Light my spliffs & bring me books
I got up far too early this morning and my brain was not in place. Another symptom of the increasing disassociation I feel towards the entire world. Having a loose grip on reality enables you to comprehend and accept novel ideas faster, but it also means I forget, or just have no idea, where other people stand in line to 'reality'. Reality is a shared delusion, anyhow, but people buy into one version of it, over and over again until they believe it, and everybody around them believes it, and we're all expected to buy into that because it's weird or abnormal when we don't.
Yeah, well I think you're weird and abnormal.
Apparently I'm 'different' but I'm having trouble understanding what that even means lately. I am the same as every other tumbling weed down this highway, trying to find my way and understand the world.
I touch solid objects and accept their existence, because it's easier than not, but what are we in the world? What impact, what matter do we make? We are, we are other people; manically drawing on our canvas eyes so they can see us. Nobody wants their each and every atom to be seen, we conceal as much as we reveal, so are we ever linked, bonded, joined with anyone, truly? Do we need to be? I feel unconnected, adrift, lost among my 'friends', among my enemies, among the people with whom I am surrounded daily. They think and speak towards me and I ignore them and turn to the written word where concept is constrained by ink to find freedom in my mind, but I ignore the wind words spoken towards me unless I judge them worthy of my attention. Pre-judge them, I ignore before I have heard.
I am trying to connect with people, more now than I have ever tried to before. In the trying, I am feeling frustrated. Am I charting my course? How do you know when you are becoming more connected with people & shouldn't that happen naturally? But now I am left with close friends whose opinions and theories I do not agree with, close friends who I cannot debate with. They don't argue with me, just agree or ignore. I want engagement, I want debate; passionate, heated. I want to be inspired. I find this on the internet, in blogs mostly. OPINIONS and THOUGHTS and research and fact.
My brain feels loose inside my head. Other people seem like machines, built to respond rather than innovate. We know people through words and thoughts and action, but but but...I want to know & be known & I am not.
xx