[Oneshot]Finding The Right Thing, HyukSu
Title : Finding The Right Thing
Author : freedomthisway
Rating : Hard R
Character/Pairing : Eunhyuk, Junsu, Kibum, Siwon, Donghae, Kangin/HyukSu (main), KiHyuk, SiHyuk, HyukHae, and KangHyuk. <0_o>
Word Count : 9850 words more or less
Genre : oneshot/angst, angst, angst/Highschool AU
Summary : "Hyuk, stop it." Junsu says as he is sliding his body aside, distancing himself from Hyukjae’s reach.
Author’s note : This fic is written for runawayxxlovee’s Prompt Fic Challenge: HyukSu’s prompt. But I’m kinda failed because you can still see my KangHyuk biased in it. xDD
And this fic is voted as most well written for Hyuksu's prompt challenge. Yay~! *hugs Nhi*
It’s supposed to be a short oneshot, but this stupid plot bunny won’t stop jumping inside my head and so I got too carried away. And in one point, I almost made this story into a sad ending angst; just to fucking get over with it easily.
But hey, I’m maybe a bitch, but I hold tight to my principle to never, ever, make a sad ending fic.
Hope you guys like it :)
Water is running, mercilessly poured on Hyukjae’s white skin. He is scrubbing and scrubbing, desperately, until his skin red and raw.
But it won’t come off. He still feels dirty.
His eyes flick upon a smear of white cum on the wet wall and he bites his lips hard as he wipes it with his both hands angrily. His legs feel rubbery from the force of his orgasm and he is just fucking tired.
He holds back a sob threatening to come out of his sore throat and gives up, reaching for the towel and puts it on around his slim waist.
The feel of cold silk sheet on his naked back as he lies down on the big bed in his room is not enough to cool off this heat inside him. And he closed his eyes tightly.
There’s nothing else he can do in times like these but escapes to world of dark dreams and illusions.
It’s not more peaceful there, but at least he won’t feel the pain when he presses the sharp ends of that small knife hidden safely inside his drawer into his wrist.
It’s a dream after all.
---oo0oo---
He wakes up from the nightmare, shaking hard.
Picking himself off his bed, he makes his way to the guest bedroom, feeling safer there than in his big empty room.
He crawls onto the bed and throws the covers over his head, trapping himself in a blanket of dark. He curls up, pulling his legs to his chest and wrapping his arms around them as he hugs himself close.
Not wanting to exist, he hugs tighter and tighter, trying to become as small as possible, desperately hoping to disappear completely.
Junsu…. Again and again he whispers the name, understands fully that it doesn’t help with anything but doesn’t have the power to fight the needs to feel the name rolling on his tongue no matter what.
Lee Hyukjae, age sixteen, creates an awkward tangle of limbs, skinny arms, and not-quite-long-enough legs as he hides from the monsters haunting him in his head.
---oo0oo---
“Hyukjae, will you stop playing with your food?”
He looks up blankly at the annoyed tone heard from his mother’s lips. He glances to her left and he can see his father, giving him disapproval stare so familiar that he wonders if that’s just how his father looks at people.
But he has attended hundreds of his family parties and his father smiled all the time there.
He guesses it’s just him then, and lifts his silver spoon into his mouth.
“Tomorrow is your first day of school after long break, isn’t it?” His father says, casually. But he knows better.
“Yes, father.”
“I expect you to study hard this semester, Lee Hyukjae. You seemed distracted before and I’m not pleased when I saw you’ve been dropped two levels from your school’s rank list in the previous semester.”
He can guess what his father’s next words exactly and he almost giggles as he remembered how he used to lip-sync his father secretly.
“I’m so disappointed in you.” His father says it and it is funny how he said it in exact words and exact cold and distant tone Hyukjae has had in mind.
He holds the urge to roll his eyes. He is not a child anymore, after all. Things in his life won’t be this complicated if he’s merely a child.
So he just nods, fingers wrapped up tightly around the fork in his left hand. “I’m sorry, father. I’ll try to be better next time.”
---oo0oo---
“Yah, Lee Hyukjae!”
Hyukjae doesn’t have to turn to know whose voice it is and unconsciously his back goes rigid as a long arm embraces his shoulders. Xiah Junsu’s face comes to his view, full of grins.
He grins back at him, only for a second. It’s hard to smile longer when your face muscles won’t listen to you.
“You, jerk. I’d been trying to call you these past few weeks of summer holiday but I could never get a hold of you. What’s with you?” This time a frown formed on Junsu’s forehead.
“Nothing.” Hyukjae speeds his steps, hoping Junsu can’t catch up and the warmth on his shoulders will come off.
The arm does come off. But Junsu catches him up. Junsu always does, he should’ve known.
“Nothing, my ass.” Junsu says, breathing hard as he jogs alongside him. “Hyuk, you’ve been weird lately. Is there something wrong?”
Before Hyukjae can say something, a squeal is heard and he can hear Junsu’s Oof! as a girl, showing out of nowhere, suddenly glomp him.
“Oppa~!” The girl squeals again and Hyukjae can see Junsu’s eyes brightened as he recognizes her.
“Taeyeonnie, why are you here?” Junsu asks her, taking her hand with smiles on his lips.
“Oppa, you’re so mean.” Taeyeon pouts. “I’ve told you last night on the phone to walk to school together today, but you left me behind.”
Hyukjae can see Junsu reaching forward to slip a strand of her hair behind her ear as he is giving her his reason. “I’ve sent you messages this morning, told you I have something to talk to Hyukjae here, haven’t I? Besides, our school isn’t that far, I figured I’ll see you on the way anyway.”
“Still,” Taeyeon insists, eyes flicking for a moment to Hyukjae’s standing figure beside Junsu. “You make me stand here waiting for you when you know perfectly that that all-boys school of yours makes me nervous. So now I am angry at you and you have to walk me to my school gate. Then I’ll forgive you.”
Junsu glances at Hyukjae, apology evident in his eyes.
Dance practice as usual after school today?, Junsu mouths the question soundlessly.
And he smiles as Hyukjae nods once, before turning back to Taeyeon. “Okay, fine. I’ll walk you there. Let’s just hope I won’t be late for doing this.” And they both left, hand in hand, Junsu’s laughing to something Taeyeon said is echoing on the air.
Hyukjae relaxes his fists because it is starting to hurt, before turning back and continues his walking towards the already near school gate.
