The War On Drugs
The War on Drugs
A story by Dorian Black
The trouble sprouted the day I was born. Well, sort of. It was really three months ago, late in the summer of 2004. That’s when I realized I was gay, which all good Christians, like me, know is a sin against God. Being one of the youngest members of the church committee makes being gay really hard. Especially when everyone always talks about “saving the poor homosexuals.” It’s disgusting. But they think being gay is disgusting, but worth ranting over. But no matter, I’m pretty good at playing it straight, or so I thought.
David was another member of the church committee, and a cute one at that. He was 6’1”, had sandy blonde hair, and a goatee, so he was absolutely adorable, and seemed the least likely to crucify somebody, so to speak. It was Thursday, and we were in our meeting for what would happen this Sunday. We did our normal prayer, then got down to business. From across the table, David looked at me funny, sort of an “I’m on to you” look. What did he know? What’s going on? I waited for him outside after the meeting ended. About 10 minutes later, he emerged. He looked at me, and said, “Let’s take a walk.”
We silently walked about half a mile. He stopped and looked at me, then asked, “So how long have you been gay?” I was absolutely stunned. My mind started racing. “How did you know?” I asked him, my moth dry. He laughed out loud and said “Sweetheart, you’re really bad at playing it straight. The others can’t tell, but I can.”
“I could’ve sworn I was a convincing straight guy. But if the others can’t, how can you?” He laughed out loud again. He had a very sweet laugh. “Honey, I’m gay too. Didn’t you know that?”
This was too much. I sighed and sat down on the grass nearby. He sat down next to me and said, “So, who all knows?” I thought to myself for a minute. “I think I’ve come out to…two people. My sister and Andrew. Yeah.” He frowned. “Have you thought about how to tell your Mom?” It was common knowledge that my parents divorced due to religious beliefs, my mother being a devout Christian, and my father being a Pagan. This was sort of a dirty little not-so-secret around the community. “Honestly? I have no fucking clue how to tell her. She’ll probably go ballistic and have me locked away in a padded room somewhere. I really, really hate having extremely religious parents.”
“I agree, it does suck. I feel like I’m living a lie. My dad knew, but he didn’t really care much. He kept it from my Mom, bless his soul.”
David’s father had died when he was only five years old. The church had a candlelight vigil for him two weeks after it happened, and my Mom had given his mother $200 dollars to help out. She’s a respectably giving person, but she was never an accepting one. A year ago she barred me from any contact with my oldest friend, who turned out to be a lesbian. She also cut off contact with one of her friends who converted to Judaism.
I lay back on the grass and sighed deeply, letting everything soak into my mind. It was hard to take in the reality of my life taking such a sharp turn. The problem was not keeping it from my mother, but keeping it from everyone else. Word spreads fast in a small town like this, where everyone knew each other. A small secret could be all over town by nightfall, and completely different from the truth. That can mean total devastation for anybody, no matter what.
Feeling sick, I told David I’d see him later and went home. “Hey, wait a minute!” he said. He got up and walked up to me, and kissed me on the cheek. I was stunned by it, but it felt natural as could be. Dazed, I went home.
I breezed passed my mother as I walked in, completely disregarding what he greetings, and went to my room. I’ve never been so afraid to look at someone in my entire life. I put on a Nirvana CD and lay down on my bed, in tears. After about 30 minutes, I heard a knock on the door. “Leave me alone!” I yelled. Sarah barged in anyway, in her signature torn jeans and band tees-shirt, today Norma Jean. “Hey queer little brother, how ya doin’?” She said, with a loving tone.
Sarah was always the black sheep of the family, completely refusing to go to church or be part of any family activities. To this day, Mom always resented the fact that she wouldn’t accept Jesus into her heart. Nevertheless, she respected her decision. She was usually found in her room, loud music blaring, or at some club in Seattle, headbanging to some local band. She was always more accepting of people then Mom, which made her a lot easier to talk to. This is probably why she’d been the only one I’d come out to, unless you count David, who figured it out for himself.
She walked in, took off her headphones, and sat next to me on my bed, humming the song that was playing. “So, want something to take your mind off your new found sexuality?” She said, happily. “Well, not really, but something to do so you don’t have to keep it bottled up inside?” This statement scared the living shit out of me. I was wondering what she was talking about and what exactly she had planned. I nodded, which made her even more excited. “Okay, so, tomorrow night I’m going to take you with me to Seattle to Neumos. And I’m going to dress you up real pretty. Sound good?” Even more frightened, but even more curious, I agreed. She squealed happily and hugged me, then said, “Don’t worry little bro, you’ll thank me for this!” and then left the room. I lie back down and fell asleep.
The next day at school was boring. Math, English, lunch, Shop. Everything was worthless, but at least it was Friday. I went home, and Mom wasn’t home, which was good. I went into my room, to find Sarah already there, zoning out and playing air guitar along with the song "Come As You Are". I noticed she had some clothes lain out on the bed: A Mad Season tee-shirt, a pair of fishnet arm warmers, a spike bracelet, and a plaid skirt, which was the first thing to catch my attention. “Oh no, the other stuff I’m fine with, but there is no way in hell I’m wearing a skirt anywhere. Forget about that sister!” She stopped her air guitar solo to smile at me sweetly. I knew that under all that nail polish and ripped denim, she was a sweet, caring girl. “Honey, this is your first step, letting the old you go. You’ve just gotta roll with it, man! Just enjoy the ride!” she told me, with a very drugged out feeling to it. I sighed and reluctantly got dressed.
Around 7:00, I grabbed all of the clothes that she’d picked out and put it on the towel bar, then showered up. As I was getting dressed, Sarah came in. “Hey, do you mind! I’d like some privacy!” She laughed some more and said, “Don’t worry your pretty little head. I just wanted to tell you I have one more thing I need to do to you before we leave.” Baffled, I finished getting dressed, feeling awkward in a good way. I came out, and she was sitting on my bed again, with some nail polish in front of her. Mortified, I refused. “I’ll go with the skirt, I’ll go with the pink fishnets, but I draw the line at nail polish!”
“Calm down, we’re just going to do them black. It’s not like I’m painting them bright pink or anything.
