[Series]Reaching For Happiness, JaredxJensen (19/?)
Author:freedomthisway
Character: Jared, Jensen, JDM, Mike Rosenbaum, Tom Welling.
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama, H/C
Warning: Rape/Non-con, underage, Jensen/OMC
Rating: PG-13 for this chapter
Special Note: Super thank you to mymuseandi a.k.a Lin for helping me beta-ing this chapter. You're awesome, bb~! This chapter will be a complete disaster without your help. So THANK YOU~!
Summary:
Jensen is Jared's younger stepbrother. When Jensen was 7, his mother was remarried to Thomas Padalecki, the head of the rich and famous Padalecki family.
Their closeness as child changed after they grew older and Jared found out his feelings toward Jensen. Not wanting to ruin the family, Jared chose to keep his love for Jensen inside and avoid him like crazy instead.
While Jensen was struggling to bear his own misery, he too realized his feelings for Jared, but didn't act on it because he assumed Jared hated him.
After 3 years of escaping from the family, hearing Thomas' death, Jensen decided to come back. Only to face Jared's hatred towards him.
All Jensen wants is a happiness and love with Jared by his side. Can he reach it eventually?
Author notes:
Here's chapter 19, bbs. And to tell the truth, my muse kind of went berserk while I was writing this. All ideas came rushing at once, jumbled up inside my head. And trying to sort them out was truly a pain in my ass.
The point is, I'm not too satisfied with how this particular chapter comes out.
So I'm seriously going to need your feedback on anything you can point a finger at. Be it the writing style, the dialogues, the scenes' description, the redundancy (dear God, look at all those repetitions!), or simply the oddity in character that you can't help but notice. Please, let me know, so I can improve the next chapter better.
Anyway, thanks for the patience. I hope this one works for you too. If it's not, then please spare some time to click on that comment button right there and shoot out all the dissatisfaction. I'll be ready here with my notes :)
Chapter 1 :: Chapter 2 :: Chapter 3 :: Chapter 4 :: Chapter 5
Chapter 6 :: Chapter 7 :: Chapter 8 :: Chapter 9 :: Chapter 10
Chapter 11 :: Chapter 12 :: Chapter 13 :: Chapter 14 :: Chapter 15
Chapter 16 :: Chapter 17 :: Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting
I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and I'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
But I kind of like it
I made my bed and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
That she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting
(Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice)
The wind breezes gently, and Jensen yawns, suddenly feels a little sleepy.
“There you are.” A voice, low and terrifyingly familiar pulls Jensen’s mind out of the book he’s reading. He looks up, heart jumping to his throat from fear and he freezes completely when he sees the man standing a few feet in front of him.
“Jeff…” The name comes out in a whisper and Jensen’s grips over the pages get tighter, suddenly wanting the grass below to open up and swallow him whole.
He had forgotten about Jeff. It’s stupid and careless, but his issues with Jared preoccupied his mind enough these days, and he fucking forgot about Jeff.
Jensen curses himself for being such an idiot. And now he has nowhere to run. Great.
“I thought I’d find you here.” Jeff says, crossing the pathway surrounded by rose bushes towards the garden bench where Jensen is sitting. Scanning those bushes with appreciative gazes, Jeff takes a seat next to Jensen. “Those flowers turn out pretty. I’ve always known you have a green thumb, Jen.”
Jensen sits straighter, back tensing as he slowly flips the page of his book close. Jeff is now staring at him, he can tell. But Jensen refuses to look back. Instead he’s watching his fingers as they fiddle with the edge of the book.
“What? No hugs for me?” Jeff says again, voice filled with nothing but gentle fondness. Still, Jensen can’t bring himself to relax, and after a moment of silence, he can hear Jeff sighing.
Jeff stares at the man besides him and he suddenly wants to let out a deep breath of relief. He can’t help but think that despite his own claim of being an atheist, the fact of Jensen being here --safe and sound after all he went through-- is probably the damn closest proof of God’s solid existence he ever encounters.
“It’s so glad to see you again, Jensen.” Jeff says softly, meaning each and every word. “Jared and I were so damn worried, but… you’re here now. That’s all that matters.”
Somehow those words throw Jensen off the edge and all of a sudden, he can feel all these anxiety and fear and shame get mixed up inside him. Never been one to beat around the bush, Jensen ignores the painful clenching of his stomach and hisses loud enough for Jeff to hear. “You know.”
Jeff blinks at that short statement, automatically retorts a few seconds later with a ‘Huh?’
Jensen turns his eyes to Jeff. Even as he’s watching the way Jeff’s handsome face burrowed in confusion, Jensen decides not to buy it.
“You know, don’t you?” Jensen repeats with gritted teeth. “Don’t play dumb with me Jeff. There’s no way Jared didn’t tell you. So stop talking nonsense and just yell or mock me, or whatever it is you’re here to do.”
Jeff frowns, slowly absorbing those words and the whole sight of Jensen in front of him: his much too tight grips over the book he’s holding, his stiffening expression with each and every second of silence stretched between them, his wavering voice, the way he mercilessly bites his own lips so hard. The whole red signs of anxiety and fear which are so clear to see under the bright rays of the sun. And that’s when Jeff gets it.
“You think I’d hate you.” Jeff says slowly, disbelieving. “Those things you did, you’re assuming that it would make me think of you as a lesser man.”
Jensen flinches at those words and Jeff almost gapes at the absurdness of the situation; on how Jensen is being so fucking ridiculous here.
But Jeff knows better than to laugh. He had met lots of people whose life were so fucked up that they couldn’t help but traumatized by it and hated themselves for it. Consequently, they were unconsciously expecting people to hate them too, to condemn them for eternity. And Jensen here is no exception.
“You actually believe I’d be like that, Jen?” The frustration can barely be heard in Jeff’s soft tone.
Jensen stares into Jeff’s eyes for a moment before turning his gaze away. “I wouldn’t blame you if you do.” He shrugs, staring down blankly. “It came with the job description, you know, being looked down on and all.” Looking up, he shakes his head slowly and letting out this laughter that sounds so bitter and broken. “It’s not like I’d give a damn, Jeff. Not anymore.”
Jeff watches as Jensen’s face tries his hardest to look tough and fails at it, suppressing the urge to just scoot closer and embrace Jensen in a hug, just so he can stop him from looking so fucking miserable.
“It’s all in the past, Jensen. You shouldn’t let it get to you for the rest of your life.”
Jensen’s gaze returns to Jeff at that statement, those green eyes are glinting with dark amusement. “The past, huh? Haven’t you caught up with the latest news, Jeff? Because the last time I check, I’m still a whore. Jared pays me good money for my service. And as far as I’m concerned, that fact won’t change any time soon.” Jensen says daringly, chin jutting up. “Don’t think too highly of me, Jeff. Save it for someone else who fits the respectable shoes better.”
Hearing those words, Jeff’s jaw is hardened and his tone is full of warning as he retorts, “Stop trying to make me hate you, Jen. I have never been one who judges his friend so shallowly, and I won’t start now.”
Jensen’s eyes widen, and for a moment he looks so fragile and lost and hopeful at the same time. Jeff’s expression is softening as his heart clenches at the sight. He takes that chance to reach out and holds one of Jensen’s hands in a reassuring grip. “I'll say it one more time.” He whispers gently. “It's so glad to see you again, Jen.”
For a second there Jeff thinks Jensen will cry. Beads of tears are welling up his eyes, making them a pair of glistening greens. But somehow, Jensen manages to stop them from falling down his cheeks, turning his face and awkwardly rubs them all away with his free hand.
Jeff allows Jensen some time to regain his composure before squeezing his fingers. “You know I mean it, right? Each and every word, so you better remember that.”
Jensen doesn’t answer, just nodding frantically as he squeezes Jeff’s fingers back slightly, but it’s enough to make the older man smile.
“So," Jensen clears his throat. "Aside from declaring your eternal love for me, you’re here for another reason, aren’t you?” He says lightly, but there’s clear wariness in his voice.
Jeff isn’t surprised at the question. After all, Jensen is not stupid. Granted, he’s hopeless and such a crybaby when it comes to love --or Jared in most cases-- but he’s never a stupid one.
“Yeah, well.” Jeff shrugs, decides to be as truthful as he can be. Hell, Jensen deserves it. “Let’s just say that Jared thinks he has met a dead end with you.”
Jensen snorts. “And he asked you to save the day? Well, no offense. But you can never make me change my mind, Jeff.” He shakes his head, expression darkening. “Not on this one. Not on him.”
Jeff can see Jensen tensing and quickly says, “Hey, come on, Jen. I’m not here to force you to do anything you don’t want to do. It’s your life and you’re free to live it the way you like it.”
Jensen relaxes once again at hearing that. “I’m sorry.” He says weakly, biting his lips. “It’s just that… I can’t let Jared get to me again, Jeff. I don’t want to be hurt anymore. Is it that wrong to protect yourself from being broken down completely?”
Jeff goes silent for a moment. “No, of course it’s not wrong.” He nods, “I know Jared has done things that you’d find hard to forgive. But listen to me here, Jen. Aside from the entire fucked up things that’s happened in the past, even I can still see how madly in love both of you are with each other. Don’t try to deny it, man.” Jeff says as Jensen is about to open his mouth in protest. “Somehow I know that it’s the truth. Just like that time when I could tell that you’re in love with Jared without you saying a word about it.”
Jensen looks pensive for a moment. “It might be true. But I’ve realized since long time ago that ‘together’ will never be an option for both of us.” He finally answers, almost sadly.
“Okay, I know that the phrase ‘You decide your own destiny’ is one cheesy advice.” Jeff says, cringing at his own words. ”But I'm going to say it anyway, because I always believe that it’s true. Think of it this way, Jensen. Even after everything, the fact is you both are here once again. If you can’t call that destiny, I don’t know what else it should be called.”
Jensen glares at Jeff. “You are starting to sound like Jared. If you’re here to be his devil’s advocate then I’m not sure if I should still be talking to you, Jeff.”
Jeff raises both his hands up, chuckling. “Hey, I’m not taking sides if that’s what you mean. It’d take a whole lot more than just Jared’s annoying phone call in the middle of the night for him to make me his bitch.”
“However, I won’t lie to you.” Jeff continues with a serious tone. “I would do anything to get you both together, because it really pains me to see both of you in this condition, Jen. I know how much you love the guy, even when he’s proven to be dumb as shit. Jared’s feeling for you is still the same, if not ridiculously more. The only thing stopping you guys from kissing and making up is all those scars and painful memories of the past you choose to hang on to. And that’s how this matchmaking business starts to get all fucked up. Because there’s nothing I can do when it comes to that. It’s up to both of you to overcome it.”
Jeff pauses, watching and waiting for Jensen’s reaction. But Jensen’s face is only turning even darker with sadness and something else Jeff can’t recognize, and after long minutes, Jensen still doesn’t say a thing.
Jeff sighs, can’t help but remembering the old days when Jensen would stubbornly clam up closed and be as silent as a statue whenever Jeff mentioned Thomas. Knowing that this might as well be considered as the same situation, Jeff realizes that this is pointless. Perhaps he should try again on better day. “Fine,” Jeff folds. “Since you look like you don’t want to talk about this, I’ll stop here today.”
