THEATRICS!
Romance Is Dead
The Given Circumstances
Characters: Miles: twenty-year-old college student with unkempt hair and dressed in a pair of cargo pants with a long-sleeve dress shirt covered by a far from pristine sweater. Fairly weathered pair of tennis shoes, but still completely functional.
Cynicism: unkempt hair wearing a pink t-shirt and torn up jeans. T-shirt says, “Jesus touched me and now I need counseling.” Also wearing ratty, old tennis shoes that are barely functional.
Romance: dressed in a fine suit, well styled hair, nice shoes.
Lily: pretty, twenty-year-old college student wearing nice pair of jeans and a nice tight sweater.
Location: A typical run of the mill college classroom with table/desks wide enough for two people.
Time: School year sometime in 2005.
Miles is sitting alone at the desk moving his head back and forth as if watching the other students come walking in.
Miles
I hope she shows up today; it’s been quite a while.
Romance enters the scene and comes walking up behind him.
Romance
Yes, the company would be a lovely benefit to attending class and perhaps something might bloom.
Cynicism enters the scene smoking a cigarette standing behind Miles and next to Romance. Romance acknowledges him.
Cynicism
(sarcastically) Many apologies for the belatedness I constrained you to partake of for the disposal fixture birthed from an amalgamation of conduits pertaining to the departures and arrivals of liquids differentiating in both odor and color beckoned with a most distraught heed. I responded to this salubrious contention with an intention of the utmost justification, which, in effect, segued into a deliberation of a seemingly endless duration touching upon the ramifications surrounding the dietary strategy established solely on gastronomy of a rather Mexican derivation. I flippantly emanated my concluding argument upon its serene demeanor instigating a modest victory of a cantankerous debate as its perspective hastened in a retreat, coiling and descending, only to reestablish its deportment.
Romance
What?
Cynicism
(pointing over his shoulder with his thumb elongated) Shitter. Anyhoo, what the fuck are we talking about?
Lily enters the scene. All three acknowledge and follow her with their gazes as she sits down.
Miles
(to Lily) Hey.
Cynicism
(sarcastically) Oh, her.
Lily
(to Miles) Hey. What’s going on?
Miles
Not much. Just waiting to get my learn on. (Lily slightly giggles) What about you?
Cynicism
(heavily sarcastic) Ooooh. You made her laugh; it must be a sign.
Romance
(to Cynicism) Stop mocking me.
Cynicism
(to Romance) Shut up.
Lily
About the same. Well it seems we’ll have to cut this short; it appears it’s time to get our learning on.
Lily and Miles take out notebooks and pens and act as if their taking notes, but Miles stops as if lost in thought glancing back and forth between his notebook and looking at Lily.
Romance
Well apparently she liked the line.
Cynicism
Apparently she’s retarded. Why the hell are you so enraptured by her? You have no backbone; nothing is ever going to happen.
Romance
You never know; these types of things tend to blossom when you least expect it.
Cynicism
Yeah, in the fucking movies. This is real life and if we’ve learned anything real life is shit. Just give up already. Besides in the movies the guys stalk the women; you barely have enough courage to maintain a conversation past the opening remarks. It’s just so fucking pathetic; it’s like watching the Special Olympics.
Romance
Well that was a little harsh.
Cynicism
And a lotta true.
Romance
Why are you so against this? We could all gain so much from this. I mean just imagine it.
Cynicism
(Grabbing his crotch) Imagine this. What am I saying imagine? We’ll be seeing it later tonight.
Romance
May I continue?
Cynicism
Please. I need some entertainment.
Romance
Just imagine it: young lovers laying in a tight, enduring embrace, the tender touch of her soft, luscious lips upon yours, the sensual pleasure of two bodies enthralled in passionate love connecting in a significant profoundness.
Cynicism
Whatever, Nicolas Sparks, but you’re forgetting the most important part: you get to fondle some titties. Some amazing titties I might add. But seriously though why the hell did the Trojan condoms go with that name? I mean we’re talking about a group of people who were effectively defeated by wood; not really something you want people thinking about as their considering which condom to purchase. Magnums are what you want. People think Dirty Harry; he’ll fuckin’ shoot the sperm dead. I mean he was in a movie called Dead Pool.
Romance
Do you ruin everything?
Cynicism
No, I just hate you.
Romance
Why?
Cynicism
Because you get so hung up on this feeling of “love” completely inhibiting you from seeing their glaringly apparent faults.
Romance
Like what?
Cynicism
Like Regina. Absolute snatch.
Romance
No, she wasn’t she was just…
Cynicism
(Interrupting) Rachael. Completely bat-shit fucking bonkers.
Romance
Well, she had some times when…
Cynicism
Laura. Mormon.
Romance
What does that have anything…
Cynicism
And then there’s Erin.
Romance
What about her?
Cynicism
You mean besides the fact she used us and then ditched us, completely ignoring any attempt at contacting her? Utterly demolishing any hopes of being happy again. Sending you retreating into a shell, unwilling to come out for six goddamn months, something in which I loved her for. You mean asides from that? Not a fucking thing!
Romance
I see, but this time, though, it’s different.
Cynicism
How so? The fact that your fantasy of her is still intact? Go ahead get to know her; it’ll be good for a while sharing fun times, making love as you put it, but eventually you’ll tire of her realizing she doesn’t’ live up to the fantasy; the perfect, divine light you shine upon her. She never could. She is human after all.
Lily begins gathering her things. Miles looks startled for a second. Cynicism and Romance look at Lily.
Miles
(to Lily) Huh? What’s going on?
Lily
Daydreaming?
Miles
I guess.
Lily
He’s letting us out early.
Miles
Really?
Lily
Yeah, it’s a nice change of pace.
Miles
Yeah, it is. Say what are you up to now that you have some free time?
Lily pushes her chair back away from the table and stands up.
Lily
Well, I’m really tired, so I was thinking of going home and taking a nap before going to work.
Lily begins walking away as Cynicism, Romance, and Miles watch her.
Miles
Oh. Well, you do that and have a good one. I’ll see you Thursday.
Lily
Alright. I’ll be looking forward to it.
Romance
Wait. Was that a sign?
Cynicism
(mockingly) Was that a sign?
Cynicism punches Romance in the back of the head knocking him to the ground where he then continues beating him. Miles sighs while dropping his head in a depressing manner before getting up and walking out. As he walks out and after, Cynicism is still beating Romance savagely; laughing manically as he does it. End.