Around 7:45 we were in the car, traveling down the highway towards Seattle. I loved seeing the city from far away, it looked beautiful all lit up. Half an hour later, we pulled up next to Neumos, which was a well known all ages club where local bands would frequently perform for the young rockers. Tonight, as the marquee pointed out, Presidents of the United States of America was playing, which happened to be one of my favorite bands. “I thought this was the perfect time to give you that birthday present I owed ya. Happy really-fucking-late birthday, bro!” she said, and then gave me a big hug. As we walked in, we were greeted by blasting music by some opening act, which I didn’t recognize. To my surprise, David was there, too. He was dressed just like he usually is, a tee-shirt (tonight a very retro Pulp Fiction shirt) and faded jeans. “Hey Nick!” He said, then gave me a hug. I was still new to all this, it was really going to take some getting use to. After getting beer for everyone (“The perks of a fake I.D.!” Sarah said, happily, sipping her drink), we took our seats as they started playing “Love Everybody.”
We were near the back, so we were closer to the bar. Sarah sat on one side of me with her boyfriend (who we met there), and I sat next to David. Thankfully, Sarah kept getting new bottles of Miller for us. Or, maybe, not so thankfully. I don’t know what happened, maybe the drinks, maybe the druggy atmosphere, but the next thing I knew Sarah was hollering at me. “Nick, c’mon bro, there are children present!” I blinked and realized I was on top of David, but I didn’t remember doing anything. Whatever the case may be, I was certainly over my nervousness.
Tipsy, we all wandered out of the club about two hours later. I blinked as I took in the cold night air. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and swiveled to find David standing there, with a caring look on his face. “Sorry,” I said, trying my best not to look at him. “I dunno what happened there.” He stood on his toes (I’m about two inches taller than him) and kissed me sweetly. “Sweetheart, It’s alright.” He hugged me tight. “I’ll see you at church.”
I mostly stayed in my room Saturday, as I was slightly hung-over, and didn’t want to see anyone. Sunday came quickly, as it does on boring weekends. I met David outside the church, and we sat with each other during the sermon. We sat in a back pew, away from everyone, so we could whisper to each other without being overheard. We sat in silence as Reverend Allen started the sermon. After about five minutes, David was the first to break the silence. “Nick, I just wanted to let you know, I enjoyed last night, even if you didn’t.” A tear formed in my eye, as I realized the magnitude of what was going on. “I did too, but I really don’t know what happened. This is all a big mess.”
“I know it is, I’m sorry. This is partially my fault. I shouldn’t have met you there.” With a laugh, I said “Well, at least I’m over my nervousness around other guys now.” We both spent the last of the sermon giggling, trying to keep quiet, which made several people look back at us angrily.
We wandered around some more after church. We didn’t want to stick around; churchgoers shouldn’t have heard what we would be talking about. So we just decided to walk home. The entire time, we talked about our friends and families, and what would happen if we were ever found out. It was still a lot to take in, But I found the more I learned about David, the more I liked him, it made me feel really connected to him. I started to really care about his plight, how he had an older brother who had killed himself, a father who was killed tragically, and a mother on the brink of madness. My soul ached for him. We shared stories about our lives, about our families, at their best and worst. We laughed a lot, and we cried a lot. It was a deep thing, something neither of us saw coming.
We decided to go over to my house to spend the rest of the day. Mom and Sarah were there when we got there, and when Sarah saw us walk in, she smiled brightly. I could tell she was really happy that I was finally in the right place. But Mom didn’t seem so impressed. She sent David on to wait for me while she talked to me in private. “Nick honey, all this time you’re spending with David all of a sudden…aren’t you worried about what people may think?” I looked at her in utter disbelief that such words had just come out or her mouth. I gave her a dirty “that was really fucked up” look and left without saying a word. I walked in to find David rifling through my CD collection, mumbling to himself. He was so caught up in looking that he didn’t even notice I had come in. When I shut the door, he yelped a little bit in fear. “Holy shit, you coulda said something!” He looked at my angry look, and his expression changed to that of worry. “What? What did your Mom say to you?” I told him what she said, and after I did, his expression changed again, this time to disgust and revulsion. “Excuse me? Are you fucking with me? She actually said that?” I sighed deeply and said, “Yeah, she actually said that. This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.
Monday came. Everyone in school was still buzzing from the weekend, as the reality of being back in school hadn’t sunk in yet. But something set the day apart from any other day. Something in the form of a photograph.
Cindy was the biggest bitch in the school. She was notorious for ruining peoples lives, with no feelings of pity. So, when she walked up to me at lunch that day, wearing an evil grin, I was frightened. She got up real close to my ear and whispered, maniacally, “I know your dirty little secret, Nick. You had better watch yourself.” I laughed a little, in absolute fear, and whispered back, “Cindy, I don’t give a fuck. Do your worst.” She smiled even more. “Fine then. Enjoy the aftermath of your life falling down around you.” She said, and then walked away. I blinked, taking it in. I found David in the crowd and pulled him away from the story he was telling an intently listening group of people.
“Nick, what’s wrong?” I told him what Cindy had said, and what I had said. “Why would you say that? WHY!” He was stunned beyond belief. “Don’t worry, she won’t do anything. I know she has a soul. She wouldn’t do anything like that.
So I was wrong, big surprise. Half an hour later, I walked into Science, and the entire class went dead silent. I took my seat, and as I did, I felt the gaze of 31 different people upon me. I’d never felt so cold. The quiet lifted as whispers started around the room. I heard my name mentioned about five times. One thought went through my mind: We’re fucked.
I walked out of school to find David leaning on a tree, waiting for me, worried. He’d obviously heard the silent uproar that Cindy had caused. We walked awhile, and after we were away from the school, he gave me a big hug and a kiss. “Oh honey, I’m sorry! How could she do that?” I sat down on the grass as tears formed in my eyes. “I don’t know. But I don’t think she said anything about you. Did she talk to you at all?” He thought for a minute and said, “Yeah, she said basically the same thing as she said to you. I told her that even if it were true, nobody would believe it.” He sighed and sat down on the grass next to me, and laid his head on my shoulder. “So what are we going to do?” He asked, his voice trembling a little bit. He was afraid, and I could relate; so was I. We would just have to wait and deny any questions we were asked.
We walked in to find my Mom waiting there for me, a look of mixed rage and sadness in her eyes. I could tell immediately what happened. I told David to wait for me in my room, while I talked to her. He left, and with distinct disgust in her voice, she said, “So, since when have you been gay?” With all the anger I could muster at the time, I told her “Fuck you. I don’t need to deal with you right now. I have bigger problems than you. Good bye.” and then went in to my room.
