Well paul actualy was good today and i startted to think....
I must say, i knew paul was a very insightfull guy and that he was rather successfull running his business and i just had a bunch of general veiws about him. Tonight we were DEAD at dairy delux, so he took me and jeff and drove us to his house to do some work in the basement. MY GOD this confirms my suspisions, paul is a millionaire if not multi, huge house in troy, beutifull in every way, me and jeff go to the basement and just so some small things like chip off the wall were its cracked so he can caulke it(hes getting it redone) and just random stuff like that. He gave us some energy drinks/bars which i had to force down but my god do they work lol. Anyway on the way back he was talking to jeff about role models and dads and stuff and they went sorta back and fourth talking about how thier dads influenced each of thier lives, and i didnt say a single word. I was actualy fighting back tears, and at one point i almost let one out, because all this great stuff they are saying, i cant say about my dad. I duno why, i wasnt hurt or depressed, but i just started to get tears in my eyes. Then we got back at about 30min till close and we listened to this tape from the late 50's, and it was this guy talking about why some people are successfull and others arnt, and just what he was saying sort of had me thinking alot, and how i could change my life, change my self image, all this crap if i just set goals and saw them through. Setting goals and thinking better of yourself and shit along that line he said was the key to success. i duno just at the time it got me all inspirational and what not.
On the way home i was thinking about how i could change myself, that maybe if i do set mich state as my choice college and actualy put serious effort, maybe its possible for me to get into, maybe i can do good on the ACT, and when i was thinking about all these things i started thinking of how big a duesche i was to several people, so heres my little saying for all those who i was thinking about on the way home.
Sean: i am a hypocritical asshole who broke one of the 2 major rules regarding girls(dont date friends X and dont date a girl your friend likes...[exceptions of course but not in this situation]), i not only backstabbed you but i did a selfish thing and got caught up too much in myself and wasnt thinking of anybody else. I was your wingman and i ended up shooting you in the back, im sry man. Also regarding my obsession of misfits and me pressuring you and everyone into liking them, i was again too concerned with myself, i actualy was considering not hanging out with you for a while and maybe that way you would learn to appreciate what i care about and shit... that was selfish and gay... i never thought about switching places and putting me in your shoes, *heres dane, im trying to get him to apreciate my taste in music and all he has to say is its for fags and bitches, yet ill put up with his music if it makes him happy* you helped me pull my head out of my ass a little but i duno i just got it all the way out there tonight. sry and thanks for being as understanding as you are.
Jene: Again i was selfish and a dick, very much so towards you. an apology on LJ is very gay i know but im sorry for going around and talking bad about you and shit. All i was thinking about was how could she possibly say she likes me one week, then so soon go to liking another person. It just tore me to see you with adam and acting that way with him, when in fact you had every right to act that way, and i was just being self centered. so ya, i dont hate you, im over you, and im pretty sure the whole"i never want to see you again" thing ive been telling sean(ive been saying how i would be happier never talking/seeing u again) is gone. so ya there it is for whatever its worth.
Tom: With you it was a rise and fall, you were my best bro for a few weeks, then as you started to get more and more obsessive w/ jene and erin i sort of started to get anoyed and actualy sorta pissed at you. I kept saying how you were just being played but you kept on at it and im just sayin, sorry for talking behind ur back and saying how stupid u were for thinking you were going to get something out of that.
Chris: We have been more than bros for as long as i can remember(not that way u sick fucks). I know you have more than your fair share on the plate right now, and im just saying, i apreciate you talking to me. It made me feel happy that we havent lost that connection after shit i duno 11 years or some shit? Just dont lose sight of your goals and dont let him decide how you live your life.
All in all i guess the best words that describe me(or as i describe myself as) is selfish, desperate, and not very cool. i hope to change that though... but shit im still too horny to not be desperate :-P.
Good news to end this rather lengthly entry... i got into A lunch, and my schegule owns now.
Current goal for me now... dont let social pressure i put on myself prevent me from making new friends, get great grades and become a better guitar player, and a better friend than i have been lately.
PS(sry this is long i know)- but this is to dan(not my bro)- thanks for understanding all my shit this summer, i know u dont read it but just sayin u always had my back and agreed with whatever i said, i duno if u actualy did or not, but just sayin, it made me feel really comforted that i knew i could always count on u to agree with how i felt
On the way home i was thinking about how i could change myself, that maybe if i do set mich state as my choice college and actualy put serious effort, maybe its possible for me to get into, maybe i can do good on the ACT, and when i was thinking about all these things i started thinking of how big a duesche i was to several people, so heres my little saying for all those who i was thinking about on the way home.
Sean: i am a hypocritical asshole who broke one of the 2 major rules regarding girls(dont date friends X and dont date a girl your friend likes...[exceptions of course but not in this situation]), i not only backstabbed you but i did a selfish thing and got caught up too much in myself and wasnt thinking of anybody else. I was your wingman and i ended up shooting you in the back, im sry man. Also regarding my obsession of misfits and me pressuring you and everyone into liking them, i was again too concerned with myself, i actualy was considering not hanging out with you for a while and maybe that way you would learn to appreciate what i care about and shit... that was selfish and gay... i never thought about switching places and putting me in your shoes, *heres dane, im trying to get him to apreciate my taste in music and all he has to say is its for fags and bitches, yet ill put up with his music if it makes him happy* you helped me pull my head out of my ass a little but i duno i just got it all the way out there tonight. sry and thanks for being as understanding as you are.
Jene: Again i was selfish and a dick, very much so towards you. an apology on LJ is very gay i know but im sorry for going around and talking bad about you and shit. All i was thinking about was how could she possibly say she likes me one week, then so soon go to liking another person. It just tore me to see you with adam and acting that way with him, when in fact you had every right to act that way, and i was just being self centered. so ya, i dont hate you, im over you, and im pretty sure the whole"i never want to see you again" thing ive been telling sean(ive been saying how i would be happier never talking/seeing u again) is gone. so ya there it is for whatever its worth.
Tom: With you it was a rise and fall, you were my best bro for a few weeks, then as you started to get more and more obsessive w/ jene and erin i sort of started to get anoyed and actualy sorta pissed at you. I kept saying how you were just being played but you kept on at it and im just sayin, sorry for talking behind ur back and saying how stupid u were for thinking you were going to get something out of that.
Chris: We have been more than bros for as long as i can remember(not that way u sick fucks). I know you have more than your fair share on the plate right now, and im just saying, i apreciate you talking to me. It made me feel happy that we havent lost that connection after shit i duno 11 years or some shit? Just dont lose sight of your goals and dont let him decide how you live your life.
All in all i guess the best words that describe me(or as i describe myself as) is selfish, desperate, and not very cool. i hope to change that though... but shit im still too horny to not be desperate :-P.
Good news to end this rather lengthly entry... i got into A lunch, and my schegule owns now.
Current goal for me now... dont let social pressure i put on myself prevent me from making new friends, get great grades and become a better guitar player, and a better friend than i have been lately.
PS(sry this is long i know)- but this is to dan(not my bro)- thanks for understanding all my shit this summer, i know u dont read it but just sayin u always had my back and agreed with whatever i said, i duno if u actualy did or not, but just sayin, it made me feel really comforted that i knew i could always count on u to agree with how i felt