---oo0oo---
The music blares loudly from the player on the corner of the room, sending beats and strings of rhythmic melodies as Hyukjae and Junsu does the last part of the dance they are practicing today.
It’s long after school and sounds of students bustling and buzzing outside are nearly gone.
They both end it with a thump, before falling boneless on the floor side by side, sweats soaking their shirts as they try hard to catch their breath.
“Damn,” Junsu mutters. “Now that’s what I call a piece of art.”
Hyukjae grinning beside him, agreeing without words at what Junsu had said. And for long minutes, they just lay there, arms touching, and Hyukjae closes his eyes.
It’s almost like old times.
“I have a date with Taeyeon after this.” Junsu says after a while, turning his head to Hyukjae. “We’ll hit the new bowling arena everybody is talking about. Wanna join us?”
Almost.
Hyukjae’s grin disappears from his face as he opens his eyes.
Slowly, very slowly, he turns to his side and lifts himself up on his left elbow, facing Junsu. His heart is beating wildly as he leans forward and kisses Junsu, ignoring Junsu’s surprised groan.
Junsu’s lips feel so fucking good and familiar and the sensation makes him feels heady. Junsu’s at first unresponsive lips is finally starts to move along under his and Hyukjae can hear his moan somewhere inside his throat. His hand moves to touch Junsu, slipping inside Junsu’s sweat-soaked shirt to map his well-built torso.
Hyukjae can feel it: the familiar heat.
And it’s so damn exhilarating that it takes a while for him to realize that Junsu is struggling to remove himself off of Hyukjae’s exploring hands. Hyukjae’s body mindlessly follow along forward as Junsu’s lips suddenly gone, hoping he can touch him again, anything to satisfy this heat flaring inside him.
“Hyuk, stop it.” Junsu says as he is sliding his body aside, distancing himself from Hyukjae’s reach.
But Hyukjae just won’t listen and he can hear Junsu’s curse as he is making a fast move to stand up.
“Damn it, Lee Hyukjae. Stop it.” Junsu hisses and takes a few steps back farther.
And somehow, that avoiding gesture Junsu made stops Hyukjae. Trembling, he lifts himself up to sit. He can hear the room is filled with the sound of their breath racing.
Hyukjae looks up to see Junsu stares at him with pain in his eyes and he looks away, down to watch the pattern-less rug beneath instead. Its texture is rough as he fists his hand around it hard.
“This…. We’ve promised to stop doing this, Hyuk.” Junsu’s voice wavers slightly and Hyukjae is so tempted to cover his ears with his hand.
But he doesn’t because it’s useless.
“It’s just not right.” Junsu whispers and after a while he walks away, find his way to the door.
The sound of the door closed echoes in the room.
Hyukjae snorts after a second.
Not right, he said? And he laughs. Because fuck if that thing happened for a moment back there isn’t the most right thing he has ever felt for a long time.
Suddenly he can feel himself filled with so much anger that it makes him gritting his teeth. He stands up in one swift move and walks towards the pile of his and Junsu’s bag. He kicks away Junsu’s backpack lying on top of the pile before bending down to fetch his and slings it behind his shoulder.
Maybe what Junsu had said is true. Maybe he just has to find the right thing.
---oo0oo---
The first time Junsu leaned close towards Hyukjae, touched his cheeks and kissed him, they both were fifteen and it was starting to get cold in Junsu’s room. H.O.T’s Happiness was still playing on Junsu’s old CD player and the sun was just setting, creating shades of orange and grey on the wall.
Hyukjae never asked why and Junsu never explained. In fact, it only takes the sound of his name on Junsu’s lips and Hyukjae had let himself to be laid down on Junsu’s messy single bed.
They’d been friends for like, forever. And they’ve been spending time together so much that when their friendly hugs became something else; their gazes towards each other became much more meaningful; and the dizzying heat they started to feel every time their knees touched as they were playing X-Box side by side in Hyukjae’s room: those kinds of things were accepted as something natural by both of them.
“It’s okay, Hyuk.” Junsu had then whispered in his ear. And Hyukjae had to try hard to suppress his moan as the tug of Junsu’s fingers on his swelling cock made his body jolt in pleasure.
“It’s okay, I got you.” Junsu’s breath was warm in his ear and he shuddered as he came.
When finally one day Junsu entered him, whispering strings of reassuring words into his ear as a single tear flowed on his cheeks onto the bed; Hyukjae believes that it was just how things should be. And he held on to Junsu for dear life as he was moving inside, realizing fully that this was actually what he’d been waiting for.
This: was amazing. And for the whole year after, ‘amazing’ was Hyukjae’s favorite word to describe his life.
So no one could ever understand how Hyukjae’s life had crumbled down when one day Junsu, sitting on his bed watching him struggling with his homework, said casually that he had had a girlfriend for almost a week.
It was absurd, that thing Junsu had said to him.
Hyukjae didn’t get it because it was just four days ago when he fucked Hyukjae senseless somewhere inside the school’s warehouse, whispering how beautiful Hyukjae was and how happy he felt when he is with him.
Was that all lies?
Hyukjae put down the pen he was holding and slowly turned towards the bed, only to see Junsu watching him, carefully, emotion swirling in his eyes.
“I think we should stop this, Hyuk.”
At that time, Hyukjae just kept staring at him, unable to find the right words to say, and Junsu looked away after a moment.
“I’m really sorry.” He said in a hoarse voice. “But you’ve got to understand, it’s just wrong for both of us to keep doing that.”
Hyukjae remembered the helpless feeling he felt. At the end all he could do was just nodded numbly at Junsu’s words, trying to keep his emotions invincible.
It earned him Junsu’s smile but both of them can sense regret and something else radiating from Junsu’s sitting figure on the bed and it filled the air around them until finally Junsu flopped down on Hyukjae’s bed, telling Hyukjae to wake him up if he had done with his homework.
Turning back at his suddenly blurring view of his page of book, Hyukjae couldn’t erase the thought that maybe the wrongness of this whole thing was laid on him.
---oo0oo---
His name is Kim Kibum. And he’s Hyukjae’s junior.
He meets Kibum often in the library, and he always sits on the same chair there, with piles of books on the table in front of him.
The day Kibum found him; Hyukjae was curling on the floor, his back stuck to the wooden bookshelf in the alley of rarely visited politics section, trying to shut the world from his mind so he could escape to the dream world where Junsu would be there.