I walked in and broke the news to him. There was a look of horror on his face that made me feel horrible. We locked ourselves in my bedroom for the next few hours. We mainly sat in silence, tears in our eyes. This was big. Bigger then we should’ve had to deal with. We turned on the radio, and the song "War On Drugs" by Barenaked Ladies song was playing. “Oh the irony. ‘The very fear that makes you wanna die/is just the same that keeps you alive/it’s way more trouble then subtle suicide is worth’. Don’t ya just love crap like that happens?” I lay there for a minute, listening to the last of the song. “Nick?” I snapped back into reality. “Yeah, David?” He stopped for a minute, than said, “I love you.” On the verge of tears again, I said, “I love you too, David.” At this, I started weeping. He climbed up on my bed and held me for a time, both of us in tears. We fell asleep in each other’s arms.
We never left my room. We just decided to stay in there all night, so we wouldn’t have to face my Mom. The next morning, I awoke to a light knocking on my door. I found that I was still in David’s arms, so I gently lay him down (He was beautiful when he was asleep) and went to answer it. “Who is it?” A small voice called back. “It’s Sarah, can I come in?” I reluctantly opened the door so she could come in. I quickly closed the door and locked it, just in case Mom happened to be waiting to sneak in and throw holy water at me. The first thing she did after I locked the door was mess up my hair (more than it already was) and give me a big hug. “Oh Nick, I’m so sorry.” I started to cry again. “I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I just…I feel horrible.”
“I know, Nick, I know.” We just stood there for a few minutes. She suddenly let me go to look at her watch. “Holy shit, you guys need to get going, or you’ll be late.” I got David up, and we left in a hurry, still feeling horrible. We walked in and everyone was looking at us in mixed fear and disgust. Andrew walked up to us and said, “Holy shit, you two look absolutely horrible.”
Andrew had been my friend since we were about six, which made him my oldest friend. He’d stuck through with me, through everything, without flinching. As a matter of fact, he was the first person I’d come out to, to which he replied, “Alright, cool, let’s get some coffee.” He was about 5’5’’, making him shorter than most people at the school, but what he lost in height, he made up for in the ability to make anyone laugh. He was always around for friendly support, and I loved him for that.
“I know we look horrible, we were crying our eyes out all night. What can you expect?” He looked very worried. “How did this happen? Do you know who spread it around?” Angrily, I pointed over at Cindy, who saw me pointed and smiled that evil grin of hers. Andrew’s eyes widened, and he said ‘I’m going to kill her! That fucking bitch!” He started to walk over to her, but I stopped him by grabbing the back of his collar. “Easy there sweetheart, this might be a losing battle for you. Ya don’t know what kind of shit she can dig up on you.” To my surprise, it was David, who I had not heard speak all morning. I figured he had lost his ability to speak sometime along this path. I walked up to him and gave him a kiss. “Thank you, David.” I said, wearily. At this, everything went silent. “Alright folks, there’s nothing to see here, keep on talking!” Andrew yelled. The room began to buzz again.
We all went to class. David and I both had Math together, so we sat in the back and whispered to each other. About an hour in, the loudspeaker came on. “Will you please send David Barish and Nick Miller to the office with their belongings. Thank you!” David and I exchanged worried looks. We grabbed our stuff and walked down the hall, hearts racing. My mother was standing outside, waiting for both of us. “What the fuck do you want now?” I spat at her. With mock sorrow, she said, “I just want to talk, and I figure we need all the time we can get. Get in the car, I’m taking you two out for the day. We walked back inside to discuss it. “Should we? She sounds like she means it.” David said. “No, she doesn’t. Not in this situation. She has other plans.”
“Nick, honey, let’s at least go with her. We’ll be missing school, and we can ditch her if we need to.” I agreed, but we made her agree to take us back if we wanted to. We climbed into the back of the 4Runner, and we set off. “Look, boys, this can’t happen. It’s absolutely unacceptable for you to do this. It’s a sin against God, you both know that….why would you choose to be something so vile?” At this, I opened the door and said that if she said anything like that again, I’d jump out.
We were silent for the rest of the trip. I asked where we were going, but I didn’t get a response, other than “You’ll see….” We soon pulled up to a large brick building. It was unmarked, but it had an old looking entryway. We got out and followed Mom inside. We climbed up until we came to a black door. We looked at each other, and entered. There was a group of people seated in a circle waiting for us. We quickly realized that they were all members of the church, one of whom being David’s mother. “Nick, David…” my mother said as she closed the ominous black door. “We’ve done a lot of collaborating recently…and we’ve decided, this lifestyle you’ve chosen is unacceptable. We come here not as members of the church, but as friends and loved ones. We beg of you, throw away this wretched idea you’ve had, Jesus does not approve of it; you know that.” I turned to look at my mother. She had a plastic smile on her face, but her eyes were cold. I was furious. I found the voice to say “Excuse me? Who are you? I don’t even know you anymore. I’m your son. I’m your own flesh and blood. I cannot believe you are doing this.” Her faux smile faded a little. “Honey!” she put her hand on my cheek. “I only want what’s best for you! I want you to repent your sins. Please, sweetheart.” I hit her arm away from me, and called to David, who was in tears. “David, let’s get the fuck out of here.” With this, he snapped out of it, as we headed towards the door. David turned back to the group. “I just have one thing to say to you. They say that Jesus and mental health are for those who can help themselves. But what good is that when you live in hell on earth? We love each other,” He took my hand and held it up. “Why can’t you just look past all of this blackness?” At this, we turned and left the room to muttering.
We went to the 4Runner to grab our bags, then we went to the nearby curb and hailed a cab. I checked my wallet to find several $20 bills inside; just enough cab fare to get us where we needed to go. A cab pulled up just as our mothers walked outside. “Don’t do this to yourselves!” they yelled to us. We both got in the cab, and I told the cab driver “Oceanview Apartments, please!” and we were off. We traveled through the streets of the city to our final destination. “Nick, where are we going?” I stayed silent until he asked a second time. “You’ll see.” I was silent for a minute, and then something in my mind clicked. I looked at him and said, with a laugh, “It really is a war on drugs, isn’t it? No matter how long we fight this, no matter what we do, we won’t be able to stop it. It’ll just keep coming back at us.”
