(no subject)
WARNING: The following is simply a persona speaking. The author does not necessarily share its views. If you are entertained: good. If you are offended: even better. That oughta settle the s-o-bs. What? They read that? Ah fu-
I got tired of bitching about MTV; Long story short, it’s a crack addicted baby that should have been aborted long ago, but because of the Catholic Church, the Christian Coalition, and various other fuck-jobs it was born into a world that doesn’t want it. Well I guess that statement isn’t completely true; the retards still want it, but then again they’re retarded so they don’t really count. We pretend; we gave them their own Olympics, but it’s not really a sport if everyone wins. They need to learn about disappointment; you know what their parents felt when they were born. Now don’t say that’s a harsh statement because you would be a liar. Think about it. If a gun was placed in your hand and you were forced to kill someone with your choices being a retard and oh I don’t know, a nuclear biologist, who would you kill? Remember if you choose no one, they’ll kill your family and if you don’t have a family well they’ll just torture you for three weeks and then kill you. Wow, that’s just morbid.
On the subject of morbid, let’s discuss you. Not the you in specific, but the you in general; the you that involves me as well. I realize that to many Live Journal is a venue to vent, to discuss problems in your life, or the successes, but could you please try to at least make it entertaining? I mean this isn’t like you’re writing in a diary where the only ones involved are you, yourself, and the blank pages of that book slowly being filled. No one’s going to read it because no one would care to; you obviously don’t have any friends because you’re writing in a god damn diary. What are you, an angst ridden thirteen-year-old girl? Are you getting hair where there was none before? Are you upset because your breasts aren’t developing fast enough? Did your vagina start to bleed?
Things are different when they’re transferred to that world in a box called the Inter-Tron; it’s filled to the brim with losers, assholes, liars, judgmental fucks, fetishists, bitching assholes, and well you know anyone who’s only on the web to look at porn. I suppose there are some other types sprinkled among the mass of sex addicts and chronic masturbators, but interest in their sexless production is waning at best. If you’re going to share your pathetic life with a bunch of random strangers on the Net, then you had better fucking well make it worth sharing. How can I do this? I’m glad you asked and if you didn’t well you fucking should. Asshole.
See that’s the first lesson: throw in random swear words. People are stupid, so intelligent humor makes them feel inferior, which they are, and angers them. Bad things happen when stupid people are angry. The Civil War makes a profound historical case for this. Just remember curse words equal instant hilarity. Here’s an example: “My life sucks. I broke up with what’s her name because she’s been cheating on me for quite some time.” See that’s bland and trite, but throw in a few random phrases filled with cussing and other obscenities and you are well on your way to having an amusing little anecdote despite the illegitimacy. Observe: “My life fucking sucks. It’s like I’ve been fucked up the ass by a cactus, without lube. I broke up with that cunt (this word garners attention and often anger, use it often) I’ve been seeing because she’s a fucking whore.” The statement is still cliché, but not bland.
The second lesson involves embellishment or outright lying. Remember you want to grab the reader’s attention and make it worth their time to read your worthless dribble. They could be looking at porn, but they broke away from their important schedule to give you some time; don’t make their decision one they’ll regret. Don’t do this: “I saw Brad in class today; he’s that cute guy I’ve been crushing on all semester. I still haven’t got the guts to talk to him yet, but he smiled at me. It just lit up my day; it made me feel special and pretty. Rainbows shot from my ass.” Sorry about that last part, but I couldn’t bring myself to finish it the way it was suppose to be because well in short statements like that just make me want to vomit. People will likely have no idea who the hell you are talking about so here’s something you can do instead: “ I saw Brad today in class and he bent me over my desk and just fucked me right there. It just lit up my day; it made me feel special and pretty. Rainbows were shot into my ass.” See the reader is engaged and possibly confused/aroused. Keep them in this state for as long as possible.
The final lesson is one I don’t follow because I hate you all and want you to suffer, but you should follow it because I’m better than you and I don’t deserve to suffer because as stated just slightly before I’m better than you. Do not make your entry too long. Thanks to television, people’s attention span is that of goldfish, which is about 20 seconds. If an entry becomes too long, interest fades and the reader will most likely return to their porn spelunking. If this happens, congratulations, you’re a failure. Your entry should be a lot like a noose around your neck. If it’s too short, you just end up hanging yourself. If it’s too long, you’ll land on your feet, but they’ll just kill you by firing squad. You need to find that rare middle ground where you don’t die, but merely pass out. I know I haven’t found it, but I don’t care to; I’m not the jackass. I’m a jackass and I’ll go as far to say I’m a fucking asshole, but I’m not a sucker. I realize most of this is crap, which is good because I didn’t put much thought into writing it. That’s my excuse for sucking. What’s yours?
