Giving My Mom A Book About Trans Issues, Her Asking About Girlfriends, & My One Month of Hormones...
This evening I gave my mom a book; The Transgender Debate by Stephen Whittle. I had been home for the weekend and it had come near to the time when I had to leave to go back to my place. I was so nervous and full of worry so I decided that the best idea would be to write her a note and put the note and the book in an envelope. This was what I wrote the note: Mom,
I found this little book a couple of weeks ago in a bookshop and felt I wanted to give it to you so that maybe you can read it as well. I am sorry that I didn't give you the book in person. I was worried and nervous about what to say.
Hope you have a good next few weeks. I very much looking forward to visiting A... in Swansea soon.
All my love,
A... I left the book on my pillow in my room so she would find it. Even though I've talked to my mom about my identity issues I still feel very nervous and worry about talking to her about it. One thing that seems to always put me off is her (what seems like) constant explanations about why I feel this way and that it should go away. I have had three major talks with her in the past over the last five years when she first outed me by accident. I don't know exactly what to expect when she finds the book. I hope it was the best thing to do. I think this will be a bold statement that I'm making here. I await her response and hope it's not bad. Also... I told my mom that I had travelled down to London and she asked me whether it was a girl I had went to see. This was a pretty awkward question for me to be honest. I wanted to say that I had gone to see my new girlfriend but unfortunately I caged up and ignored her. My mom had said that people she knows were asking about me. To be honest, I have always been reluctant to tell my mom I had any girlfriends because in a way I feel that she will assume that I don't have any issues with my identity and I'm a heterosexual male. I don't want her to think that at all because I don't feel it's the truth. I will work up to telling my mom about my girlfriend; Amiy. It's been 30 days *again* since I have been taking HRT and anti-androgen tablets. It's been swings and roundabouts with these hormones since 2002. I am now intending to continue taking hormones. I am still worrying about "what if I'm not trans" but I will try just get on with life. For some reason I've only really noticed some real effects again this week. I did wonder whether this was because I was taking the tablets before after eating, like recommended by A... I have noticed a bit of tenderness again in my chest, much softer skin, wacky feeling nipples. Another thing I have noticed is that I seem to feel much more greatly that I am a woman. In fact it feels more frustrating not looking like a normal woman in the street when I feel like one. I'm having those moments when I forget I'm actually walking around as a man. So far so good...