“Yeah, I suppose that’s a good way of putting it.” He replied, his voice wobbling. We held each other’s hand as we made our way through the city.
We soon pulled up to the Oceanview Apartments building. “Hey, buddy, $37.50!” I turned back to him and handed him two twenty-dollar bills. “Keep the rest” I told him as he started off again. We entered the building, and I took the lead climbing flight after flight. After about twenty flights, we came to T-18. We walked right in to the apartment. My father was standing there, tossing paint at a canvas. He turned around, frightened to find two people wandering in unexpected. “Nolte? What the hell are you doing here?” he asked, positively perplexed.
My father, who was a starving artist, had separated from my mother in the winter of his 35th year. I was about seven at the time, and I couldn’t comprehend why mommy and daddy had to be apart. “Well, sweetie, sometimes things just happen. I’ll explain it to you when you’re older.” She told me. I later found out they had split up because Mom didn’t know Dad was a devout Pagan, which is also a sin (“Devil worship!” she always said), and being with a sinner was a no-no. “Hey, Dad. This is David. Mom’s gone insane.” He sighed deeply. “Yeah, she called and said they were having an intervention for you. And let me guess, you’ve come here with your new guy to hunker down until she’s done with her Jesus-fit, right?” At this point, he was laughing at the mere thought of having an intervention for someone purely because they’re gay, especially their own child. “Yeah, I guess you can stay here, if you don’t mind the smell of paint.” He tossed his brush on the spill canvas and walked up to give me a hug. “So how have you been doing Nolte? I haven’t heard from you in awhile.” We let go of each other and I said “I’ve been great, save for the fact that the entire town is in an uproar and Mom’s gone mad. How’s the painting going?” His face fell a little bit at this question. “Eh, not so good. Nothing’s doing very well. But I may have a potential buyer. After that, I think I may turn to film making, which I know you’ll like.”
“Of course I like that, just promise me I can help with it!”
After dropping off our things, we decided to go wander around the city. First we went into Starbucks to get some coffee (we were both still exhausted from the previous night), and then we were off. We went into god knows how many odd little shops around the area. We decided our time would be better spent causing a commotion at the SAM, so we went in and discussed the art in loud obnoxious voices, simply because we were so bored. It was probably the happiest day of my entire life, only having to worry about running from museum security. I was glad I was finally with someone who really cared. It was probably the happiest day of my entire life.
We decided we needed another cup of coffee before we headed back to Dad’s place. We popped into some murky coffee shop on our way back, one filled with the smoke of incense and reeking of peppermint. In a corner, someone was on the piano playing the song “Mad World” and singing the words. To our immense surprise, we found Sarah sitting inside, pouring the blue contents of a small bottle into her coffee. We decided it would be best to scare her. We slithered up behind her and snatched one of the chopsticks she had in her hair. “Hey!” she shouted, turning around. “Nick? David? What are you two doing here!”
“Well, Mom decided it was in our best interests to have an intervention for us, and we thought it was absolute bullshit, so we decided to call a cab and stay with Dad until she was done with her madness. Why are you here?” Taking back her chopstick and putting it back in her hair, she said, “Well, I’m here for another concert. Care to join me girls?” I looked back at David, who was talking to some guy at another table. “Hey, David!” he snapped back into reality and looked at me. “Want to go to another concert?” He pondered for a minute then said, “Well, depends. Who’s playing?”
“Elefant,” replied Sarah. He thought for another minute and said, “Naah, I could use a shower. Let’s go back to the apartment.”
The city air smelled salty, but with a hint of lavender in the air. We walked hand-in-hand down the sidewalk, anxious to get back to Dad’s and take a well-deserved shower. We finally got to the building, and we found an elevator there, so we took that instead of hiking up 20 floors. As we reached the top, we head an uproar. We exited the elevator to find several policemen talking angrily with my father. “Hey, what the fuck is going on here?” I yelled. “Are you,” one of the officers consulted his memo pad, “David Barish and Nick Miller?” We both exchanged looks of worry and said, “Yes, we are, who wants to know?” The officer looked at us angrily and said, “You two are coming with us.”
We got in the squad cars, completely confused. We muttered to each other the entire way. “It was probably my mom,” I said. “She was ‘worried’ about us and decided to call the cops to come and get us. She’s such a fucking bitch.”
The police station was very dark and cold. We were still wondering exactly why we were here. All we knew was we were both scared. We noticed we were still holding hands, and we hadn’t let go since we were on the street before we’d gone back up. We got to the end of the hallway to find a glass room, where both of our mothers were sitting. They looked up to see us and expressed more mock-joy. This was getting tiresome. “What the hell do you think you’re doing here?” David asked, in a mix of anger and weariness. “Sweetheart, we were worried about you! And you, Nick. You just grabbed your things and left without giving any of us a chance.” This was becoming the worst experience of my entire life. “A chance? Why the fuck should we give you a chance you biased assholes?” This was madder than I’d seen David in the entire time I’d known him. “Y’know, Mom, I’d like to know that to. Why would we give you a chance when you tried to have an intervention for us? That’s pretty messed up!” I yelled. “We went to Dad’s because we’re afraid of what you’re doing! This isn’t right! You’re rejecting us, your children, just because what we feel in our hearts is right is bad to you. Can’t you just accept us for who we are, instead of trying to change it?” My voice had become high pitched, and tears formed in my eyes. I didn’t want to be here. I wanted my old Mom back.
I looked over to David to find his eyes filled with tears as well. We clung to each other, weeping. We knew we would still have to face our parents. For the moment, we didn’t really care about anything. Not about being here in a police station surrounded by people, not about the other people at school, not about anything. We didn’t know much at that point. But we knew we loved each other, and that’s all that mattered.
The war on drugs, as we began referring to it as, never really ended. We became very distant from our Mothers, which was fine, we didn’t care about them anymore. We had each other. But if times got rough, we just went to Dad’s to cool down. David took a liking to my quirky father, partly because he never really knew his own father. He’d never had a problem with either of us being gay, which is probably why we liked him more than our Mothers. He moved into directing independent films in the area, which he did well at. We helped out whenever we could. We finished off high school well, after deciding that nobody else around us mattered and we should just do whatever the hell we wanted, regardless of what people thought. Life was good to us, but so long as we had each other, we didn’t care what happened.
