Part I -- The Soul and Spirit of Kiku Heaven
Chapter Two: Hitoshi's story (continuing)
We stayed a good two days locked in the room of the third floor and, we would probably have stayed there longer, if Yoshinori-kun had not come in anxiously searching for his brother.
Looking back at those days I can still feel the butterflies in my stomach and remember exactly what it meant the weird sensation that the time had stopped flowing... There were moments I closed my eyes and saw myself as an intruder who was watching two men in love, as if my soul and body had split and taken their separate places in two different worlds turning me into an observer of my own life.
...I remember how I buried my head in the warmth of his chest when he closed his arms round me; how I clutched his slender body as though he was my last hope to become happy. I think I had fallen in love with him the moment we met and was stupidly looking for an excuse, a moment that would allow me to embrace my defeat and surrender myself completely.
"Hitoshi-san, I’m here with you. Let the shadows go away...", he whispered in my ear, and I could hold my tears no longer.
That phrase sounded as if coming straight out of the mouth of the child in my dream, and yet the thought of Norihiro came to darken my mood. What he would do without me being there to protect him from his nightmares, his guilt, from the world around him, from he himself?
That night the heavens smiled to us and lit all the stars of the autumn sky to celebrate our union. Their bright, yet soft sparkling light came through the window and fell on our bodies like dew gathered on the petals of a newly sprung bellflower. I knew he was the One, I could feel it. I could not afford letting him go.
The hours of our pleasure gave their place to exhaustion, ready to throw us into a peaceful, sweet slumber. I clasped him in my arms, looked out at the starry sky and then closed my eyes listening to his calm breath. My lips moved soundless, following the lines of a poem my father had taught me when I was a child...
No one travels
Along this way but I,
This autumn evening.*
... and I felt asleep.
The time passed surprising fast during the last semester or, so it seemed. The awkward silences between Norihiro and me grew longer and longer. I barely stayed at home so our chances of being in the same room were practically none; whenever we met was due to working on our last and final papers.
He tried hard to please me, to show me how much he cared, and kept inviting friends over, Stephen and Count Fei were among the regulars. He was as if trying to make me happy, or to drag me back to “our” world, a world where he and I were the sole inhabitants; for Norihiro there was no one but only he and I, only the two of us; the people around us meant absolutely nothing to him, they were nothing but passing clouds traveling to a distant place.
He would start a snowball fight like the days we were still teenagers and madly in love, as if whatever had happened was a parenthesis destined to fall into oblivion shortly... nothing had changed for him.
When he was near me I wished he would go away and never come back, but when I kept adorable Shinobu-kun in my arms I began to feel unexpectedly worried about Norihiro... Then, one week before our graduation, all the hell broke loose.
I had promised Shinobu-kun to have lunch together at New Age after his class, and head to Lulu’s Lounge later for some drinks. Looking forward to our date I run home to take a shower and change, but when I came out of the bathroom, the ground beneath my feet crumbled. The sight of Yoshinori-kun in the arms of Norihiro stunned me. Poor Yoshinori mumbled something like “I’m sorry, I have to go” and left as fast as he could. I do not know if I felt jealous, I know that Norihiro’s smirking face infuriated me...
...and this is what followed, leaving him with a slightly cut lip -- which neither satisfied me nor made me proud of myself in the least. We could always behave civilized and talk, but it did not begin very nicely.
Norihiro: "You go out with Shinobu --for how long?- and you dare lecture me for having fun with his brother? A slut like you is in no position to talk about morals, right?” he burst out.
Hitoshi: "Wrong. You can’t compare a slut to a murderer, you pathetic hypocrite, can you? Maybe it’s time you finally told me what my father did to you and had to pay it with his life!"
Letting Norihiro’s secret echo in the room scared us both, there are things we are not supposed to let out, no matter what. I hated myself for being unable to hold my tongue; I hated myself for hurting his feelings, whatever they were... as if his nightmares and agony all these years had not been a punishment cruel enough.
“I didn’t mean to, it was an accident”, he said in a broken voice. Devastation and misery were written all over his face. “I didn’t want them to die, Hito! I swear I didn’t. I loved them!” His eyes filled with tears he sunk in the chair and hid his face with his hands.
