Revelation
I’ve discovered the root of my problem. For the past five years I’ve been feeling trapped, suppressed and uncomfortable with who I am. This morning I figured out the reason for this.
Being a Taurus, it’s natural for me to resist change. However, I’ve taken this one step further and have been unconsciously resisting the change within myself. The kind of change that comes with growth. I just can’t believe it’s taken me this long to figure out.
I want to be free to be me, to be content with who I am. To be wild. To be passionate. However, the reason that I have refused to do this, is because I’m afraid of what others will think of me. What if they reject me? What if they want nothing to do with me?
Can you believe it? I’m afraid to be myself. How cliché.
Subconsciously I’ve been pushing people away under the belief that I want to protect myself from being hurt, and feeling loss. But in doing so, I’ve been playing directly into my fears without even realizing it.
Upon learning what I have, I’ve also learnt what my biggest fear is. It’s being left behind. That fear has bled into my love life, which is the reason I’ve been single for those same five years. It’s also the reason that I haven’t let others get too close to me. I’ve also discovered that this has stemmed from my parents divorce when I was a child, a little over 11 years ago now.
Isn’t it amazing that this many years down the road, I’m still feeling the repercussions of it.
I feel relieved now that I know that the problem that I’ve been having is. For so long I’ve wanted to scream, cry, burst. Basically, I’ve wanted to break free.
People change. That’s a fact. I on the other hand, have stayed the same. People move on, and experience new and wonderful things. Lives change, while I’m still in the same place that I was all those years ago. This has inevitably left me behind, bringing my fears into reality. Knowing this scares me. Yet at the same time, I want to fight it.
It saddens me when I think to myself “Why couldn’t I have learnt this earlier?” I could have saved myself so much grief, if only I’d come to realize this two, three years ago.
Alas, you can’t change the past. But you can change the future. Maybe knowing this now will save me some hardships when I’m older. Things could have been much worse if I hadn’t learnt this till I was in my mid twenties. I’m eighteen now, and I’m glad that I’ve come so such a large revelation. Maybe in doing so, I’ve managed to save myself.
While writing this I’ve also thought of a solution to the problem. While I’m afraid of becoming myself, I’m excited at the same time. What I plan to do is place everything that needs to change inside a box. Whether it be an object, or a piece of paper with my thoughts on it… it doesn’t matter. I’ll put all of these things into a box and put it away. Possibly even seal it. This way, I’m not completely tossing away all that I am. The box will represent what I’m doing. Putting all of the old away, while making room for the new.
It will also be a reminder, to not let this happen again.
Being a Taurus, it’s natural for me to resist change. However, I’ve taken this one step further and have been unconsciously resisting the change within myself. The kind of change that comes with growth. I just can’t believe it’s taken me this long to figure out.
I want to be free to be me, to be content with who I am. To be wild. To be passionate. However, the reason that I have refused to do this, is because I’m afraid of what others will think of me. What if they reject me? What if they want nothing to do with me?
Can you believe it? I’m afraid to be myself. How cliché.
Subconsciously I’ve been pushing people away under the belief that I want to protect myself from being hurt, and feeling loss. But in doing so, I’ve been playing directly into my fears without even realizing it.
Upon learning what I have, I’ve also learnt what my biggest fear is. It’s being left behind. That fear has bled into my love life, which is the reason I’ve been single for those same five years. It’s also the reason that I haven’t let others get too close to me. I’ve also discovered that this has stemmed from my parents divorce when I was a child, a little over 11 years ago now.
Isn’t it amazing that this many years down the road, I’m still feeling the repercussions of it.
I feel relieved now that I know that the problem that I’ve been having is. For so long I’ve wanted to scream, cry, burst. Basically, I’ve wanted to break free.
People change. That’s a fact. I on the other hand, have stayed the same. People move on, and experience new and wonderful things. Lives change, while I’m still in the same place that I was all those years ago. This has inevitably left me behind, bringing my fears into reality. Knowing this scares me. Yet at the same time, I want to fight it.
It saddens me when I think to myself “Why couldn’t I have learnt this earlier?” I could have saved myself so much grief, if only I’d come to realize this two, three years ago.
Alas, you can’t change the past. But you can change the future. Maybe knowing this now will save me some hardships when I’m older. Things could have been much worse if I hadn’t learnt this till I was in my mid twenties. I’m eighteen now, and I’m glad that I’ve come so such a large revelation. Maybe in doing so, I’ve managed to save myself.
While writing this I’ve also thought of a solution to the problem. While I’m afraid of becoming myself, I’m excited at the same time. What I plan to do is place everything that needs to change inside a box. Whether it be an object, or a piece of paper with my thoughts on it… it doesn’t matter. I’ll put all of these things into a box and put it away. Possibly even seal it. This way, I’m not completely tossing away all that I am. The box will represent what I’m doing. Putting all of the old away, while making room for the new.
It will also be a reminder, to not let this happen again.