A story by Dorian Black
The trouble sprouted the day I was born. Well, sort of. It was really three months ago, late in the summer of 2004. That’s when I realized I was gay, which all good Christians, like me, know is a sin against God. Being one of the youngest members of the church committee makes being gay really hard. Especially when everyone always talks about “saving the poor homosexuals.” It’s disgusting. But they think being gay is disgusting, but worth ranting over. But no matter, I’m pretty good at playing it straight, or so I thought.
David was another member of the church committee, and a cute one at that. He was 6’1”, had sandy blonde hair, and a goatee, so he was absolutely adorable, and seemed the least likely to crucify somebody, so to speak. It was Thursday, and we were in our meeting for what would happen this Sunday. We did our normal prayer, then got down to business. From across the table, David looked at me funny, sort of an “I’m on to you” look. What did he know? What’s going on? I waited for him outside after the meeting ended. About 10 minutes later, he emerged. He looked at me, and said, “Let’s take a walk.”
We silently walked about half a mile. He stopped and looked at me, then asked, “So how long have you been gay?” I was absolutely stunned. My mind started racing. “How did you know?” I asked him, my moth dry. He laughed out loud and said “Sweetheart, you’re really bad at playing it straight. The others can’t tell, but I can.”
“I could’ve sworn I was a convincing straight guy. But if the others can’t, how can you?” He laughed out loud again. He had a very sweet laugh. “Honey, I’m gay too. Didn’t you know that?”
This was too much. I sighed and sat down on the grass nearby. He sat down next to me and said, “So, who all knows?” I thought to myself for a minute. “I think I’ve come out to…two people. My sister and Andrew. Yeah.” He frowned. “Have you thought about how to tell your Mom?” It was common knowledge that my parents divorced due to religious beliefs, my mother being a devout Christian, and my father being a Pagan. This was sort of a dirty little not-so-secret around the community. “Honestly? I have no fucking clue how to tell her. She’ll probably go ballistic and have me locked away in a padded room somewhere. I really, really hate having extremely religious parents.”
“I agree, it does suck. I feel like I’m living a lie. My dad knew, but he didn’t really care much. He kept it from my Mom, bless his soul.”
David’s father had died when he was only five years old. The church had a candlelight vigil for him two weeks after it happened, and my Mom had given his mother $200 dollars to help out. She’s a respectably giving person, but she was never an accepting one. A year ago she barred me from any contact with my oldest friend, who turned out to be a lesbian. She also cut off contact with one of her friends who converted to Judaism.
I lay back on the grass and sighed deeply, letting everything soak into my mind. It was hard to take in the reality of my life taking such a sharp turn. The problem was not keeping it from my mother, but keeping it from everyone else. Word spreads fast in a small town like this, where everyone knew each other. A small secret could be all over town by nightfall, and completely different from the truth. That can mean total devastation for anybody, no matter what.
Feeling sick, I told David I’d see him later and went home. “Hey, wait a minute!” he said. He got up and walked up to me, and kissed me on the cheek. I was stunned by it, but it felt natural as could be. Dazed, I went home.
I breezed passed my mother as I walked in, completely disregarding what he greetings, and went to my room. I’ve never been so afraid to look at someone in my entire life. I put on a Nirvana CD and lay down on my bed, in tears. After about 30 minutes, I heard a knock on the door. “Leave me alone!” I yelled. Sarah barged in anyway, in her signature torn jeans and band tees-shirt, today Norma Jean. “Hey queer little brother, how ya doin’?” She said, with a loving tone.
Sarah was always the black sheep of the family, completely refusing to go to church or be part of any family activities. To this day, Mom always resented the fact that she wouldn’t accept Jesus into her heart. Nevertheless, she respected her decision. She was usually found in her room, loud music blaring, or at some club in Seattle, headbanging to some local band. She was always more accepting of people then Mom, which made her a lot easier to talk to. This is probably why she’d been the only one I’d come out to, unless you count David, who figured it out for himself.
She walked in, took off her headphones, and sat next to me on my bed, humming the song that was playing. “So, want something to take your mind off your new found sexuality?” She said, happily. “Well, not really, but something to do so you don’t have to keep it bottled up inside?” This statement scared the living shit out of me. I was wondering what she was talking about and what exactly she had planned. I nodded, which made her even more excited. “Okay, so, tomorrow night I’m going to take you with me to Seattle to Neumos. And I’m going to dress you up real pretty. Sound good?” Even more frightened, but even more curious, I agreed. She squealed happily and hugged me, then said, “Don’t worry little bro, you’ll thank me for this!” and then left the room. I lie back down and fell asleep.
The next day at school was boring. Math, English, lunch, Shop. Everything was worthless, but at least it was Friday. I went home, and Mom wasn’t home, which was good. I went into my room, to find Sarah already there, zoning out and playing air guitar along with the song "Come As You Are". I noticed she had some clothes lain out on the bed: A Mad Season tee-shirt, a pair of fishnet arm warmers, a spike bracelet, and a plaid skirt, which was the first thing to catch my attention. “Oh no, the other stuff I’m fine with, but there is no way in hell I’m wearing a skirt anywhere. Forget about that sister!” She stopped her air guitar solo to smile at me sweetly. I knew that under all that nail polish and ripped denim, she was a sweet, caring girl. “Honey, this is your first step, letting the old you go. You’ve just gotta roll with it, man! Just enjoy the ride!” she told me, with a very drugged out feeling to it. I sighed and reluctantly got dressed.
Around 7:00, I grabbed all of the clothes that she’d picked out and put it on the towel bar, then showered up. As I was getting dressed, Sarah came in. “Hey, do you mind! I’d like some privacy!” She laughed some more and said, “Don’t worry your pretty little head. I just wanted to tell you I have one more thing I need to do to you before we leave.” Baffled, I finished getting dressed, feeling awkward in a good way. I came out, and she was sitting on my bed again, with some nail polish in front of her. Mortified, I refused. “I’ll go with the skirt, I’ll go with the pink fishnets, but I draw the line at nail polish!”
“Calm down, we’re just going to do them black. It’s not like I’m painting them bright pink or anything.