Jensen relaxes visibly at that.
“But only if you agree to answer my last question.” Jeff continues with a grin.
Jensen is tensing again. “What is it?” He asks cautiously.
Jeff’s eyes are glinting mischievously. “You’re still not going to give me a hug?” He wiggles his eyebrows comically.
Jensen’s burst of laughter is loud and clear in the air and when Jensen moves to embrace him in a hug, Jeff wonders if it is the first time Jensen has laughed like this after a long time.
As he tightens his hands over Jensen’s body --chest swelling with fondness and care for this guy in his arms-- Jeff thinks that it probably is.
---00o00---
Jeff sits there swatting imaginary dust off his pants and gives Jared his best innocent look. “What?” He asks lightly, swallowing an amused smile at the way Jared pouting at him.
“You hugged.” Jared states curtly, throwing daggers with his glare.
Jeff raises his eyebrows. “Yeah, so? You have one of those spying cams installed around the garden now? I thought you were at work, man.”
Jared doesn’t budge, only pouts more. “I just did some asking around.”
Jeff can’t take it anymore and laughs. “Oh, God. You’re unbelievable.” He says, wiping tears off his eyes. “Come on. It’s nothing. It’s just easier for him to lower his defensive walls around me. I am a nice guy after all.”
But Jared’s tone is still all warning when he says, “I’m in enough mess already with Jensen, Jeff. I’m not asking your help just to watch you add another problem into the mix.”
Jeff gapes at Jared’s ridiculous words. “Are you serious? You really think I’d try to take advantage of the situation and snatch away your man? Man, this whole angst has done some serious damage on your brain.”
“Wouldn’t be the first time if you do, you asshole.” Jared grunts with affectionate tone, looking a bit relaxed now.
Jeff rolls his eyes. “Give me a break. It wasn’t like you mind it at those times I did. You were practically itching to get them off your lap. I’m telling you man, you should’ve thanked me for cleaning your shit every time you got bored of whomever it was warming your bed at that time.”
“Oh, of course, I should.” Jared retorts sarcastically. “After all, I was giving you easy pick ups all the time. All you have to do was just show up like a knight in shining armor and sweep those damsels in distress into your arms.”
“Hey,” Jeff gives a fake offended look. “I simply offered a shoulder to cry on. It isn’t my fault if my shoulder is so broad that it can take more than one crying faces at once.”
“You’re such a hopeless jerk.” Jared shakes his head.
But Jeff just grins. “It takes one to know one, Jay. You should be ashamed for dumping them as you please, by the way. They’re actually nice once you really get to know them.”
Jared nods, “Yeah, but they aren’t Jensen.” And Jeff goes silent at the blunt remark as he’s watching the shadow comes back on Jared’s face.
Jared wipes his face with his big hand, looking so tired and lost. “I’m really screwed now, Jeff. I don’t think he can forgive me after all this time. I’ve messed up both of us too much and hurt him too deeply. I just have no clue on what to do anymore.”
“Well, I’d say don’t give up too soon, Jay.” Jeff replies, trying to encourage his best friend. “If there’s anything I got from my conversation with Jensen was that he’s still pretty much in love with you.”
Jared gives him a bitter look. “Yeah, well, not wanting to sound arrogant, but I’ve pretty much figured that out by myself, thank you very much. But it looks like that said fact won’t do me much good, doesn’t it?”
“You just have to give him more time. He’ll get around it sooner or later, I’m sure.”
“But I don’t have much time left, Jeff.” Jared says, frustrated. “That’s why I called you. I just think that there’s no way for me to get to him for now.”
Jeff gives Jared a sympathetic gaze. “There are still a couple of weeks left. Don’t worry, Jay. I’ll try to stop by as often as I can. Just, give me some more time to knock some sense into his head. I’m not saying it’ll be easy. The kid had been through a lot, after all. But it’s not a Mission Impossible.” Jeff says. “We just need to have faith.”
Jared muses over Jeff’s words. Sighing, he knows Jeff is right. He just has to be patient. They can’t rush miracles anyway.
“What should I do while you’re playing mediator?” Jared asks, biting his lips.
Jeff shrugs. “I can only help as much, Jay. You need to figure that out by yourself.” Jeff points his finger to Jared in warning. “Just, don’t do anything stupid. For God’s sake, please refrain yourself from creating another mess, okay? I don’t know if I can help you anymore if you do.”
Jared nods blankly, wondering if it’s possible for him to fuck up the situation more than he already has.
---00o00---
By the end of the third week, Jared can feel his relationship with Jensen has shifted into something better. Not exactly like how he wants it to be, per se, but it’s definitely improving. Jensen’s treatment to him now is much more tolerable and even if Jared still expects more, he and Jensen are now unbelievably getting okay.
Maybe Jeff is right. Maybe it’s not a Mission Impossible after all.
Jared is still jealous as hell at the amount of time Jeff is spending with Jensen every day, but now Jensen is willing to respond his attempt of light conversation over their meal time without sending him killing glares. He no longer flinches every time Jared mentions the topic of their feelings towards each other. He doesn’t say anything to reply Jared’s heartfelt statement, but he doesn’t throw his usual spiteful and biting comments either.
And the most important improvement is that Jensen no longer forces Jared to accept his ‘service’. It makes Jared relieved to no end. Because of all the attitudes Jensen was giving him, that one is torturing Jared the most.
Jared doesn’t know how Jeff’s doing it, but he seriously owes his best friend a whole lot for this. All of a sudden, days are becoming much brighter for Jared; each is filled with rising hopes and expectations.
Just like today, they both are having their breakfast together. Jared eats off of his plate while raking the inside of his head, trying to come up with a topic of a conversation that won’t make Jensen upset. But then Jensen -much to Jared’s surprise- lifts his head to look at Jared and asks, “Do you mind if I put some work into the garden? It’s almost fall, and I think some of the rose bushes could use a little trim.”
Jensen waits for Jared’s reply while the older man is just sitting there gaping, can’t seem to believe his ears. After long minutes, Jared has to bite his lips to hide his gleeful smile as he replies lightly, controlling his voice to keep him from sounding overly bliss. “Sure, go ahead. It is after all due to your hard work that the garden can be as beautiful as it is now, Jen.”
Jensen is blushing, softly muttering a thank you before resuming his breakfast. Jared feels like he can explode at any minute, all this joy swirling inside him.
It seriously makes Jared want to jump off his chair and start dancing, and if Jeff is here right now, Jared’s pretty sure that the bastard will comment on how whipped he is. But Jared just doesn’t fucking care. Jensen is talking about prettying up the garden for the upcoming fall as if he’s thinking about staying longer. Not just for a month like the deal they have agreed on. It’s as if Jensen implying that he’ll stay. For good.
And Jared thinks that the assumption itself deserves a hell of celebration.
He needs to invite Jeff tonight for a drink, perhaps thanking him by giving him his tightest bear hug. But then he gets even a better idea. He’s not sure if it’s going to work but Jared knows he just has to give it a try. Even just imagining Jensen saying yes to what he’s going to ask is making Jared’s whole body thrum with excitement.
“So, Jensen.” Jared starts cautiously, can’t help but feel wary at the possibility of Jensen’s rejection to his proposal. It’ll be fucking awkward --not to mention flattening his already bubbling spirit-- if it happens. “Tonight there’ll be a football match between Giants and Cowboys aired on TV. Jeff and I are planning to crash on the couch, and watch it. There’ll be couple bottles of beers involved in our plan, of course. And Jeff is bringing the pizza over. I remembered that together we used to be big fans of Giants. Would you like to join us?” Jared asks, trying to act casual. Actually, there hasn’t been such a plan made between him and Jeff. But he can always call Jeff right after this to make one.
Jensen stares at him with an unreadable gaze and Jared holds his breath, mentally crossing his fingers. Now that he had spurted out the question, it’s crazy how much he actually wants Jensen to agree on this.
Jensen looks like he’s thinking it over, but then he smiles and shrugs. “Sure. It’ll be fun, I guess.”
And that’s it.
Jared is officially elated now. He feels so light, and he grips his chair tightly or else he’s sure he’ll float at any second. He doesn’t even bother to keep his happiness subtle anymore. His grin is so wide that he can feel his jaw hurting but he just can’t stop grinning.
That bastard Jeff is better not be busy tonight or else Jared will make him regret it by throwing the biggest fit of his life.
---00o00---
Jeff enters Padalecki’s family room that night --juggling 2 boxes of pizza in his hand-- just to be greeted with Jared who is standing near the couch with some bottles of beers in his grips and a smile so bright that it seems to lighten the room.
“Stop smiling. You look like an idiot.” Jeff retorts, swallowing his own grin as he’s walking over to the couch and put the pizza box on the coffee table.
“Say all you want, old man.” Jared replies, grinning even wider. “You can never bring me down tonight.”
Jeff rolls his eyes. Looking around, he asks. “Where’s Jensen?”
Jared is looking up from his peeking into the opened pizza box. “He’s still in his room, saying he’ll be down in a minute.” And then his forehead creases into a worried frown. “You don’t think he’ll cancel our plan tonight, do you? I mean, it has been a while since I buzzed him through intercom, but he still hasn’t showed up.”
Jeff shakes his head, amused. “He’ll be here. God, look at you. You’re so pathetic. I never knew you could be such a girl. Seriously Jared, you’re embarrassing me here.”
Jared blushes and grunts out a shut up and this is not a date, asshole but still the grin is back on his face.
Right at that moment, Jensen enters the room and Jared is blushing even more at the thought of Jensen hearing their ridiculous conversation.
Jeff doesn’t miss that and lets out a chuckle. Jared gives him a glare before greeting Jensen with a warm smile.
Jensen smiles back at Jared, giving Jeff a cheerful Hi before slumping onto one of the single couches laid in the room. Jared swallows a disappointment at seeing that. He was expecting to sit on the same couch as Jensen, would have been even better if it turned out they sat side by side. But he guesses he has to be satisfied with Jensen sitting a little far from him.
Realizing the line of his thought, Jared cringes because Jeff is right. For God sake, he does act like a girl. He needs to stop before he starts to look creepy and ruin the night.
It’s not an easy thing to do, though. His blood is buzzing with happiness and the way he feels so high reminds him of those times when he and Jeff tried out some weed out of curiosity on their high school rooftop building. Good times.
They’re all finally seated, he and Jeff crashing together on the long couch. Each of them is holding a bottle of beer in their hands as they watch the game begin on the screen.
The Dallas Cowboys Team members are running into the field and as the crowds in the field are cheering, Jeff gulps his beer with this smug expression and says, “There goes my boys. You two better get ready to see them kick your Giants’ asses tonight.”
Both Jared and Jensen stare incredulously at Jeff. Jeff shrugs under their gazes. “What? I’m a Texan boy after all.”
Jared snorts. “Really? After getting through all the trouble putting on all that hair gel on your hair and spending your money on flashy rides just to make yourself fit in with us New Yorkers, huh?”
