Pikaboo- Where are you?
You know you've played hide and seek too long when you start to have trouble finding yourself again.
I feel I'm hiding, but I'm too tired to seek. There is so much happening. So much to do and see. Places to be... people to greet. But not a sure space for me. Well that's how i see....
I feel a mighty personal rant about to run, but this is my therapy session... Livejournal has done wonders to me getting to know myself... so if you are reading this... please, just read it as though I am sailing the ocean of my own mind, and you just so happened to catch a wave.
I have been rather sea sick at the thought of my own quietness. Sometimes I feel as though I might not have the energy or will to speak anymore. I see the colours, but they don't seem as bright. I see the opportunities... and although I still try, I don't care to rely on their benefactors anymore. I am more consumed with other's goals to overshadow the fact that I don't have any. And to be frank, I never did. I spoke of grand affairs that I would like to "one night stand or two" with... (school, travel, children).... but deep down it all felt so childish... so... lame. haha. Yet again... I am not depressed, and I am not a mess. I think I am just utterly board with this mundane astrocity of a spiral universe.
uh.
wow.
Spiral universe.
Spiral.
Repitition.
Patterns.
NO WONDER.
We are all just going around in circles!
Ha.
But I already felt that... and it is making me dizzy.
So I have some debt, but no regrets (other than self discrimination). I am self chained to my debts. Paying for my "experiences" with my "robotic" working class ways. But I have cut down my "working class" hours so much that I wont really take any significant chunks off my debt for awhile. Just making my minimum payments. They get the exact same anyway....
Where does this leave me? Unable to bring my stomach to a steady job.... unable to bring my brain to repeat creative thought... deeply disturbed with the thought of committing undying thought to something other than a passion.
Hum diddly dee.
I really like the movie "Golden Compass". It is riddled with subliminal messages, ones that inspire me to be creative.
I guess I need to look for my power source. I don't feel balanced. I don't feel lately. It is just this little hum of a drum that keeps my beat going on.
Am I unhappy? No.
Am I unsatisfied? Yes.
Am I going to keep banging on to this hum drum beat? I don't know.
I know that I have to go out and get it. Go out and make it. Go out! Get er done? Blah blah... I can only psych my self out so many times.
Obviously that isn't sticking.... it isn't working.
What am I afraid of? I'm afraid to tell...
But I know darn well that something has to be coming up... my train tracks are sounding rusty, and this road is getting bumpy.
I have been sub/consciously eliminating my material collections. In preparation of taking off.... somewhere. Ideally I would like to have no debt... a suit case ready to be "stickered"... my guitar... simple clothes.... a few photos.... and an open mind.
AH! There we go. I finally wrote it down.
First I need to make my own $. (doing so now)
Second- I need to solidify my creative work (paint, photograph, sculpt, sew, music, movies)
Third- I need to make worldly connections on the grand-ular scale. Preferably with ones who see past the veil.
Fourth- I need to avoid "solidifying" my plans... cause certain truth is always uncertain. I just need to morph them into bigger better beings like I know I will be.
WHEW!
You have no idea how good that felt. I feel all motivated.... well I do feel tired too... mainly due to the fact that I am stareing at an alarmingly bright and radiating light machine....
Ok, I'm going to go memorize a few monologues... I have an audition Friday for a ghostly tour.... yip. Things really are wonderful... I think I just get cross eyed sometimes.
Another thing that I have put in a back brain pocket... art retreats.... some places far far away offer artists low monthly stay rates for their altered perspective on creative life.
That would be cool.
It especially would be a good start to finding where I've been hiding.
xoxox
k to the crazy.
P.S. read the below excerpt from something I was given recently.... brilliant no?
---------------------------------------------------------
Below: Something worth pondering..
=================================
Author: ??
"Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth.” The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, yet more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; Tall men with short character; steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce; fancier houses but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.
I feel I'm hiding, but I'm too tired to seek. There is so much happening. So much to do and see. Places to be... people to greet. But not a sure space for me. Well that's how i see....
I feel a mighty personal rant about to run, but this is my therapy session... Livejournal has done wonders to me getting to know myself... so if you are reading this... please, just read it as though I am sailing the ocean of my own mind, and you just so happened to catch a wave.
I have been rather sea sick at the thought of my own quietness. Sometimes I feel as though I might not have the energy or will to speak anymore. I see the colours, but they don't seem as bright. I see the opportunities... and although I still try, I don't care to rely on their benefactors anymore. I am more consumed with other's goals to overshadow the fact that I don't have any. And to be frank, I never did. I spoke of grand affairs that I would like to "one night stand or two" with... (school, travel, children).... but deep down it all felt so childish... so... lame. haha. Yet again... I am not depressed, and I am not a mess. I think I am just utterly board with this mundane astrocity of a spiral universe.
uh.
wow.
Spiral universe.
Spiral.
Repitition.
Patterns.
NO WONDER.
We are all just going around in circles!
Ha.
But I already felt that... and it is making me dizzy.
So I have some debt, but no regrets (other than self discrimination). I am self chained to my debts. Paying for my "experiences" with my "robotic" working class ways. But I have cut down my "working class" hours so much that I wont really take any significant chunks off my debt for awhile. Just making my minimum payments. They get the exact same anyway....
Where does this leave me? Unable to bring my stomach to a steady job.... unable to bring my brain to repeat creative thought... deeply disturbed with the thought of committing undying thought to something other than a passion.
Hum diddly dee.
I really like the movie "Golden Compass". It is riddled with subliminal messages, ones that inspire me to be creative.
I guess I need to look for my power source. I don't feel balanced. I don't feel lately. It is just this little hum of a drum that keeps my beat going on.
Am I unhappy? No.
Am I unsatisfied? Yes.
Am I going to keep banging on to this hum drum beat? I don't know.
I know that I have to go out and get it. Go out and make it. Go out! Get er done? Blah blah... I can only psych my self out so many times.
Obviously that isn't sticking.... it isn't working.
What am I afraid of? I'm afraid to tell...
But I know darn well that something has to be coming up... my train tracks are sounding rusty, and this road is getting bumpy.
I have been sub/consciously eliminating my material collections. In preparation of taking off.... somewhere. Ideally I would like to have no debt... a suit case ready to be "stickered"... my guitar... simple clothes.... a few photos.... and an open mind.
AH! There we go. I finally wrote it down.
First I need to make my own $. (doing so now)
Second- I need to solidify my creative work (paint, photograph, sculpt, sew, music, movies)
Third- I need to make worldly connections on the grand-ular scale. Preferably with ones who see past the veil.
Fourth- I need to avoid "solidifying" my plans... cause certain truth is always uncertain. I just need to morph them into bigger better beings like I know I will be.
WHEW!
You have no idea how good that felt. I feel all motivated.... well I do feel tired too... mainly due to the fact that I am stareing at an alarmingly bright and radiating light machine....
Ok, I'm going to go memorize a few monologues... I have an audition Friday for a ghostly tour.... yip. Things really are wonderful... I think I just get cross eyed sometimes.
Another thing that I have put in a back brain pocket... art retreats.... some places far far away offer artists low monthly stay rates for their altered perspective on creative life.
That would be cool.
It especially would be a good start to finding where I've been hiding.
xoxox
k to the crazy.
P.S. read the below excerpt from something I was given recently.... brilliant no?
---------------------------------------------------------
Below: Something worth pondering..
=================================
Author: ??
"Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth.” The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers; wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less; we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense; more knowledge, but less judgment; more experts, yet more problems; more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; Tall men with short character; steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce; fancier houses but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.