Around 7:45 we were in the car, traveling down the highway towards Seattle. I loved seeing the city from far away, it looked beautiful all lit up. Half an hour later, we pulled up next to Neumos, which was a well known all ages club where local bands would frequently perform for the young rockers. Tonight, as the marquee pointed out, Presidents of the United States of America was playing, which happened to be one of my favorite bands. “I thought this was the perfect time to give you that birthday present I owed ya. Happy really-fucking-late birthday, bro!” she said, and then gave me a big hug. As we walked in, we were greeted by blasting music by some opening act, which I didn’t recognize. To my surprise, David was there, too. He was dressed just like he usually is, a tee-shirt (tonight a very retro Pulp Fiction shirt) and faded jeans. “Hey Nick!” He said, then gave me a hug. I was still new to all this, it was really going to take some getting use to. After getting beer for everyone (“The perks of a fake I.D.!” Sarah said, happily, sipping her drink), we took our seats as they started playing “Love Everybody.”
We were near the back, so we were closer to the bar. Sarah sat on one side of me with her boyfriend (who we met there), and I sat next to David. Thankfully, Sarah kept getting new bottles of Miller for us. Or, maybe, not so thankfully. I don’t know what happened, maybe the drinks, maybe the druggy atmosphere, but the next thing I knew Sarah was hollering at me. “Nick, c’mon bro, there are children present!” I blinked and realized I was on top of David, but I didn’t remember doing anything. Whatever the case may be, I was certainly over my nervousness.
Tipsy, we all wandered out of the club about two hours later. I blinked as I took in the cold night air. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and swiveled to find David standing there, with a caring look on his face. “Sorry,” I said, trying my best not to look at him. “I dunno what happened there.” He stood on his toes (I’m about two inches taller than him) and kissed me sweetly. “Sweetheart, It’s alright.” He hugged me tight. “I’ll see you at church.”
I mostly stayed in my room Saturday, as I was slightly hung-over, and didn’t want to see anyone. Sunday came quickly, as it does on boring weekends. I met David outside the church, and we sat with each other during the sermon. We sat in a back pew, away from everyone, so we could whisper to each other without being overheard. We sat in silence as Reverend Allen started the sermon. After about five minutes, David was the first to break the silence. “Nick, I just wanted to let you know, I enjoyed last night, even if you didn’t.” A tear formed in my eye, as I realized the magnitude of what was going on. “I did too, but I really don’t know what happened. This is all a big mess.”
“I know it is, I’m sorry. This is partially my fault. I shouldn’t have met you there.” With a laugh, I said “Well, at least I’m over my nervousness around other guys now.” We both spent the last of the sermon giggling, trying to keep quiet, which made several people look back at us angrily.
We wandered around some more after church. We didn’t want to stick around; churchgoers shouldn’t have heard what we would be talking about. So we just decided to walk home. The entire time, we talked about our friends and families, and what would happen if we were ever found out. It was still a lot to take in, But I found the more I learned about David, the more I liked him, it made me feel really connected to him. I started to really care about his plight, how he had an older brother who had killed himself, a father who was killed tragically, and a mother on the brink of madness. My soul ached for him. We shared stories about our lives, about our families, at their best and worst. We laughed a lot, and we cried a lot. It was a deep thing, something neither of us saw coming.
We decided to go over to my house to spend the rest of the day. Mom and Sarah were there when we got there, and when Sarah saw us walk in, she smiled brightly. I could tell she was really happy that I was finally in the right place. But Mom didn’t seem so impressed. She sent David on to wait for me while she talked to me in private. “Nick honey, all this time you’re spending with David all of a sudden…aren’t you worried about what people may think?” I looked at her in utter disbelief that such words had just come out or her mouth. I gave her a dirty “that was really fucked up” look and left without saying a word. I walked in to find David rifling through my CD collection, mumbling to himself. He was so caught up in looking that he didn’t even notice I had come in. When I shut the door, he yelped a little bit in fear. “Holy shit, you coulda said something!” He looked at my angry look, and his expression changed to that of worry. “What? What did your Mom say to you?” I told him what she said, and after I did, his expression changed again, this time to disgust and revulsion. “Excuse me? Are you fucking with me? She actually said that?” I sighed deeply and said, “Yeah, she actually said that. This is going to be a lot harder than I thought.
Monday came. Everyone in school was still buzzing from the weekend, as the reality of being back in school hadn’t sunk in yet. But something set the day apart from any other day. Something in the form of a photograph.
Cindy was the biggest bitch in the school. She was notorious for ruining peoples lives, with no feelings of pity. So, when she walked up to me at lunch that day, wearing an evil grin, I was frightened. She got up real close to my ear and whispered, maniacally, “I know your dirty little secret, Nick. You had better watch yourself.” I laughed a little, in absolute fear, and whispered back, “Cindy, I don’t give a fuck. Do your worst.” She smiled even more. “Fine then. Enjoy the aftermath of your life falling down around you.” She said, and then walked away. I blinked, taking it in. I found David in the crowd and pulled him away from the story he was telling an intently listening group of people.
“Nick, what’s wrong?” I told him what Cindy had said, and what I had said. “Why would you say that? WHY!” He was stunned beyond belief. “Don’t worry, she won’t do anything. I know she has a soul. She wouldn’t do anything like that.
So I was wrong, big surprise. Half an hour later, I walked into Science, and the entire class went dead silent. I took my seat, and as I did, I felt the gaze of 31 different people upon me. I’d never felt so cold. The quiet lifted as whispers started around the room. I heard my name mentioned about five times. One thought went through my mind: We’re fucked.
I walked out of school to find David leaning on a tree, waiting for me, worried. He’d obviously heard the silent uproar that Cindy had caused. We walked awhile, and after we were away from the school, he gave me a big hug and a kiss. “Oh honey, I’m sorry! How could she do that?” I sat down on the grass as tears formed in my eyes. “I don’t know. But I don’t think she said anything about you. Did she talk to you at all?” He thought for a minute and said, “Yeah, she said basically the same thing as she said to you. I told her that even if it were true, nobody would believe it.” He sighed and sat down on the grass next to me, and laid his head on my shoulder. “So what are we going to do?” He asked, his voice trembling a little bit. He was afraid, and I could relate; so was I. We would just have to wait and deny any questions we were asked.
We walked in to find my Mom waiting there for me, a look of mixed rage and sadness in her eyes. I could tell immediately what happened. I told David to wait for me in my room, while I talked to her. He left, and with distinct disgust in her voice, she said, “So, since when have you been gay?” With all the anger I could muster at the time, I told her “Fuck you. I don’t need to deal with you right now. I have bigger problems than you. Good bye.” and then went in to my room.
