Real Life Stuff
I'm freaking out right now. I'm crying and I'm breathing so hard and it's so stupid. It's not like my life ever changes. Not really. I mean I was in high school. I graduated. I went to college. I had to leave because I couldn't afford it. I got a full time job as an indentured servant deceivingly entitled "Nanny with housekeeping responsibilities." I lived in MN and IA and now NY and it always stays the same. I always stay the same. I make friends immediately because I'm cheerful and friendly and interested in other people and then those people get to know me for real, even just a little bit- and then they don't want to know me anymore. So I'm alone. Just like always. It never changes- I always know that this is the way that it's going to be. So why does it always hit me so hard? Why does it always break my heart a little bit more every time I realize that my life is just like it's always been- lonely. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how to make friends. I act like myself and I drive people away. I act like people want me to act and I drive them away. I can't do anything else. And I know that- so why does it always hurt so much when I remember? I don't know why I'm even writing this. It's not like anyone will read it. Or really care. Maybe they'll give it a passing thought, but it's not like I have any friends in the real world- why would I have any friends in the lj world? I don't. I know that. I really wish I did though. Some times I wish it so freaking much. I just wish, for a little while that I didn't have to be alone. I wish that I had someone to talk to. I wish that I had someone to hug me. I wish that I had someone to laugh with and cry on and someone who loved me. Just one person- is that so much to ask? I think that everyone deserves at least one person. Some people have so many loved ones who love them in return- why is that? What do they have that I don't have. I'm not writing this to garner pity- I just really wish I knew.