“What are you doing down there?” Kibum had asked him.
Hyukjae opened one of his eyes only to close it again after some seconds. “I’m sleeping.” He muttered drowsily. And he could hear short ‘Oh’ coming out of Kibum’s mouth followed by silence.
And Hyukjae didn’t know how many minutes or hours had passed but when he opened his eyes again; Kibum was still there, sitting on the floor. A book Hyukjae bet was one of the crappy political books was opened on his hand and the kid was damn reading it seriously.
Hyukjae was watching him, didn’t move from his spot, and it took several minutes for Kibum to realize his stare. Kind eyes beneath glasses turned to look at him.
“My house isn’t far from here. You can sleep better there.” The younger man said after a while and Hyukjae smiled.
---oo0oo---
Kibum enjoys listening because he’s not that articulate when it comes to making decent conversation. He reads books partly because he likes the rough feel of the papers on his fingers. He had wanted to go to art school but his mom had wanted him to be something more promising so she submitted his application to this prestigious all-boys school in town instead and that was how Kibum ended up here.
All of it, along with other tidbits of information on Kibum’s personal life, is mostly Hyukjae got as they both were lying on Kibum’s bed, playing a short game of Q&A with Hyukjae’s head on Kibum’s arm, his fingers roaming Kibum’s flat stomach. Just like this afternoon.
Hyukjae frowns as he sees his fingers sinking a bit in the softness of Kibum’s stomach and he can’t help but remember how hard and firm Junsu’s stomach is under his exploring hands.
But then the memory of that day when Junsu made steps back away from him snaps something inside and he sinks his face into Kibum’s neck to stop an angry growl threatening to come out.
Sneakily, he slips one hand under the sheets and touches Kibum, feels an empty satisfaction when he hears Kibum groaning under his breath.
He rises up slowly, still can feel the slick wetness left inside him after their last round, and crawls on top of the younger man. Swiftly, he reaches behind to guide the hardness of Kibum’s cock into himself, eyes never leaves Kibum’s and then he bends down to whisper in his ear.
“How’s it, Kibummie? Am I better than a girl?”
But as usual, Kibum doesn’t answer. He just looks at him with glazed eyes until Hyukjae starts moving.
Hyukjae can see the younger man’s effort to not make a sound, despite his hands grabbing the sheet tighter as he slams himself down on him over and over again, and suddenly Hyukjae feels so bored that his own cock is slowly softened.
It’s just how Kibum is, he knows.
And it’s not Kibum’s fault that Hyukjae has been so used to a husky voice whispering sweet words over and over again into his ear (God, Hyuk. You’re so fucking beautiful).
Hyukjae leaves Kibum’s place at night and never returns to the library anymore.
---oo0oo---
Hyukjae is sitting alone in one of the corners in school’s cafeteria, concentrating on stabbing some potatoes into mashes on his plate, when a deep voice calling his name.
He looks up, and the first thing he sees is dimples. Big dimples and smiles so bright he feels his mouth twitching.
“Lee Hyukjae?” The guy asks and smiles even more when Hyukjae nods dumbly. He raises his hands, offering a warm shake as he introduces himself. “My name is Choi Siwon. Can I sit here?”
Hyukjae nods again, is still somewhat awed by this guy. Looking closely, this guy is even more strikingly handsome.
Oh, yeah. Hyukjae knows this Choi Siwon.
Who doesn’t? He’s a popular school’s activist after all.
Friendly towards all, they say. And Hyukjae could always have a glimpse of him here and there around the school, busy doing something for someone at all times. The goodness of his brain matches his looks perfectly and all teachers love him while almost all girls in their sister school next door are claiming themselves as his fans.
Choi Siwon was only a step away to be elected as the school president but the day before the winner was announced, he resigned. Rumors says that the reason behind that shocking decision of his was because he prefers to do something useful freely and he doesn’t want the title, with all obligations and boundaries attached to it, to limit himself.
A model student, that’s what Choi Siwon is. And Hyukjae wonders what makes this model student approach him in the first place.
“Hyukjae-sshi,” Siwon says after taking his seat in front of Hyukjae, gaze all serious. “I need your help.”
---oo0oo---
Apparently Choi Siwon is currently being involved in a social project. A big one, he says.
Hyukjae doesn’t understand half of the words he is saying (it has something to do with making an effort in creating better life for neglected children-whatever), but he gets Siwon’s point anyway.
It involves request of fund-donation for Hyukjae’s filthy-rich father and Siwon’s plead for Hyukjae’s help on making a perfect proposal to his father to make sure it is working.
It isn’t the first time of this kind in Hyukjae’s case.
The wealth of Lee family is never a secret, and usually Hyukjae wouldn’t even bother to listen to details of proposals handed to him. He simply took them home and wrote a decent amount of money on the check on his father’s behalf without him knowing before giving it back the next day, along with the proposals. And he would always leave before they even had chance to thank him because it was not a big deal.
It’s only one of his ways to make sure his father’s money can be useful once in a while.
But today, Hyukjae’s mood is in its worst. So he figures Siwon’s company won’t hurt and it’s been too long anyway since the last time he asked for something in return after helping someone.
Later in Hyukjae’s room, Siwon is telling him a not-so-funny joke yet he laughs anyway because it makes him remember how good it feels to have someone to talk to.
---oo0oo---
Thirty minutes later and Hyukjae finds himself on his back on the bed, Siwon’s body on top of him as their lips and tongues mingling.
Maybe it’s the loneliness.
Maybe it’s the way Siwon looked at him, eyes glazed with fondness.
Or maybe it’s simply because he kind of hates this Choi Siwon.
Yeah, well, it’s nothing, really.
The guy’s just so pure and kind and innocent that it disgustingly reminds him of his old self, before he tasted the warmth in Junsu’s touch and got himself addicted to it.
He had been fucked up, and somehow he wants Siwon to be fucked up, too.
Call it jealousy or insanity, but Hyukjae has always wanted to see how he himself had fallen; only this time it is going to be replayed from different point of view.
So maybe that’s why, in a spur of moment, he has decided to sit closer to Siwon, eyes glazed with wants and fingers caressing gently. The first touch of his lips on Siwon’s has been testing, coaxing.
Predictably, Shiwon’s eyes get bigger and one of his hands rose quickly, pushing on Hyukjae’s chest.
