Rack
Bonsoir mon amies! With my joblessness extending seemingly forever into the abyss of the future, I have decided to update my lj. I was a lot more consistent with my older lj, but unfortunately I am a procrastinating demon. I am going to be working on my geocites web site, hopefully I'll be able to put most of my pics plus a small movie on there. I have really got to start update my lj more often! bad me bad me. My new medications and therapy is working so well, that I am going on a road trip tomorrow! I am so excited. I am going to see Ministry in Jacksonville! My therapist told me to treat myself once I feel like I am getting over this anxiety hump. I have been wanting to see Ministry for the last two years and now I will finally be able to! What really has helped me with my anxiety is this, if I am going to die, at least I won't feel anxious anymore. It was getting to the point where I feared death less than anxiety. There was always this fear that I would go so insane no one would ever love me, and this irrational fear has run my life for the last 5 years. Well with this reality therapy, it has really opened my eyes to the absurdity of my disorder. I see the thoughts that are conjured up and now I can see some of them are just plain ridiculous. I was told that there is really no such thing as an anxiety disorder, it is just a symptom of obsessive-compulsive disorder. The anxiety comes when you obsess over irrational thoughts and then act compulsively to avoid the anxiety. Sometimes I will be in super Walmart and I think I am going to fall down and then float to the ceiling. This thought terrifies the hell out of me and then I begin to not be able to feel my feet because my adrenalin is kicked-up, I start to become thick-tongued and have difficulty talking. I feel as if I am losing control of my body. It is really scary. But instead of thinking this thought, I'll tell who ever is with me that I am afraid I will fall down and float away. Once the absurdity of this statement is acknowledged my someone else as absurd, it no longer bothers me. I know this sounds weird, but it has been working wonders for me. That and my trusty zoloft/xanax combination. The idea of being in a car for hours would terrify me before and I would begin to obsess and try to prepare myself mentally to be in a car for hours, but when I tell somebody that and they point out that I am obsessing, I know longer want to think about it, therefore it lowers my anxiety. Well I am not writing this out of pure narcissism (well okay maybe a little :p). I am writing in case someone who also has this disorder stumbles across my journal and they will know that he/she is not alone. Because that is the worst feeling in the world is to have all these feelings and think that no one can possibly know what you are going through. It makes you feel so alone and alienated. I hope everyone is doing wonderfully! Be good and wish me luck!