In Memory of Iosef
It's been 4 days since I got the phone call, letting me know that you weren't around anymore. Somehow, you just didn't wake up. Exactly 13 days earlier I mourned the two year anniversary of another that never stopped dreaming, while also having the fresh wound of two others; one by choice, the other by an incurable disease. It's not that I've never dealt with death before, I've just never experienced so many different emotions, confusions...forms of sadness.
So instead of allowing another moment of pain, i'm just going to remember and retell the good things...pass along the part of the story that I was lucky enough to be a part of.
It was October, the year I was 15, you were 19. I had just moved to a new strange world, to start over...try to put back together what I had once known as a life. So I joined the community theater, and tried out half way through practices for a role in "Little Shop of Horrors". During one of the first practices my block had, i noticed you sitting with Rochelle...that crazy girl i'd heard had three nipples. To be perfectly honest, at first glance i thought you were weird as hell, and you were so quiet that I was intimadated to approach you. And we stayed at that distance through most of the course of practicing. Then one day, behind stage I smiled at you just out of habit, and for the first time you smiled back. After that we started talking, and i realized how talkative you could be. You were still weird, but it was a cool weirdness, and we were both new to the sleepy, gossipy little town of Murray.
One day you came to meet my mom and take me to practice. She wasn't sure what to think with your frizzy blond hair with black roots. But I'll never forget her saying "I'll give him this much...the boys got eyes".
That's the one thing that always drew me towards you...those baby blue eyes that seemed to stare into my soul, and know me without asking a single question. I'll never be able to forget those eyes; so beautiful with a mixture of sadness and mischief, all in one.
After that, it all went so quickly. Before we knew it we were seeing each other everyday, or calling, or iming. You made me feel both on top of the world, and five minutes later could make my blood boil with irritation. I wanted to get you, to understand the crazy thoughts swirling in your mind, but there was always a barrier against anyone knowing you too well, like you were scared that you'd realize something about yourself you'd forgotten to mention, if someone got too close.
You were the first man to ever kiss me goodnight and then kiss me goodmorning the morning of the Christmas parade at Darren's house. If my mom had found us there she would have killed us both. But I'll never forget lying underneath you on the couch that one night, a few days later, and with a silly, passionate kiss you said "So...are you my girlfriend now or what?" What was I supposed to say to that?! haha. We made plans to give each other the most valued thing we held, something even more precious and terrifying than we had given when sharing our pasts and our fears.
But before we could, all our plans went wrong with one single night, an unlockable door, and a scream. And you had to learn I wasn't able to give what I promised any longer.
We both changed after that, and what we'd planned so beautifully ended, without either of us being able to say goodbye. You were the first man I felt love for, and the first to make me cry.
It was 2 years before I saw you again, and even then for a different reason all together. Both of us had lost our innocence; our simple happinesses. But that same look was in your eyes after you dropped me off that last night, kissed me on the forehead and said to take care of myself, that you'd never forgotten.
Everything's different, even more than before. We lost touch, but I never forgot. I never will, and something in me knows that you didn't either. We were young, and inexperienced, and living like there was no tomorrow...I only wish I wasn't the only one to see it now. I guess I just want to say thank you...for all the happiness, the pain....for emotion. You made me feel again when I didn't think I could, when I thought there was nothing left. You told me I had a future and not to fuck it up. So now I'm gonna do that, even if it's just to prove to use both you were right. My love always, my beautiful Blue Eyes.
So instead of allowing another moment of pain, i'm just going to remember and retell the good things...pass along the part of the story that I was lucky enough to be a part of.
It was October, the year I was 15, you were 19. I had just moved to a new strange world, to start over...try to put back together what I had once known as a life. So I joined the community theater, and tried out half way through practices for a role in "Little Shop of Horrors". During one of the first practices my block had, i noticed you sitting with Rochelle...that crazy girl i'd heard had three nipples. To be perfectly honest, at first glance i thought you were weird as hell, and you were so quiet that I was intimadated to approach you. And we stayed at that distance through most of the course of practicing. Then one day, behind stage I smiled at you just out of habit, and for the first time you smiled back. After that we started talking, and i realized how talkative you could be. You were still weird, but it was a cool weirdness, and we were both new to the sleepy, gossipy little town of Murray.
One day you came to meet my mom and take me to practice. She wasn't sure what to think with your frizzy blond hair with black roots. But I'll never forget her saying "I'll give him this much...the boys got eyes".
That's the one thing that always drew me towards you...those baby blue eyes that seemed to stare into my soul, and know me without asking a single question. I'll never be able to forget those eyes; so beautiful with a mixture of sadness and mischief, all in one.
After that, it all went so quickly. Before we knew it we were seeing each other everyday, or calling, or iming. You made me feel both on top of the world, and five minutes later could make my blood boil with irritation. I wanted to get you, to understand the crazy thoughts swirling in your mind, but there was always a barrier against anyone knowing you too well, like you were scared that you'd realize something about yourself you'd forgotten to mention, if someone got too close.
You were the first man to ever kiss me goodnight and then kiss me goodmorning the morning of the Christmas parade at Darren's house. If my mom had found us there she would have killed us both. But I'll never forget lying underneath you on the couch that one night, a few days later, and with a silly, passionate kiss you said "So...are you my girlfriend now or what?" What was I supposed to say to that?! haha. We made plans to give each other the most valued thing we held, something even more precious and terrifying than we had given when sharing our pasts and our fears.
But before we could, all our plans went wrong with one single night, an unlockable door, and a scream. And you had to learn I wasn't able to give what I promised any longer.
We both changed after that, and what we'd planned so beautifully ended, without either of us being able to say goodbye. You were the first man I felt love for, and the first to make me cry.
It was 2 years before I saw you again, and even then for a different reason all together. Both of us had lost our innocence; our simple happinesses. But that same look was in your eyes after you dropped me off that last night, kissed me on the forehead and said to take care of myself, that you'd never forgotten.
Everything's different, even more than before. We lost touch, but I never forgot. I never will, and something in me knows that you didn't either. We were young, and inexperienced, and living like there was no tomorrow...I only wish I wasn't the only one to see it now. I guess I just want to say thank you...for all the happiness, the pain....for emotion. You made me feel again when I didn't think I could, when I thought there was nothing left. You told me I had a future and not to fuck it up. So now I'm gonna do that, even if it's just to prove to use both you were right. My love always, my beautiful Blue Eyes.