i must not be ok...i'm posting an entry, which i haven't done in 58 weeks
I'm getting this one right out in the open...
i have a problem.
I can't mentally function anymore...there is something haunting me.
NATHAN...is haunting me
for the past 4 years I haven't been able to live a normal day on the following dates:
April 1st
April 18th
May 12th
October 18th
and whenever St. Patrick's day is
i'll either end up crying, or spending hours upon hours reading old LJ entries that he has written and i reflect on just how i DIDN'T help him.
i tried...i really did.
i just think it's stupid that i felt stalked, scared and all that from october 18th 2003 till St. patrick's day of 2006 when he last tried to contact me at 2am...and Chris Fucking Topher was the only one for me to cry to.
i think it's stupid that now, becuase i haven't heard from him, haven't seen him; that i now almost stalk him. i'm doing what i was so afraid of. every few months i'll find myself on google or something trying to look up his name, or his screenname or something like that just to see if he's alive, or in jail, or happy...i'd like for him to be happy
the last image that i have of him is frozen in my mind of us on the first floor of Masco when he showed me his left arm with the word "PAIN" literally carved into it...CARVED!!! it was infected and i wanted to bring him to the nurse. we got in a fight, i pushed him into the lockers, he pushed me back, only a little...i dug my nails into his homemade bandage of papertowels and scotch tape, and then we went to the nurse. she fixed him up, and i collapsed on the floor and started dry-heaving.
THAT is the last image that i have of this person! AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY I CRY, AND WHY I HAVE NIGHTMARES, AND WHY I'M THIS SCREWED UP 4 YEARS AFTER!!!!
...and the worst part is, here's the kicker...i asked him why he did that to himself, and he said it wasn't directly because of me, but because of how sad he was, which i helped to cause.
that night, i went home...and that was the night when i ended up with over 100 small cuts...i didn't do it because of him...i did it because of me, and what i thought i had caused another human being to do.
i'm better now, in that sense. i don't do that kind of stuff...don't even think about it.
i'm in the happiest relationship of my life, with Chase, the man i hope to marry someday and it's not fair to him to have a girlfriend who still is haunted by her past.
Chase has to hold my hand in crowded public places because i get anxiety pretty bad.
I look over my shoulder constantly thinking that i see nathan, it's gotten to the point where any young man, between the ages of 17 and 26, with shaggy light colored hair, and a thin frame gives me a panic attack, and has at least once brought me to tears in a public facility.
...that's pathetic.
I've been doing relatively well, haven't been having as many nightmares as before (about him, all the others are still there). St. Patrick's day of this year was 2 years since i had last heard from nathan. i vowed to myself that 2 years was enough time for me to stop worrying and that i needed to move on with my life.
however...
Tuesday night, chase and i went into Boston to see Opeth (great band), and I bumped into one of my and nathan's good friends (at that time) Brent. he saw me and said "no shit"...i gave him a hug and we talked for a minute, then i had to catch a train, and that was it.
once on the train i started to freak out a bit. i told chase "you do realize what this means right? it is not totally possible that i might bump into nathan in public, just like i did with brent...i mean, they're from the same city" chase looked at me like i was crazy and said the odd were too great and that i had nothing to worry about.
chase has always been curious what my obsession with this thing is, and i told him, "i think that if i were to see him face to face, or to talk to him, and if i could see that his scars have healed (internal and external), and that he is healthy, and living a happy life, maybe even loves someone, and that he can write words without switching all the "C's" to "K's", then i would be able to realize that the image that i have of him in my head in innacurate and i can move on without being afraid of him"
he said he agreed but that i shouldn't go out of my way to contact him and that i should just let it go.
today i had nothing better to do but to sit at my computer all day...i wanted to see if he was online...don't know why, it's not like i was going to IM him and be like "hey, how's it going?". and i coulnd't remember his screenname, so i put in about 4 possibilities, and one popped up as being online, but on mobile.
i got nauseated, and actually started gagging.
but oh no, i wasn't done tormenting myself. i had to go on livejournal and see if he had updated...which he hadn't...in 3 years, but i felt like doing some reading.
it was all so sad, and i couldn't help but cry, and sob, and cry some more...
and that's when it hit me...