I walked in and broke the news to him. There was a look of horror on his face that made me feel horrible. We locked ourselves in my bedroom for the next few hours. We mainly sat in silence, tears in our eyes. This was big. Bigger then we should’ve had to deal with. We turned on the radio, and the song "War On Drugs" by Barenaked Ladies song was playing. “Oh the irony. ‘The very fear that makes you wanna die/is just the same that keeps you alive/it’s way more trouble then subtle suicide is worth’. Don’t ya just love crap like that happens?” I lay there for a minute, listening to the last of the song. “Nick?” I snapped back into reality. “Yeah, David?” He stopped for a minute, than said, “I love you.” On the verge of tears again, I said, “I love you too, David.” At this, I started weeping. He climbed up on my bed and held me for a time, both of us in tears. We fell asleep in each other’s arms.
We never left my room. We just decided to stay in there all night, so we wouldn’t have to face my Mom. The next morning, I awoke to a light knocking on my door. I found that I was still in David’s arms, so I gently lay him down (He was beautiful when he was asleep) and went to answer it. “Who is it?” A small voice called back. “It’s Sarah, can I come in?” I reluctantly opened the door so she could come in. I quickly closed the door and locked it, just in case Mom happened to be waiting to sneak in and throw holy water at me. The first thing she did after I locked the door was mess up my hair (more than it already was) and give me a big hug. “Oh Nick, I’m so sorry.” I started to cry again. “I don’t know what’s going to happen now. I just…I feel horrible.”
“I know, Nick, I know.” We just stood there for a few minutes. She suddenly let me go to look at her watch. “Holy shit, you guys need to get going, or you’ll be late.” I got David up, and we left in a hurry, still feeling horrible. We walked in and everyone was looking at us in mixed fear and disgust. Andrew walked up to us and said, “Holy shit, you two look absolutely horrible.”
Andrew had been my friend since we were about six, which made him my oldest friend. He’d stuck through with me, through everything, without flinching. As a matter of fact, he was the first person I’d come out to, to which he replied, “Alright, cool, let’s get some coffee.” He was about 5’5’’, making him shorter than most people at the school, but what he lost in height, he made up for in the ability to make anyone laugh. He was always around for friendly support, and I loved him for that.
“I know we look horrible, we were crying our eyes out all night. What can you expect?” He looked very worried. “How did this happen? Do you know who spread it around?” Angrily, I pointed over at Cindy, who saw me pointed and smiled that evil grin of hers. Andrew’s eyes widened, and he said ‘I’m going to kill her! That fucking bitch!” He started to walk over to her, but I stopped him by grabbing the back of his collar. “Easy there sweetheart, this might be a losing battle for you. Ya don’t know what kind of shit she can dig up on you.” To my surprise, it was David, who I had not heard speak all morning. I figured he had lost his ability to speak sometime along this path. I walked up to him and gave him a kiss. “Thank you, David.” I said, wearily. At this, everything went silent. “Alright folks, there’s nothing to see here, keep on talking!” Andrew yelled. The room began to buzz again.
We all went to class. David and I both had Math together, so we sat in the back and whispered to each other. About an hour in, the loudspeaker came on. “Will you please send David Barish and Nick Miller to the office with their belongings. Thank you!” David and I exchanged worried looks. We grabbed our stuff and walked down the hall, hearts racing. My mother was standing outside, waiting for both of us. “What the fuck do you want now?” I spat at her. With mock sorrow, she said, “I just want to talk, and I figure we need all the time we can get. Get in the car, I’m taking you two out for the day. We walked back inside to discuss it. “Should we? She sounds like she means it.” David said. “No, she doesn’t. Not in this situation. She has other plans.”
“Nick, honey, let’s at least go with her. We’ll be missing school, and we can ditch her if we need to.” I agreed, but we made her agree to take us back if we wanted to. We climbed into the back of the 4Runner, and we set off. “Look, boys, this can’t happen. It’s absolutely unacceptable for you to do this. It’s a sin against God, you both know that….why would you choose to be something so vile?” At this, I opened the door and said that if she said anything like that again, I’d jump out.
We were silent for the rest of the trip. I asked where we were going, but I didn’t get a response, other than “You’ll see….” We soon pulled up to a large brick building. It was unmarked, but it had an old looking entryway. We got out and followed Mom inside. We climbed up until we came to a black door. We looked at each other, and entered. There was a group of people seated in a circle waiting for us. We quickly realized that they were all members of the church, one of whom being David’s mother. “Nick, David…” my mother said as she closed the ominous black door. “We’ve done a lot of collaborating recently…and we’ve decided, this lifestyle you’ve chosen is unacceptable. We come here not as members of the church, but as friends and loved ones. We beg of you, throw away this wretched idea you’ve had, Jesus does not approve of it; you know that.” I turned to look at my mother. She had a plastic smile on her face, but her eyes were cold. I was furious. I found the voice to say “Excuse me? Who are you? I don’t even know you anymore. I’m your son. I’m your own flesh and blood. I cannot believe you are doing this.” Her faux smile faded a little. “Honey!” she put her hand on my cheek. “I only want what’s best for you! I want you to repent your sins. Please, sweetheart.” I hit her arm away from me, and called to David, who was in tears. “David, let’s get the fuck out of here.” With this, he snapped out of it, as we headed towards the door. David turned back to the group. “I just have one thing to say to you. They say that Jesus and mental health are for those who can help themselves. But what good is that when you live in hell on earth? We love each other,” He took my hand and held it up. “Why can’t you just look past all of this blackness?” At this, we turned and left the room to muttering.
We went to the 4Runner to grab our bags, then we went to the nearby curb and hailed a cab. I checked my wallet to find several $20 bills inside; just enough cab fare to get us where we needed to go. A cab pulled up just as our mothers walked outside. “Don’t do this to yourselves!” they yelled to us. We both got in the cab, and I told the cab driver “Oceanview Apartments, please!” and we were off. We traveled through the streets of the city to our final destination. “Nick, where are we going?” I stayed silent until he asked a second time. “You’ll see.” I was silent for a minute, and then something in my mind clicked. I looked at him and said, with a laugh, “It really is a war on drugs, isn’t it? No matter how long we fight this, no matter what we do, we won’t be able to stop it. It’ll just keep coming back at us.”
