The Last Day On Earth...
Today is the 30th, and at midnight tonight, bars in the greater metro will go smoke free! Yay! I loathe smoking, not smokers, just smoking. I have a lot of friends who smoke, so it's hard to just hate smokers and smoking. But now I can look forward to a nice evening at a bar without waking up the next day feeling like _I_ smoked a fucking pack.
So the official word on me seems to be confusion lately. I don't know what to tell anyone... It's hard to not understand yourself, and attempt to be "yourself". Conflict, confusion and all that jazz constantly play a part. There's a part of me that can be totally harsh and honest and blunt, but there's another part that hates that about me, and another part that loves it. I don't get off on hurting people, contrary to what many believe I imagine. Rather, I am stubborn, so when I need to go on the offensive, it can get really ugly fast. I'm not really sure what exactly it's going to take to even all that out, but lately I've thought long and hard about myself, and I want to adopt a more benign personality. The constant flux between anger, depression, joy and boredom is driving my life to places it doesn't need to go.
On that note, I've been considering leaving my job and enlisting. There's something intriguing and scary about the fact that that thought has come back to me. I've always been totally patriotic, and something in me tells me my father would understand me better and respect me more if I enlisted. It's kind of sad and pathetic how much his feelings toward me structure my thoughts and life. My dad will always be the most important person in my life, and nothing will ever change that. I've always wished I had a closer relationship with him, but I don't think it's possible. Watching his interaction with my grandfather makes me see my position in a pretty clear light. That's just the way our family works I guess. I'm never really going to have any really deep meaningful conversations with my dad about his feelings because he's not built for that. I guess the only thing I can really do is live as best as I can and use everything he's taught me to be a better person. I have a lot to change if I hope to live up to the standards he created for himself so long ago.
So the official word on me seems to be confusion lately. I don't know what to tell anyone... It's hard to not understand yourself, and attempt to be "yourself". Conflict, confusion and all that jazz constantly play a part. There's a part of me that can be totally harsh and honest and blunt, but there's another part that hates that about me, and another part that loves it. I don't get off on hurting people, contrary to what many believe I imagine. Rather, I am stubborn, so when I need to go on the offensive, it can get really ugly fast. I'm not really sure what exactly it's going to take to even all that out, but lately I've thought long and hard about myself, and I want to adopt a more benign personality. The constant flux between anger, depression, joy and boredom is driving my life to places it doesn't need to go.
On that note, I've been considering leaving my job and enlisting. There's something intriguing and scary about the fact that that thought has come back to me. I've always been totally patriotic, and something in me tells me my father would understand me better and respect me more if I enlisted. It's kind of sad and pathetic how much his feelings toward me structure my thoughts and life. My dad will always be the most important person in my life, and nothing will ever change that. I've always wished I had a closer relationship with him, but I don't think it's possible. Watching his interaction with my grandfather makes me see my position in a pretty clear light. That's just the way our family works I guess. I'm never really going to have any really deep meaningful conversations with my dad about his feelings because he's not built for that. I guess the only thing I can really do is live as best as I can and use everything he's taught me to be a better person. I have a lot to change if I hope to live up to the standards he created for himself so long ago.