A light in the dark... a spark...camenaecamenaeJune 12 2007, 09:57:30 UTC
One of my best friends (Martine) was adopted, she turned out just fine. Ed and I have been considering adopting, no rush we figure, but since I've lost 3 babies already, if the next time doesn't go through, I feel like for my own sanity, it would be better to find a baby who needs a home, than go through 4 , 5 or even 6 more while trying to carry to term, some women with what I have go through 7 or more before finally having live births work out, the weight of that seems just too much to bear, and unfair, to all the others who don't make it you know... We are trying right now to conceive again, so far, no baby yet, but I am more realistic this time, and not getting overly hopeful - will happen if it's ment too.
anyway, I cried a bit when reading your post, we've known each other so long, I've seen you at some high points, and some lows, but you really aren't the monster you make yourself out to be, we all make mistakes, and are all just human, as pro-choice as I am, I still favour life when possible, and I'm proud you made such a hard decision, maybe we could talk sometime if you'd like -sends big hugs- and yeah, you and Jim both got kinda extreme parents, I am curious - why does the child need a christian home? from what I've seen, that makes about as much difference as preference in music or food (i.e. no difference) not many people out there actually follow the religions they claim, some put on a pretty good charade though.
I have a 10 year old stepson, and my husband and I decided to take him out of catholic school, he loves public school a thousands times over what his private school offered, we also told him, he is welcome to go to any church in town, any time he wants, and he told us maybe when he's older, right now - he just wants to have fun and not worry about sin, heaven, hell, all that jazz -shrugs- I've been happily agnostic my entire life, been to some great churches in my time, met great people, just never had a real click with any specific set of guidelines, I just try to do what's right, and do as little harm as possible.
So yeah, if you have an email address, I'd be happy to send my phone number, just remember, you will get through this, there are Angels for sure, of all sorts, around us, and it does sound like you found one, I hope more love&light comes into your life, and just because you weren't ment to be a stay at home mom, doesn't make you a bad person, you seem very self-aware, most people don't have a clue about themselves. I don't see any shame to be had - and I've always liked how honest you are, even when it's painful, you say what a lot of people would fear to type, be proud of that. Of yourself, in the end, it really is all you have yourself,well that and your friends/lovers and if you are happy with you, then the rest of life gets easier too, forget about the people whos harsh and often hypocritical judgements hurt you and pull you into depression, and associate with only those who lift you up - they are out there, closer than you might think even.
My thoughts are with you, and my offer of help stands - I can't really do much in the way of cleaning because of my sucky health, but there might be other things you need help with... even if it's just support, I'm here.
Re: A light in the dark... a spark...blackangeltearJune 12 2007, 23:05:00 UTC
It is SOOOO good to hear from you. I've lost all of your contact info and most people's because I have had several different cell phones over the years. The pre-paid route is utterly ridiculous and a waste because for every dial-up, whether or not the person picks up, you lose a minute. Time is money, too. So, for now I will just have to be satisfied with my home phone. No voice mail or answering machine, so I suggest e-mailing your number to me.
My e-address is nitemystryss@yahoo.com. Don't be discouraged if it takes me a while to call because I never know when I'll be near a computer.
I am sorry about your loss. Life seems odd that way. I bet if I were trying to conceive I couldn't. I need to apply that to my theory on romantic love and maybe then a possible mate would drift into my life. I REALLY want a lasting marriage b/c there have been so many divorces in my dad's family(i.e. my parent's nasty split) and it set everything off balance. At least for an extended amount of time.
I just wish I could find a go-to guy, even if we never married. I mean, like in these instances where I've gotten pregnant and not been in love with the sperm donor...lol! This guy that is my baby's dad can't really stand children. I would get my tubes tied but I really want to leave that open because one day I might meet someone that loves me, we feel the same way about each other, and it would be nice to finally make a child in love.
