Always You
Banner by the amazing foreverbm
This story is a coninuation in the Before There Was You, There Was You, series. You probably need to read the first three installments, (BTWYTWY, Return to Me and a Stitch in Time) in order to follow along.
For those who have been so supportive of the BTWYTWY series, thank you! I do hope you like this story. It's AU (following in the theme of the series) and may not be to everyone's liking. For those who know me I ask - trust me.
Inspiration comes from two of my favorite movies, "Heaven can Wait" and "Fight Club" - I know, odd combination, plus a lot of my own storylines.
All feedback is soooo appreciated! I'm a bit rusty, so bear with me.
Die and Let Live"
“I’m not supposed to live my life wishing you were here, I’m not supposed to wonder where you are, and what you’re doing. I’m not suppose to question - but I’m also not suppose to live with out you,”
Debbie brought a hot steaming cup of Chamomile tea over to the kitchen table and placed it in front of Emmett.
“Here baby, drink this. You’ll need your strength,” she said with a ‘sniff’ as she sat down in the chair opposite his.
Emmett raised red-rimmed eyes to her.
“I don’t know if I can be strong anymore Deb. I’m sick of death and tragedy and everything. Haven’t they been through enough? Haven’t we all!? Oh Deb, I just can’t, I…” he broke down and cried again.
She reached over and rubbed his back as her own tears fell from her eyes.
“Em, baby, I know this is going to sound like some Bible thumping bullshit, but since Joan is no longer with us, God rest her soul, I’ll tell you what she would - God doesn’t give us anything we can’t handle. YOU have to handle this. That man up there and those kids are truly blessed. They are blessed because they have family. They have YOU! You’ve been as much a parental figure in those kids lives as Brian and Justin. So drink the fucking tea, and get your head in the game. Someone has to be the sane one,” she said in a horse voice.
Emmett sniffed and wiped his tears with the back of his hand. Deb was right. He had to keep it together, someone had to and right now, that someone was him.
“I know Deb. I won’t break down. Thank God for my Jamies. I’d be lost without him, and of course you and the family. I’m so glad you are all here.” he said.
Everyone came to support Justin and the kids. Fran had flown in the day she heard of Brian’s passing and moved right in. She left her husband behind, telling him she didn’t know when she’d be back. She came to stay. And she wasn’t the only one. Howes and Chino also came, and set up residence. They surrounded Justin around the clock. Helping him cope psychologically. They too, had settled in for the long haul. Then there was the family. Mel and Lins, Debbie and Carl, Shane and Adam, Ted and his partner Robert, Robert’s brother John and Brian’s sister Rena - who was a total mess, and of course Mikey, Ben, and little Benji, who was just one month old!
‘How will that precious baby ever know how wonderful his biological father was?!’ Emmett thought angrily.
Brian had reluctantly agreed to be the sperm donor last year for Michael and Ben’s surrogate since Michael had too low a sperm count, and Ben was positive. There was nothing more important to him and Justin than family. It’s what they lived for. Though Brian was hesitant at first, having many reservations, in the end it was Justin who convinced him it was the right thing to do. Little Benji was the latest addition to their growing family, and a blessing to all. And now that darling little boy would never get to know his biological father. The far-reaching tragedy of Brian’s passing seemed endless.
“That’s what family is for. We pull together when things get real tough,” Deb said.
Emmett looked up at her and blinked.
“Tough?” he questioned in a broken voice.
That was an understatement, he thought. Brian was…gone, and Justin just checked out too. Well mentally anyway.
When they first got the news of Brian’s passing, they all thought Justin was going to lose it. But he didn’t, he actually handled it remarkably well. He was eerily calm, and poised all through the funeral reception and he continued to exude that same calm control during the weeks that followed. He was doggedly determined to bring some semblance of order back into the family routine. He was extremely attentive to his children; consoling, counseling, trying to make sense of it all to them and the rest of the family. Everyone took their cue from him and the loss of their Dad, if not acceptable, was a little more bearable because of Justin’s resolve.
Emmett was so certain up till today; that they’d all get through it just fine. But then, tonight, Justin took a turn for the worse.