No, he says.
But Hyukjae is nothing but perseveres and he pushes Siwon’s repeated pleas into the back of his mind as he continues darting his tongue along Siwon’s bottom lip.
It took longer than he expected. For a moment Hyukjae thought Siwon’s resistance won’t meet its end. Frustrated, Hyukjae reaches up to sink his fingers wildly in the softness of Siwon’s hair and attacks Siwon with deeper kisses this time.
After a while, Hyukjae smirks because he can finally feel Siwon’s shuddering and surrender to his whims.
Siwon’s breath is ragged and his hands seem like they can’t get enough. He groans, loudly, as Hyukjae slips his hand down between their pressing bodies to fumble with their zippers.
Siwon suddenly replaces Hyukjae’s hand with his own and Hyukjae can only bask in that victory for a moment, before sinking his head deeper down on the bed, a moan escapes his lips because Siwon’s finger is hot and his cock is even hotter as he rubs it on Hyukjae’s in desperate moves.
But after, feeling the stickiness of their cums smeared all over his stomach, Hyukjae can see Siwon’s eyes shut close tightly. His body is rigid and his breath is heavy.
Suddenly, it makes Hyukjae want to cry.
It’s like watching bad remake of old movies, because what he had with Junsu is totally different from this.
His first time with Junsu was so painfully sweet it took his breath away. They were moving slowly, gently, and Junsu kissed away Hyukjae’s tears in the aftermath glow. That time, Hyukjae couldn’t have felt happier.
But this time was happened too fast, too tense, too hollow, and the whole moment felt so cheap Hyukjae can’t help but wanting to throw up now.
Hyukjae doesn’t move as Siwon lifts himself up off him. When he sees the look of despair in Siwon’s finally opened eyes, his stomach constricted even more, only this time with guilt.
Hyukjae looks down on the bedside --where Siwon’s trembling figure is struggling to zip up his pants-- and raises a finger, trying to touch his back with useless apology stuck on the tip of his tongue. But Siwon flinches violently at the first touch and jerks himself up to stand.
Siwon’s eyes are wild, and he is looking at anywhere but Hyukjae as he stammers, “I have to go.”
Long after Siwon left, Hyukjae is still laying there, fingers clutching the bed sheet tightly and tears are flowing over his cheeks. He just can’t bring himself enough to care that he is bawling like a baby.
---oo0oo---
It’s very early in the morning so nobody sees as Hyukjae slips a check into Choi Siwon’s locker.
A letter he had written for Siwon before is torn and crumpled inside the garbage can nearby. It should’ve been slipped in along with the check, but Hyukjae finally realizes that he, of all people, should’ve known better.
Forgiveness doesn’t exist in this kind of thing.
---oo0oo---
Hyukjae opens the door to his room, throwing his bag onto the bed and removes his shoes one by one.
He walks towards the bathroom, pushing play button of the message-recorder on his phone as he passes before starting to unbutton his shirt.
The machine beeps once and the sound of his own voice is filling the air, cracking a bit due to the static.
Lee Hyukjae’s here. I am not home yet, so just leave a message after the beeps and I’ll call you back. But don’t count on it if you’re Junsu.
The sound of himself cackling is heard from the machine and Hyukjae flinches. He makes a note inside his head, reminding himself to change the message right after he has taken a bath.
The machine beeps again, twice this time.
Hyukjae, it’s me.
Hyukjae groans. It’s fucking Junsu.
Hey, man. It’s been a while, huh? …Sorry for this late night call. I just want to say hi…, and maybe have a nice late night chat. You know, just like old times. If you’re in the mood, I mean.
For a moment, nothing else is heard from the machine aside from the cracking static sound.
Junsu sounds nervous, Hyukjae can tell as he approaches the machine; fully intend to turn it off when suddenly Junsu’s voice is back.
Look, I’m sorry.
Staring at the machine, his hand stops, hovering a centimeter on the button.
I know it’s hard for you, for both of us. And you can’t imagine how sorry I am for how I acted last time. But we can’t go on like this forever, Hyuk. We really need to stop the whole thing before we no longer can find a way to turn back.
Hyukjae closes his eyes, holding the urge to scream the question of How? and Why should I?.
I just…. I just want us to go back to our old friendship. You know, where I would…
Junsu’s words are cut off as Hyukjae pushes the stop button, hard, and flops himself down to the bed, trying to ignore the sickening silence filling the room.
---oo0oo---
Hyukjae has known Lee Donghae for a long time.
He’s the captain of Soccer Club where Hyukjae and Junsu are in. And when Junsu dragged Hyukjae to form the Dance Club, Donghae was the first one to join.
He’s not exactly Donghae’s best friend, though. He was way too focused on Junsu for that.
But still, Donghae is one of very few people Hyukjae can call friend. And Hyukjae is pretty sure he knows things about Donghae, more or less.
That’s why, what happened today has been a shock for him, because it revealed to him the side of Donghae he never knows before.
It was Sunday morning and Hyukjae had just finished his dance routine in the morning, trying to ignore the fact that he was dancing alone. He was wiping away the sweat on his face with a towel when one of his maids telling him that he had a company coming.
Donghae was sitting on the sofa in his living room when Hyukjae got there.
“Hey.” He looked up, smiling. “Busy?”
Hyukjae smiled back and shook his head. “What’s up?”
“Yeah, well, school is off. And I got this crazy urge today to dance till I’m passed out. I kinda remembered you’ve once said you have your own dancing studio.” He grinned and winked. “So here I am.”
Hyukjae laughed.
“Dance with me?” Donghae said and Hyukjae could swear for a moment he saw a glimpse of something inside Donghae’s darkened eyes.
He looked at Donghae long, before beckoning Donghae to follow him straight to the dance studio.
Dancing alone wasn’t that fun anyway.
But later on the dance floor, Hyukjae found out that dancing with Donghae was far from fun.
It was a hell of a turn on.
They did some tricky yet sensual hip hop dance, and all the time through the dance, Donghae either kept rubbing himself on Hyukjae or staring hotly at him as he was dancing closely, hands making unnecessary caresses all over his body.
It left Hyukjae hot and bothered, and he found himself leaning towards each touch as he was unconsciously matching his rhythm with Donghae.
“I don’t see you with Junsu much lately.” Donghae said when they’d finally finish the routine and was sitting on the floor, breath racing and legs straightened. His eyes were watching Hyukjae intently through his reflection in the mirror and Hyukjae stared back at him.
