Analysis of My Sexual Urge & Desire
Today I had a bit of what I guess was a brain wave or came to some kind of understanding. I think I have more understanding of why I keep going back to female hormone therapy. I recognise how I feel right now as how I felt when I decided to start taking hormones again. I must note to anyone reading this that there was more than one reason why I needed to start hormone therapy.
This is probably not going to make much sense but I will attempt to describe what is going on in my head at this point. I can’t cope with my current sexual bodily urges… When I say urges I don’t mean mental desires. These urges and desires do not seem to have any shape or form. I guess the only way I can describe them is like a physical or chemical reaction. This type of sexual power is there and grows strong.
Yet I find it very difficult to handle this sexual power and I don’t how to work with these urges or comfortably satisfy them. They are so overpowering and seem to flood my mind like ink from an octopus and I feel often I lose track of who I really am and my true emotions.
I really can’t see myself as what I deem a heterosexual male. I do wonder whether I have been given this false image of what a heterosexual male should be like though and maybe it is unhealthy for me to even think about this too much as well.
There seems to be one thing that makes me feel very uncomfortable and that is sexual contact with a woman. I feel strange having these urges yet not feeling any desire for sexual contact with a woman. I have wondered many times whether topic of thought is related to a male sexual dysfunction. Although, I also think that if it doesn’t feel like a male sexual dysfunction then it isn’t. But then again am I wrong to say I’m not just a dysfunctional male? I am not even sure if I really have got to the bottom of my dysphoria. I worry that there could be hidden reasons for my dysphoria.
I understand some people, male or female, don’t have the desire for sexual relationships. I will not rule this out as a possible factor in my life. Although, maybe one thing that makes it a bit more complicated for me is that I actually have sexual desires. Another thing is I’ve noticed is that I feel I need to be female to satisfy my sexual desires. If there were no desire full stop I could accept a natural lack of interest in sexual relationships but there is a desire there.
I had some inkling that taking female hormone therapy was a way of running away or hiding from the problems of my sexual bodily urges seem to cause me. Yet this theory is somewhat mixed up because I felt so much better when taking female hormones and my sexual urges and desires seemed to have became more comfortable.
My desires also felt more tuned for some reason and I felt more in tune with my urges and my sexual desire seemed to take more shape. Maybe it’s my own suppression of my sexual desires and urges that make me feel horrible. I believe I somehow block my true desires maybe because of embarrassment or fear of being too different. I knew that these desires were there in the first place but somehow they couldn’t take shape before I had started female hormone therapy.
I feel I have only touched the surface on this one. More to come on this subject maybe…