It was a long afternoon, which turned into a long evening, and then into a long, exhausting night. Between pauses and warm tears, he spoke of the facts slowly but accurately nonetheless... The evening we arrived in Kiku Heaven he had gone straight to bed only to wake up a few hours later feeling hungry. He went down the stairs and right to the kitchen to make an omelet when he noticed our fathers talking in the backyard. It started raining but the two men did not mind it. His father was laughing, teasing mine that now they had settled down he had to look for a nice woman and get married again. Then he raised his head looking up in the sky adding it would be amazing to be hit by a lightning -- a man of knowledge should experience these things. For their bad luck, Norihiro found a small black box in the cupboard while searching for a pan to make his omelet and while fiddling curiously with it he found a button under the option “Smite”. He concluded its usage was to create artificial lightning and delighted to grant his father his wish, he aim at him and push the button. Unfortunately the button got stuck and Norihiro, in his panicky attempt to make it stop, pushed the button again, and again... when it was finally turned off both our fathers lied dead on the ground.
“I run up the stairs to wake you up and tell you what had happened, but something stopped me. I went down again and out to the backyard. I tried artificial respiration and cardiac massage hoping they were unconscious and they would get up. They didn’t… they were dead… my beloved father and dearest Yoshi-san were dead… because of my foolishness. Forgive me, father!” His heart-rending cries, his gloomy, solemn voice made part of me eager to love him all over again. I was relieved he could, at last, talk about the past and free himself from the burden he had been carrying over his shoulders all these years. “I was afraid no one would believe me… I was afraid I’d lose you, too, Hito… the thought of spending the rest of my life in jail scared me so much…”
“Where are they?” I asked him in a low voice taking him in my arms.
“ … In the backyard… Next morning it all looked like a bad dream, but when I didn’t find them in the house I realised it wasn’t a dream… every day I meant to talk to you, but couldn’t bring myself to look you straight in the eyes and confess… Please, forgive me, Hito, if you can. …I know I don’t deserve forgiveness… You must probably hate me for what I did…”
“No one hates you”, I responded stroking tenderly his tousled hair. “The thought it was an accident can’t ease my pain and guilt”, he continued. "I’d give my life only to go back and change the past. I’d give my life to bring them back if I could. I swear I would! I miss him so much!” Norihiro was now wailing in mourning of our dead fathers. The first and final proper mourning after years of regret, guilt and untold suffering.
I was telling the truth. There was nothing to forgive him for. I had done it years ago when I began to put side by side all the pieces of the puzzle in my attempt to give a possible explanation for the source of his nightmares and delirious talking. There was only a big “Why?” and the circumstances of their disappearance the only missing pieces to complete the picture... When we were kids I often indulged myself in the thought Norihiro was the stronger of the two, but these last years proved me wrong.
It was thirteen past three in the morning when Norihiro and I drove all the way to Kiku Heaven to move our fathers’ bodies and give them a proper burial at the “After Life Cemetery”. I knew Norihiro’s eyes were fixed on me, I knew he was expecting me to say something, or maybe he was afraid of what I’d say if I would.
When we finished he hid his head on my chest and started crying. “Don’t… don’t leave me, Hito”, he stammered. "I have no place to go..." I could not decide who of us needed consolation more, he or I? I kept my arms around him thinking of my father and our conversations, his smiling face, the morning of his sudden disappearance and my life with Norihiro the years that followed. The first drops of a spring rain soon to sweep the whole place fell softly on my face, and right then, right that moment, I broke into hundred pieces. Father!
We returned to the Campus and went straight to bed without exchanging a word. I felt strongly the pull of the past, as if my soul and body were finally met again to become one.
We slept tightly hugged like two lost children protecting each other from the hostile crowd round them.
Upon our graduation I threw a grand party to celebrate that little paper sitting on my pocket before heading back to Kiku Heaven. I was ready to realize my dream and become a Rock God, and that little piece of paper was supposed to make my first steps into the music industry less painful. I was moving back to our old house, and Norihiro was coming with me. Our fathers had grown up together and were inseparable since they were little. Yama-san had gotten Norihiro three days before I was born; Norihiro and I were destined, too, to grow up together, as brothers at first, as lovers later, and now... It was unthinkable he would stay with anyone else but me, unthinkable he would not see again the house Yama-san had chosen for us all.
I knew our fathers had forgiven his stupidity and the house was expecting our return... Isn’t it, Dad?
I took a lot of deep breaths before talking to Shinobu-kun. It was a huge change for someone like me, but I thought I could see the future, a future including my Shinobu. I only hoped and silently prayed for his understanding.
What Shinobu says
When he called to cancel our date I suspected things must had been serious, for Hitoshi-san was not the kind of man who takes relationships lightly. Of course when we first met he was the perfect romance guy: flirting with anyone who would strike his fancy, staying out late, drinking and dancing all night long… but he changed dramatically a few months later. I think it was during the summer, although I don’t know how he spent his summer as his e-mails didn’t say much except from a little phrase he kept writing over and over, “I miss you” - a phrase which made me blush up to my ears each time I read it and made my longing for the hours we had spent together more intense. This is why once I arrived in the Campus I run to see him, leaving Yoshinori to protest he could not carry the luggage alone.