“Yeah, we’re kind of having fallout.” Hyukjae replied simply, could still feel the heat curling inside his body but decided that if Donghae wouldn’t say anything about it, then it would be damned if he did.
“Shame.” Donghae said. “You two look good together.”
Hyukjae took off his eyes from Donghae’s reflection in the mirror to look at the real him.
It was a multi-meaning word, Hyukjae knew, and he demanded explanation silently.
Donghae shrugged in response. “I saw you two, kissing… and doing other stuff, some times ago. Dancing room is a public place, you know?” Then he grinned as he saw Hyukjae blushing and mouth gaping, speechless at what he had said.
“Yeah, sorry about that.” Hyukjae finally managed to mutter something and put his palms on the floor, trying to lift himself up. But Donghae’s hand on his all of a sudden was stopping him.
“You know,” Donghae whispered, his face was suddenly so close. “I always think you’re cute.” And then he kissed Hyukjae.
Not lightly. Not even waiting for Hyukjae’s response. The kiss was ravaging.
Donghae was literally eating his lips hungrily, bit here and there, before going back to sucking and exploring. In his haze, Hyukjae thought he heard Donghae cursed and mumbled (Fuck, Hyuk. Been waiting so long for this) as Hyukjae finally moved his lips along beneath his.
And what happened later on had let Hyukjae know the side of Donghae that he hadn’t before:
Lee Donghae is a damn seducing-devil, even more than what Hyukjae recently has become.
---oo0oo---
So, dancing with Donghae isn’t fun, but being with Donghae is.
Donghae can be romantic if he wants it and usually it leaves Hyukjae flustered.
There are also so many things they have in common. Sometimes Hyukjae thinks he has them more than with Junsu.
Their dances are always in-sync, if not ended up being some hot-sweaty-on-the-hard-floor sex.
And their compatibility on bed is awesome. Donghae even lets Hyukjae top him once in a while.
So when they stop the whole boyfriend-thingy after two weeks together, at first Hyukjae blamed Donghae for everything.
He blamed him for the secret phone call in the middle of the night, when Donghae thought he had already slept. (Hyukjae often couldn’t sleep these days, he should’ve known)
He blamed him for some promises of dates missed, because Donghae suddenly had some things to take care of.
He blamed him for some rumors he had heard about Donghae being a player.
He blamed him for the fact that he caught Donghae naked and groaning one day on his bed, hips thrusting, beneath him was an also naked man whose name he found out later was Kim HeeChul. And Hyukjae swore he could hear Donghae whispering to the man (You know, Hyung. I always think you’re beautiful) in the same exact low and seducing tone as when he did it to him.
He turned back to step out of Donghae’s room and closed the door behind him without a sound after that.
But later, in the darkness of his room, Hyukjae admitted that it’s nobody’s fault.
Because if he didn’t feel a slightest jealousy even after what he had just saw, then it’s just the way it is.
And that night, for once after two weeks, Hyukjae found himself sleeping soundly until morning.
---oo0oo---
The next day, every student’s eyes in Donghae’s class are staring widely at him kissing Donghae, right there on his desk.
Hyukjae can see Donghae’s eyes glazed as their lips parted, and Donghae gives him this sad and apologetic smile.
Hyukjae gives him the same smile in return.
“This is our last kiss, Lee Donghae.” Hyukjae says what he has come to say. “Oh, and we have dance routine schedule today after school, in my studio. Make sure you’re there.”
And Hyukjae grins when he sees Donghae grinning, figures that things between him and his friend, Lee Donghae, will be just fine from now on.
---oo0oo---
Hyukjae was about to step out from his already empty class when he sees Junsu standing in the doorway.
He stops dead on his track and he can’t help but think of himself as pathetic because even now he can not take his eyes away from Junsu’s piercing stare.
For long minutes, it’s all they are doing: staring at each other with different emotions swirl inside each other.
“What are you doing, Hyuk?” Junsu finally speaks; anger is even more evident now from the sharp tone in his voice.
Hyukjae doesn’t answer, just keeps staring at Junsu with empty gaze.
And apparently it only fuels Junsu up even more, because he suddenly strides to where Hyukjae standing. “Seriously, Hyuk. What are you doing?” He asks again; voice one octave higher than before, before finally stopping right in front of Hyukjae, hands grabbing his sides of shoulder.
“You ignored my calls, you turned off your cell all day long, and you even avoided me at school. And all of a sudden I hear these rumors about you sleeping around with guys?” Hyukjae cringed as he feels Junsu’s grips over his shoulders get a little too tight.
Junsu’s voice is low and dangerous as he hisses at him; desperation punctuates his every single word. “What is wrong with you, Lee Hyukjae?”
And Hyukjae wants to answer, really he does, but lately there are too many wrong things in his life that he doesn’t even know where to start.
Besides -Hyukjae thinks as anger begins to surge out of his skin- none of it is Junsu’s problem anyway.
Junsu did things to him and he turned Hyukjae’s life upside down.
Just when he began to think that Junsu was the only light he had in his miserable life, then out of the blue he spat out words that perfected the darkness in Hyukjae’s worlds.
So yeah, Junsu definitely has no fucking right to question him and Hyukjae gives Junsu his rarely seen smirk, lifts his head and shrugs Junsu’s grips away from his shoulder.
“It’s all so simple, actually.” Hyukjae glares at him. “You refused to sleep with me, so I look for another.”
Hyukjae can feel immense satisfaction runs through his blood as he sees Junsu’s eyes get wider and his face turns pale at hearing that.
But no, it’s not enough so Hyukjae leans forward to whisper in Junsu’s ear. “You’ve made me this way, Xiah Junsu. Now that I suddenly turns into a slut who likes dicks like this, I don’t think it’s me you should’ve blamed.”
Hyukjae isn’t surprised as Junsu suddenly pushes him away with all his might, but still he can’t help huffing out a breath hard from his lung as his body is slammed unwillingly onto one of the desks nearby. The noisy clattering echoes in the empty classroom.
Clutching the side of the desk to stabilize him, Hyukjae looks up and sees Junsu, breath’s racing and eyes full of mixed pain and hurt and regret and anger and he looks awful because Hyukjae knows he has nowhere else to lash all of it now.
