(no subject)
This has been a really trying semester - good - but trying.
It's the first time, in over two years, that I have been truly single.
I want to keep it that way for a while.
Feeling this, in and of itself, is strange. In the past, I dated anyone who showed the slightest bit of interest. I felt like I wasn't attractive... or intellectually stimulating... or unique enough to find someone who would want to date me in return. In high school, I succumbed to the fact that I was completely undesirable to the opposite gender. It still shocks me, to this day, to figure out anyone felt differently. So, as you could imagine, it came as a huge surprise when guys actually showed interest in college. I was overwhelmed.
I reasoned that they were horribly confused and would eventually learn the truth. This is how quite a few relationships ended, actually - I would convince the guy that he didn't want to date me and then manipulate him into breaking up with me. This last relationship was the first relationship that I have ever verbally initiated the end. It felt good and I felt strong.
But being in a relationship seemed to affirm that guys actually did want to date me. I needed to be able to see and touch the fact that I was desired. Hard evidence. So I jumped, from intellectually boring, to gay, to WAY too emotional... I jumped through a spectrum personalities that seemed to clash with my personal needs and, in the end, I did manage to date a very wide spectrum of men. I needed to feel accepted.
Oh, and if my ex-room mate is reading this... none of these descriptions are of my last boyfriend. You have nothing to talk about and we did not, in fact, end our relationship because of bad sex.
Jump, jump, jUmP, jump, JUMP. It gives, I'm going to jump you, a whole new meaning.
I still have moments where I feel insecure - I wonder if I have to tell myself I want to stay single just to justify the fact that no one wants to date me. Then that progressed to having no real friendships and completely failing in life... But then there are times when I hear about people calling me "absolutely fucking beautiful" and there are times I know I could rock the socks off of any guy who passed my way. Trust me, I have my ways.
Oh, and I do have friends. I'm just a little bit dramatic...
I cried in front of my ex-boyfriend in the library yesterday (DRAMA) because, without him, I am finally having to wo/man up and face myself alone. I am learning to live with myself and as he said, when I finally find myself again I'm going to absolutely love who I am. In other words, I'll just wait for the moment that I have the overwhelming urge to masturbate all the time, because who wouldn't want to get action from a hot little thing like me? Too much? ;) j/k
I finally set some standards... he needs to enjoy reading, science, exploring/hiking/adventure, and kick ass. Yes, he needs to most definitely kick ass and he needs to, on some level, know he kicks ass. Oh, and probably not Christian (I don't generally tend to like their sexual views). Oh, and not gay.
The first question that pops out of my mouth, even for friends, is: "do you read for enjoyment," because if the person doesn't read for enjoyment then we don't usually end up hanging out for long.
I worry - but then again, who doesn't and how many drugs are they on? Everyone worries. What sets a person apart is how they deal with it and what they do to improve.
I worry, but I'll improve.
Oh, and if I didn’t mention it before the last Harry Potter book was AMAZING - I laughed, screamed out loud, jumped up and down, cried, laughed some more, cried some more, and repeated.
Then I got to the last chapter and I agree with most of the fandom - Rowling most likely bought a set of crayons and found her inner child.
It's the first time, in over two years, that I have been truly single.
I want to keep it that way for a while.
Feeling this, in and of itself, is strange. In the past, I dated anyone who showed the slightest bit of interest. I felt like I wasn't attractive... or intellectually stimulating... or unique enough to find someone who would want to date me in return. In high school, I succumbed to the fact that I was completely undesirable to the opposite gender. It still shocks me, to this day, to figure out anyone felt differently. So, as you could imagine, it came as a huge surprise when guys actually showed interest in college. I was overwhelmed.
I reasoned that they were horribly confused and would eventually learn the truth. This is how quite a few relationships ended, actually - I would convince the guy that he didn't want to date me and then manipulate him into breaking up with me. This last relationship was the first relationship that I have ever verbally initiated the end. It felt good and I felt strong.
But being in a relationship seemed to affirm that guys actually did want to date me. I needed to be able to see and touch the fact that I was desired. Hard evidence. So I jumped, from intellectually boring, to gay, to WAY too emotional... I jumped through a spectrum personalities that seemed to clash with my personal needs and, in the end, I did manage to date a very wide spectrum of men. I needed to feel accepted.
Oh, and if my ex-room mate is reading this... none of these descriptions are of my last boyfriend. You have nothing to talk about and we did not, in fact, end our relationship because of bad sex.
Jump, jump, jUmP, jump, JUMP. It gives, I'm going to jump you, a whole new meaning.
I still have moments where I feel insecure - I wonder if I have to tell myself I want to stay single just to justify the fact that no one wants to date me. Then that progressed to having no real friendships and completely failing in life... But then there are times when I hear about people calling me "absolutely fucking beautiful" and there are times I know I could rock the socks off of any guy who passed my way. Trust me, I have my ways.
Oh, and I do have friends. I'm just a little bit dramatic...
I cried in front of my ex-boyfriend in the library yesterday (DRAMA) because, without him, I am finally having to wo/man up and face myself alone. I am learning to live with myself and as he said, when I finally find myself again I'm going to absolutely love who I am. In other words, I'll just wait for the moment that I have the overwhelming urge to masturbate all the time, because who wouldn't want to get action from a hot little thing like me? Too much? ;) j/k
I finally set some standards... he needs to enjoy reading, science, exploring/hiking/adventure, and kick ass. Yes, he needs to most definitely kick ass and he needs to, on some level, know he kicks ass. Oh, and probably not Christian (I don't generally tend to like their sexual views). Oh, and not gay.
The first question that pops out of my mouth, even for friends, is: "do you read for enjoyment," because if the person doesn't read for enjoyment then we don't usually end up hanging out for long.
I worry - but then again, who doesn't and how many drugs are they on? Everyone worries. What sets a person apart is how they deal with it and what they do to improve.
I worry, but I'll improve.
Oh, and if I didn’t mention it before the last Harry Potter book was AMAZING - I laughed, screamed out loud, jumped up and down, cried, laughed some more, cried some more, and repeated.
Then I got to the last chapter and I agree with most of the fandom - Rowling most likely bought a set of crayons and found her inner child.