Stone
I sit slumped on the couch.
Wearing my "stone face" so he can't read my emotions. This face is easy for me now, I've worn it through so many things during my life.
My arms are crossed over my chest to shield off his hurtful words.
I stare in front of me, gazing at the blank TV screen. I can see his reflection in it. Which is good, I can watch him but don't have to make eye contact.
He has been moving around the living room for the past couple of hours throwing is arms about in gestures talking to me.
Talking isn't really the word, it's pretty much a one way conversation except for my limited answers to his questions: yes, no, maybe. These answers get him annoyed, but what am I suppose to say? If I say any more I'll get into trouble with my mother.
He asks me a question, which pretty much sums up all the "problems" we're talking about. I hold my breathe, sit there, and let the minutes roll by. (The answer to this question could be my savior or my down fall.) If I don't answer it might go away, I think. So I wait till it goes away, but it doesn't. So I quietly say no and lie.
He continues at a loss, confused, annoyed, but not daunted. He will continue and he will conquer!
Something he says hits and I have to close my eyes to make sure the tears won't come. I get pulled into a dream I use to have as a child, I had it every night for years.
* I stand in a dark factory with huge wheels slowing turning and crushing machines. As I am contemplating a way out, my parents appear and each grab one of my arms. They start screaming at each other and both try to pull me in opposite directs. I start to scream and cry in pain but they don't notice. In a minute I will split in two, but right before I do I get caught in between to machines coming together. So instead of my parents ripping me apart, I get crushed . . . screaming. *
I haven't thought of that dream in years until today.
When my self conscious picks his voice up again he is still going(like the Energizer Bunny), now onto his favorite topic: Bashing my Mother. I sit there with my stone face and stare into the blank TV hoping it will be over soon. Telling myself that I deserve it.
Wearing my "stone face" so he can't read my emotions. This face is easy for me now, I've worn it through so many things during my life.
My arms are crossed over my chest to shield off his hurtful words.
I stare in front of me, gazing at the blank TV screen. I can see his reflection in it. Which is good, I can watch him but don't have to make eye contact.
He has been moving around the living room for the past couple of hours throwing is arms about in gestures talking to me.
Talking isn't really the word, it's pretty much a one way conversation except for my limited answers to his questions: yes, no, maybe. These answers get him annoyed, but what am I suppose to say? If I say any more I'll get into trouble with my mother.
He asks me a question, which pretty much sums up all the "problems" we're talking about. I hold my breathe, sit there, and let the minutes roll by. (The answer to this question could be my savior or my down fall.) If I don't answer it might go away, I think. So I wait till it goes away, but it doesn't. So I quietly say no and lie.
He continues at a loss, confused, annoyed, but not daunted. He will continue and he will conquer!
Something he says hits and I have to close my eyes to make sure the tears won't come. I get pulled into a dream I use to have as a child, I had it every night for years.
* I stand in a dark factory with huge wheels slowing turning and crushing machines. As I am contemplating a way out, my parents appear and each grab one of my arms. They start screaming at each other and both try to pull me in opposite directs. I start to scream and cry in pain but they don't notice. In a minute I will split in two, but right before I do I get caught in between to machines coming together. So instead of my parents ripping me apart, I get crushed . . . screaming. *
I haven't thought of that dream in years until today.
When my self conscious picks his voice up again he is still going(like the Energizer Bunny), now onto his favorite topic: Bashing my Mother. I sit there with my stone face and stare into the blank TV hoping it will be over soon. Telling myself that I deserve it.