The Variety Of My Feelings & Emotions With Oestrogen Flowing Through My Veins
Lately things have been rather occupying and I have noticed some things. On Wednesday I will have taken hormones and androgen blockers for 2 months. I seem to be really excited about this prospect.
I have attributed my thoughts and feelings in the past due to having oestrogen in my blood, though I have begun to question this somewhat now. To be honest this notion has been onset by something my previous doctor said, when he said that the way I was feeling was most probably not due to the hormones themselves.
I think there could be some truth in what my doctor said. One thing I believe is that my uplifted mood could be due to the joy of actually being to allow a dream come true. The prospect of finding out my true self is the most exciting thing I’ve experienced in my life. I think the feeling of being more content helps sooth some of the anxiety.
I have noticed some changes with my appearance and quite surprised how obsessive I am becoming about them. I keep checking my face in the mirror and feeling whether I have any curves appearing. Maybe this is all very vain but it is incredibly uplifting. Somehow I am more satisfied with my looks and appearance when I know it’s becoming more feminine.
It feels like my appearance is finally becoming more parallel with my soul. The prospect of people actually seeing me as a female I believe will be a weight off my mind. I constantly agonise and wish that people would see me as female even though I don’t look like a female. I just don’t feel brave enough to correct people right now by saying actually I’m female when actually I look exactly like a male. I know that idea is quite unrealistic anyway. Leaving that agony behind might allow me to live a more balanced life. Another thing I have noticed is the drop in my negative feelings towards my own transness. I feel less embaressment and paranoia about feeling female. It is like I am dieing to show the world that I'm female. I feel less guilty about my desires to be involved in traditionally female pursuits, espeically like admiring men. I seem to have a strong desire to be attractive or even preen myself to look more feminine. Maybe this is all what comes with self acceptance.
I have again noticed some things since I started taking hormones that have stressed me a little. In the past few weeks I have become incredibly emotional. I tried to work out why I was so upset all the time. One of the reasons I came up with was self acceptance of my feelings.
I feel that by taking hormones I am accepting my feelings and allowing my self to become part of my world. By burying all my issues or not actually doing anything about them I suffered less of this emotional upset. The emotions from overloading my soul have changed to letting it all out.
I am still unsure why acceptance upsets me so much. I know that I have been so scared of self acceptance in the past because I am scared of how upset it makes me. I think what could be upsetting me is all the hurt coming back from where it has been buried. My fear has prevented me from progressing on my journey.
The fear of actually having to transition prevented me from making progress. Maybe I am being brave opening up myself. I know from experience that self acceptance has always led me to one conclusion, and that is I would prefer to been seen to belong to the female gender. I always try to stop myself seeing this outcome from my journey and try to keep an open mind. Though at the same time I am unsure whether this is fighting the inevitable. Well, I know now that I have to face what my heart tells me but not to follow it until I know for sure that my heart is telling me the right thing. It’s a very powerful thing but I will have to live with it rather than ignoring it if I want to continue my journey.
I have had a couple of nights which were pretty awful and have actually been unable to stop crying. This actually led to feelings of despair. I had to shake myself out of it and just calm myself down. I have a feeling that all these tears should have been shed a very long time ago and they are only now coming out. It was a very difficult situation but I got through it, and I felt right as rain afterwards. One last thing that has made an impact on me recently was a song that someone sent me a link to. The song was Cyndi Lauper - True Colors. Now I wasn't really interested in this song until I actually decided to properly listen to it. It just hit me hard and I saw the relevence of it all to my own life. It was so inspirational though at the same time upsetting. It was upsetting because here is someone singing about one's true colours, and when I think about it I've always wanted to show my true colours but have never known how to do it.