Jensen laughs at that and Jared stares at him in awe. He can’t remember the last time he heard Jensen laughing so openly carefree like this, but now he just did that -out of the blue- only because of the joke Jared had casually said.
Jared knows it’s stupid but he can’t help it when his heart is bubbling with pride.
Jeff takes another gulp and grins, ignoring Jared’s mocking. “Well, what can I say, boys. A man’s heart will always return to where it belongs.”
Jared is just about to give Jeff another funny retorts, just for the sake of pulling out another laugh from Jensen, but at the same time the younger man is looking at him with this mischievous glint inside his green eyes and says, “Don’t worry, Jared. Let’s save our insults for later because Dallas Cowboys will surely be groveling in shame after they’re lost. Then we can mock Jeff to death.”
As he watches Jensen grinning from ear to ear, Jared can hear the word we playing again and again inside his head. Returning the same wide grin to Jensen, Jared slumps his back onto the couch, suddenly getting so pumped up with energy and feels like he can do just about anything right now.
“Alright, Jeff. You heard the man.” He says, bringing his bottle into his mouth and takes a gulp, feeling so relaxed and happy as the warm liquid starts to heat his insides. “Bring it on.”
---00o00---
The Giants won, of course. With the mood Jared is in now, there is no way he’ll run out of luck.
Jeff is so dead.
So together with Jensen, he makes a fool out of Jeff until the older man’s ears turned red, claiming his defeat grudgingly in the end just to get both of them off his back. Jeff excuses himself with a grunt half an hour later and Jared is grinning and trading amused gazes with Jensen as they watch Jeff stumbling out of the room, looking a lot like a butthurt drunk.
It’s almost 4 in the morning and Jared thinks he’s drunk too. But he doubts that the alcohol he’d been drinking for the past hours is the single cause. His whole body is thrumming pleasantly and it’s like a heavy burden has been lifted off his shoulder. He feels so relaxed for the first time in weeks that he can’t help but feels a little sleepy.
But Jensen is still there on his couch, eyes watching the commercials on TV as he’s sipping his last drop of beer. And it dawns on Jared that there’s just the two of them here in the room now.
If anything, Jared can always spot a chance when it presents itself in front of his eyes. Quickly, he shakes his sleepiness away and rises up from his seat.
“Hey,” He calls out cheerfully to Jensen. “Wanna help me clean up this mess?”
Jensen looks up to him. He says nothing, but he’s grinning and rises from his seat, grabbing all bottles he can reach off the table and then walks over to the kitchen.
Jared smiles to himself. He can’t remember the last time he felt this good, he muses as he grabs his own share of bottles and follows Jensen.
“You had fun?” Jared asks after a while. They are standing in the kitchen; Jared is putting all the dirty dishes inside the washing machine while Jensen is trying to stuff the garbage can with more empty bottles.
Jensen smiles. “Yep. More than I thought I would.” His face falls slightly as he continues, “It’s been a while since I pulled an all nighters with friends the way I just did with you and Jeff.”
Jared frowns for a moment before his memory clicks in. Right, Jared thinks, Mike and Tom. Of course Jensen misses them.
“Hey, why don’t we invite Mike and Tom over?” Jared says all of a sudden, hoping the idea will cheer Jensen up. “The three of you can have a little reunion over a dinner and if you want, I’ll leave you guys alone and work on some papers in my study.”
Contrary to Jared’s expectation, Jensen’s face instantly loses all its color at hearing it.
“No! ” Jensen responds sharply, fear is clear in his voice and he’s shaking his head in terror as he reiterates that one word.
Jared quickly strides forward, putting comforting arms around Jensen who looks as though he might hyperventilate any second. “Jensen, what is it?” Jared’s face creases deeply in worry. “Calm down. It’s okay. It’s okay, Jen. I got you.” He leads Jensen back into the family room and makes him sit on the couch.
Jared is about to stand up to fetch a glass of water when he feels Jensen’s crushing grip on his arm. He looks down to see Jensen’s terrified expression, his green eyes wide and glistening with tears.
“Please,” Jensen begs with a broken sound. “Please, promise me you will never let them know where I am. Promise me, Jared. ” The grip on Jared’s arm gets even tighter and Jared has to grit his teeth to bear the nearly crushing pain.
He takes a seat next to Jensen. “Shhh… I promise, Jen. I promise. You have my word. Now please be calm, baby. Calm down, okay?” Jared uses his best soothing tone as he rubs Jensen’s shivering back gently.
The words take effect on Jensen instantly. Jared can see him trying so hard to control himself. Slowly, his grip on Jared loosens.
“That’s it, baby.” Jared encourages softly. “Take a deep breath. That’s it. There you go.”
Jensen needs a whole twenty minutes to finally calm down, harsh breathing gone and now he just looks so tired, physically and emotionally as he slumps on his seat. He has let go of his grip on Jared completely, but he doesn’t seem to mind Jared’s soothing hand on his back.
Jared waits for a few more minutes, afraid that what he’s going to ask might upset Jensen again. But the way Jensen is acting at the mere mention of inviting his two best friends over is bugging the hell of out of him. He really needs to know --to understand-- why Jensen reacted the way he did, because knowing how close the three of them were, Jared can’t seem to make sense on this situation.
“I don’t understand…” Jared says softly, carefully watching any of Jensen’s change of expression. “I’m sorry for bringing up the subject on Mike and Tom, Jen. It’s just that… you looked like you’re missing them very much back there in the kitchen. I just thought that maybe it’d make you happy to see them again.”
Jensen is silent for a moment, before looking up at Jared and smiling bitterly, slightly shaking his head. “I do miss them, Jared. But I think it’s better for us to stay apart.” Jensen says, eyes then flicking down. “After what happened, meeting me again won’t do us much good anyway.”
Jared frowns, visibly confused. “From what I gathered, you three are best friends, aren’t you? I don’t get it…”
Jensen’s face darkens all of a sudden. “I’m afraid.” The statement is short and sharp and Jared can hear Jensen’s voice trembling as he’s saying it.
“I’m afraid, okay?” Jensen repeats with hardening expression. “I am no longer the same person they used to know and I don’t think they’d be thrilled to see what kind of person I have become.”
Jared sees the earlier fear is back in Jensen’s eyes and feels like he’s starting to understand what is happening here. “Then how about Jeff?” Jared says after a while. “If you think people will leave you after they know your dark secret, then how come Jeff still stays? Doesn’t it make you wonder?”
Jensen looks away. “Jeff’s different.” He replies, whispering.
“Elaborate different, Jen.” Jared persists. “How the hell can he be any different from those friends you’ve been together with for years?”
Jensen’s lips tightened and his eyes are back on Jared, glaring. Shaking his head stubbornly, he says with hints of anger visible in his expression. “You won’t understand, Jared. And I won’t try to make you. I’m simply asking you a favor and when you’re agreed to do it, I wasn’t expecting you to bitch about it after.”
The sharp statement makes Jared go silent. Realizing how things will surely go south for him if this keeps up, Jared decides to change his tactic.
“Jensen, look at me.” Jared says, choosing his tone carefully. “I’m not trying to preach you here. But l can see how much those two mean to you. I don’t know a lot about them, but I don’t think they’ll appreciate you hiding from them for the rest of your life, Jen. You’re afraid that they’ll hate you for all those things you did, I get that. But I firmly believe they aren’t that shallow. For God sake, you’ve sacrificed yourself to help them. There’s no way they’d turn their back on you after all of that.”
But Jensen says nothing, just looking down at his own entwined fingers. And Jared’s heart is clinched painfully --can’t help it when all the guilt he has been feeling for these past several months doubles up-- as he’s witnessing how Jensen looks so fragile and unsure about himself.
“Listen,” Jared continues, trying hard to control his voice despite all the sadness and self hatred clutching his chest. “Sooner or later, they’ll figure it out, Jen. One day they’ll know that you’re back here, living with me. And you’ll have to prepare yourself to face them, no matter what will happen.”
And when Jensen suddenly looks up at that, creating this long silence stretched between them as he stares at Jared in a way that makes his stomach slowly churn with nausea, Jared seriously feels like fleeing out of the room. And for a reason he can’t yet grasp, he is hoping he would somehow go numb in any second just so he can’t hear or feel anything that might come his way.
“But Jared,” Jensen calls out to him in the end, this time with a voice so soft --treading lightly-- and it only succeeds in making Jared feel worse --because he knows. He fucking knows what Jensen is going to say and it scares the hell out of him.
Jared’s discomfort isn’t unobvious for Jensen, but he continues anyway, green eyes watching him carefully. “I won’t be here for long. You know that. We had a deal, remember? It’ll be just one more week before I’m leaving this house.”
Jared unconsciously grips the side of the couch so tightly that his knuckles go white. “No...” He says loudly, trying to deny the whole thing. “But I thought… I thought that we’re fine now. I thought you’re finally willing to try to accept our fate together…” Jared stutters, only slightly noticing how the table has suddenly turned against him.
Jensen’s expression is hardened at that, reprimanding Jared’s sentence sharply. “There’s no such fate between us, Jared. There’ll never be. I thought I’ve cleared that out with you the whole time.”
“But we’re finally okay, Jen! After what feels so long, we’re finally okay… And you’re… You’re…“ Jared swallows hard, finding it difficult to speak as fresh memories for these last couple of days are flooding his muddled brain: Jensen’s smiling at him; their alliance against Jeff earlier that night; Jensen’s plan on putting some work into those rose bushes; every fucking thing happened that Jared had naively assumed --hoped-- to be improvements.
To think now that they are all just illusions, Jared can feel all the burdens that once gone are back, crushing him even more with their unbearable weight.
“… Why?” Jared croaks out the question weakly.
“You know why.” Jensen replies, sounding as tired. “Look, I’m sorry if the way I play nice lately is giving you the wrong idea. I have my own reasons for that.” He gives Jared an apologetic look, his expression gloomy. “But I meant it when I said that we aren’t cut out for this, Jared. Despite how we both feel about each other, I won’t change my mind. At the end of next week, I’ll be gone. I’ll try to move on with my life and I’m seriously hoping you will do the same with yours.”
Jared is restless now, speechless and frightened. And the fear gets even stronger when he sees Jensen visibly starting to create emotional gaps between himself and Jared and this whole situation they are in. The expression he has on his face is carefully blank now. Those green eyes looking at him with concern earlier have turned empty, and Jared swears it’s like Jensen is trying so hard not to get affected by Jared’s laid-bare misery.
“No, no…” Jared’s panic voice returns and he moves to grab Jensen’s shoulders, desperate in his effort to reach out to him. “You can’t do this to me, Jen. It shouldn’t be like this, dammit!” He shouts, frustrated, almost losing control. Because even if the regret stays (it’ll always stay, Jared will make sure of that), he is assuming that all of the other things will be ending pretty soon: the pain, the hurt, the useless self-beating, the hatred, and all of negative emotions that are surrounding both of them like a black cloud. He thought he had succeeded in crossing this seemingly endless bridge to get into Jensen’s heart.