“Yeah, I suppose that’s a good way of putting it.” He replied, his voice wobbling. We held each other’s hand as we made our way through the city.
We soon pulled up to the Oceanview Apartments building. “Hey, buddy, $37.50!” I turned back to him and handed him two twenty-dollar bills. “Keep the rest” I told him as he started off again. We entered the building, and I took the lead climbing flight after flight. After about twenty flights, we came to T-18. We walked right in to the apartment. My father was standing there, tossing paint at a canvas. He turned around, frightened to find two people wandering in unexpected. “Nolte? What the hell are you doing here?” he asked, positively perplexed.
My father, who was a starving artist, had separated from my mother in the winter of his 35th year. I was about seven at the time, and I couldn’t comprehend why mommy and daddy had to be apart. “Well, sweetie, sometimes things just happen. I’ll explain it to you when you’re older.” She told me. I later found out they had split up because Mom didn’t know Dad was a devout Pagan, which is also a sin (“Devil worship!” she always said), and being with a sinner was a no-no. “Hey, Dad. This is David. Mom’s gone insane.” He sighed deeply. “Yeah, she called and said they were having an intervention for you. And let me guess, you’ve come here with your new guy to hunker down until she’s done with her Jesus-fit, right?” At this point, he was laughing at the mere thought of having an intervention for someone purely because they’re gay, especially their own child. “Yeah, I guess you can stay here, if you don’t mind the smell of paint.” He tossed his brush on the spill canvas and walked up to give me a hug. “So how have you been doing Nolte? I haven’t heard from you in awhile.” We let go of each other and I said “I’ve been great, save for the fact that the entire town is in an uproar and Mom’s gone mad. How’s the painting going?” His face fell a little bit at this question. “Eh, not so good. Nothing’s doing very well. But I may have a potential buyer. After that, I think I may turn to film making, which I know you’ll like.”
“Of course I like that, just promise me I can help with it!”
After dropping off our things, we decided to go wander around the city. First we went into Starbucks to get some coffee (we were both still exhausted from the previous night), and then we were off. We went into god knows how many odd little shops around the area. We decided our time would be better spent causing a commotion at the SAM, so we went in and discussed the art in loud obnoxious voices, simply because we were so bored. It was probably the happiest day of my entire life, only having to worry about running from museum security. I was glad I was finally with someone who really cared. It was probably the happiest day of my entire life.
We decided we needed another cup of coffee before we headed back to Dad’s place. We popped into some murky coffee shop on our way back, one filled with the smoke of incense and reeking of peppermint. In a corner, someone was on the piano playing the song “Mad World” and singing the words. To our immense surprise, we found Sarah sitting inside, pouring the blue contents of a small bottle into her coffee. We decided it would be best to scare her. We slithered up behind her and snatched one of the chopsticks she had in her hair. “Hey!” she shouted, turning around. “Nick? David? What are you two doing here!”
“Well, Mom decided it was in our best interests to have an intervention for us, and we thought it was absolute bullshit, so we decided to call a cab and stay with Dad until she was done with her madness. Why are you here?” Taking back her chopstick and putting it back in her hair, she said, “Well, I’m here for another concert. Care to join me girls?” I looked back at David, who was talking to some guy at another table. “Hey, David!” he snapped back into reality and looked at me. “Want to go to another concert?” He pondered for a minute then said, “Well, depends. Who’s playing?”
“Elefant,” replied Sarah. He thought for another minute and said, “Naah, I could use a shower. Let’s go back to the apartment.”
The city air smelled salty, but with a hint of lavender in the air. We walked hand-in-hand down the sidewalk, anxious to get back to Dad’s and take a well-deserved shower. We finally got to the building, and we found an elevator there, so we took that instead of hiking up 20 floors. As we reached the top, we head an uproar. We exited the elevator to find several policemen talking angrily with my father. “Hey, what the fuck is going on here?” I yelled. “Are you,” one of the officers consulted his memo pad, “David Barish and Nick Miller?” We both exchanged looks of worry and said, “Yes, we are, who wants to know?” The officer looked at us angrily and said, “You two are coming with us.”
We got in the squad cars, completely confused. We muttered to each other the entire way. “It was probably my mom,” I said. “She was ‘worried’ about us and decided to call the cops to come and get us. She’s such a fucking bitch.”
The police station was very dark and cold. We were still wondering exactly why we were here. All we knew was we were both scared. We noticed we were still holding hands, and we hadn’t let go since we were on the street before we’d gone back up. We got to the end of the hallway to find a glass room, where both of our mothers were sitting. They looked up to see us and expressed more mock-joy. This was getting tiresome. “What the hell do you think you’re doing here?” David asked, in a mix of anger and weariness. “Sweetheart, we were worried about you! And you, Nick. You just grabbed your things and left without giving any of us a chance.” This was becoming the worst experience of my entire life. “A chance? Why the fuck should we give you a chance you biased assholes?” This was madder than I’d seen David in the entire time I’d known him. “Y’know, Mom, I’d like to know that to. Why would we give you a chance when you tried to have an intervention for us? That’s pretty messed up!” I yelled. “We went to Dad’s because we’re afraid of what you’re doing! This isn’t right! You’re rejecting us, your children, just because what we feel in our hearts is right is bad to you. Can’t you just accept us for who we are, instead of trying to change it?” My voice had become high pitched, and tears formed in my eyes. I didn’t want to be here. I wanted my old Mom back.
I looked over to David to find his eyes filled with tears as well. We clung to each other, weeping. We knew we would still have to face our parents. For the moment, we didn’t really care about anything. Not about being here in a police station surrounded by people, not about the other people at school, not about anything. We didn’t know much at that point. But we knew we loved each other, and that’s all that mattered.
The war on drugs, as we began referring to it as, never really ended. We became very distant from our Mothers, which was fine, we didn’t care about them anymore. We had each other. But if times got rough, we just went to Dad’s to cool down. David took a liking to my quirky father, partly because he never really knew his own father. He’d never had a problem with either of us being gay, which is probably why we liked him more than our Mothers. He moved into directing independent films in the area, which he did well at. We helped out whenever we could. We finished off high school well, after deciding that nobody else around us mattered and we should just do whatever the hell we wanted, regardless of what people thought. Life was good to us, but so long as we had each other, we didn’t care what happened.