May 05, 2004 22:10
so... as most everyone knows by now, christy and i broke up this tuesday.
I suppose you could call it mutual breakup. She doesnt love me and i couldnt take feeling like crap every day because of how things were working out. To say i was ignored is understated. I was invisible. That week was awful and i guess i was in a bad mood already because of work and school and just things not working out. This may seen selfish but, she would barely look at me that whole week. We didnt talk at all and anything i tried to do she'd brush off. She thinks she's uncompassionate and self centered and thats who she is and i know she's better than that. I hate how hard she is on herself. I knew she wanted me to end the relationship and i hoped that vaca would fix something. Christy told me later that she had hoped ignoring the problem would help. She said talking lead to break-ups for her. We'll we're over now.
She's really happy now with everything in her life and that's good. She's deserves it. Even the week where we werent talking she said she was amazingly happy. She told me not to be sad because she couldn't handle it. I felt horrible that week. But all I can tell myself right now is that things are better for her now. All i can hope for is her happiness.
Whatever we had is gone... and i have no idea how it got to this. Over a weekend what ever feelings she had for me were gone. I don't know what i did. I miss her and i've never felt so far from someone i see so much. I'll be honest. My feelings havent changed at all for her. I wish i could just not love her. It seemed pretty fast for her to make that change... i feel disgusted with myself that i do wish that i could look at her, see her smile, and feel indifferent.
She cant read this because... she doesnt need to know how i feel. I think she's happy with who she is right now and that is after all, "the greatest love of all." She sang that tonight. It was pretty. Great message too.
So christy, stay happy, i miss you, i love you, i'm sorry...