But then Jensen said all these bullshit and suddenly they’re back to square one. Jared seriously thinks he has no energy left to face this mess all over again.
The first two weeks he had spent on an unresponsive Jensen had drained him out almost completely. So when Jensen was starting to return his smiles, starting to accept what Jared had always wanted to offer, Jared had then carelessly stopped trying so hard. He had stupidly allowed himself to take a deep breath, fully savoring the moment and every single positive gesture Jensen was willing to share with him. He had been slacking off, thinking that probably his long lost happiness was finally here.
And now he’s terrified as hell that he won’t have enough time to catch up where he left off.
“Please, Jensen.” Jared can hear how broken his voice sounded as he’s tightening his grips on Jensen. “Please believe in me. We’ll work it out, I swear to God. I’d do anything to make my amends to you. You just have to stop being stubborn and accept me.” Jared pleads, hoping his words are enough to move Jensen.
Hell, he'll even take Jensen looking at him with pity if that means Jensen will change his mind and give him another chance.
But when Jensen still doesn’t say anything, Jared just can't take it anymore. He leans forward and the next thing he knows is his eyes shut tightly as his lips are touching Jensen's.
It's gentle at first. Jared's tongue is caressing, coaxing, luring Jensen to part and give way. After a moment passes, Jared can feel the rush of thrilling excitement inside him as Jensen is finally giving in to his persuasion. Luscious lips are opened and responding beneath his infiltration.
And the second their tongues mingle, it changes. All of a sudden Jared is wild, demanding, passion obvious in each lick and tangle. The heat surrounding both of them is burning, and Jared's closed eye-lids are fluttering, his whole body is raking with shiver at the sensation. Jared then deepens the kiss. Testing, treading, questioning, all the while pouring all his heart out into it, hoping it'll convince this man in his arms to just let go and surrender.
But then Jensen is backing down. Jared can feel it in the way his body tenses suddenly inside his embrace; tongue stops moving; lips refusing to cooperate further. And suddenly it turns into a one way non-verbal communication. All of those in a matter of seconds.
With dreading fear, Jared knows it's enough of an answer.
So the kiss shifts again. It’s pleading now, Jared is working his lips and tongue desperately; trying to do anything he can to prolong the moment. He refuses to let go, hoping it'll be just a momentary confusion on Jensen's part.
But minute passes, and still Jensen is freezing around his arms. He doesn't protest, doesn't push Jared away, yet his cold lips beneath Jared's feel even colder than he thought possible. They're stiff, and uncompromising. And when Jared opens his eyes, he can see how rigid those darkened green eyes are, confirming Jared that he is doing something useless.
Jared really wants to cry when he finally pulls back, pushes himself to part his wet lips off of Jensen's in a very slow movement. He tries to scoot back a little and it feels like every cell in his body is screaming in sorrow at the loss of Jensen's body heat. The urge to lean back forward is so great that Jared finds himself swaying for a few seconds, his head starting to get dizzy.
"Don't be fooled, Jared." He can hear Jensen talking in the midst of his haze, hints of warning clear in his slightly wavering voice. Then, to Jared's surprise, Jensen leans forward and places a chaste kiss on Jared's lips that sends out the exact opposite messages from what Jared had tried to convey to Jensen with the same gesture before.
Those lips that are pressing on his for just a few seconds taste a lot like separation and goodbye; anything but hope.
"That was just a kiss." Jensen says again, licking his trembling lips and retreats back to his place.
Feeling so helpless and weak, Jared blinks. It's difficult for him to see clearly when tears are pooling in his eyes.
No one says anything for a long time. But then Jensen lets out a sigh. "You've got to let me go, Jared." He whispers, head is shaking slowly. "I don't know if this is what you call 'forgiving'. But I've decided to make peace with our past. I want to end all the pain here, once for all, and that's why I stop acting bitter. I want our last days together to be okay so that I can remember them with a smile on my face."
Jensen lifts one of his hands forward, long fingers slowly resting on Jared's jaw. The older man helplessly pressing his cheek onto the touch, leaning to it completely as if it can give him strength as he's staring into Jensen's eyes, watching woeful shades of hazel gazing back on him intensely.
"But that is all I can offer you." Jensen continues, smiling mournfully. "No matter what you do or say, you can't make me have faith in our future together. I'm still going to leave.” He makes sure to emphasize each word of that last sentence this time.
Jared is sitting there, listening to every word Jensen is saying. And to his horror, Jared finds himself unable to respond to any of it.
“You’d be better off without me, Jared. I’m sure of that.” Jensen says after a while, nodding dolefully to himself with this unreadable expression. “So please, stop trying so hard and just try to live with it." He adds before pulling his hand back and rises up.
This time, Jared can’t even bring himself to look up as Jensen walks out of the room and disappears behind the door.
---00o00---
Jensen slams the door of his room shut behind him, breathing harshly and feeling like his chest is going to explode. Forcing himself to take a deep breath, he slowly drags his feet towards the bed. He finally surrenders to the way his body loses all strength and falls heavily onto the soft comforter.
He closes his eyes, only to bat them open again when images of Jared’s pleading face suddenly flooding his brain.
Jensen had never seen Jared looking so desperate before. The way he kissed Jensen; the feel of his strong fingers gripping Jensen’s shoulders crushingly; the words he told him --all fine and pretty promises-- it’s just too fucking much. Jared’s dire need for Jensen was so transparent that it felt excruciating. Because once again, Jensen could feel himself reconsidering; imagining all the ‘what ifs’ that could happen if only he’s willing to let himself go and reach out for Jared’s extended and opened hand. Once again, Jensen is terrified because for a few seconds back there, he actually found himself wanting to believe; to cast aside the fact that Jared can crush and burn him into piles of ashes; to act unrestrained like he just doesn’t care anymore.
Thank God Jensen had learned to know better. He had learned the difference between dream and reality after all. He had learned it the hard way. His past had taught him well that when it comes to him, heaven on earth can never get that close.
And so he made it. He survived the battle of wills that had just happened. But instead of feeling proud of himself, Jensen is desperately clutching his chest because it feels like his heart has been ripped out and right now there’s this dark and empty hole in its place.
Jensen whimpers. Not sure whether the pain he’s feeling right now is real or it’s just his mind fucking him around. Nevertheless, all he can think of now is Jared, and Jared, and Jared.
God, even when he’s trying so hard, Jensen could never dodge that one cold hard fact:
He’s still madly in love with Jared.
At first, Jensen doesn’t get why --after all that happened and all the horrible things Jared had done to him-- he still acts like a fucking 13 year old girl when Jared is around. He doesn’t understand why it’s so easy for the man to influence him, infiltrating inside his head and his heart and refusing to come out.
But then this one afternoon, Jensen asked Jeff's opinion on this particular concern of his.
Jeff went silent for a moment before finally telling him that perhaps what made him so hard to detach himself from Jared was the existence of their painful past. The effect of all those scars they both had been inflicting on each other was just too damn huge and letting the scars rot wouldn’t fix what had been broken inside them. So Jeff suggested that maybe he had to patch them up instead.
Jensen wrinkled his eyebrow the first time he heard the idea. But Jeff kept bringing up the topic in their next conversations and the more Jensen heard about it, the more it made sense in his head that perhaps the reason behind all his concern lays on his very own fault.
Ever since Jensen was young, his world had been revolving around Jared. He was so used to Jared being the main part of his everyday life that even when Jared finally casted Jensen aside, there was never a day when the thought of him didn't occupy Jensen's mind.
Of course, there were times when Jensen spent it with Mary, keeping her happy and smiling as he was doing everything he could to lessen her discomfort. There were times when Jensen spent it with his not-so-many friends, making pointless conversations just for the sake of escaping the loneliness. There were also times when Jensen spent it alone, trying his best to stay low at school and even lower at home to avoid unwanted attention.
And then, there were times when Jensen spent it with Thomas, gritting his teeth and shutting his eyes closed so he could numb himself from the feel of those disgusting touches.
But even through all of those, he knows he was still thinking about Jared. Memories of him still haunted Jensen on those few years of him living his life with Mike and Tom. And whenever he was with his clients, he couldn’t help but imagined that it was Jared's hand and Jared's mouth coaxing the pleasure out of him.
Jensen's life is totally an umwelt. His surrounding reality is confined, consisting only of himself and Jared and nobody else.
That pathetic fact alone should be enough reason for him to leave, because there would be no way for him to close those chapters of his life with Jared in them if he doesn’t. But God knows how many times Jensen had try to left this house, always bearing a heartache inside his heart, only to find himself returning again and again.
It's like there's a very strong magnet --this unfinished business he always had with Jared-- that keeps pulling him back every time and just wouldn't let go.
That's why, he is determined to make it different this time. If he doesn't want the same thing happen each time he decides to leave everything behind, first thing he needs to do is to end everything nicely. Making peace to himself. Forgetting what he thought was unforgettable.
So that when he's done, he'll finally be able to set off, starting anew and treading fresh memories, doesn't matter if he doubts it’ll be a brighter story. But the point is: he’ll be able to expand his world instead of being trapped in this endless loop of what is destined to be a doomed relationship.
When Jensen shared this new revelation to Jeff, the older man's face turned gloomy and muttered that it wasn't what he meant when he gave Jensen the suggestion. Not at all.
Jensen kept forgetting whose side Jeff is on, so of course he ignored Jeff's objection. He is already dead set on this plan of his anyway. Although it turns out the side-effect it has on Jared is getting too overwhelming.
Now Jensen should be really careful in executing his closure. He can’t lead Jared into having another kernel of false hope. Because then Jared will do things like what he did tonight, and Jensen can’t take risk of being swerved again.
His strength of will has never been too solid when it comes to Jared after all.
---00o00---
You have no idea how fragile I am
Just like a thin layer of frozen ice
A single soft touch would break me
Even when this imperfect love
Rushing all over me all at once
I want to let you know how fragile I am
You have no idea how fragile I am
Still can feel all the hurt in the past
That one time when I loved with all my heart
And I'm broken, and there's this scar
It makes me the way I am now, for eternity
Forever, I'll always be fragile
You want to show the world
That we're exist not just because of what we were
That there are hopes for a fresh start
You're offering me millions of dreams
But the memory never fades away
And I want you to know how fragile I am
You came just like rain
Drenching my dried up soul
But can't you see this pain?
And I'm broken, and there's this scar
It makes me the way I am now, for eternity
Forever, I'll always be fragile
(Joeniar Arif - Rapuh)
TBC
Next chapter: Guess who's knocking on Padalecki Residence's front door?
PS: Question. Am I the only person in this world who is getting all butthurt because of Jensen's engagement to Danneel Harris? LOL
I really need to get a life, don't I?? But I mean, COME ON~ I WANT MY FUCKING TIN HAT BACK, DAMMIT!! *sobs*
Anyway, there'll be just 4-5 chapters before I officially wrap this story up. And you might have noticed that I've used several song lyrics for my story. So I'm thinking of creating OST album for this. Although perhaps no one will want to have a look at it, but I seriously think I have to do something to express my gratitude on these songs that have been accompanying me throughout the process of writing this story. But one thing at a time. First I need to focus on finishing this~!