I got tired of bitching about MTV; Long story short, it’s a crack addicted baby that should have been aborted long ago, but because of the Catholic Church, the Christian Coalition, and various other fuck-jobs it was born into a world that doesn’t want it. Well I guess that statement isn’t completely true; the retards still want it, but then again they’re retarded so they don’t really count. We pretend; we gave them their own Olympics, but it’s not really a sport if everyone wins. They need to learn about disappointment; you know what their parents felt when they were born. Now don’t say that’s a harsh statement because you would be a liar. Think about it. If a gun was placed in your hand and you were forced to kill someone with your choices being a retard and oh I don’t know, a nuclear biologist, who would you kill? Remember if you choose no one, they’ll kill your family and if you don’t have a family well they’ll just torture you for three weeks and then kill you. Wow, that’s just morbid.
On the subject of morbid, let’s discuss you. Not the you in specific, but the you in general; the you that involves me as well. I realize that to many Live Journal is a venue to vent, to discuss problems in your life, or the successes, but could you please try to at least make it entertaining? I mean this isn’t like you’re writing in a diary where the only ones involved are you, yourself, and the blank pages of that book slowly being filled. No one’s going to read it because no one would care to; you obviously don’t have any friends because you’re writing in a god damn diary. What are you, an angst ridden thirteen-year-old girl? Are you getting hair where there was none before? Are you upset because your breasts aren’t developing fast enough? Did your vagina start to bleed?
Things are different when they’re transferred to that world in a box called the Inter-Tron; it’s filled to the brim with losers, assholes, liars, judgmental fucks, fetishists, bitching assholes, and well you know anyone who’s only on the web to look at porn. I suppose there are some other types sprinkled among the mass of sex addicts and chronic masturbators, but interest in their sexless production is waning at best. If you’re going to share your pathetic life with a bunch of random strangers on the Net, then you had better fucking well make it worth sharing. How can I do this? I’m glad you asked and if you didn’t well you fucking should. Asshole.
See that’s the first lesson: throw in random swear words. People are stupid, so intelligent humor makes them feel inferior, which they are, and angers them. Bad things happen when stupid people are angry. The Civil War makes a profound historical case for this. Just remember curse words equal instant hilarity. Here’s an example: “My life sucks. I broke up with what’s her name because she’s been cheating on me for quite some time.” See that’s bland and trite, but throw in a few random phrases filled with cussing and other obscenities and you are well on your way to having an amusing little anecdote despite the illegitimacy. Observe: “My life fucking sucks. It’s like I’ve been fucked up the ass by a cactus, without lube. I broke up with that cunt (this word garners attention and often anger, use it often) I’ve been seeing because she’s a fucking whore.” The statement is still cliché, but not bland.
The second lesson involves embellishment or outright lying. Remember you want to grab the reader’s attention and make it worth their time to read your worthless dribble. They could be looking at porn, but they broke away from their important schedule to give you some time; don’t make their decision one they’ll regret. Don’t do this: “I saw Brad in class today; he’s that cute guy I’ve been crushing on all semester. I still haven’t got the guts to talk to him yet, but he smiled at me. It just lit up my day; it made me feel special and pretty. Rainbows shot from my ass.” Sorry about that last part, but I couldn’t bring myself to finish it the way it was suppose to be because well in short statements like that just make me want to vomit. People will likely have no idea who the hell you are talking about so here’s something you can do instead: “ I saw Brad today in class and he bent me over my desk and just fucked me right there. It just lit up my day; it made me feel special and pretty. Rainbows were shot into my ass.” See the reader is engaged and possibly confused/aroused. Keep them in this state for as long as possible.
The final lesson is one I don’t follow because I hate you all and want you to suffer, but you should follow it because I’m better than you and I don’t deserve to suffer because as stated just slightly before I’m better than you. Do not make your entry too long. Thanks to television, people’s attention span is that of goldfish, which is about 20 seconds. If an entry becomes too long, interest fades and the reader will most likely return to their porn spelunking. If this happens, congratulations, you’re a failure. Your entry should be a lot like a noose around your neck. If it’s too short, you just end up hanging yourself. If it’s too long, you’ll land on your feet, but they’ll just kill you by firing squad. You need to find that rare middle ground where you don’t die, but merely pass out. I know I haven’t found it, but I don’t care to; I’m not the jackass. I’m a jackass and I’ll go as far to say I’m a fucking asshole, but I’m not a sucker. I realize most of this is crap, which is good because I didn’t put much thought into writing it. That’s my excuse for sucking. What’s yours?