ha.. recent thoughts on a spotted mind, college series: part 1
i didnt want to put this on my qtwildcat2 livejournal. i dont think everyone needs to read everything i think.
i think when we were in high school i used to think that people who went off to college and went crazy were weak. they lacked faith. they werent strong enough in christ, or something like that.
now that im here, i could never think that. those who keep the faith compeletely must be so renewed in christ that it is unexplainable. none of this is in refrence to you by the way, this is all in terms of my life experiences. i wonder if it is just as hard for a person that goes to ASU or CGCC and sticks around here. maybe, but i know john roberts says he is struggling too, but i dont think it is nearly as bad. i think the fact that i left my friends, my family, my church, my home, and everything i knew helped in my current struggling situation.
i know i have made bad decisions since i left. duh. but i so wish that i hadnt, or that i wouldnt. who knows, maybe i am weak. maybe i dont have enough faith. maybe... maybe i just am a failure for christ. these are the things i think.
i used to think that people who went crazy when they got to college were horrible. that they must not know what they are doing or something. hell yes. i have no fucking clue what the hell i am doing. i dont know where i am going. all i know is that every move i make, every thing i seem to do to make it better, none of it ever seems to help and my mirky hole keeps getting deeper and deeper the longer i am stuck here. i know that i have to ask christ to pull me out and he does, then immediately after i go and dig another damn hole. why?!?
i thought matt picon was crazy. going bi and whatever else he did. no. going crazy in college is the only possible sanity that there is. i am the crazy one here for trying so god damn hard not to loose my faith. for working and pushing and crying so hard so that i dont drown in this hell that is college. is it fun? at times, yes. but the reason that i am suffering, the reason that you say i hate it here is because i have built my life over the past 5 years to strive against all the thigns that now encompass me. sex, drugs, alcohal, sin! these are the extremes but trust me, i can name a lot more. lust, jealousy, hate, backstabbing, hurt, pain, desire, menice all of these things are just fules to the overwhlming fire that is the sin that surrounds me.
going off made me realize what a horrible state this place is in. not just college, but the world. god put it in my heart almost two years ago that he wanted me to go into missions and maybe this is the first step. first he had to show me what a horrible mess everything really is in. Stevie, i am not judging you, i honestly could care less what things you are doing wrong, save for the fact that i love you and i dont want you to get hurt, or feel pain or anything like that. no. these are things that i am thinking for myself, myself and no one else.
sometimes i think that people should warn you what college is really like. that is is painful and people can hurt you a lot more and cut a lot deeper than they used to. that the decisions you make now effect the rest of your whole life and so there is the ovewhelming pressure to do something, but with all that pressure comes the need to release and the way everyone releases here is to do things that i dont agree with. people change from high school to college too. they tell you that but they dont tell you why, or how. why do we change? because if you plan on not dying in college you have to grow up and grow up fast. you have to do all the things your parents used to do for you so if you werent that independant then its going to be a hell of a lot harder for you. we change because suddenly there are no rules. none. suddenly you crave for a cerfew, you want a bedtime, you want someone to tell you not to go places, becuase if they tell you then its a hell of a lot easier than if you try and make rules for yourself. we change because suddenly we are thrown into a place where no one gives a flying fuck about you. where they want your money and your brain and everything else is just fluff. if your brain fails, or money runs out, then tough luck and life sucks for you. we change because we need to stay alive. we change for survival. and there is no part of you that wants to do it, there is no part of you that is really happy to need to change in order not to drown here. and how do we change? i dont really know that one yet. by letting the abnormal become normal i suppose. by doing what we need to do to stay alive. i never realized what people go though, what extremes can be taken in order to ensure ones own survival, and the survival of those that they love. And sometimes i think i should warn people going into college about all this. but when i think that i should tell the people that i know that will be graduating this spring all of these things, i stop and concieder that maybe its one of those life experiences that you will never understand until you get there. like love, people can write poetry about it and describe it to you and show you, but until you feel it, you just dont understand. college, people can describe it to you, but until you get there, you will never understand.
if this world is always so complicated and so dark it is no wonder to me that people die for their faith. i always thought i would, i mean, if it ever came down to it. but seeing the horrers that this place really is made me realize that i cant wait to leave. can you just imagine it? imagine heaven? i wish i could imagine it more clearly.