...i'm absolutely, completely, totally, without a doubt...
...insane
i have a problem.
I can't mentally function anymore...there is something haunting me.
NATHAN...is haunting me
for the past 4 years I haven't been able to live a normal day on the following dates:
April 1st
April 18th
May 12th
October 18th
and whenever St. Patrick's day is
i'll either end up crying, or spending hours upon hours reading old LJ entries that he has written and i reflect on just how i DIDN'T help him.
i tried...i really did.
i just think it's stupid that i felt stalked, scared and all that from october 18th 2003 till St. patrick's day of 2006 when he last tried to contact me at 2am...and Chris Fucking Topher was the only one for me to cry to.
i think it's stupid that now, becuase i haven't heard from him, haven't seen him; that i now almost stalk him. i'm doing what i was so afraid of. every few months i'll find myself on google or something trying to look up his name, or his screenname or something like that just to see if he's alive, or in jail, or happy...i'd like for him to be happy
the last image that i have of him is frozen in my mind of us on the first floor of Masco when he showed me his left arm with the word "PAIN" literally carved into it...CARVED!!! it was infected and i wanted to bring him to the nurse. we got in a fight, i pushed him into the lockers, he pushed me back, only a little...i dug my nails into his homemade bandage of papertowels and scotch tape, and then we went to the nurse. she fixed him up, and i collapsed on the floor and started dry-heaving.
THAT is the last image that i have of this person! AND PEOPLE WONDER WHY I CRY, AND WHY I HAVE NIGHTMARES, AND WHY I'M THIS SCREWED UP 4 YEARS AFTER!!!!
...and the worst part is, here's the kicker...i asked him why he did that to himself, and he said it wasn't directly because of me, but because of how sad he was, which i helped to cause.
that night, i went home...and that was the night when i ended up with over 100 small cuts...i didn't do it because of him...i did it because of me, and what i thought i had caused another human being to do.
i'm better now, in that sense. i don't do that kind of stuff...don't even think about it.
i'm in the happiest relationship of my life, with Chase, the man i hope to marry someday and it's not fair to him to have a girlfriend who still is haunted by her past.
Chase has to hold my hand in crowded public places because i get anxiety pretty bad.
I look over my shoulder constantly thinking that i see nathan, it's gotten to the point where any young man, between the ages of 17 and 26, with shaggy light colored hair, and a thin frame gives me a panic attack, and has at least once brought me to tears in a public facility.
...that's pathetic.
I've been doing relatively well, haven't been having as many nightmares as before (about him, all the others are still there). St. Patrick's day of this year was 2 years since i had last heard from nathan. i vowed to myself that 2 years was enough time for me to stop worrying and that i needed to move on with my life.
however...
Tuesday night, chase and i went into Boston to see Opeth (great band), and I bumped into one of my and nathan's good friends (at that time) Brent. he saw me and said "no shit"...i gave him a hug and we talked for a minute, then i had to catch a train, and that was it.
once on the train i started to freak out a bit. i told chase "you do realize what this means right? it is not totally possible that i might bump into nathan in public, just like i did with brent...i mean, they're from the same city" chase looked at me like i was crazy and said the odd were too great and that i had nothing to worry about.
chase has always been curious what my obsession with this thing is, and i told him, "i think that if i were to see him face to face, or to talk to him, and if i could see that his scars have healed (internal and external), and that he is healthy, and living a happy life, maybe even loves someone, and that he can write words without switching all the "C's" to "K's", then i would be able to realize that the image that i have of him in my head in innacurate and i can move on without being afraid of him"
he said he agreed but that i shouldn't go out of my way to contact him and that i should just let it go.
today i had nothing better to do but to sit at my computer all day...i wanted to see if he was online...don't know why, it's not like i was going to IM him and be like "hey, how's it going?". and i coulnd't remember his screenname, so i put in about 4 possibilities, and one popped up as being online, but on mobile.
i got nauseated, and actually started gagging.
but oh no, i wasn't done tormenting myself. i had to go on livejournal and see if he had updated...which he hadn't...in 3 years, but i felt like doing some reading.
it was all so sad, and i couldn't help but cry, and sob, and cry some more...
and that's when it hit me...
...i'm absolutely, completely, totally, without a doubt...
...insane