“I just want everything to be right again.” Junsu says after a moment with hoarse voice. His wild gaze finally landed on Hyukjae and it ticks Hyukjae off because he can see hopes and pleas in it.
Doesn’t he get it?!
“They can’t, Junsu.” Hyukjae exclaims, exasperated. “I can’t. Like it or not things have changed.”
Junsu watches him as he pushes himself off the desk and approaches, step after step.
“You want to stay up there where bright lights and colors blinding your eyes, fine. But I’m down here. And even though it’s dark and it’s cold and it’s fucking even scarier because you’re no longer here with me, I have no choice but stay. I can’t be anywhere else. Don’t you see how deep I’ve fallen?”
Hyukjae doesn’t know what gets him but the thing is, he just has to make sure. Just for one last time.
So his hands reach forward and Junsu’s cheeks are cold when he touches them. For a moment Hyukjae wonders if Junsu’s lips will be as cold as he leans forward inch by inch, refuses to look at Junsu’s eyes.
“Hyuk, don’t.” Junsu’s wavering voice reaches Hyukjae’s ears and he halts there, lips hovering just an inch away from Junsu’s. The last layer of hopes and expectations inside him crumbling down and the emotions are just too overwhelming that he can feel heat starts to form in his eyes.
A drop of tear falls over his cheek as he is pulling himself away from Junsu’s rigid body. He can feel more and more pain stabbing inside his body with every inch of distance he takes and he fists his palms tightly.
He finally dares himself to look at Junsu’s eyes, but the tears brimming have caused the sight of Junsu in front of him to become nothing but a blurring image.
“Why?” Hyukjae can hear his own voice trembling. “Why do you have to be the right one?”
But Junsu doesn’t answer. Hyukjae knows he doesn’t have one.
Hell, even he himself doesn’t have it, so all he can do is just turning back and starts to gather his stuff into his backpack.
“Just leave me alone.” Hyukjae says a minute later before closing the classroom door behind him with a soft click and leave, never knowing that a moment after his leaving Junsu starts to kick every desk near him before slumping onto the floor with tears in his eyes.
---oo0oo---
The loud sound of some remix techno is heard in the speakers placed all over the club area. People are getting crazier on the dance floor as the night is darkening and it becomes a sea of men, and men only.
Donghae told him about this place once but aside from his piqued curiosity, Hyukjae has never felt the need to visit this kind of place.
Well, at least not until tonight.
Hyukjae gulps the last drop of his drink and is about to rise up from where he’s sitting to get more when suddenly a man flops on the seat next to him with ease.
Irritated, Hyukjae glares at him. He didn’t choose table in the secluded corner of the room without a reason, yet it seems this man is completely oblivious to it.
Or, he could be just an old perverted homo who likes young men.
Donghae told him this place is filled with them, and for a moment Hyukjae regrets his decision not to drag Donghae here along with him.
But after getting better view from random sparkles of lights landed on his table, Hyukjae can see that this man is definitely not old.
An adult is more like it. A mature, stylishly dressed and breathtakingly handsome adult.
And he is staring at Hyukjae, grinning slightly. “Do you mind?” He says, cocks his head down over the seat he is sitting on.
Hyukjae finds himself reconsidering, and a little bit surprised that he suddenly doesn’t really mind him here anymore. So he sits back again.
“No, I don’t.” He answers and dangles his glass in front of the man’s face. “I was just going to get more drink.”
The man lifts one of his eyebrows at that hidden request and laughs before taking the glass from Hyukjae’s hand and rises up from his seat. “Okay, I’ll get more drink for both of us.” He exclaims and starts to make his way towards the bar.
Hyukjae watches him slipping with ease among the dancing crowds, smiling to some people here and there who are calling him and it’s a clear hint on how familiar that man is with this place. Hyukjae can’t help but think that this is really going to be a bad idea.
Hell, that man -no matter how handsome he looks in his stylish clothing- is damn well experienced. While on the other side, Hyukjae had just barely succeeded in getting into this place by showing a fake ID. One he had paid loads for.
Hyukjae knows he shouldn’t play with fire.
But then again, what happened this afternoon has burnt him to ashes anyway, so he just can’t bring himself to care anymore.
“I’m Kim Youngwoon. But you can just call me Kangin.” The man says after he is back on his seat with two glasses of booze in his hands. He reaches inside his jacket and takes out something. A name card, Hyukjae notices before accepting it from the man’s offering hand.
The man is apparently a Marketing Manager in a well known company, if what is stated on his card is the truth. But Hyukjae figures truth or no truth doesn’t really matter here.
“I’m Hyukjae. Lee Hyukjae.” And Hyukjae can feel the man’s eyes following his every single move as he lifts his glass off the table and brings it to his mouth.
“So,” Kangin says without taking his eyes off Hyukjae’s licking the remaining drops of the drink smeared on his lips. “What brings a high school boy like you to this kind of place?”
Hyukjae puts back his glasses and smiles slyly at him. “Do I look that young?”
Kangin grins and without any malice in his voice he answers. “You look enough like a brat to me.”
It’s pretty strange how Hyukjae finds the answer is more amusing than it is offending, but he laughs and all the tense he felt earlier is suddenly gone.
Leaning his back on the seat relaxingly, Hyukjae silently admits that may be tonight won’t be as bad as he thought it would be.
---oo0oo---
It turns out Kangin is a pretty decent man.
Overall, they had an interesting night. Kangin’s maturity showed in every single word he said, but somehow his teasing and childish joking here and there balanced their gap of ages well. Hyukjae found it was pleasant to chat with Kangin.
Perhaps it’s because of the fact that Kangin is clearly a gay, and he is a gay, and they were sitting in a gay club where almost everyone is gay, and the hell with the world outside. So their magnitude of relationship shifted quickly from stranger to friend within that one night.
But when Hyukjae could already feel his head became lighter and lighter due to amount of alcohol he gulped, and started to inch closer and closer to Kangin with lust in his eyes, Kangin surprisingly stopped him by a touch of his hand and declared that Hyukjae had had too many drinks and that they should wrap the night up.
Hyukjae’s pride was offended, of course. And it was shown in his pouting lips and continuous gaze outside the window of Kangin’s car after Kangin had insisted to drive him home.
“I love to drink, Hyukjae-ah. But having sex under the influence of alcohol is never one of my kinks.” He whispered later in Hyukjae’s blushing ear, right after he stole a kiss from Hyukjae’s lips as they stopped in front of Hyukjae’s house gate.
