Love and the small things
This reminds me of lessons learned from one of my previous relationships. I was living in Redford with a couple of roommates and she was living in Ann Arbor with her daughter. She worked a normal 8-5 gig and I was working as a server at the time. So not only did our schedules cause hardships in the relationship but so did the distance between us and our living situations. But we both chose to sally forth with what our feelings were telling us was a good thing. We dated for awhile, then became exclusive and verbally expressed our love for one another. Things sailed along as new relationships are want to do and things were good. Imagine my surprise when one day she said to me that I needed to do more things to show her how I felt about her. My response was something along the lines of "Like What?!?!? Besides always being the one to drive to you, agreeing to do things I simply had 0 interest in doing and always being the one sacrificing sleep to make sure that we got time together? Her response went something like "Well you could make sure that you didn't plan anything else during the weekends, you could bring me flowers and chocolate for no reason. I just don't get enough time with you, I need more. So we went back and forth multiple times over the next few months with pretty much the same arguments happening over and over. Both of us ticking off our list of things we've done until it came to a head and the relationship ended.
Now some may think that I was in the wrong, some may think that she was in the wrong. Truthfully, that's just a matter of perspective. The fact is that we BOTH were wrong. Both of us did things for the other but all along we were tallying up the balance sheet and from time to time. Comparing and contrasting the things that we felt should show just how much we loved the other and noting the deficiencies that each of us thought the other was displaying. What both of us failed to realize at the time is that it's not what you do but the manner in which you do it that shows love. Sure buying expensive things, going to extravagant measures or making sacrifices can be an expression of how much you care for someone. And there is nothing inherently wrong with that, the shortcoming is when you tally those things and expect some sort of compensation or reciprocation based on how you feel you've proven that you love someone. It's a sure fire way to create resentment towards each other, because we never percieve things exactly as someone else does. This can be applied to every interpersonal relationship we have. As well as applied to other aspects of our life as noted below.
Now I'm not trying to say that you should let people walk all over you or take advantage of your generosity, kindness or to disrespect you, nothing of the sort. But at some point you have to let go of expectations based solely on what you want and realize that each person expresses things differently. And most of all realize that loving means just that. That each and every person you encounter deserves the basic respect and love of existence. Yes, even the annoyingly stupid. ;-)
Below was lovingly ganked from *Lightworkers*
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The Small Things
by Sonia Choquette, PhD
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As we awaken to love, we sometimes feel we must now perform extraordinary acts to prove to others and ourselves that we are indeed, loving. Unfortunately, even the best intentions can go awry because mundane life doesn't always appreciate them. Besides, needing to be extraordinary in any way is still your ego talking and not your heart. It is much more useful to forget about extraordinary gestures of love and simply love extraordinarily in the daily gestures of life. When serving breakfast to your kids, for example, be a little more patient and smile instead of tossing their cereal in front of them with a sharp "Hurry up or you'll be late!" When you open the morning paper, ask your spouse, "What section would you like to read first this morning?" and then hand it over. In other words, every ordinary moment throughout the day affords you an opportunity to be loving. It isn't so much what you do that demonstrates love, as it is the way in which you do it.
When I was a teen-ager I often called my father late in the evening to come and get me because I didn't have a car. He showed up every time, and more importantly he came lovingly. He never made me feel guilty or even made a big deal about it. He just quietly showed up. His acts of love were founded in his consistency. I had the benefit of knowing I could count on him, which laid a foundation of security under my feet. My mother had her own way of turning the small matters of life into opportunities to love as well. Whenever I needed a costume, a dress or something special to wear, my mother would stop everything and get to work. Not only did she sew for me, she did it with enthusiasm! The best way to usher love into your life is to do what you must, but do it lovingly. And if you must do something that you don't want to, use it as an opportunity to practice love.
When I first became a flight attendant, I found that I wasn't particularly good at it, because I didn't like to serve people over and over again. In fact I resented this which made my job unbearable. I called my teacher Charlie one day and said; "I hate this job. I am destined to be greater than this!" He laughed at me and asked, "Greater than what?"
"Greater than serving coffee, tea and bad food all day to cranky passengers. I want to be an intuitive and a healer, not a flight attendant!"
Charlie was silent for a moment, and then he said, "Until you serve everyone you encounter with love in your heart, you are not worthy or capable of helping anyone. Every passenger on board is your teacher. You are arrogant in distancing yourself from them. Each one of those passengers holds the spirit of God within them, and until you see that, you don't see anything that would qualify you as an intuitive or a healer. Now go back to work and quit your complaining. Be grateful to those passengers. The more unpleasant they are the more they are helping you learn to love!"
That was a slap in the face for me. And yet he was right. I had a bad attitude, and it was making me and everyone I was in contact with, miserable. I decided that day to change my attitude and do my job with love. Overnight the job transformed. I began to enjoy the people and have more fun. I even got better trips, which was a miracle because my job was seniority-based and I was near the bottom of that totem pole. The real surprise came when I was asked to do the first class service from Chicago to London every weekend for a year. This was like getting a paid vacation once a week; it was probably one of the best times in my life. When I did my work with love, no matter what work it was, life became a joy.
