(no subject)
i have the hugest urge to cry.
i'm in a i hate myself mood.
why the fuck do i always act so stupid, i know i'm not stupid. but why does it come so damn naturally for me to act like a compleat fucking retard. i used to be real smart, i used to know everything but now i don't. i don't read anymore, like at all, i suck at anything that has to do with common sense. and i'm so damn lazy. i need to clean my room. i told my mom i would clean my room because she bought me a ton of socks and shit at khols and target, but am i. no, i'm sitting here all emo because i'm fucking retarded. i have it so easy at home, i mean my mom never makes me do anything, besides hang up damn towels and the occasional clean your room, but do i do it...no. i'm to fucking lazy. i don't do anything to help around the house. not a damn thing, and if i do, i get payed, nothing good, like i vaccume and i get like $3. but still it's money. i get $7 for cleaning my room. and even if i have no money at all i still wont do it because i just can't. i have no money. i owe $13.50 for cd's and then $10 for this really pretty bracelet. so that leaves me with about $5. but no. sarah can't help out at all for money. not like there is anything to do to actually get money. i don't get money for allowence because i have a cellphone, but the deal was clean my room once a week and you get $7. but do i clean my room. NO. because i can't get myself to do it. the summer is almost over, a little more then a month left, we got to go to 6 flags, and see about stan driving us to warped <33. oh god, i'd love him forever. that would make my life. as soon as i turn 16 i'm getting my permit, and a job, and i'm going to randomally just go on vacations and do whatever i damn well please because i have a car and money and who ever wants to come with me can. I HATE JOBS! but i'd get one just for the damn need of money. i need to run away, i want to be able to do what i want when i want, i don't want any responsibilities. but i couldn't leave. i could never leave. i want to spend more time with dan, i never spend enough time with dan. i could see him for days stright and never spend enough time with him. but then again i want to spend more time with ewe and sam. but i can't stay away from dan long enough to do that. and they don't understand it. i hate myself!, god, like today, i payed more attention to a bracelet then dan, i didn't even notice it till dan wouldn't talk when i asked him a question. and i know he wasn't that pissed off and he was just playing around but i can't believe i did that. and then i leave ewe and sam waiting for me because i am to lazy to shower and get ready. and then we get dan's skateboard stolen. god i feel SO bad about that. dan skates, and now he doesn't have a board. godddddddd. i feel so bad i don't think he would ever know, like yeah he did leave it there to get stolen but still, now he doesn't even have one. now see, if i had a job i'd buy him one right now. god at times i never want to leave my house again, i want to stay in my room with dan, my whole life, sit on my bed and do nothing, or even without dan. i just want my life to be nonexistant to everyone else, i'm a waste of time. i don't see what everyone see's in me and why they still stick around me. i mean, ewe and sam, i mean i've been around forever you just grow on them. but i don't see why dan loves me.
don't mind this entry i'm just in a "it's all your fault i hate myself mood".
i'm in a i hate myself mood.
why the fuck do i always act so stupid, i know i'm not stupid. but why does it come so damn naturally for me to act like a compleat fucking retard. i used to be real smart, i used to know everything but now i don't. i don't read anymore, like at all, i suck at anything that has to do with common sense. and i'm so damn lazy. i need to clean my room. i told my mom i would clean my room because she bought me a ton of socks and shit at khols and target, but am i. no, i'm sitting here all emo because i'm fucking retarded. i have it so easy at home, i mean my mom never makes me do anything, besides hang up damn towels and the occasional clean your room, but do i do it...no. i'm to fucking lazy. i don't do anything to help around the house. not a damn thing, and if i do, i get payed, nothing good, like i vaccume and i get like $3. but still it's money. i get $7 for cleaning my room. and even if i have no money at all i still wont do it because i just can't. i have no money. i owe $13.50 for cd's and then $10 for this really pretty bracelet. so that leaves me with about $5. but no. sarah can't help out at all for money. not like there is anything to do to actually get money. i don't get money for allowence because i have a cellphone, but the deal was clean my room once a week and you get $7. but do i clean my room. NO. because i can't get myself to do it. the summer is almost over, a little more then a month left, we got to go to 6 flags, and see about stan driving us to warped <33. oh god, i'd love him forever. that would make my life. as soon as i turn 16 i'm getting my permit, and a job, and i'm going to randomally just go on vacations and do whatever i damn well please because i have a car and money and who ever wants to come with me can. I HATE JOBS! but i'd get one just for the damn need of money. i need to run away, i want to be able to do what i want when i want, i don't want any responsibilities. but i couldn't leave. i could never leave. i want to spend more time with dan, i never spend enough time with dan. i could see him for days stright and never spend enough time with him. but then again i want to spend more time with ewe and sam. but i can't stay away from dan long enough to do that. and they don't understand it. i hate myself!, god, like today, i payed more attention to a bracelet then dan, i didn't even notice it till dan wouldn't talk when i asked him a question. and i know he wasn't that pissed off and he was just playing around but i can't believe i did that. and then i leave ewe and sam waiting for me because i am to lazy to shower and get ready. and then we get dan's skateboard stolen. god i feel SO bad about that. dan skates, and now he doesn't have a board. godddddddd. i feel so bad i don't think he would ever know, like yeah he did leave it there to get stolen but still, now he doesn't even have one. now see, if i had a job i'd buy him one right now. god at times i never want to leave my house again, i want to stay in my room with dan, my whole life, sit on my bed and do nothing, or even without dan. i just want my life to be nonexistant to everyone else, i'm a waste of time. i don't see what everyone see's in me and why they still stick around me. i mean, ewe and sam, i mean i've been around forever you just grow on them. but i don't see why dan loves me.
don't mind this entry i'm just in a "it's all your fault i hate myself mood".