He came to open the door dragging his feet and was noticeably reeling somehow as if ill. He said a few words that sounded so incoherent that I had to ask him kindly to repeat it. He grabbed me and held me so tightly I could feel the beats of his heart. “I said I’m grateful you came.” He kissed me tenderly and yet, there was flame in that kiss, a flame strong enough to convince me how much he meant that miss you part in his e-mails.
While it is true I had slept with Kadajo-san, just once, it is also true Kadajo-san would not kiss anyone but his Count. Even to these days Hitoshi-san is not aware that he was the one I gave my very first kiss (I am happy it was him and no one else), and he also ignores the fact he was the one who stole my heart the moment we shook hands -- this perhaps can explain why he never returned it back.
I left New Age right after his call and rushed home. My stomach hurt, my anxiousness was uncontrollable, but as soon as Yoshinori told me about his visit to the Murogas and his reckless behaviour I began to have a faint idea of what was going on. “He doesn’t love you, Yoshi”, I said calmly but my brother played the innocent. “Who?” “You know who. Norihiro-san. Don’t fool yourself. Stay away from him, unless you want to end up like a wretched dog.” My brother was too soft to put things into the right perspective.
I was longing to hear Hitoshi-san’s voice reassuring me everything was all right. I exercised some self-discipline instead. I started tidying up and tried to fix the broken shower, struggling to keep myself busy and preserve my sanity.
The more I think of it the more I feel those last days before his graduation passed very fast and in great confusion. He never told me what held him back and did not come to meet me. “Something urgent came up” was all I was told, nothing more specific. Afterwards, he asked me to move with him and I did; he told me to focus on my studies and not fool around because he would wait for me, and I promised I would; he said he would move back to his old house with Norihiro, and I remained silent. Hitoshi-san looked optimistic and happy those days. I was sad. The old shadows had claimed him and slowly taking him away from me.
I had never tried to keep him exclusively to myself and I was not to start that day. But he offered himself to me and I was delighted to grant him the place of the One in my life. When he proposed to me and said we should plan our wedding the following week after my graduation I think I passed out. Why everything had to happen in a time like this? He had just joined the music industry working as a Studio Musician while I was still a pathetic student struggling to deal with assignments and term papers. Hitoshi-san was such a kind and attentive person that he invited me at his home every other day and helped me with my studies. Scarcely did I find Norihiro at home, as he used to leave the house before I got there, because he had to “meet some friends”. I knew he tried to be discreet and give us some privacy.
Have I ever mentioned I am not the type who will make a scene when my world falls apart before my own eyes? Have I ever told you that you should refrain from making surprises to your other half because, in all probabilities, you will be the one to be surprised the most? I did not know but I learned. The first and only time I thought to pay a surprise visit to Hitoshi-san was enough for a lifetime. I found the front door open, Yashamaru-san running out to fetch a doctor. He said something when he run past me, but I could not make out what he said. Was Hitoshi-san in a grave danger? Had something happened to him? I run up the stairs holding my breath, but when I opened the door
I saw Norihiro-san lying on the bed, sleeping or unconscious I could not tell, and Hitoshi-san trembling and monotonously repeating “I love you, Niro… Stay with me… stay with me” everything around me collapsed.
I pushed the door wide open and stared at him hoping I had misunderstood. A sudden surge of jealously overcame me, my feet were nailed to the ground.
Tears were flowing on Hitoshi-san’s cheeks. Norihiro-san was ill somehow, I understood that, and the reasonable thing to do was to make a few steps into the room and offer my help in any way I could. That would be the decent thing to do. But, no. I remained still, and strangely stiffened, staring rudely at his pain-stricken face and his tears. Those tears were not for me. Why suddenly all these memories from the past we had shared were brought back? Was that all? Those tears were not for me. Had I have to leave him so soon? It was too soon, too soon. Yet, already too late.
What I thought to have lasted an eternity it was only a few seconds, for the next moment I took the engagement ring off my finger and placed it on the end table.
“Shinobu-kun!” He sounded startled, yet he could not look straight into my eyes. I could not allow myself to become a burden to the one I loved.
A weak “… my shitsuren” came out of my throat like the mumbling of an upset child, and then I turned and darted out of the house and into the empty streets.
(*) Note: the poem Hitoshi recalls the night he sleeps with Shinobu is a haiku by Basho Matsuo (1644-1694)