swollan and I was totally and completely in love with a screen name and a 15 year old voice from somewhere in Pennsylvania. I had a secret and someone loved me and I was feeling very grown up.
When I think about this now, it's not so hard to understand why it took me so long to find my identity as a young adult. I started myself in the wrong direction from the very beginning. With walking head on into a world of fantasy and lies, I made it so hard to find out who I really was that not only was it 10 times harder to get close to real people, but I would make so many mistakes about what real love was...what I really wanted. I would overcompensate with my own emotions just so I wouldn't have to face the fact that sometimes the feelings weren't mutual. I would let my toes get trampled on time and time again. Considering the situation of my first orgasm, it's not hard to see why I would prefer phone sex over fooling around until I was about 17 and why I still get nervous and want the room completely dark. It's all about the sound of someone's voice.
I had just turned 13 and these were the first days of chatrooms and instant messengers. Because it was so new, my mother had no idea what was really going on and assumed I was just talking to classmates and fellow youth group members. But, the reality was that I had made myself my own alias and I was enjoying all the perks of being completely annonymous. I decided I'd create a profile that claimed I was 17 years old and super attractive. I even picked out a picture of a really busty teenager in low cut jeans showing off her thong. Of course, this was nothing like what I really looked like. I can comfortably say I was a really cute kid...but I hadn't hit puberty in many ways and it would be a long time before thongs would actually look sexy laced about my hips. It was a fantasy. And as with every fantasy of mine, sex entered into the equation rather quickly. I found a chatroom. I figured out what ASL meant. I was ready to rock. I remember seeing a screen name that sort of caught my eye and went to click on his name to say so, when I accidently clicked on the name above it and gave a, "hey there" with a wink. K said hello back and we began a conversation that would last until the following morning. He tried to say he was 17 as well but we both buckled pretty quickly and ended up relating the truth: I was 13 and he was 15. I huge gap in normal life standards, but completely do-able over the internet. K was great...funny and cute and I pictured him as this sexy older guy that would always love me. Towards the end of the night, I knew my mother would want me off the computer because I was already pushing her buttons with the constant computer usage, so I offered to give him a telephone call. K lived in Pennsylvania and I lived in Ohio, but it never occured to me that it would be expensive to call long distance. And I most certainly got in HUGE trouble (so did K). But while it lasted, I had his phone number. I dialed the numbers and this meek little jersey-esque accent answered the phone. I was instantly in love. We chatted about stupid things, school and spanish class, our mutual love for sailormoon when suddenly the conversation turned to things a little more heated. He said he wanted to kiss me. I told him I wanted to kiss him back. Our breathing changed and we got whispery. He told me he had a boner and I was completely freaked out with no experience on whether or not that was a good thing. Something inside told me I should just go ahead with it and see what happens. I moaned in my little voice and he moaned back. He was being so romantic and saying how much he wanted to be with me and hold me, kiss me. I was getting hotter than hot and noticed that my fingers were working pretty hard on my clit. We moaned back and forth to each other and suddenly things got very dark, all I could hear was K. I started feeling vibrations underneath my skin, all my nerves tensing and firing off. I felt a flash penetrate out from my middle to my fingertips and just as quickly as it had started, it was over. K said he'd never done anything like that before, and I promised him neither had I. My vagina was slick and swollan and I was totally and completely in love with a screen name and a 15 year old voice from somewhere in Pennsylvania. I had a secret and someone loved me and I was feeling very grown up.
When I think about this now, it's not so hard to understand why it took me so long to find my identity as a young adult. I started myself in the wrong direction from the very beginning. With walking head on into a world of fantasy and lies, I made it so hard to find out who I really was that not only was it 10 times harder to get close to real people, but I would make so many mistakes about what real love was...what I really wanted. I would overcompensate with my own emotions just so I wouldn't have to face the fact that sometimes the feelings weren't mutual. I would let my toes get trampled on time and time again. Considering the situation of my first orgasm, it's not hard to see why I would prefer phone sex over fooling around until I was about 17 and why I still get nervous and want the room completely dark. It's all about the sound of someone's voice.