College
College gives me mini-aneurisms. I don't like it anymore. I don't like my classes this semester. I'm not sure about anything anymore. School-wise. I just feel a little lost at the moment. And my dad is making me feel pressure to do well and have my path in college totally figured out...but I don't have it figured out at all. I don't want to let up to that though. He keeps pressuring me since I've been at U.T. I guess since it's so expensive he feels he needs to 'remind' me to do well. The pressure I'm feeling isn't worth it. If I'm going to feel like I'm going to have a heart attack every week, I just... don't know if it's worth it.
So basically I can't live up to my parents standards. They both worked their way through college and pretty much earned every penny that they have today through hard work. I on the other hand, sit on my butt and procrastinate. Don't have a job... and now I'm not even doing well in school. I just feel no motivation to do anything. And I feel like I'm going to choke on my pretzels. Ick.
I just lied to one of my teachers to get out of an exam today, and now I'm going to have to lie to my doctor tomorrow to get a doctors note. I HATE lying. I can honestly say that I rarely do it... but things are just so. BLEH. I just need to deal with life right now.
I want to get a job and have some real responsibility for a while. I think that'd be very good for me. I've had everything handed to me, and while I appreciate it, I'm now realizing that its hindered me in some areas. BUT, not to the extent that my mom thinks its hindered me. She thinks I won't ever be able to support myself or something, but I think quite the contrary. I just have really mixed feelings about the whole thing.
But, I do wish my dad would stop pestering me about school, and my mom about how I'm practically useless. My dad doesn't seem to understand that what he says to me has the exact OPPOSITE effect on me. All through high school I got straight As, and no one had to do anything to get me to do that. I think my dad took that for granted, and now that my performance isn't as good, he's going all naggy parent on me. So my dad things my school performance is bad, and my mom thinks I need a job... all the while, my physical health isn't doing so good.
Yes, that brings me to my last rant: my body. Like wtf dude. All I want to do is sleep allll the time. I don't know if the prozac just isn't helping that symptom of depression or what (because it is helping with the actual depression part), but seriously it's getting ridiculous. I have energy for maybe two to four hours after I wake up. Then all I want to do is sleep. My back hurts practically ALL the time, to the point where sometimes it's extremely painful just to walk from class to class. It's all just extremely frustrating. All of this really affects (I STILL can’t use effect and affect properly) my personal life as well. But I'm just to the point where I've almost given up on that. I know people get offended when I cancel plans or don't answer/return their calls, but seriously, I just want to sleep. That's all. It's not like I'm off with other people and just filtering my calls. I seriously just... don't have the energy to do anything.
Okay. I feel a little better getting that all off my chest. Time to go study for the test I AM taking today. Hopefully I won't fall asleep. I know if I close my eyes for more than a minute I will...
P.S. I hate this Spring to Summer humid shit weather, it sucks.