(no subject)
Well here I am again, quitting smoking. It seems a little harder this time than the last time, as the cravings are more often and more intense. This time it's definitely mind over matter though. I said I wouldn't smoke past the age of 30, and damnit, I won't. I'm trying to avoid triggers right now, like coffee and my back porch. Ugh. Went to a party last night though and totally pulled it off.
My daughter got contacts yesterday. It's weird watching her go back and forth. Glasses make your face change so much, and it was weird adapting to her little girl face suddenly having glasses every day. Now it's weird going back. She's so pretty though, and I'm glad her huge green eyes are once again visible to the world :)
Um, me and that guy I was seeing for a few months called it quits last week. Or slowed down, but it feels like quits. I honestly thought I was done doing all that, you know, the shit that I do, but it appears having an open relationship doesn't protect people outside that relationship from my fickle heart. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. How do you maintain a great relationship for months on end, with not one blip, then one day you look at that person and see them as a good friend but not much else? I don't understand myself, and I'm back to that same thing I've felt for years, where I'm afraid to date anyone because I know in the end I will hurt them. I could literally repost the same journal entry from last year when Eric and I broke up.
My only saving grace is Luke, knowing he and I have maintained so strongly for quite a while now. He's my only proof that I don't have something really fucked up with me, or some inability to maintain close, intimate relationships. Anyway, I feel like shit about it. I know we'll be "friends" again. . I was just. . .really optimistic and hopeful of where our relationship would go.
I'm also feeling strangely displaced lately. I think I have too much time on my hands. I think Luke and I together have too much free time. I never thought I'd say this, but waking up in the morning with nothing to do is kinda getting old. I'm so fucking grateful we don't have to go to work (what is that??, who can NOT work?), but I think it's put us in too close of quarters for too long. We're not even bitching at each other or anything. . .just kinda. . . blah. God. I'm rereading this and I sound like such a spoiled brat. I'm gonna stop now.
In other news, he finally bought a motorcycle. I'm simultaneously thrilled for him, and scared for him. He was born to ride a bike, and his overall being is just. . .complete. . .when he has one, so for that I am grateful and so happy to see him happy. I'm also worried about him riding, cuz he's a madman. I don't know. In many ways he's a professional, so I know he won't overdo it, and I think this bike is too heavy to do wheelies on the freeway with, so that stress is gone. I just don't like having to think of losing the most important person in me and Audrey's life.
Anyway. Update complete :) Hope you're all well.
My daughter got contacts yesterday. It's weird watching her go back and forth. Glasses make your face change so much, and it was weird adapting to her little girl face suddenly having glasses every day. Now it's weird going back. She's so pretty though, and I'm glad her huge green eyes are once again visible to the world :)
Um, me and that guy I was seeing for a few months called it quits last week. Or slowed down, but it feels like quits. I honestly thought I was done doing all that, you know, the shit that I do, but it appears having an open relationship doesn't protect people outside that relationship from my fickle heart. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. How do you maintain a great relationship for months on end, with not one blip, then one day you look at that person and see them as a good friend but not much else? I don't understand myself, and I'm back to that same thing I've felt for years, where I'm afraid to date anyone because I know in the end I will hurt them. I could literally repost the same journal entry from last year when Eric and I broke up.
My only saving grace is Luke, knowing he and I have maintained so strongly for quite a while now. He's my only proof that I don't have something really fucked up with me, or some inability to maintain close, intimate relationships. Anyway, I feel like shit about it. I know we'll be "friends" again. . I was just. . .really optimistic and hopeful of where our relationship would go.
I'm also feeling strangely displaced lately. I think I have too much time on my hands. I think Luke and I together have too much free time. I never thought I'd say this, but waking up in the morning with nothing to do is kinda getting old. I'm so fucking grateful we don't have to go to work (what is that??, who can NOT work?), but I think it's put us in too close of quarters for too long. We're not even bitching at each other or anything. . .just kinda. . . blah. God. I'm rereading this and I sound like such a spoiled brat. I'm gonna stop now.
In other news, he finally bought a motorcycle. I'm simultaneously thrilled for him, and scared for him. He was born to ride a bike, and his overall being is just. . .complete. . .when he has one, so for that I am grateful and so happy to see him happy. I'm also worried about him riding, cuz he's a madman. I don't know. In many ways he's a professional, so I know he won't overdo it, and I think this bike is too heavy to do wheelies on the freeway with, so that stress is gone. I just don't like having to think of losing the most important person in me and Audrey's life.
Anyway. Update complete :) Hope you're all well.