Aug 30, 2004 23:28
you know that feeling when people that are close to you, that you always thought would never hurt you, ... hurt you? and then all you can do is think about it. and think about who else is going to hurt you. and who you have hurt? but then you try to distract yourself, so you put up all these guards. so yeah. im feeling something like that. and have been most of the last 8 months.
people in general disappoint me. im not a drama queen. i wont let my anger or whatever change how im going to treat people. it just changes how i feel. over and over again, i try to let things slide. but i still try to always let people know how i feel when its important. but it makes me so angry, when people, especially those that mean a lot to me, are too chicken shit to just tell me what the matter is. then i cant fix things. and when i find them out, everything gets worse. its so dumb. im so dumb. im just going to try to lay low for a while.
im a hyper person. when im sad, i get really hyper, often. and then i feel like im happy, because i get in that, 'i dont care what you think. im crazy, i love it, some people love it, and if you dont, fuck you' kind of swing of things. but every once in a while, i want to change that. i want to change who i am.
i want to please people. i cant stand them hating me.
but hating me for who i am? without knowing me?
its just lame. and then i start to get upset by the whole thing over again.
i have crazy moodswings, amd i guess its just be being a dumbass all the time. it feels like, i dont know. i try my hardest to be so nice, and still be honest with everybody. but aparently im failing miserably.
im not... i dont know. i dont want to make this a personal thing. so whatever. i probably wont write in this for a really long time. i cant handle all the drama that i get in my life. i create it all myself. i take the blame for that. but i wont accept the blame for many other things. people do hurt me, whether its intentionally or not. i just wish they could stop and take the time to acknowledge that i do have feelings too.
if it seems like all i do is complain to you, that means i value you as a person. that means i take you seriously, and i trust you. im sorry. but i cant talk to just anyone about my problems. i dont trust people. and it isnt everyone's business to find out all of the things that go on in my life. nobody deserves that burden of me just compaining all the time. i apologize. there are a few of you. three i suppose, that i treat that way. and im sorry. im sure its annoying. but to me, its not that i just feel, OH. I CAN TELL THEM ALL MY PROBLEMS AND ... i dont even know. i dont know what you think. but obviously its coming across in the wrong manner.
just. whatever.
i got distracted. but those were the two most depressing epidsodes of that 70's show ever. god. life is so depressing. whatever.
im going to do homework, and focus on being happy, but trying to not bug you all. bye