(no subject)
i am so scared for college right now. i just got a letter from st johns in manhattan and im accepted and theyre giving my a 13,000 dollar scholarship. i got into art institute last week. when i went to art inst. last time, i got comepletely lost trying to get there and it was so scary and not fun and then i thought about it and i was like, this school doesnt have vacation, i dont get a break, if i came here i would be MOVING in august, to NYC, and i would come home a few times a year and that would be it. id be moving away, id be grown up and i would be on my own in that city and i am so scared for that! on monday i completely reverted back to the 6 year old mindstate and wouldnt even tie my own shoes. im really not ready to move out. but if i go to umass next year, will i ever leave? honestly, if im scared now, once im comfortable there, will i make that effort and take that step to leave? all my life ive wanted to be in new york. i was so sure that was where i wanted to be and this past year ive been positive fashion is what i want to do. i still do. i just dont feel like i am ready. suddenly i feel like there is no way i can handle the big bad city anymore. am i chickening out, or are my priorities changing? i can't tell. i dont know if im just getting nervous, or if going there isnt such a big deal to me anymore. being on my own in the city doesnt sound as apealing as it did before, why is that? why is it that my dream, of going off and getting sucked up in manhattan, of starting over on a clean slate, not seem so wonderful anymore? Im afraid of losing people i love too. i would never be home, maybe thats why starting over isnt what i want anymore, i dont want to erase my life back home anymore. life here isnt so bad, actually, its been amazing. is that why im having second thoughts? is it bad to let another person, or people, have this much influence on a descision as big as this one is? its like i really have to look into my future now, which is so scary because for the longest time i didnt think i was going to have one. even not thinking about the people id miss, art institute is so specialized, should i jump right into that so fast? logically, it probabl would be better for me to get some regular classes first, becasue what if i do change my mind? i dont know, i dont want to have to make descisions like this, i hate deciding which movie to watch, how am i supposed to decide my future?