Life After Death
When I think back to how my life was before my dad died, I can't help but feel embarrassed on how delusional I was as a person. Since my life was given to me as a young lad and I felt more than determined to have it like that as an adult. My desire to earn my way through life did not start to spark until after my dad's departure. I always had this fairy tale illusion (or delusion) that somehow my parents can magically get back together as depicted from grade school, but why was I holding to something that had been dead for so many years? Because once upon a time we were "happy", or maybe we were just seen happy. But once my dad's heart is not beating, in reality hit me like a cannonball to the heart. Welcome to your new life.
I would sound ungrateful if I said that my father's passing was a blessing in disguise's but I did not mature as a man until he did. I miss my father dearly every day don't get me wrong but sometimes I feel like him passing was his gift to me for my 25th birthday. I was extremely angry and bitter about it at first but as I get older I am starting to understand why that happened, I would not have seen the world as I do today if he didn't pass. It pains me that he didn't leave as the man that I hoped he'd be when he left this earth, but I'm thankful he left no longer suffering with the pain of his mothers passing. I didn't want to be the next domino to fall after his passing because I needed to prove to myself and to the world what I was capable of, because I felt that I was not defined yet. The first couple of years were rough and the peers around me weren't exactly the helpful bunch, but after dropping a large number of negative peers and a name change with a new perspective in in life I really felt like I was ready to face the world at full force.
Why is it so important to me now? It's important for me to be the man that he'd be proud of today, and not the man he would have wanted me to be. That should be something every child should thrive for, being able to accomplish anything so your parent(s) can say: "That's my child". It's important to me now because I feel less judged for being something that I'm not, because I'm accomplished in my own way without anybody else saying otherwise. Although physical possessions on his behalf was nearly bare minimum, he's still alive through the sounds at a drop of a needle. I'd be lying to you if I didn't say I had did things after his passing that'd he'd be proud, but I will say no matter what he won't be disappointed with who I am today.
I would sound ungrateful if I said that my father's passing was a blessing in disguise's but I did not mature as a man until he did. I miss my father dearly every day don't get me wrong but sometimes I feel like him passing was his gift to me for my 25th birthday. I was extremely angry and bitter about it at first but as I get older I am starting to understand why that happened, I would not have seen the world as I do today if he didn't pass. It pains me that he didn't leave as the man that I hoped he'd be when he left this earth, but I'm thankful he left no longer suffering with the pain of his mothers passing. I didn't want to be the next domino to fall after his passing because I needed to prove to myself and to the world what I was capable of, because I felt that I was not defined yet. The first couple of years were rough and the peers around me weren't exactly the helpful bunch, but after dropping a large number of negative peers and a name change with a new perspective in in life I really felt like I was ready to face the world at full force.
Why is it so important to me now? It's important for me to be the man that he'd be proud of today, and not the man he would have wanted me to be. That should be something every child should thrive for, being able to accomplish anything so your parent(s) can say: "That's my child". It's important to me now because I feel less judged for being something that I'm not, because I'm accomplished in my own way without anybody else saying otherwise. Although physical possessions on his behalf was nearly bare minimum, he's still alive through the sounds at a drop of a needle. I'd be lying to you if I didn't say I had did things after his passing that'd he'd be proud, but I will say no matter what he won't be disappointed with who I am today.