Character: Jared, Jensen, JDM, Mike Rosenbaum, Tom Welling.
Category: Angst, Romance, Drama, H/C
Warning: Rape/Non-con, underage, Jensen/OMC
Rating: PG-13 for this chapter
Special Note: Super thank you to mymuseandi a.k.a Lin for helping me beta-ing this chapter. You're awesome, bb~! This chapter will be a complete disaster without your help. So THANK YOU~!
Summary:
Jensen is Jared's younger stepbrother. When Jensen was 7, his mother was remarried to Thomas Padalecki, the head of the rich and famous Padalecki family.
Their closeness as child changed after they grew older and Jared found out his feelings toward Jensen. Not wanting to ruin the family, Jared chose to keep his love for Jensen inside and avoid him like crazy instead.
While Jensen was struggling to bear his own misery, he too realized his feelings for Jared, but didn't act on it because he assumed Jared hated him.
After 3 years of escaping from the family, hearing Thomas' death, Jensen decided to come back. Only to face Jared's hatred towards him.
All Jensen wants is a happiness and love with Jared by his side. Can he reach it eventually?
Author notes:
Here's chapter 19, bbs. And to tell the truth, my muse kind of went berserk while I was writing this. All ideas came rushing at once, jumbled up inside my head. And trying to sort them out was truly a pain in my ass.
The point is, I'm not too satisfied with how this particular chapter comes out.
So I'm seriously going to need your feedback on anything you can point a finger at. Be it the writing style, the dialogues, the scenes' description, the redundancy (dear God, look at all those repetitions!), or simply the oddity in character that you can't help but notice. Please, let me know, so I can improve the next chapter better.
Anyway, thanks for the patience. I hope this one works for you too. If it's not, then please spare some time to click on that comment button right there and shoot out all the dissatisfaction. I'll be ready here with my notes :)
Chapter 1 :: Chapter 2 :: Chapter 3 :: Chapter 4 :: Chapter 5
Chapter 6 :: Chapter 7 :: Chapter 8 :: Chapter 9 :: Chapter 10
Chapter 11 :: Chapter 12 :: Chapter 13 :: Chapter 14 :: Chapter 15
Chapter 16 :: Chapter 17 :: Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting
I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and I'll keep paying
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
But I kind of like it
I made my bed and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
That she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over
I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should
Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting
(Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice)
The wind breezes gently, and Jensen yawns, suddenly feels a little sleepy.
“There you are.” A voice, low and terrifyingly familiar pulls Jensen’s mind out of the book he’s reading. He looks up, heart jumping to his throat from fear and he freezes completely when he sees the man standing a few feet in front of him.
“Jeff…” The name comes out in a whisper and Jensen’s grips over the pages get tighter, suddenly wanting the grass below to open up and swallow him whole.
He had forgotten about Jeff. It’s stupid and careless, but his issues with Jared preoccupied his mind enough these days, and he fucking forgot about Jeff.
Jensen curses himself for being such an idiot. And now he has nowhere to run. Great.
“I thought I’d find you here.” Jeff says, crossing the pathway surrounded by rose bushes towards the garden bench where Jensen is sitting. Scanning those bushes with appreciative gazes, Jeff takes a seat next to Jensen. “Those flowers turn out pretty. I’ve always known you have a green thumb, Jen.”
Jensen sits straighter, back tensing as he slowly flips the page of his book close. Jeff is now staring at him, he can tell. But Jensen refuses to look back. Instead he’s watching his fingers as they fiddle with the edge of the book.
“What? No hugs for me?” Jeff says again, voice filled with nothing but gentle fondness. Still, Jensen can’t bring himself to relax, and after a moment of silence, he can hear Jeff sighing.
Jeff stares at the man besides him and he suddenly wants to let out a deep breath of relief. He can’t help but think that despite his own claim of being an atheist, the fact of Jensen being here --safe and sound after all he went through-- is probably the damn closest proof of God’s solid existence he ever encounters.
“It’s so glad to see you again, Jensen.” Jeff says softly, meaning each and every word. “Jared and I were so damn worried, but… you’re here now. That’s all that matters.”
Somehow those words throw Jensen off the edge and all of a sudden, he can feel all these anxiety and fear and shame get mixed up inside him. Never been one to beat around the bush, Jensen ignores the painful clenching of his stomach and hisses loud enough for Jeff to hear. “You know.”
Jeff blinks at that short statement, automatically retorts a few seconds later with a ‘Huh?’
Jensen turns his eyes to Jeff. Even as he’s watching the way Jeff’s handsome face burrowed in confusion, Jensen decides not to buy it.
“You know, don’t you?” Jensen repeats with gritted teeth. “Don’t play dumb with me Jeff. There’s no way Jared didn’t tell you. So stop talking nonsense and just yell or mock me, or whatever it is you’re here to do.”
Jeff frowns, slowly absorbing those words and the whole sight of Jensen in front of him: his much too tight grips over the book he’s holding, his stiffening expression with each and every second of silence stretched between them, his wavering voice, the way he mercilessly bites his own lips so hard. The whole red signs of anxiety and fear which are so clear to see under the bright rays of the sun. And that’s when Jeff gets it.
“You think I’d hate you.” Jeff says slowly, disbelieving. “Those things you did, you’re assuming that it would make me think of you as a lesser man.”
Jensen flinches at those words and Jeff almost gapes at the absurdness of the situation; on how Jensen is being so fucking ridiculous here.
But Jeff knows better than to laugh. He had met lots of people whose life were so fucked up that they couldn’t help but traumatized by it and hated themselves for it. Consequently, they were unconsciously expecting people to hate them too, to condemn them for eternity. And Jensen here is no exception.
“You actually believe I’d be like that, Jen?” The frustration can barely be heard in Jeff’s soft tone.
Jensen stares into Jeff’s eyes for a moment before turning his gaze away. “I wouldn’t blame you if you do.” He shrugs, staring down blankly. “It came with the job description, you know, being looked down on and all.” Looking up, he shakes his head slowly and letting out this laughter that sounds so bitter and broken. “It’s not like I’d give a damn, Jeff. Not anymore.”
Jeff watches as Jensen’s face tries his hardest to look tough and fails at it, suppressing the urge to just scoot closer and embrace Jensen in a hug, just so he can stop him from looking so fucking miserable.
“It’s all in the past, Jensen. You shouldn’t let it get to you for the rest of your life.”
Jensen’s gaze returns to Jeff at that statement, those green eyes are glinting with dark amusement. “The past, huh? Haven’t you caught up with the latest news, Jeff? Because the last time I check, I’m still a whore. Jared pays me good money for my service. And as far as I’m concerned, that fact won’t change any time soon.” Jensen says daringly, chin jutting up. “Don’t think too highly of me, Jeff. Save it for someone else who fits the respectable shoes better.”
Hearing those words, Jeff’s jaw is hardened and his tone is full of warning as he retorts, “Stop trying to make me hate you, Jen. I have never been one who judges his friend so shallowly, and I won’t start now.”
Jensen’s eyes widen, and for a moment he looks so fragile and lost and hopeful at the same time. Jeff’s expression is softening as his heart clenches at the sight. He takes that chance to reach out and holds one of Jensen’s hands in a reassuring grip. “I'll say it one more time.” He whispers gently. “It's so glad to see you again, Jen.”
For a second there Jeff thinks Jensen will cry. Beads of tears are welling up his eyes, making them a pair of glistening greens. But somehow, Jensen manages to stop them from falling down his cheeks, turning his face and awkwardly rubs them all away with his free hand.
Jeff allows Jensen some time to regain his composure before squeezing his fingers. “You know I mean it, right? Each and every word, so you better remember that.”
Jensen doesn’t answer, just nodding frantically as he squeezes Jeff’s fingers back slightly, but it’s enough to make the older man smile.
“So," Jensen clears his throat. "Aside from declaring your eternal love for me, you’re here for another reason, aren’t you?” He says lightly, but there’s clear wariness in his voice.
Jeff isn’t surprised at the question. After all, Jensen is not stupid. Granted, he’s hopeless and such a crybaby when it comes to love --or Jared in most cases-- but he’s never a stupid one.
“Yeah, well.” Jeff shrugs, decides to be as truthful as he can be. Hell, Jensen deserves it. “Let’s just say that Jared thinks he has met a dead end with you.”
Jensen snorts. “And he asked you to save the day? Well, no offense. But you can never make me change my mind, Jeff.” He shakes his head, expression darkening. “Not on this one. Not on him.”
Jeff can see Jensen tensing and quickly says, “Hey, come on, Jen. I’m not here to force you to do anything you don’t want to do. It’s your life and you’re free to live it the way you like it.”
Jensen relaxes once again at hearing that. “I’m sorry.” He says weakly, biting his lips. “It’s just that… I can’t let Jared get to me again, Jeff. I don’t want to be hurt anymore. Is it that wrong to protect yourself from being broken down completely?”
Jeff goes silent for a moment. “No, of course it’s not wrong.” He nods, “I know Jared has done things that you’d find hard to forgive. But listen to me here, Jen. Aside from the entire fucked up things that’s happened in the past, even I can still see how madly in love both of you are with each other. Don’t try to deny it, man.” Jeff says as Jensen is about to open his mouth in protest. “Somehow I know that it’s the truth. Just like that time when I could tell that you’re in love with Jared without you saying a word about it.”
Jensen looks pensive for a moment. “It might be true. But I’ve realized since long time ago that ‘together’ will never be an option for both of us.” He finally answers, almost sadly.
“Okay, I know that the phrase ‘You decide your own destiny’ is one cheesy advice.” Jeff says, cringing at his own words. ”But I'm going to say it anyway, because I always believe that it’s true. Think of it this way, Jensen. Even after everything, the fact is you both are here once again. If you can’t call that destiny, I don’t know what else it should be called.”
Jensen glares at Jeff. “You are starting to sound like Jared. If you’re here to be his devil’s advocate then I’m not sure if I should still be talking to you, Jeff.”
Jeff raises both his hands up, chuckling. “Hey, I’m not taking sides if that’s what you mean. It’d take a whole lot more than just Jared’s annoying phone call in the middle of the night for him to make me his bitch.”
“However, I won’t lie to you.” Jeff continues with a serious tone. “I would do anything to get you both together, because it really pains me to see both of you in this condition, Jen. I know how much you love the guy, even when he’s proven to be dumb as shit. Jared’s feeling for you is still the same, if not ridiculously more. The only thing stopping you guys from kissing and making up is all those scars and painful memories of the past you choose to hang on to. And that’s how this matchmaking business starts to get all fucked up. Because there’s nothing I can do when it comes to that. It’s up to both of you to overcome it.”
Jeff pauses, watching and waiting for Jensen’s reaction. But Jensen’s face is only turning even darker with sadness and something else Jeff can’t recognize, and after long minutes, Jensen still doesn’t say a thing.
Jeff sighs, can’t help but remembering the old days when Jensen would stubbornly clam up closed and be as silent as a statue whenever Jeff mentioned Thomas. Knowing that this might as well be considered as the same situation, Jeff realizes that this is pointless. Perhaps he should try again on better day. “Fine,” Jeff folds. “Since you look like you don’t want to talk about this, I’ll stop here today.”