Right after James had left to go to Rena’s, Justin went up to the loft and locked himself in. Emmett thought nothing of it at first, but Howes and Chino’s psychic powers went on high alert. They followed him up, but Justin had refused to receive them. He was unresponsive to their pleas to let them in. Emmett tried coaxing him to open the door, just to check on him, but Justin ignored him as well. They would have broken the door down if they were concerned for his well being, but they could hear talking on the other side. The problem was, he was talking to himself!
Emmett knew the illusion of normalcy wasn’t going to last long. He’d know Justin long enough to know he was playing a part for the family’s sake. He knew it was only time before Justin broke down and started grieving. But this…this was something else. This wasn’t grieving; Justin had totally lost his mind. Howes tried several times to break through his mental barrier to gauge the state of his mind and came up blank. Worse than blank, Howes said that Justin’s mind was in a state of suspension. Emmett wasn’t sure what that meant, but it didn’t sound good. Not good at all.
“Deb, what if Justin has…”
“Don’t you even think it!” Debbie stopped him from voicing her concern as well.
“We can’t ignore this Deb. Justin needs professional help. He’s losing his…”
Just then Howes walked into the kitchen.
“Krypton is not losing his mind,” he declared as he went to open the refrigerator, “That’s the problem with having a house full of kids. There is never anything left to eat,” he grumbled as he rummaged through it.
Emmett jumped up from his seat and approached him.
“Has something changed? Has he stopped talking to himself?” Emmett asked anxiously.
“He never was talking to himself,” Howes said then slammed the refrigerator shut.
Emmett and Debbie looked at him, confusion clearly etched on their faces.
“Well Mr. Houdini, if he weren’t talking to himself, then who the fuck was he talking to?” Debbie asked.
“Houdini was a magician, not a psychic,” Howes countered.
Debbie made a face and stood up, hands on her hips.
“Magician, psychic, what the fuck is the difference?! It’s all voodoo to me! All I want to know is that my Sunshine is not crazy!” she said.
“He’s not crazy, so you can stop worrying,” Howes said.
“So who was he talking to?” Emmett asked.
Howes smiled mischievously at him. He loved watching the faces of people at times like this.
“His guardian Angel.”
‘Yep’, Howes thought, that look was priceless…
<**>
Justin sat down on the couch and lowered his head in his hands.
“Elliot, you’re not making sense. Why do you always do this to us? Just fucking tell me what happened!”
When Elliot first appeared to him earlier he was filled with immense relief. In truth, he didn’t believe he’d lost Brian. Deep down he knew something went terribly wrong. Howes and Chino also felt it. So he waited, and kept faith. Past experience taught him to never lose faith. And he didn’t, and now three weeks after Brian’s accident, (for Justin couldn’t bring himself to think of Brian as ‘gone’) Elliot appeared to him. But after talking in circles for the past hour, Justin wasn’t any closer to understanding what happened. As usual, his guardian Angel spoke in riddles….
‘Angel’ - the thought suddenly hit him. He was so engrossed in trying to make sense of what happened, that he hadn’t noticed before that Elliot appeared in human form. Gone were his wings.
“Elliot, what happened to your wings?” He asked raising his head to look at Elliot.
‘There are things we are all attached to, and others, not so much’, Elliot said in his typical cryptic fashion.
Justin sighed in frustration.
“Can’t you ever just give me a straight answer!? What - Happened -To -Your-Wings?” He asked again emphasizing each word.
‘I chose not to have them any longer,’ Elliot said.
Justin furrowed his brows in confusion
“Why the fuck would you do that?” he asked.
‘We all make choices Justin. I choose to be here with you, and as I’ve been trying to explain to you, Jack, chose to bring Brian home,’ Elliot once again tried to explain.
Justin jumped up from the couch.
“Ok, I get that Brian was pulled out of his body prematurely because Jack thought he was going to collide with a truck. But what you haven’t made clear is what happens now?! I just can’t believe he’s gone. I would feel it, and I don’t. I still feel he’s with me. Yet, you have no answers for me! You just keep telling me to have faith, that we’ll be together soon, but how is that going to happen when Brian’s body has been….” Justin couldn’t bring himself to remember the closed casket, or the coroners’ report of the condition of Brian’s body after the impact. Another reason why Justin couldn’t believe Brian was actually…gone. The impact caused a big explosion. The body was unidentifiable. The only thing Justin could identify was Brian’s motorcycle. Part of the frame of the motorcycle was salvaged. And the words Brian had etched into it, “No apologies, no regrets” was still visible.