As for Jim and I-yes... our family is pretty shut-off, close-minded, and backwoods compared to the rest of the world. I don't have anything to do with them. I will say this, tho: Jim's mom is tame in her opinions on God and such, especially when you stick her beside my mother. At least Pam will listen. I just TRY to skirt those topics, yet they usually seem to always come up...I really don't know how I feel. Most of the time; nothing.
Your reply has been really encouraging and uplifting...I hope to speak soon in person...get together for coffee. You can give me the lowdown on your health...some advice on how to spot losery men..whatever...I seem to be naive when it comes to men...people in general. Granted, it has taken me years to finally admit that.
anyway, I cried a bit when reading your post, we've known each other so long, I've seen you at some high points, and some lows, but you really aren't the monster you make yourself out to be, we all make mistakes, and are all just human, as pro-choice as I am, I still favour life when possible, and I'm proud you made such a hard decision, maybe we could talk sometime if you'd like -sends big hugs- and
yeah, you and Jim both got kinda extreme parents, I am curious - why does the child need a christian home? from what I've seen, that makes about as much difference as preference in music or food (i.e. no difference) not many people out there actually follow the religions they claim, some put on a pretty good charade though.
I have a 10 year old stepson, and my husband and I decided to take him out of catholic school, he loves public school a thousands times over what his private school offered, we also told him, he is welcome to go to any church in town, any time he wants, and he told us maybe when he's older, right now - he just wants to have fun and not worry about sin, heaven, hell, all that jazz -shrugs- I've been happily agnostic my entire life, been to some great churches in my time, met great people, just never had a real click with any specific set of guidelines, I just try to do what's right, and do as little harm as possible.
So yeah, if you have an email address, I'd be happy to send my phone number, just remember, you will get through this, there are Angels for sure, of all sorts, around us, and it does sound like you found one, I hope more love&light comes into your life, and just because you weren't ment to be a stay at home mom, doesn't make you a bad person, you seem very self-aware, most people don't have a clue about themselves. I don't see any shame to be had - and I've always liked how honest you are, even when it's painful, you say what a lot of people would fear to type, be proud of that. Of yourself, in the end, it really is all you have yourself,well that and your friends/lovers and if you are happy with you, then the rest of life gets easier too, forget about the people whos harsh and often hypocritical judgements hurt you and pull you into depression, and associate with only those who lift you up - they are out there, closer than you might think even.
My thoughts are with you, and my offer of help stands - I can't really do much in the way of cleaning because of my sucky health, but there might be other things you need help with... even if it's just support, I'm here.
Love,
Melly
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My e-address is nitemystryss@yahoo.com. Don't be discouraged if it takes me a while to call because I never know when I'll be near a computer.
I am sorry about your loss. Life seems odd that way. I bet if I were trying to conceive I couldn't. I need to apply that to my theory on romantic love and maybe then a possible mate would drift into my life. I REALLY want a lasting marriage b/c there have been so many divorces in my dad's family(i.e. my parent's nasty split) and it set everything off balance. At least for an extended amount of time.
I just wish I could find a go-to guy, even if we never married. I mean, like in these instances where I've gotten pregnant and not been in love with the sperm donor...lol! This guy that is my baby's dad can't really stand children. I would get my tubes tied but I really want to leave that open because one day I might meet someone that loves me, we feel the same way about each other, and it would be nice to finally make a child in love.
As for Jim and I-yes... our family is pretty shut-off, close-minded, and backwoods compared to the rest of the world. I don't have anything to do with them. I will say this, tho: Jim's mom is tame in her opinions on God and such, especially when you stick her beside my mother. At least Pam will listen. I just TRY to skirt those topics, yet they usually seem to always come up...I really don't know how I feel. Most of the time; nothing.
Your reply has been really encouraging and uplifting...I hope to speak soon in person...get together for coffee. You can give me the lowdown on your health...some advice on how to spot losery men..whatever...I seem to be naive when it comes to men...people in general. Granted, it has taken me years to finally admit that.
Must go. TTYS.
~S~
P.S.Love the 'do.
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