Jensen relaxes visibly at that.
“But only if you agree to answer my last question.” Jeff continues with a grin.
Jensen is tensing again. “What is it?” He asks cautiously.
Jeff’s eyes are glinting mischievously. “You’re still not going to give me a hug?” He wiggles his eyebrows comically.
Jensen’s burst of laughter is loud and clear in the air and when Jensen moves to embrace him in a hug, Jeff wonders if it is the first time Jensen has laughed like this after a long time.
As he tightens his hands over Jensen’s body --chest swelling with fondness and care for this guy in his arms-- Jeff thinks that it probably is.
---00o00---
Jeff sits there swatting imaginary dust off his pants and gives Jared his best innocent look. “What?” He asks lightly, swallowing an amused smile at the way Jared pouting at him.
“You hugged.” Jared states curtly, throwing daggers with his glare.
Jeff raises his eyebrows. “Yeah, so? You have one of those spying cams installed around the garden now? I thought you were at work, man.”
Jared doesn’t budge, only pouts more. “I just did some asking around.”
Jeff can’t take it anymore and laughs. “Oh, God. You’re unbelievable.” He says, wiping tears off his eyes. “Come on. It’s nothing. It’s just easier for him to lower his defensive walls around me. I am a nice guy after all.”
But Jared’s tone is still all warning when he says, “I’m in enough mess already with Jensen, Jeff. I’m not asking your help just to watch you add another problem into the mix.”
Jeff gapes at Jared’s ridiculous words. “Are you serious? You really think I’d try to take advantage of the situation and snatch away your man? Man, this whole angst has done some serious damage on your brain.”
“Wouldn’t be the first time if you do, you asshole.” Jared grunts with affectionate tone, looking a bit relaxed now.
Jeff rolls his eyes. “Give me a break. It wasn’t like you mind it at those times I did. You were practically itching to get them off your lap. I’m telling you man, you should’ve thanked me for cleaning your shit every time you got bored of whomever it was warming your bed at that time.”
“Oh, of course, I should.” Jared retorts sarcastically. “After all, I was giving you easy pick ups all the time. All you have to do was just show up like a knight in shining armor and sweep those damsels in distress into your arms.”
“Hey,” Jeff gives a fake offended look. “I simply offered a shoulder to cry on. It isn’t my fault if my shoulder is so broad that it can take more than one crying faces at once.”
“You’re such a hopeless jerk.” Jared shakes his head.
But Jeff just grins. “It takes one to know one, Jay. You should be ashamed for dumping them as you please, by the way. They’re actually nice once you really get to know them.”
Jared nods, “Yeah, but they aren’t Jensen.” And Jeff goes silent at the blunt remark as he’s watching the shadow comes back on Jared’s face.
Jared wipes his face with his big hand, looking so tired and lost. “I’m really screwed now, Jeff. I don’t think he can forgive me after all this time. I’ve messed up both of us too much and hurt him too deeply. I just have no clue on what to do anymore.”
“Well, I’d say don’t give up too soon, Jay.” Jeff replies, trying to encourage his best friend. “If there’s anything I got from my conversation with Jensen was that he’s still pretty much in love with you.”
Jared gives him a bitter look. “Yeah, well, not wanting to sound arrogant, but I’ve pretty much figured that out by myself, thank you very much. But it looks like that said fact won’t do me much good, doesn’t it?”
“You just have to give him more time. He’ll get around it sooner or later, I’m sure.”
“But I don’t have much time left, Jeff.” Jared says, frustrated. “That’s why I called you. I just think that there’s no way for me to get to him for now.”
Jeff gives Jared a sympathetic gaze. “There are still a couple of weeks left. Don’t worry, Jay. I’ll try to stop by as often as I can. Just, give me some more time to knock some sense into his head. I’m not saying it’ll be easy. The kid had been through a lot, after all. But it’s not a Mission Impossible.” Jeff says. “We just need to have faith.”
Jared muses over Jeff’s words. Sighing, he knows Jeff is right. He just has to be patient. They can’t rush miracles anyway.
“What should I do while you’re playing mediator?” Jared asks, biting his lips.
Jeff shrugs. “I can only help as much, Jay. You need to figure that out by yourself.” Jeff points his finger to Jared in warning. “Just, don’t do anything stupid. For God’s sake, please refrain yourself from creating another mess, okay? I don’t know if I can help you anymore if you do.”
Jared nods blankly, wondering if it’s possible for him to fuck up the situation more than he already has.
---00o00---
By the end of the third week, Jared can feel his relationship with Jensen has shifted into something better. Not exactly like how he wants it to be, per se, but it’s definitely improving. Jensen’s treatment to him now is much more tolerable and even if Jared still expects more, he and Jensen are now unbelievably getting okay.
Maybe Jeff is right. Maybe it’s not a Mission Impossible after all.
Jared is still jealous as hell at the amount of time Jeff is spending with Jensen every day, but now Jensen is willing to respond his attempt of light conversation over their meal time without sending him killing glares. He no longer flinches every time Jared mentions the topic of their feelings towards each other. He doesn’t say anything to reply Jared’s heartfelt statement, but he doesn’t throw his usual spiteful and biting comments either.
And the most important improvement is that Jensen no longer forces Jared to accept his ‘service’. It makes Jared relieved to no end. Because of all the attitudes Jensen was giving him, that one is torturing Jared the most.
Jared doesn’t know how Jeff’s doing it, but he seriously owes his best friend a whole lot for this. All of a sudden, days are becoming much brighter for Jared; each is filled with rising hopes and expectations.
Just like today, they both are having their breakfast together. Jared eats off of his plate while raking the inside of his head, trying to come up with a topic of a conversation that won’t make Jensen upset. But then Jensen -much to Jared’s surprise- lifts his head to look at Jared and asks, “Do you mind if I put some work into the garden? It’s almost fall, and I think some of the rose bushes could use a little trim.”
Jensen waits for Jared’s reply while the older man is just sitting there gaping, can’t seem to believe his ears. After long minutes, Jared has to bite his lips to hide his gleeful smile as he replies lightly, controlling his voice to keep him from sounding overly bliss. “Sure, go ahead. It is after all due to your hard work that the garden can be as beautiful as it is now, Jen.”
Jensen is blushing, softly muttering a thank you before resuming his breakfast. Jared feels like he can explode at any minute, all this joy swirling inside him.
It seriously makes Jared want to jump off his chair and start dancing, and if Jeff is here right now, Jared’s pretty sure that the bastard will comment on how whipped he is. But Jared just doesn’t fucking care. Jensen is talking about prettying up the garden for the upcoming fall as if he’s thinking about staying longer. Not just for a month like the deal they have agreed on. It’s as if Jensen implying that he’ll stay. For good.
And Jared thinks that the assumption itself deserves a hell of celebration.
He needs to invite Jeff tonight for a drink, perhaps thanking him by giving him his tightest bear hug. But then he gets even a better idea. He’s not sure if it’s going to work but Jared knows he just has to give it a try. Even just imagining Jensen saying yes to what he’s going to ask is making Jared’s whole body thrum with excitement.
“So, Jensen.” Jared starts cautiously, can’t help but feel wary at the possibility of Jensen’s rejection to his proposal. It’ll be fucking awkward --not to mention flattening his already bubbling spirit-- if it happens. “Tonight there’ll be a football match between Giants and Cowboys aired on TV. Jeff and I are planning to crash on the couch, and watch it. There’ll be couple bottles of beers involved in our plan, of course. And Jeff is bringing the pizza over. I remembered that together we used to be big fans of Giants. Would you like to join us?” Jared asks, trying to act casual. Actually, there hasn’t been such a plan made between him and Jeff. But he can always call Jeff right after this to make one.
Jensen stares at him with an unreadable gaze and Jared holds his breath, mentally crossing his fingers. Now that he had spurted out the question, it’s crazy how much he actually wants Jensen to agree on this.
Jensen looks like he’s thinking it over, but then he smiles and shrugs. “Sure. It’ll be fun, I guess.”
And that’s it.
Jared is officially elated now. He feels so light, and he grips his chair tightly or else he’s sure he’ll float at any second. He doesn’t even bother to keep his happiness subtle anymore. His grin is so wide that he can feel his jaw hurting but he just can’t stop grinning.
That bastard Jeff is better not be busy tonight or else Jared will make him regret it by throwing the biggest fit of his life.
---00o00---
Jeff enters Padalecki’s family room that night --juggling 2 boxes of pizza in his hand-- just to be greeted with Jared who is standing near the couch with some bottles of beers in his grips and a smile so bright that it seems to lighten the room.
“Stop smiling. You look like an idiot.” Jeff retorts, swallowing his own grin as he’s walking over to the couch and put the pizza box on the coffee table.
“Say all you want, old man.” Jared replies, grinning even wider. “You can never bring me down tonight.”
Jeff rolls his eyes. Looking around, he asks. “Where’s Jensen?”
Jared is looking up from his peeking into the opened pizza box. “He’s still in his room, saying he’ll be down in a minute.” And then his forehead creases into a worried frown. “You don’t think he’ll cancel our plan tonight, do you? I mean, it has been a while since I buzzed him through intercom, but he still hasn’t showed up.”
Jeff shakes his head, amused. “He’ll be here. God, look at you. You’re so pathetic. I never knew you could be such a girl. Seriously Jared, you’re embarrassing me here.”
Jared blushes and grunts out a shut up and this is not a date, asshole but still the grin is back on his face.
Right at that moment, Jensen enters the room and Jared is blushing even more at the thought of Jensen hearing their ridiculous conversation.
Jeff doesn’t miss that and lets out a chuckle. Jared gives him a glare before greeting Jensen with a warm smile.
Jensen smiles back at Jared, giving Jeff a cheerful Hi before slumping onto one of the single couches laid in the room. Jared swallows a disappointment at seeing that. He was expecting to sit on the same couch as Jensen, would have been even better if it turned out they sat side by side. But he guesses he has to be satisfied with Jensen sitting a little far from him.
Realizing the line of his thought, Jared cringes because Jeff is right. For God sake, he does act like a girl. He needs to stop before he starts to look creepy and ruin the night.
It’s not an easy thing to do, though. His blood is buzzing with happiness and the way he feels so high reminds him of those times when he and Jeff tried out some weed out of curiosity on their high school rooftop building. Good times.
They’re all finally seated, he and Jeff crashing together on the long couch. Each of them is holding a bottle of beer in their hands as they watch the game begin on the screen.
The Dallas Cowboys Team members are running into the field and as the crowds in the field are cheering, Jeff gulps his beer with this smug expression and says, “There goes my boys. You two better get ready to see them kick your Giants’ asses tonight.”
Both Jared and Jensen stare incredulously at Jeff. Jeff shrugs under their gazes. “What? I’m a Texan boy after all.”
Jared snorts. “Really? After getting through all the trouble putting on all that hair gel on your hair and spending your money on flashy rides just to make yourself fit in with us New Yorkers, huh?”