So, yeah. Kangin is indeed a very decent man. And Hyukjae went to sleep that night with a smile on his face.
---oo0oo---
Kangin picks him up from school almost everyday to have lunch together after that.
But he never chooses those shady places where everyone who comes can save themselves from embarrassment or curious glances.
Kangin chooses fine restaurants.
You know, those with full-smile concierges waiting at the entrance and various expensive wines to choose and long waiting lists.
And he holds Hyukjae’s hand in his as they walk in and he pulls Hyukjae’s chair when they are taking their sit and he insists on Hyukjae to call him Hyung starting from now on and he says thank you with this bright proud smile on his face to the waiter who claims on how he has great taste in choosing a companion.
Hyukjae always thought he’ll be dead from all the blushing he got at a few first times, but Kangin was always able to say the right thing and gave him the right looks and touched him gently in the right moments that soon, Hyukjae finds himself get used to all of it.
At nights, he’ll take Hyukjae to awesome places Hyukjae never knows before in the upper side of the city, just to gaze at the stars twinkling in the sky with Kangin’s arm around him and his warm chest under his back.
And after three weeks, with a gentle possessiveness on Kangin’s eyes and a tightening grip over their entwining hands, he made love to Hyukjae for the first time on the king-sized bed in the suite room of a five star hotel with beautiful view of Seoul’s glamour night lights outside the big glasses windows.
Kangin is perfect.
Hyukjae can not find other words to describe him and every night he convinces himself that his life couldn’t get anymore better than it has been right now while trying to ignore his constantly constricting heart ever since Donghae informed him that Junsu had broken up with Taeyeon a week ago.
---oo0oo---
They were on Kangin’s large bed, exhausted after a round of sex.
Hyukjae is watching as Kangin reaches his cigarettes and lighter over the bedside table, lights one with ease and smokes it.
“Does smoking feel that good?” Hyukjae asks, stretching his back and enjoying the pleasant sore on his backside.
Kangin stares at him with hunger in his eyes before taking another drag. “I guess so.”
Hyukjae’s eyes glint and he leans his body on Kangin’s side. “I want to try it.”
Kangin lifts one of his eyebrows, minds contemplating before shrugging and offer the cigarette in his hand to Hyukjae. Hyukjae accepts it with glee so childish that makes Kangin smiles fondly.
Hyukjae coughs several times after taking his first drag of his first cigarette, glares and punches the arm of Kangin who laughs at him, but he is nothing but determined and takes another drag.
No cough this time, and a few drags later, Hyukjae is grinning from ear to ear. “Wow~! Hyung, I’m flying!” And seriously, somehow the cigarette makes him a bit dizzy and his head feels so light that it reminds Hyukjae of the feelings he get every time he drinks and the alcohol starts to affect him.
Kangin’s laughter gets even louder and his body is shaking hard from it. “You really are still a brat.” He says with a grin on his face and he laughs again. Hyukjae decides to shut him up with a kiss.
“I love you, Lee Hyukjae.” Kangin says as their lips are apart, face is suddenly all serious.
But too many seconds passed and Hyukjae still can’t find himself responding to that statement. He can see Kangin’s expression is falling apart and the shine the older man has in his eyes earlier are dimmed.
Hyukjae wants to look away from that sight but he doesn’t, because he knows it’ll hurt Kangin even more.
Hurting Kangin is the one thing he never wishes to do.
So he keeps staring at Kangin with apology and pleas of understanding in his eyes until Kangin finally smiles sadly. He takes the neglected cigarette from Hyukjae’s hand and put it out into the ashtray on the bed side.
“It’s late. Let’s sleep.” He says before giving Hyukjae’s lips a light peck and lowers himself onto the bed. He reaches over the table to switch off the light and lays on his side, his back to Hyukjae.
As the night gets darker Hyukjae finds he can’t sleep at all and he knows that Kangin can’t either. But then Hyukjae hugs his back from behind and moves his head closer so that Kangin’s soft black hair is tickling his nose and Kangin says nothing, just wraps his hand over his.
---oo0oo---
Somehow, their relationship changes after that.
Well, Kangin keeps doing what he is doing for this last one month.
But sometimes he is doing even more and Hyukjae thinks that maybe he is trying to prove something to Hyukjae because in every end of their day, Kangin will give him that look that is full of questions and hopes and it always leaves him feeling awful because all he can do is smiling and leaning over to kiss Kangin’s warm lips before saying thank you for today. He walks back into the house in quick and hasty steps because he doesn’t want to see all the hurt and disappointment in Kangin’s face.
It all makes Hyukjae begin to have doubts.
Maybe he was wrong when he thought he could lie to himself when it is a fact that even when Kangin was with him, he can not erase Junsu out of his mind.
But he has tried.
Fuck, he has tried and he has decided to keep on trying before Kangin finally decides that as the adult in this relationship, he has to initiate mature solutions for this problem.
So here they are, sitting side by side on the grass field of one of their favorite hills, watching the night sky.
Actually, the cloud is darkening the sky and there is no star to be seen. Kangin had said before that it would be pointless to do this tonight. But Hyukjae is trying his hardest right now and ‘pointless’ is currently a word he hates the most so he insisted and Kangin, staring at him without a word, had finally obeyed his whim.
“Hyukjae-ah, I think we should stop this.” Hyukjae can hear Kangin’s rough voices through sound of the blowing winds and he shuts his eyes tight and grips Kangin’s hand harder, silently begs him not to continue whatever it is he is going to say.
“I don’t want to lose you, Hyung.” Hyukjae pleads in a barely whispered voice and he lets Kangin’s hand go just to grab the end of Kangin’s shirt in the same tight grip. “I don’t want to be alone again in this darkness.”
Hyukjae turns his head to see Kangin smiling sadly while staring at where Hyukjae’s strong grip is crumpling his shirt. Then he looks up to meet Hyukjae’s gaze with determination clear in his eyes. “But you have to.”
Hyukjae’s eyes widen, knowing fully that it could really be their last night together, no matter how hard he fight for it not to be. Awful fear strikes him and tears blurring his view as he shakes his head once and then twice and again until Kangin stops it with his strong hands on his both cheeks, cooing him with meaningless words in his effort to calm him down.
“Hyukjae-ah, listen to me.” Kangin says in a soft voice and puts his forehead on Hyukjae’s. “You have become my sun in the pitch of black.”
