SHIT!!
I had a good time at Kettering's Prom and at the same time it was the worst night of my life. But whatever, I can't do anything to change anything that happened. What's done is done and I guess that some things are just meant to be the way they're supposed to. I probably lost a friend and they probably lost me as a friend, I leave that up to them whether or not we stay friends. I want to yell, scream, cry and throw a tantrum, my emotions are so mixed up and no one really cares, why should I have to take all the bullshit from everyone whether or not its my bullshit to take. Whatever, I don't fucking care anymore. I don't know if should ever again, that way I might stop hurting, maybe a shelled life is better than one where you hurt all the time. Not a physical pain, one that strikes through you and boomerangs back to hit you in the back over and over until you hurt so much you can't feel it anymore. Truthfully I expected it, because that's how everything of that kind ends up for me, but I had hope and now that has been taken from me. "When a man loses hope, he loses himself" - Quote from Flight of the Pheonix. If anyone actually cares about me out there, I'll be alright, it has happened to me many times of different degrees, but I think this one is the worst. I feel like shit that has been walked all over and then disgustingly scraped from the bottom of the shoe like I'm something that is only there to stink and be there only to hurt others. WELL I'M NOT! I HAVE FEELINGS LIKE MOST OTHER PEOPLE AND I DON'T THINK PEOPLE UNDERSTAND THAT. I DO GET HURT NO MATTER THE SITUATION BECAUSE I DO CARE AND BECAUSE I PUT MYSELF IN THEIR SHOES, AND I TRY TO HELP WHENEVER I CAN, BUT NO. MY CARING ISN'T WORTH IT, MY CARING SHOULDN'T BE GIVEN AS A TREASURE, MY CARING IS SOMETHING TO BE REVILED AND TOSSED ASIDE LIKE A DEAD RAT. THAT'S WHERE CARING GETS YOU, IN SHIT THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO BE IN. IT GETS YOU SO FAR AND YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN DO ANYTHING AS LONG AS ONE PERSON, ONE FUCKING PERSON CARES JUST AS MUCH AS YOU DO BACK. MY FEELINGS ARE NOT A TOY AND SHOULD NOT BE TREATED AS SUCH. IF YOU TELL ME ONE THING I TAKE IT AT FACE VALUE, GIVING THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT BECAUSE THERE IS PEOPLE WHO DON'T TWIST WORDS FOR THE FUN OF IT. BUT I GET TOLD ONE THING AND THEN ANOTHER AND THEN YET AGAIN ANOTHER. WELL YOU KNOW WHAT, I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN GIVE TRUST AS FREELY AS I USED TO. TOO MANY TIMES HAVE I BEEN EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY AND VERBALLY ABUSED BY OTHERS WHO DON'T THINK OF THE PERSON THEY'RE TALKING TO AND HOW THEY'RE GOING TO REACT TO WHAT THEY'RE SAYING. HIPOCRACY IS ONE THING I CANNOT TOLERATE, AND I TOLERATE MOST THINGS. I COULD GO ON FOREVER ABOUT ALL THE SHIT THAT I'M HAVING TO DEAL WITH RIGHT NOW AND YET I DON'T THINK ONE PERSON CAN UNDERSTAND, SYMPATHIZE NOR HAVE THE WANT TO. I WAS HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE AND IT COULD HAVE BEEN BETTER WITH YOU, BUT HOPE, CARING AND (AS FAR AS I CAN TELL) LOVE GETS YOU NOWHERE BUT IN THE PIT OF HELL TO BURN ETERNALLY. I FORGET MOST THINGS, I CAN PASS THEM OFF MY SHOULDERS AS SOMETHING THAT WAS NOT MEANT TO HARM, THAT WAS NOT MEANT TO COME OFF THE WAY IT DID OR JUST BECAUSE THAT'S WHO THAT PERSON IS. YET THIS I CAN NEVER FORGET, I WON'T LET MYSELF AND MAYBE NEXT TIME, I'LL HAVE THE SENSE TO REALIZE THE SITUATION BEFORE IT HAPPENS AGAIN AND MAYBE END UP PLEASANTLY SURPRISED WHEN IT TAKES A DIFFERENT TURN. I'm done for tonight and am truthfully sorry if I hurt anyone in my rant, but I'm tired of the shit I get from my friends and people who don't know me. Most of all my friends because they should understand at the very least my feelings. I'm glad they tell me the truth, but I don't appreciate being led to believe one thing by words or text and come to find those mean nothing. Good night.