Falling apart at the seams....

[bjrep10]

I'm giving up. At this point I don't even have the power to leave. I have been threatening so long to go and now I must stay. I have to face reality head on. Its scary when there is little or no hope of going on. My final year in high won't be a blur to me....oh no it will be remember as the darker period in my mortality. Sometimes I wish I were extinct, other times I wish I lived somewhere else. My friends are here, but I feel that they aren't hearing me. They listen well and respond but I feel they are just telling me what I want to hear. I want them to HEAR me and understand. I'm giving up because even that small request is impossible. It seems Shauna gets it. She gets it so much that it scares me. I wonder sometimes if life is suppose to be this way; If we are suppose to suffer and live through internal trials and dangers. Right now I wish Shauna was here. Right now I wish I could be near my soul. I have lost touch with everything inside of me. My words don't make sense and I am numb. Numbness, is the only thing that I know right now. This year, this time is full of disappointment and resentment. I was over the "revenge thing" but I'm not over the situation. I can't move on and I dwell constantly in the past-present. I look back on 2 weeks ago and hope to God that I don't wake up tomorrow. I look on life right at this moment and I think, What if? What if I just let go....everything and everyone around me, would they really care? Is this all an act, are my parents right? The people I call my friends are  they legit or are the acquaintances that my Dad told me about? Am I really this lonely? I can't laugh anymore without feeling like I lost something inside of me. "I cheat destiny just to be near you..." but was that worth all of the pain along the way. Am I going to come out okay from this. Trauma, scaring I feel so ugly inside and out. Where do I go from here? All of these questions and no answers...fuck! What happened to the best years of your life? What happened to my innocence and my naivete? Agony, anguish, and self-disgust I make my way through this hell hole trying to figure out whether or not this is worth my sanity. In the end, was it worth it?

Underneath it all, did you ever care about me?