606 Let's play truth
1. Did you see this coming? YES.
2. Is Sam a monster? NO.
3. Is Sam human? NO AND YES. Actually, he's both. His body is human. But there's parts missing. And actually, this is not new territory for Show. I've been waiting for them to do this test on Dean for YEARS.
4. Does Sam feel? YES. He feels things. He feels emotions: fear, pain, sadness, happiness, confusion, all of it. But he feels them differently. It was explained to me this way: put a bag of ice on your hand - solid ice - for three days. Then take it off and hold a flaming match to it. Will you feel it? No. Will you be confused why it doesn't hurt? Yes. Will you remember that it should hurt and still react to it? Yes. And do you keep expecting the numbness to wear off? Yes. But does it? No.
5. How could he lie? To whom?
6. TO VERITAS! Oh, that. You know, it was even harder for Sam to lie to DEAN than it was to lie to her. Did you notice that? How much more choked his voice was? I think that should mean something. I think it DOES mean something. That it's not just because Dean's his brother. It also means that Dean isn't 100% human, either.
7. BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN? It means that the unction we call "feeling" sometimes doesn't originate in our bodies. It lives in our souls. When we don't have our souls, we feel that gap. Sam felt it, when Cas told them how he could look inside Aaron and see what's hidden there. The idea scared Sam. But he kept it to himself... because who wants to be told that they don't have a soul.
8. But it's REALLY Sam? YES.
9. But how do you know? IDUNNO. I just do.
10. BUT WHY? You remember how Sam said he froze? You remember how Dean believed him about it? You remember how when Sam turned away, he was back to being cold? It's because when Dean is around, Sam starts to thaw out. He feels a vague sense of who he was. But as soon as Dean is out of the picture, for any reason, the feeling comes back. The ice comes back. If he's around Dean enough, maybe he can get better.
11. But then why in the hell did he let Dean get turned? For the reasons that Sam said at the end, but not only for those reasons. They are looking for Alphas for an entirely different reason than they've told Dean. But the truth is, he let him turn because he's looking for what HE is. And he's doing it by slowly eliminating the possibilities. That's not to say that he thought he was a vampire, no, but he knew he was something that could DEFEAT a vampire. But he doesn't know what it FEELS like to be able to do that - to make that choice.
12. BUT WHAT THE HELL. The Sam we all know and love, Dean included, would stop and think about the repercussions of everything he does. He's always questioned the good versus the bad, never shot first and asked questions later. There has only been one other time that Sam has felt that way: when Dean died. Dean is the other half of his soul. When Dean was gone, so was Sam. It's why Dean doesn't feel right either. It's why he knows that Sam isn't right. He knows there's something missing, but what is it? IDUNNO.
13. So what now? Sam's soul is out there. Someone or something has it. Who would want it or be able to get it, harbor it, hide it? ... DO YOU NEED A FLOW CHART.
14. But can Sam still love Dean when he doesn't have a soul? He remembers what it is supposed to feel like to love him. He knows that he will again someday, if he can find what he's looking for. If he doesn't find it, then in the process of looking, he's found Dean, he's tested him and he has some small comfort in knowing that at least Dean is the same as him.... since he's let Dean handle the things that he has dealt with all year -- defeated things with powers that only the two of them share... power like being able to kill angels and still look them in the eye.