How can you tell if a man is sexually aroused? ....He's breathing.
No photo's today, brother is sick so I'm not going near him....sorry Clair, lol.
So here's some jokes:
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
'Look at their reserve, their calm, 'muses the Englishman.
'They must be English.'
'Nonsense,' the Frenchman disagrees. 'They're naked, and so beautiful, Clearly, they are French.'
'No clothes, no shelter,' the Russian points out, 'they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They must be Russian.'
A priest is walking past a pub when he sees a small boy drinking beer and smoking a Cuban cigar. The priest is shocked to the core.
'Why aren't you in school?' he asks the boy.
‘’Cause I'm only four.'
The Smiths have no children and decide to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father is to arrive, Mr Smith kisses his wife and says, 'I'm off. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rings the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
'Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs Smith cuts in.
'Realy?' the photographer asks. 'Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
'That's what my husband and I had hope. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?' asks Mrs Smith, blushing.
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too, you can really spread out.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me.'
'Well madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results,'
'I hope we can get this over with quickly,' gasps Mrs Smith.
'Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure.'
'Don't I know it!' Mrs Smith exclaims.
The Photographer opens his briefcase and pulls out a portfolio of his baby pictures, 'This was done on top of a bus in middle London.'
'Oh my god!' Mrs Smith exclaims, tugging at her handkerchief.
'And thses twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.' The photographer hands Mrs Smith the picture.
'She was difficult?' asks Mrs Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.'
'Four and five deep?' asks Mrs Smith, eyes wide in amazement.
'Yes,' the photographer says. 'And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in.'
Mrs Smith leans forward. 'You mean they actually chewed on your, er...um...ah...equipment?'
'That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.'
'Tripod?' Mrs Smith looks extremely worried now.
'Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?...Good Lord, she's fainted!'
Mother is in the Kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
'Mother, where do babies come from?'
'Well dear...a mummy and a daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room and they kiss and hug and have sex. That means the daddy put his penis in the mummy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.'
'Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?'
'Jewellery, dear.'