Opening Pandora's Box More And More
I feel incredibly strange right now and it feels like Pandora’s Box has been opened even wider now. Though I am sure it will slowly shut with time. I feel like I have a lot of new strong feelings now. It is like these feelings are being squeezed into a very tight space and they are bursting to fly out and make me explode. I wish I could have talked to my counsellor for hours and hours about my feelings. They need to be spoken out aloud. Every time I seem to voice these feelings they always seem to right and true.
The emotional state I felt when confronting my feelings and past was so strong. I was surprised about this and I didn’t realise how upsetting it feels to talk about my feelings. I thought that talking out aloud about the thoughts and feelings I have would somehow test me. They certainly did not fail this test and over and over again I find out how real these feelings are. It is my top priority to work with these feelings now and find a way to heal myself.
I have wondered how healthy it actually is to keep these feelings and issues at the forefront of my mind because they obviously cause me a lot of distress. However, I have decided to try keep a strangle hold on these feelings and not let them fade into the back ground. I know that if they fade into the background they will only come back another day to hurt me. I guess the term would be to nip them in the bud. I have a feeling that if I do let these feelings fade when they do come back because I have not dealt with them now I will be worse than I am now.
I have a theory that my gender identity issues always seem to rear their head when I start to look at my identity as a whole. I start to look at who I am when I feel like I’m in the wrong situation in life or my soul is being repressed. I start to try look at who I really am as a person and begin to try fight the feeling of oppression in this way.
For some reason when I am trying to rediscover who I am or work to reinforce who I am I seem to stubble on something deep inside which is a deep insecurity. I guess my searching makes me delve deeper and deeper and then I start to realise that I am not really being who I really feel I am.
One thing I have noticed when I lift the lid of Pandora’s box higher is that my perceptions become more acute. When I am more acute and have confronted my feelings head on I start to feel very aware of women everywhere. I seem to have a strong bond or connection to these women as a whole. It only hurts though when I realise that they will see me very differently in their eyes. I look at the women around me and wonder if they feel these connections like I do.
If I could have the instant power to make all women see me as another woman I would yield that power without doubt straight away. I long for other women to realise and know that I am not their opposite and I am their equal. I feel that I can try very hard to make women identify me as female but I think it would be very difficult the way I look and appear before their eyes. I wonder sometimes whether I should tell women that I am gay so that they see me more as one of the women. That of course does not make sense but I guess would work as a temporary compromise for my feelings.
I am not sure whether my sexuality is fully developed, or it already exists but is being suppressed. I see beauty and attractive women all the time but I am confused as to why I feel no sexual interest in them. The thought just doesn’t come into my head. Surely some natural sexual thoughts are normal. I don’t understand because I neither feel slightly numb as well when looking at attractive men. Although, I know that fear has something to do with this side of me. I never used to look at men and think they were attractive or cute. Maybe I prevent any continuation in my feelings towards these men for self preservations reasons.
I am so scared of just letting go and releasing myself into self discovery. I guess I need to be in the right situation to start to let go. I hope one day I will lose this feeling of acting and dream of simply letting go and being one with myself forever onwards.