This is the secret then to opening your heart. In the generous decision to surrender your ego and participate fully in your life, without withholding, without separating yourself, without needing to be special, without wanting something special in return, life bursts wide open and brings you every possible gift you can imagine and more. Life lived lovingly restores balance and attracts grace. And it's easy, once you decide that you want this in your life. Mother Theresa summed it up best when she said, "I do not do great things. I only do small things with great love."
Edit: Mother Teresa also said: "It is not how much you do, but how much Love you put into the doing that matters."
___________________________________
soniachoquette.com
___________________________________
lightworkers.org
Now some may think that I was in the wrong, some may think that she was in the wrong. Truthfully, that's just a matter of perspective. The fact is that we BOTH were wrong. Both of us did things for the other but all along we were tallying up the balance sheet and from time to time. Comparing and contrasting the things that we felt should show just how much we loved the other and noting the deficiencies that each of us thought the other was displaying. What both of us failed to realize at the time is that it's not what you do but the manner in which you do it that shows love. Sure buying expensive things, going to extravagant measures or making sacrifices can be an expression of how much you care for someone. And there is nothing inherently wrong with that, the shortcoming is when you tally those things and expect some sort of compensation or reciprocation based on how you feel you've proven that you love someone. It's a sure fire way to create resentment towards each other, because we never percieve things exactly as someone else does. This can be applied to every interpersonal relationship we have. As well as applied to other aspects of our life as noted below.
Now I'm not trying to say that you should let people walk all over you or take advantage of your generosity, kindness or to disrespect you, nothing of the sort. But at some point you have to let go of expectations based solely on what you want and realize that each person expresses things differently. And most of all realize that loving means just that. That each and every person you encounter deserves the basic respect and love of existence. Yes, even the annoyingly stupid. ;-)
Below was lovingly ganked from *Lightworkers*
___________________________________
The Small Things
by Sonia Choquette, PhD
___________________________________
As we awaken to love, we sometimes feel we must now perform extraordinary acts to prove to others and ourselves that we are indeed, loving. Unfortunately, even the best intentions can go awry because mundane life doesn't always appreciate them. Besides, needing to be extraordinary in any way is still your ego talking and not your heart. It is much more useful to forget about extraordinary gestures of love and simply love extraordinarily in the daily gestures of life. When serving breakfast to your kids, for example, be a little more patient and smile instead of tossing their cereal in front of them with a sharp "Hurry up or you'll be late!" When you open the morning paper, ask your spouse, "What section would you like to read first this morning?" and then hand it over. In other words, every ordinary moment throughout the day affords you an opportunity to be loving. It isn't so much what you do that demonstrates love, as it is the way in which you do it.
When I was a teen-ager I often called my father late in the evening to come and get me because I didn't have a car. He showed up every time, and more importantly he came lovingly. He never made me feel guilty or even made a big deal about it. He just quietly showed up. His acts of love were founded in his consistency. I had the benefit of knowing I could count on him, which laid a foundation of security under my feet. My mother had her own way of turning the small matters of life into opportunities to love as well. Whenever I needed a costume, a dress or something special to wear, my mother would stop everything and get to work. Not only did she sew for me, she did it with enthusiasm! The best way to usher love into your life is to do what you must, but do it lovingly. And if you must do something that you don't want to, use it as an opportunity to practice love.
When I first became a flight attendant, I found that I wasn't particularly good at it, because I didn't like to serve people over and over again. In fact I resented this which made my job unbearable. I called my teacher Charlie one day and said; "I hate this job. I am destined to be greater than this!" He laughed at me and asked, "Greater than what?"
"Greater than serving coffee, tea and bad food all day to cranky passengers. I want to be an intuitive and a healer, not a flight attendant!"
Charlie was silent for a moment, and then he said, "Until you serve everyone you encounter with love in your heart, you are not worthy or capable of helping anyone. Every passenger on board is your teacher. You are arrogant in distancing yourself from them. Each one of those passengers holds the spirit of God within them, and until you see that, you don't see anything that would qualify you as an intuitive or a healer. Now go back to work and quit your complaining. Be grateful to those passengers. The more unpleasant they are the more they are helping you learn to love!"
That was a slap in the face for me. And yet he was right. I had a bad attitude, and it was making me and everyone I was in contact with, miserable. I decided that day to change my attitude and do my job with love. Overnight the job transformed. I began to enjoy the people and have more fun. I even got better trips, which was a miracle because my job was seniority-based and I was near the bottom of that totem pole. The real surprise came when I was asked to do the first class service from Chicago to London every weekend for a year. This was like getting a paid vacation once a week; it was probably one of the best times in my life. When I did my work with love, no matter what work it was, life became a joy.
This is the secret then to opening your heart. In the generous decision to surrender your ego and participate fully in your life, without withholding, without separating yourself, without needing to be special, without wanting something special in return, life bursts wide open and brings you every possible gift you can imagine and more. Life lived lovingly restores balance and attracts grace. And it's easy, once you decide that you want this in your life. Mother Theresa summed it up best when she said, "I do not do great things. I only do small things with great love."
Edit: Mother Teresa also said: "It is not how much you do, but how much Love you put into the doing that matters."
___________________________________
soniachoquette.com
___________________________________
lightworkers.org