long entry
i haven't had an emotional entry for a little while, so here i go.
the thing where i can't indent my paragraphs is kind of annoying me.
so yea. i saw Dan this past sat, sun and monday. sometime back in april he told me that he couldn't see me everyday. i understood that. a couple of nights ago, i sent him an im while he was away that said i'll give you a little break, aka apart from seeing him i wouldn't call him either. thursdays are our day, so in my mind that kind of meant i'll see you on thursday. i talked to him last night online, and he said that he promised he would jam with a couple of people. that day being tomorrow, meaning i wouldn't see him. the time this break is suppose to be ending is saturday, in which my movie night it occuring, in which you guys are invited. Breanna factoid here: i have a bad memory. i don't remember if he said he was for sure jamming and can't see me or what. i guess i would have to wait for his call tomorrow. if he doesn't call i will be sad. i know saturday is only 2 more days longer, but i still want to see him earlier :( i really do. he wants to organize his days on what he's doing and who he's seeing. i'm getting tuesdays and thursdays. those days are close together. i would hate waiting in between. i do want to see him like one more time during the week. if there's a random time he's not doing anything, i'd welcome him with open arms. i wouldn't mind seeing more than he wants to at all. i wouldn't get sick of him. i enjoy being with him. it doesn't in any way make me sick. it's not exactly like that with him. not that it's making him sick, just that he doesn't prefer seeing me more than a couple times a week. i don't want to ever be problematic, and i don't want him to do things just cause it would make me happy. there's not much i can do about this organization thing. i have to deal. with those days in between, i'll really miss him. speaking that i'm not going to call him and i know for sure i won't see him for a certain time, i miss him now. yes i know saturday is not far away, but i still miss him. this is all of course if he doesn't call me tomorrow.
this is so pitifull, stupid, "get over it Breanna, what the hell it's only a few days". i know this. i can't help it. i love him. it's just not that. i'm also "obsessed". i've always dreamed of someone being as"obsessed" with me as i am with them. dumb but true. still haven't found that yet. at least i'd feel a lot less than a loser if/when i do. i need another priority. can't exactly find one to take my time off the bf a bit.
i'm really hating on myself right now
i got my ecxema again. i've always had it on the back of my legs, but i just removed the mark with some fade cream. i haven't scratched it since. i all of a sudden got the urge to scratch again. so oddly, i recently got it on the back of both of my elbows and the both sides of my neck as well. i started bleeding, there are ugly bumps and it's all dark. and to make it better, those marks are permanant until i remove it with something, which takes about a couple of months. you can still see the bumps and the dead skin. the color would just be gone. the back of my legs isn't as obvious as something like my damn neck. it's so obvious that it was mistaken for a huge hicky by joe. damn ecxema. way to down my appearance more than i already have the self esteem to take.
well sarah. you were right. i should just wait until graduation. the whole spending the night thing with Dan didn't happen this past weekend. i need to bounce into reality. i'm never that damn lucky. it's still in my best interest to try again, again, and frickin again.
and how wonderful. i'm so discouraged about this. i can't even attempt a good back hand spring anymore. tonight, i was just afraid to do it. i always went really crooked, depeneded on my spotter to hold me, and fell at the end. i was so sad. i hope i won't always be scared for now on. i was always so excited to do it. i don't know what happened. i really wanted to have it by the first game. i doubt that's going to happen. after i left practice, i really thought about practicing it at home. i'd probably break my neck without a spot. i'm so close to not even caring. i'm so tempted to do it. this really is discouraging. i seriously wanted it by the first game. i was getting close :'(
i can't wait to go back to work on friday, so i can feel like i'm not bothering anyone. since i didn't sleep with Dan, i could have went to work on monday. i was so mad i took off that day.
i predict i'm going to cry myself to sleep
the thing where i can't indent my paragraphs is kind of annoying me.
so yea. i saw Dan this past sat, sun and monday. sometime back in april he told me that he couldn't see me everyday. i understood that. a couple of nights ago, i sent him an im while he was away that said i'll give you a little break, aka apart from seeing him i wouldn't call him either. thursdays are our day, so in my mind that kind of meant i'll see you on thursday. i talked to him last night online, and he said that he promised he would jam with a couple of people. that day being tomorrow, meaning i wouldn't see him. the time this break is suppose to be ending is saturday, in which my movie night it occuring, in which you guys are invited. Breanna factoid here: i have a bad memory. i don't remember if he said he was for sure jamming and can't see me or what. i guess i would have to wait for his call tomorrow. if he doesn't call i will be sad. i know saturday is only 2 more days longer, but i still want to see him earlier :( i really do. he wants to organize his days on what he's doing and who he's seeing. i'm getting tuesdays and thursdays. those days are close together. i would hate waiting in between. i do want to see him like one more time during the week. if there's a random time he's not doing anything, i'd welcome him with open arms. i wouldn't mind seeing more than he wants to at all. i wouldn't get sick of him. i enjoy being with him. it doesn't in any way make me sick. it's not exactly like that with him. not that it's making him sick, just that he doesn't prefer seeing me more than a couple times a week. i don't want to ever be problematic, and i don't want him to do things just cause it would make me happy. there's not much i can do about this organization thing. i have to deal. with those days in between, i'll really miss him. speaking that i'm not going to call him and i know for sure i won't see him for a certain time, i miss him now. yes i know saturday is not far away, but i still miss him. this is all of course if he doesn't call me tomorrow.
this is so pitifull, stupid, "get over it Breanna, what the hell it's only a few days". i know this. i can't help it. i love him. it's just not that. i'm also "obsessed". i've always dreamed of someone being as"obsessed" with me as i am with them. dumb but true. still haven't found that yet. at least i'd feel a lot less than a loser if/when i do. i need another priority. can't exactly find one to take my time off the bf a bit.
i'm really hating on myself right now
i got my ecxema again. i've always had it on the back of my legs, but i just removed the mark with some fade cream. i haven't scratched it since. i all of a sudden got the urge to scratch again. so oddly, i recently got it on the back of both of my elbows and the both sides of my neck as well. i started bleeding, there are ugly bumps and it's all dark. and to make it better, those marks are permanant until i remove it with something, which takes about a couple of months. you can still see the bumps and the dead skin. the color would just be gone. the back of my legs isn't as obvious as something like my damn neck. it's so obvious that it was mistaken for a huge hicky by joe. damn ecxema. way to down my appearance more than i already have the self esteem to take.
well sarah. you were right. i should just wait until graduation. the whole spending the night thing with Dan didn't happen this past weekend. i need to bounce into reality. i'm never that damn lucky. it's still in my best interest to try again, again, and frickin again.
and how wonderful. i'm so discouraged about this. i can't even attempt a good back hand spring anymore. tonight, i was just afraid to do it. i always went really crooked, depeneded on my spotter to hold me, and fell at the end. i was so sad. i hope i won't always be scared for now on. i was always so excited to do it. i don't know what happened. i really wanted to have it by the first game. i doubt that's going to happen. after i left practice, i really thought about practicing it at home. i'd probably break my neck without a spot. i'm so close to not even caring. i'm so tempted to do it. this really is discouraging. i seriously wanted it by the first game. i was getting close :'(
i can't wait to go back to work on friday, so i can feel like i'm not bothering anyone. since i didn't sleep with Dan, i could have went to work on monday. i was so mad i took off that day.
i predict i'm going to cry myself to sleep