Hyukjae holds back a sob as Kangin continues with hoarse voices. “But we both know I can never be yours. Not even after we’ve tried, not even after all these times spent together. And I love you too much to let you walk stumblingly without light in the dark and ignoring the emptiness I see in your eyes.”
Hyukjae blinks a tear. “But I’m happy with you.”
Kangin smiles at that. “I know you do. And so do I. But things have gotten too deep between us and I don’t want to wake up beside you one day and curse myself for helplessly hating you because you can not give me the thing I want the most.”
And it only makes Hyukjae crying harder because deep down, truthfully what Kangin had just said is the exact thing he fears the most will be happened in the future if he keeps everything the way they do.
So Hyukjae finally gives up. He’s just so tired and drained and he knows Kangin understands and has forgiven him even though he never asks because Kangin lets Hyukjae inside his warm hug all through the night as they are watching the black sky above in silent.
There are no more words left to say anyway.
---oo0oo---
“Goodbye, Hyukjae-ah.” Kangin says and kisses Hyukjae’s forehead one last time before turning back into his car and leave.
That night, Hyukjae finally understands that ‘right’ is actually never about perfection.
It’s about the heart.
--oo0oo---
It’s been a week after, and last night Kangin called him from his new office in Hongkong where he had asked to be transferred to. It’s a short conversation but Kangin had wished him happy and Hyukjae had cried again and also wished for Kangin to be happy and they both ended it with a smile on both of their lips.
That’s it. Hyukjae is moving on.
He realizes he has bad records in the term of ‘moving on’ yet there is no way for him now but going forward.
But once again Junsu is standing there in the doorway when Hyukjae turns around to walk out of the school’s dancing studio. And once again Hyukjae stops dead on his track.
But this time there’s no anger in Junsu’s expression.
“Hi, Hyuk.” He says with an unsure smile. But Hyukjae is just standing there, too absorbed in his effort to calm his pounding heart because he is trying to move on here, God dammit.
Junsu looks flustered at Hyukjae’s lack of response before making moves to approach him.
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you, but you still ignore my call.” He says, taking another step closer and ignores Hyukjae’s panic looks. “I’m sorry for stalking you. It seems like it’s the only way to make you talk to me.”
A sound of the door banged closed is heard from somewhere far outside and both of them jump in surprise. But the silent is back again after a few seconds.
“I heard you broke up with that young executive?” Junsu says after a while.
Hyukjae glares, feels a spark of anger rises inside him because he so doesn’t need this right now, especially not from Junsu. “His name is Kangin, and I thought I’ve told you before that it’s none of your business.”
Junsu lifts his hands immediately in a calming pose. “No! God, I don’t mean to mock you, Hyuk. It’s not why I came here.”
Hyukjae can feel his anger subsides at hints of desperation heard in Junsu’s voice. He folds his hands on his chest and gives Junsu questioning stare.
“Listen,” Junsu starts again but then he stops and scratches the back of his had. Hyukjae wonders what makes him looks so nervous.
“I just want to apologize for all the things I’ve done and if you don’t mind -I really hope you don’t mind- I want us to go back to those times when I could kiss you and you could kiss me too and our small world is filled with nothing but happiness from us being together.”
And Hyukjae blinks because Junsu was saying it all so fast with his eyes stares down and he seems like he’s going to hyperventilate in any seconds now after he finished saying it. But then the meaning of Junsu’s words slowly click into his brain and his eyes are widened, confused and unsure.
“But,” Hyukjae gapes. “But you said those things were wrong…?”
“I did.” Junsu cuts in fast and gulps down his breath. “I did. And I still do, because those are wrong and you know it too.” Junsu takes a couple more steps until finally he stands right in front of Hyukjae.
“But even though maybe you won’t believe me when I say this, these last few months without you by my side, is just completely like hell. Not to mention all the anger I felt when I hear the rumors about those guys who slept with you.” Junsu frowns at that before continuing. “I’ve done some thinking ever since the last time we talk and I finally realized that I need you. And no matter how much I denied it the fact still remains and that’s just how it is.”
Hyukjae can’t believe his ears and for one second he thinks he might’ve heard wrong with all the sudden thrumming of blood in his head. But Junsu is still talking and all he can do is just listening.
“I would’ve come to you sooner but then I found out you were already with him and Donghae said you’ve never looked so happy before and I’ve promised myself to never be the one who ruins your life once again. But now you’re here with me and you still look at me with that gaze and I know that I also have fallen too deep.” Junsu stops to take a breath and Hyukjae knows he is just going to say more things so he quickly pulls Junsu close and kisses him.
There are tears in both of their eyes as the kiss ends.
“Anything else you want to say?” Hyukjae asks with a smile on his trembling lips.
For a moment Junsu doesn’t answer because he is too busy mapping Hyukjae’s face with his fingers. But then his eyes meet Hyukjae’s. “I love you.” He whispers softly. “And can we kiss once again? Because, seriously Hyuk, it’s been too fucking long.”
Hyukjae’s laugh is stifled by Junsu’s lips.
---oo0oo---
“Hyuk, I have a confession to make.” Junsu says.
“What is it?” Hyukjae mutters drowsily and fixes the blanket that covers them both.
“Remember when I said how angry I was at those guys who slept with you?”
Junsu waits until he can feel Hyukjae’s nodding his head from where he lays half on top of him.
“Donghae spent a full week trying to hide from me because of that.” Junsu tells him and Hyukjae just can’t help it when he suddenly giggles loudly.
Junsu laughs with him soon after.
“Hyuk,” Junsu whispers again in his ear and Hyukjae leans his head back onto Junsu’s shoulder.
“Yeah?”
For a moment nothing is heard and Hyukjae’s eyes are about to close when Junsu’s voice is suddenly heard again.
“Is it really that dark and scary down here?”
Hyukjae stares long at the ceiling of Junsu’s room before smiling sadly. “Yes… yes it is. But I’ve got you now, so it’s okay.”
And Junsu’s arms that are tightening around him along with his warm breath tickling his nape once again convince Hyukjae that Junsu has finally, finally, felt the same way.
THE END.
PS:
Phewwww… *wipes sweats* My longest oneshot ever. I mean, it’s almost 10.000 words, you guys~! *dies*
Oh, and comments are always loved. :DD Read other entries from this challenge.