Stormy weather brings smiles and happy faces...
Sorta. I am rather enjoying the thunderstorms and dreary weather here. Thanksgiving is gonna be a downer, but at least i'll have the rain to keep my spirits up. I'm such an odd ball.
Things have been going well. I think. Work is ok, mom's ok, i'm ok. Not great, but getting by each day. That's good enough for me.
Been doing a lot of thinking. I don't know how to explain my thoughts,without getting them jumbled up, and the meanings lost, so I wont try. Maybe the words will come to me someday and I will be able to write them dowm. But they are calming.
I miss Chii...
I miss my dad, this will be the third thanksgiving, the third christmas... it still feels like yesterday. It hurts. I can still hear his voice on the otehr end of the phone... even tho it was impossible because he was unconsious... I know I heard him. I'm just glad I still remember his voice, his smile, his smell... I never want to forget. I'm scared that one day I will wake up, and I wont be able to remember. I'm afraid to let go.
Been playing a lot of DAoC, I guess I need an escape from real life.
Havent been feeling really well, but not too bad either. I'm not depressed, but i'm not all that happy. But, I do feel more calm. I'm not getting the late night panic attacks anymore, the ones where I wake up and just want to OD on every pill I can find. Or slit my wrists. I normally say "nothing is worth killing yourself over" But lately I have been thinking "Is death really that bad? What do I have to loose? How do I know I wont be happier?" Becoming nothing completely is better than being something, and nothing at the same time.
I scare myself sometimes, but in the end, I guess I'll be ok. No matter what happens.
Went to the cat show with Beth, Richard and Win. Lita and Corey did not go. It was nice, to get out. We ate ay Mai's then I rushed off to work.
I wanted to talk about a bunch of other stuff, like how people who invite too much drama into their lives piss me off. And some about families, not knowing what you have until you've lost it. But I dunno, I think, it's all been said before and I dont need to repeat it.
Best wishes to everyone and be safe driving in the rain. See most of you on Friday maybe.
Things have been going well. I think. Work is ok, mom's ok, i'm ok. Not great, but getting by each day. That's good enough for me.
Been doing a lot of thinking. I don't know how to explain my thoughts,without getting them jumbled up, and the meanings lost, so I wont try. Maybe the words will come to me someday and I will be able to write them dowm. But they are calming.
I miss Chii...
I miss my dad, this will be the third thanksgiving, the third christmas... it still feels like yesterday. It hurts. I can still hear his voice on the otehr end of the phone... even tho it was impossible because he was unconsious... I know I heard him. I'm just glad I still remember his voice, his smile, his smell... I never want to forget. I'm scared that one day I will wake up, and I wont be able to remember. I'm afraid to let go.
Been playing a lot of DAoC, I guess I need an escape from real life.
Havent been feeling really well, but not too bad either. I'm not depressed, but i'm not all that happy. But, I do feel more calm. I'm not getting the late night panic attacks anymore, the ones where I wake up and just want to OD on every pill I can find. Or slit my wrists. I normally say "nothing is worth killing yourself over" But lately I have been thinking "Is death really that bad? What do I have to loose? How do I know I wont be happier?" Becoming nothing completely is better than being something, and nothing at the same time.
I scare myself sometimes, but in the end, I guess I'll be ok. No matter what happens.
Went to the cat show with Beth, Richard and Win. Lita and Corey did not go. It was nice, to get out. We ate ay Mai's then I rushed off to work.
I wanted to talk about a bunch of other stuff, like how people who invite too much drama into their lives piss me off. And some about families, not knowing what you have until you've lost it. But I dunno, I think, it's all been said before and I dont need to repeat it.
Best wishes to everyone and be safe driving in the rain. See most of you on Friday maybe.