like i said before. going crazy in college is the only sane thing to do. sometimes i just wish i werent so nuts.
i think when we were in high school i used to think that people who went off to college and went crazy were weak. they lacked faith. they werent strong enough in christ, or something like that.
now that im here, i could never think that. those who keep the faith compeletely must be so renewed in christ that it is unexplainable. none of this is in refrence to you by the way, this is all in terms of my life experiences. i wonder if it is just as hard for a person that goes to ASU or CGCC and sticks around here. maybe, but i know john roberts says he is struggling too, but i dont think it is nearly as bad. i think the fact that i left my friends, my family, my church, my home, and everything i knew helped in my current struggling situation.
i know i have made bad decisions since i left. duh. but i so wish that i hadnt, or that i wouldnt. who knows, maybe i am weak. maybe i dont have enough faith. maybe... maybe i just am a failure for christ. these are the things i think.
i used to think that people who went crazy when they got to college were horrible. that they must not know what they are doing or something. hell yes. i have no fucking clue what the hell i am doing. i dont know where i am going. all i know is that every move i make, every thing i seem to do to make it better, none of it ever seems to help and my mirky hole keeps getting deeper and deeper the longer i am stuck here. i know that i have to ask christ to pull me out and he does, then immediately after i go and dig another damn hole. why?!?
i thought matt picon was crazy. going bi and whatever else he did. no. going crazy in college is the only possible sanity that there is. i am the crazy one here for trying so god damn hard not to loose my faith. for working and pushing and crying so hard so that i dont drown in this hell that is college. is it fun? at times, yes. but the reason that i am suffering, the reason that you say i hate it here is because i have built my life over the past 5 years to strive against all the thigns that now encompass me. sex, drugs, alcohal, sin! these are the extremes but trust me, i can name a lot more. lust, jealousy, hate, backstabbing, hurt, pain, desire, menice all of these things are just fules to the overwhlming fire that is the sin that surrounds me.
going off made me realize what a horrible state this place is in. not just college, but the world. god put it in my heart almost two years ago that he wanted me to go into missions and maybe this is the first step. first he had to show me what a horrible mess everything really is in. Stevie, i am not judging you, i honestly could care less what things you are doing wrong, save for the fact that i love you and i dont want you to get hurt, or feel pain or anything like that. no. these are things that i am thinking for myself, myself and no one else.
sometimes i think that people should warn you what college is really like. that is is painful and people can hurt you a lot more and cut a lot deeper than they used to. that the decisions you make now effect the rest of your whole life and so there is the ovewhelming pressure to do something, but with all that pressure comes the need to release and the way everyone releases here is to do things that i dont agree with. people change from high school to college too. they tell you that but they dont tell you why, or how. why do we change? because if you plan on not dying in college you have to grow up and grow up fast. you have to do all the things your parents used to do for you so if you werent that independant then its going to be a hell of a lot harder for you. we change because suddenly there are no rules. none. suddenly you crave for a cerfew, you want a bedtime, you want someone to tell you not to go places, becuase if they tell you then its a hell of a lot easier than if you try and make rules for yourself. we change because suddenly we are thrown into a place where no one gives a flying fuck about you. where they want your money and your brain and everything else is just fluff. if your brain fails, or money runs out, then tough luck and life sucks for you. we change because we need to stay alive. we change for survival. and there is no part of you that wants to do it, there is no part of you that is really happy to need to change in order not to drown here. and how do we change? i dont really know that one yet. by letting the abnormal become normal i suppose. by doing what we need to do to stay alive. i never realized what people go though, what extremes can be taken in order to ensure ones own survival, and the survival of those that they love. And sometimes i think i should warn people going into college about all this. but when i think that i should tell the people that i know that will be graduating this spring all of these things, i stop and concieder that maybe its one of those life experiences that you will never understand until you get there. like love, people can write poetry about it and describe it to you and show you, but until you feel it, you just dont understand. college, people can describe it to you, but until you get there, you will never understand.
if this world is always so complicated and so dark it is no wonder to me that people die for their faith. i always thought i would, i mean, if it ever came down to it. but seeing the horrers that this place really is made me realize that i cant wait to leave. can you just imagine it? imagine heaven? i wish i could imagine it more clearly.
like i said before. going crazy in college is the only sane thing to do. sometimes i just wish i werent so nuts.