Jensen laughs at that and Jared stares at him in awe. He can’t remember the last time he heard Jensen laughing so openly carefree like this, but now he just did that -out of the blue- only because of the joke Jared had casually said.
Jared knows it’s stupid but he can’t help it when his heart is bubbling with pride.
Jeff takes another gulp and grins, ignoring Jared’s mocking. “Well, what can I say, boys. A man’s heart will always return to where it belongs.”
Jared is just about to give Jeff another funny retorts, just for the sake of pulling out another laugh from Jensen, but at the same time the younger man is looking at him with this mischievous glint inside his green eyes and says, “Don’t worry, Jared. Let’s save our insults for later because Dallas Cowboys will surely be groveling in shame after they’re lost. Then we can mock Jeff to death.”
As he watches Jensen grinning from ear to ear, Jared can hear the word we playing again and again inside his head. Returning the same wide grin to Jensen, Jared slumps his back onto the couch, suddenly getting so pumped up with energy and feels like he can do just about anything right now.
“Alright, Jeff. You heard the man.” He says, bringing his bottle into his mouth and takes a gulp, feeling so relaxed and happy as the warm liquid starts to heat his insides. “Bring it on.”
---00o00---
The Giants won, of course. With the mood Jared is in now, there is no way he’ll run out of luck.
Jeff is so dead.
So together with Jensen, he makes a fool out of Jeff until the older man’s ears turned red, claiming his defeat grudgingly in the end just to get both of them off his back. Jeff excuses himself with a grunt half an hour later and Jared is grinning and trading amused gazes with Jensen as they watch Jeff stumbling out of the room, looking a lot like a butthurt drunk.
It’s almost 4 in the morning and Jared thinks he’s drunk too. But he doubts that the alcohol he’d been drinking for the past hours is the single cause. His whole body is thrumming pleasantly and it’s like a heavy burden has been lifted off his shoulder. He feels so relaxed for the first time in weeks that he can’t help but feels a little sleepy.
But Jensen is still there on his couch, eyes watching the commercials on TV as he’s sipping his last drop of beer. And it dawns on Jared that there’s just the two of them here in the room now.
If anything, Jared can always spot a chance when it presents itself in front of his eyes. Quickly, he shakes his sleepiness away and rises up from his seat.
“Hey,” He calls out cheerfully to Jensen. “Wanna help me clean up this mess?”
Jensen looks up to him. He says nothing, but he’s grinning and rises from his seat, grabbing all bottles he can reach off the table and then walks over to the kitchen.
Jared smiles to himself. He can’t remember the last time he felt this good, he muses as he grabs his own share of bottles and follows Jensen.
“You had fun?” Jared asks after a while. They are standing in the kitchen; Jared is putting all the dirty dishes inside the washing machine while Jensen is trying to stuff the garbage can with more empty bottles.
Jensen smiles. “Yep. More than I thought I would.” His face falls slightly as he continues, “It’s been a while since I pulled an all nighters with friends the way I just did with you and Jeff.”
Jared frowns for a moment before his memory clicks in. Right, Jared thinks, Mike and Tom. Of course Jensen misses them.
“Hey, why don’t we invite Mike and Tom over?” Jared says all of a sudden, hoping the idea will cheer Jensen up. “The three of you can have a little reunion over a dinner and if you want, I’ll leave you guys alone and work on some papers in my study.”
Contrary to Jared’s expectation, Jensen’s face instantly loses all its color at hearing it.
“No! ” Jensen responds sharply, fear is clear in his voice and he’s shaking his head in terror as he reiterates that one word.
Jared quickly strides forward, putting comforting arms around Jensen who looks as though he might hyperventilate any second. “Jensen, what is it?” Jared’s face creases deeply in worry. “Calm down. It’s okay. It’s okay, Jen. I got you.” He leads Jensen back into the family room and makes him sit on the couch.
Jared is about to stand up to fetch a glass of water when he feels Jensen’s crushing grip on his arm. He looks down to see Jensen’s terrified expression, his green eyes wide and glistening with tears.
“Please,” Jensen begs with a broken sound. “Please, promise me you will never let them know where I am. Promise me, Jared. ” The grip on Jared’s arm gets even tighter and Jared has to grit his teeth to bear the nearly crushing pain.
He takes a seat next to Jensen. “Shhh… I promise, Jen. I promise. You have my word. Now please be calm, baby. Calm down, okay?” Jared uses his best soothing tone as he rubs Jensen’s shivering back gently.
The words take effect on Jensen instantly. Jared can see him trying so hard to control himself. Slowly, his grip on Jared loosens.
“That’s it, baby.” Jared encourages softly. “Take a deep breath. That’s it. There you go.”
Jensen needs a whole twenty minutes to finally calm down, harsh breathing gone and now he just looks so tired, physically and emotionally as he slumps on his seat. He has let go of his grip on Jared completely, but he doesn’t seem to mind Jared’s soothing hand on his back.
Jared waits for a few more minutes, afraid that what he’s going to ask might upset Jensen again. But the way Jensen is acting at the mere mention of inviting his two best friends over is bugging the hell of out of him. He really needs to know --to understand-- why Jensen reacted the way he did, because knowing how close the three of them were, Jared can’t seem to make sense on this situation.
“I don’t understand…” Jared says softly, carefully watching any of Jensen’s change of expression. “I’m sorry for bringing up the subject on Mike and Tom, Jen. It’s just that… you looked like you’re missing them very much back there in the kitchen. I just thought that maybe it’d make you happy to see them again.”
Jensen is silent for a moment, before looking up at Jared and smiling bitterly, slightly shaking his head. “I do miss them, Jared. But I think it’s better for us to stay apart.” Jensen says, eyes then flicking down. “After what happened, meeting me again won’t do us much good anyway.”
Jared frowns, visibly confused. “From what I gathered, you three are best friends, aren’t you? I don’t get it…”
Jensen’s face darkens all of a sudden. “I’m afraid.” The statement is short and sharp and Jared can hear Jensen’s voice trembling as he’s saying it.
“I’m afraid, okay?” Jensen repeats with hardening expression. “I am no longer the same person they used to know and I don’t think they’d be thrilled to see what kind of person I have become.”
Jared sees the earlier fear is back in Jensen’s eyes and feels like he’s starting to understand what is happening here. “Then how about Jeff?” Jared says after a while. “If you think people will leave you after they know your dark secret, then how come Jeff still stays? Doesn’t it make you wonder?”
Jensen looks away. “Jeff’s different.” He replies, whispering.
“Elaborate different, Jen.” Jared persists. “How the hell can he be any different from those friends you’ve been together with for years?”
Jensen’s lips tightened and his eyes are back on Jared, glaring. Shaking his head stubbornly, he says with hints of anger visible in his expression. “You won’t understand, Jared. And I won’t try to make you. I’m simply asking you a favor and when you’re agreed to do it, I wasn’t expecting you to bitch about it after.”
The sharp statement makes Jared go silent. Realizing how things will surely go south for him if this keeps up, Jared decides to change his tactic.
“Jensen, look at me.” Jared says, choosing his tone carefully. “I’m not trying to preach you here. But l can see how much those two mean to you. I don’t know a lot about them, but I don’t think they’ll appreciate you hiding from them for the rest of your life, Jen. You’re afraid that they’ll hate you for all those things you did, I get that. But I firmly believe they aren’t that shallow. For God sake, you’ve sacrificed yourself to help them. There’s no way they’d turn their back on you after all of that.”
But Jensen says nothing, just looking down at his own entwined fingers. And Jared’s heart is clinched painfully --can’t help it when all the guilt he has been feeling for these past several months doubles up-- as he’s witnessing how Jensen looks so fragile and unsure about himself.
“Listen,” Jared continues, trying hard to control his voice despite all the sadness and self hatred clutching his chest. “Sooner or later, they’ll figure it out, Jen. One day they’ll know that you’re back here, living with me. And you’ll have to prepare yourself to face them, no matter what will happen.”
And when Jensen suddenly looks up at that, creating this long silence stretched between them as he stares at Jared in a way that makes his stomach slowly churn with nausea, Jared seriously feels like fleeing out of the room. And for a reason he can’t yet grasp, he is hoping he would somehow go numb in any second just so he can’t hear or feel anything that might come his way.
“But Jared,” Jensen calls out to him in the end, this time with a voice so soft --treading lightly-- and it only succeeds in making Jared feel worse --because he knows. He fucking knows what Jensen is going to say and it scares the hell out of him.
Jared’s discomfort isn’t unobvious for Jensen, but he continues anyway, green eyes watching him carefully. “I won’t be here for long. You know that. We had a deal, remember? It’ll be just one more week before I’m leaving this house.”
Jared unconsciously grips the side of the couch so tightly that his knuckles go white. “No...” He says loudly, trying to deny the whole thing. “But I thought… I thought that we’re fine now. I thought you’re finally willing to try to accept our fate together…” Jared stutters, only slightly noticing how the table has suddenly turned against him.
Jensen’s expression is hardened at that, reprimanding Jared’s sentence sharply. “There’s no such fate between us, Jared. There’ll never be. I thought I’ve cleared that out with you the whole time.”
“But we’re finally okay, Jen! After what feels so long, we’re finally okay… And you’re… You’re…“ Jared swallows hard, finding it difficult to speak as fresh memories for these last couple of days are flooding his muddled brain: Jensen’s smiling at him; their alliance against Jeff earlier that night; Jensen’s plan on putting some work into those rose bushes; every fucking thing happened that Jared had naively assumed --hoped-- to be improvements.
To think now that they are all just illusions, Jared can feel all the burdens that once gone are back, crushing him even more with their unbearable weight.
“… Why?” Jared croaks out the question weakly.
“You know why.” Jensen replies, sounding as tired. “Look, I’m sorry if the way I play nice lately is giving you the wrong idea. I have my own reasons for that.” He gives Jared an apologetic look, his expression gloomy. “But I meant it when I said that we aren’t cut out for this, Jared. Despite how we both feel about each other, I won’t change my mind. At the end of next week, I’ll be gone. I’ll try to move on with my life and I’m seriously hoping you will do the same with yours.”
Jared is restless now, speechless and frightened. And the fear gets even stronger when he sees Jensen visibly starting to create emotional gaps between himself and Jared and this whole situation they are in. The expression he has on his face is carefully blank now. Those green eyes looking at him with concern earlier have turned empty, and Jared swears it’s like Jensen is trying so hard not to get affected by Jared’s laid-bare misery.
“No, no…” Jared’s panic voice returns and he moves to grab Jensen’s shoulders, desperate in his effort to reach out to him. “You can’t do this to me, Jen. It shouldn’t be like this, dammit!” He shouts, frustrated, almost losing control. Because even if the regret stays (it’ll always stay, Jared will make sure of that), he is assuming that all of the other things will be ending pretty soon: the pain, the hurt, the useless self-beating, the hatred, and all of negative emotions that are surrounding both of them like a black cloud. He thought he had succeeded in crossing this seemingly endless bridge to get into Jensen’s heart.
But then Jensen said all these bullshit and suddenly they’re back to square one. Jared seriously thinks he has no energy left to face this mess all over again.