Elliot went over to him and put a soothing hand on his shoulder.
‘Settle down my friend. Do not let the demons of doubt in your mind; they will only fill you with fear. Live in love, and all shall be well,” he said.
Justin shot him an annoyed look.
“Again, you speak in riddles! My Love is not here on earth! When will he come back? How will he come back?! When will we be together again?!!!” Justin demanded answers to these questions.
‘You know I cannot say more. If I do, it will jeopardize your soul mates journey,” Elliot said.
Justin’s eyes widened, “What do you mean his journey? What kind of journey is he on? How long will this journey take?”
Elliot never felt more frustrated. A feeling that was totally foreign to him. Angels did not feel such emotions. But then again, he wasn’t an Angel anymore. He wasn’t even an agent of an Angel any longer. He was a mere holy spirit, and as such, he was much more empathic towards human emotions.
‘Justin, this is the last I will say, so listen well. You and your soul mate will be together again, soon, if you heed my words. Do not sit around and wait for him, for that will only prolong your reunion. Do not stop living your life, for that too will prolong your reunion. You must go forward in love and with an open heart. Hear me well my friend, if you do not, you will not be rejoined with your mate. Not for a long time,' Elliot said with finality.
Justin heard his words, though he wasn’t sure how he was going to do what he knew was necessary to ensure he and Brian be together again.
“So what you are saying is that I’m not suppose to care? I’m not supposed to live my life wishing he were here? I’m not supposed to wonder where he is or if he’s all right? That I’m supposed to go on and live my life in love? But tell me Elliot, how can I do that when he’s all I’ve ever known of love?” Justin’s voice sounded so forlorn, so….hopeless.
But there was nothing more Elliot could say to him to reassure him so he simply said…
‘Faith,’
And with that last parting word, Elliot was gone.
Justin slumped back down on to the couch. ‘Faith’. He huffed out a bitter laugh as tears streamed down his face. He always had such strong faith. He and Brian had learned to trust in faith. They both knew there were divine powers beyond either of their comprehension and that the concept of ‘time’ was only relevant to ones’ understanding of it. But that knowledge could only be appreciated by those more enlightened than him. Never in his life did he feel more - mortal. More human, more vulnerable and powerless, and in times like this, there was only one thing that he could hold on to, and that was his faith.
Yet, at this point, what could he have faith in? If Brian was truly dead, (and that wasn’t a possibility Justin was ready to embrace yet), then he might as well be dead too.
And then, it hit him. He finally understood what Elliot was trying to tell him, but couldn’t. Elliot, in his own very cryptic way, was telling him that ‘his’, time was coming soon. It made sense. If he didn’t live his life in love, and with faith then he’d risk being reunited with Brian on the other side. Brain’s soul, by default or not, had left his body, but his connection to Justin was still strong. It’s why he didn’t ‘feel’ Brian was really gone. Knowing his lover, his soul mate, he was probably waiting for him, refusing to go on to his next ‘journey,’ as Elliot put it, without him. That had to be the answer, he thought. If Justin wanted to join Brian on the other side then he’d have to live whatever little time he had on earth in love, and with faith, to ensure that he would be worthy to accompany Brian on his new journey.
And that journey was fated to commence, soon.
He would be with Brian soon, if he chose to. He could do it. It would be hard, almost impossible, but he would do it. He’d live every day in joy, faith and love to ensure his right by Brian’s side. No matter how long it took.
Soon could mean days, weeks, or years. It mattered not. It was only time. And in that time, he would make sure his kids’ future was well taken care of. He would use that time to build memories. Wonderful, loving memories for his family to keep. He’d use his time to instill in his children a faith that both his parents had. A faith that kept them together in the past, and would bring them together again in the future.
It always came down to faith, Justin reminded himself. And with that last sobering thought, Justin made a vow. Tomorrow he would start living his life again in love, and joy, and in honor of his partner- for this is what he had to do.
But tonight he would allow himself to succumb to the overwhelming sorrow -the deep wrenching pain that filled his every pore over being denied that for which he existed…. Brian.