..the closest thing to perfect but the farthest thing from me
I've been getting depressed over nothing again lately. I changed a lot over the past two years; I thought it was for the better, and in some ways it was, but now I realize there were also some bad things about it. There's always something wrong. I'm always changing; this summer I care less...about what people think, about how I look..about everything. I feel dead inside sometimes, and yet sometimes I feel so alive. I feel like I have about 46 different personalities. Maybe everyone feels this way; I don't know. But can you blame me for wanting to be special? During the school year I was so serious; thinking about deeper things like religion, philosophy, and shyt..and then the summer came, and I just switched, went back to how I was last year.. I'd rather have fun with friends now then sit and read about the important stuff. Maybe I just want to act my age for once-- this year I felt so alienated from the rest of my friends, form the rest of my school. I'm ready to just relax and have fun and not care about other things that I used to care about... and it's going pretty well, I suppose..but then this certain person of the opposite sex comes into my life..and it seems so perfect, that we have so much in common..but he has things in common with the me of the school year, not the me of the now. I've always wanted someone I can have deep discussions with, who I know will understand..but now that I have him, I find I don't want him. It always happens like that, doesn't it? You only want something when you don't have it. And yet, I find that I do want it..just not right now. I want it for the me I was during the school year; I wish I could have met him then instead of now. And then I feel stupid and inferior when he tries to talk to me and I don't know what to say-- he tries to talk about stuff that the old me would love to talk about...but this new me is just like the rest of the world and doesn't know what to say and really, doesn't want to talk about it. I don't really want to be in a serious relationship right now; I just want to have fun, and be a kid... I always used to think that I'd only want a serious relationship..that the whole point of dating is to find your true love, so why waste time just fooling around when they could be out there somewhere? But now I see that dating should be fun too.. ::sigh:: Now I don't know what to do.. should I just leave things with this person how they are, and just play along for his sake? Or should I be true to myself and tell him that I don't want a serious relationship now? It seems like it'd be better to tell him, but I hate hurting people like that..and I've kinda led him on. I don't want to be someone he looks back upon and thinks "Wow, she was such a crappy person" or something, you know? But I still want to be his friend I guess..but that's all. I'd rather be a person he can just pour his feelings out on and come to for comfort than have us both do that-- it doesn't matter if I may feel used or not.. I don't really care. Pain is pleasure to me, so it's all good, right? This may be the longest and deepest entry I've written in here for a long time. Sorry guys, I've been using my DeadJournal more. But anyway, feedback is appreciated..just let me know you care. Bye.