The first two weeks he had spent on an unresponsive Jensen had drained him out almost completely. So when Jensen was starting to return his smiles, starting to accept what Jared had always wanted to offer, Jared had then carelessly stopped trying so hard. He had stupidly allowed himself to take a deep breath, fully savoring the moment and every single positive gesture Jensen was willing to share with him. He had been slacking off, thinking that probably his long lost happiness was finally here.
And now he’s terrified as hell that he won’t have enough time to catch up where he left off.
“Please, Jensen.” Jared can hear how broken his voice sounded as he’s tightening his grips on Jensen. “Please believe in me. We’ll work it out, I swear to God. I’d do anything to make my amends to you. You just have to stop being stubborn and accept me.” Jared pleads, hoping his words are enough to move Jensen.
Hell, he'll even take Jensen looking at him with pity if that means Jensen will change his mind and give him another chance.
But when Jensen still doesn’t say anything, Jared just can't take it anymore. He leans forward and the next thing he knows is his eyes shut tightly as his lips are touching Jensen's.
It's gentle at first. Jared's tongue is caressing, coaxing, luring Jensen to part and give way. After a moment passes, Jared can feel the rush of thrilling excitement inside him as Jensen is finally giving in to his persuasion. Luscious lips are opened and responding beneath his infiltration.
And the second their tongues mingle, it changes. All of a sudden Jared is wild, demanding, passion obvious in each lick and tangle. The heat surrounding both of them is burning, and Jared's closed eye-lids are fluttering, his whole body is raking with shiver at the sensation. Jared then deepens the kiss. Testing, treading, questioning, all the while pouring all his heart out into it, hoping it'll convince this man in his arms to just let go and surrender.
But then Jensen is backing down. Jared can feel it in the way his body tenses suddenly inside his embrace; tongue stops moving; lips refusing to cooperate further. And suddenly it turns into a one way non-verbal communication. All of those in a matter of seconds.
With dreading fear, Jared knows it's enough of an answer.
So the kiss shifts again. It’s pleading now, Jared is working his lips and tongue desperately; trying to do anything he can to prolong the moment. He refuses to let go, hoping it'll be just a momentary confusion on Jensen's part.
But minute passes, and still Jensen is freezing around his arms. He doesn't protest, doesn't push Jared away, yet his cold lips beneath Jared's feel even colder than he thought possible. They're stiff, and uncompromising. And when Jared opens his eyes, he can see how rigid those darkened green eyes are, confirming Jared that he is doing something useless.
Jared really wants to cry when he finally pulls back, pushes himself to part his wet lips off of Jensen's in a very slow movement. He tries to scoot back a little and it feels like every cell in his body is screaming in sorrow at the loss of Jensen's body heat. The urge to lean back forward is so great that Jared finds himself swaying for a few seconds, his head starting to get dizzy.
"Don't be fooled, Jared." He can hear Jensen talking in the midst of his haze, hints of warning clear in his slightly wavering voice. Then, to Jared's surprise, Jensen leans forward and places a chaste kiss on Jared's lips that sends out the exact opposite messages from what Jared had tried to convey to Jensen with the same gesture before.
Those lips that are pressing on his for just a few seconds taste a lot like separation and goodbye; anything but hope.
"That was just a kiss." Jensen says again, licking his trembling lips and retreats back to his place.
Feeling so helpless and weak, Jared blinks. It's difficult for him to see clearly when tears are pooling in his eyes.
No one says anything for a long time. But then Jensen lets out a sigh. "You've got to let me go, Jared." He whispers, head is shaking slowly. "I don't know if this is what you call 'forgiving'. But I've decided to make peace with our past. I want to end all the pain here, once for all, and that's why I stop acting bitter. I want our last days together to be okay so that I can remember them with a smile on my face."
Jensen lifts one of his hands forward, long fingers slowly resting on Jared's jaw. The older man helplessly pressing his cheek onto the touch, leaning to it completely as if it can give him strength as he's staring into Jensen's eyes, watching woeful shades of hazel gazing back on him intensely.
"But that is all I can offer you." Jensen continues, smiling mournfully. "No matter what you do or say, you can't make me have faith in our future together. I'm still going to leave.” He makes sure to emphasize each word of that last sentence this time.
Jared is sitting there, listening to every word Jensen is saying. And to his horror, Jared finds himself unable to respond to any of it.
“You’d be better off without me, Jared. I’m sure of that.” Jensen says after a while, nodding dolefully to himself with this unreadable expression. “So please, stop trying so hard and just try to live with it." He adds before pulling his hand back and rises up.
This time, Jared can’t even bring himself to look up as Jensen walks out of the room and disappears behind the door.
---00o00---
Jensen slams the door of his room shut behind him, breathing harshly and feeling like his chest is going to explode. Forcing himself to take a deep breath, he slowly drags his feet towards the bed. He finally surrenders to the way his body loses all strength and falls heavily onto the soft comforter.
He closes his eyes, only to bat them open again when images of Jared’s pleading face suddenly flooding his brain.
Jensen had never seen Jared looking so desperate before. The way he kissed Jensen; the feel of his strong fingers gripping Jensen’s shoulders crushingly; the words he told him --all fine and pretty promises-- it’s just too fucking much. Jared’s dire need for Jensen was so transparent that it felt excruciating. Because once again, Jensen could feel himself reconsidering; imagining all the ‘what ifs’ that could happen if only he’s willing to let himself go and reach out for Jared’s extended and opened hand. Once again, Jensen is terrified because for a few seconds back there, he actually found himself wanting to believe; to cast aside the fact that Jared can crush and burn him into piles of ashes; to act unrestrained like he just doesn’t care anymore.
Thank God Jensen had learned to know better. He had learned the difference between dream and reality after all. He had learned it the hard way. His past had taught him well that when it comes to him, heaven on earth can never get that close.
And so he made it. He survived the battle of wills that had just happened. But instead of feeling proud of himself, Jensen is desperately clutching his chest because it feels like his heart has been ripped out and right now there’s this dark and empty hole in its place.
Jensen whimpers. Not sure whether the pain he’s feeling right now is real or it’s just his mind fucking him around. Nevertheless, all he can think of now is Jared, and Jared, and Jared.
God, even when he’s trying so hard, Jensen could never dodge that one cold hard fact:
He’s still madly in love with Jared.
At first, Jensen doesn’t get why --after all that happened and all the horrible things Jared had done to him-- he still acts like a fucking 13 year old girl when Jared is around. He doesn’t understand why it’s so easy for the man to influence him, infiltrating inside his head and his heart and refusing to come out.
But then this one afternoon, Jensen asked Jeff's opinion on this particular concern of his.
Jeff went silent for a moment before finally telling him that perhaps what made him so hard to detach himself from Jared was the existence of their painful past. The effect of all those scars they both had been inflicting on each other was just too damn huge and letting the scars rot wouldn’t fix what had been broken inside them. So Jeff suggested that maybe he had to patch them up instead.
Jensen wrinkled his eyebrow the first time he heard the idea. But Jeff kept bringing up the topic in their next conversations and the more Jensen heard about it, the more it made sense in his head that perhaps the reason behind all his concern lays on his very own fault.
Ever since Jensen was young, his world had been revolving around Jared. He was so used to Jared being the main part of his everyday life that even when Jared finally casted Jensen aside, there was never a day when the thought of him didn't occupy Jensen's mind.
Of course, there were times when Jensen spent it with Mary, keeping her happy and smiling as he was doing everything he could to lessen her discomfort. There were times when Jensen spent it with his not-so-many friends, making pointless conversations just for the sake of escaping the loneliness. There were also times when Jensen spent it alone, trying his best to stay low at school and even lower at home to avoid unwanted attention.
And then, there were times when Jensen spent it with Thomas, gritting his teeth and shutting his eyes closed so he could numb himself from the feel of those disgusting touches.
But even through all of those, he knows he was still thinking about Jared. Memories of him still haunted Jensen on those few years of him living his life with Mike and Tom. And whenever he was with his clients, he couldn’t help but imagined that it was Jared's hand and Jared's mouth coaxing the pleasure out of him.
Jensen's life is totally an umwelt. His surrounding reality is confined, consisting only of himself and Jared and nobody else.
That pathetic fact alone should be enough reason for him to leave, because there would be no way for him to close those chapters of his life with Jared in them if he doesn’t. But God knows how many times Jensen had try to left this house, always bearing a heartache inside his heart, only to find himself returning again and again.
It's like there's a very strong magnet --this unfinished business he always had with Jared-- that keeps pulling him back every time and just wouldn't let go.
That's why, he is determined to make it different this time. If he doesn't want the same thing happen each time he decides to leave everything behind, first thing he needs to do is to end everything nicely. Making peace to himself. Forgetting what he thought was unforgettable.
So that when he's done, he'll finally be able to set off, starting anew and treading fresh memories, doesn't matter if he doubts it’ll be a brighter story. But the point is: he’ll be able to expand his world instead of being trapped in this endless loop of what is destined to be a doomed relationship.
When Jensen shared this new revelation to Jeff, the older man's face turned gloomy and muttered that it wasn't what he meant when he gave Jensen the suggestion. Not at all.
Jensen kept forgetting whose side Jeff is on, so of course he ignored Jeff's objection. He is already dead set on this plan of his anyway. Although it turns out the side-effect it has on Jared is getting too overwhelming.
Now Jensen should be really careful in executing his closure. He can’t lead Jared into having another kernel of false hope. Because then Jared will do things like what he did tonight, and Jensen can’t take risk of being swerved again.
His strength of will has never been too solid when it comes to Jared after all.
---00o00---
You have no idea how fragile I am
Just like a thin layer of frozen ice
A single soft touch would break me
Even when this imperfect love
Rushing all over me all at once
I want to let you know how fragile I am
You have no idea how fragile I am
Still can feel all the hurt in the past
That one time when I loved with all my heart
And I'm broken, and there's this scar
It makes me the way I am now, for eternity
Forever, I'll always be fragile
You want to show the world
That we're exist not just because of what we were
That there are hopes for a fresh start
You're offering me millions of dreams
But the memory never fades away
And I want you to know how fragile I am
You came just like rain
Drenching my dried up soul
But can't you see this pain?
And I'm broken, and there's this scar
It makes me the way I am now, for eternity
Forever, I'll always be fragile
(Joeniar Arif - Rapuh)
TBC
Next chapter: Guess who's knocking on Padalecki Residence's front door?
PS: Question. Am I the only person in this world who is getting all butthurt because of Jensen's engagement to Danneel Harris? LOL
I really need to get a life, don't I?? But I mean, COME ON~ I WANT MY FUCKING TIN HAT BACK, DAMMIT!! *sobs*
Anyway, there'll be just 4-5 chapters before I officially wrap this story up. And you might have noticed that I've used several song lyrics for my story. So I'm thinking of creating OST album for this. Although perhaps no one will want to have a look at it, but I seriously think I have to do something to express my gratitude on these songs that have been accompanying me throughout the process of writing this story. But one thing at a time. First I need to focus on finishing this~!